How can I stop the divorce my wife wants?

[hopesndreams]

Now ya see, only someone who has a lot of resentment would do that.

Why is she so resentful?!

 

Only people who have been hurt want to hurt back!

 

That may be true Reddevil, but she could have resentments from way back, an uncle, an aunt, who the h*ll knows, but to assume it is Flight and to keep harping on about what he could have done to build up her resentments is just finding a way to excuse her behaviour. Why are you so hell bent on blaming the BS? It isn't just this thread I have noticed your attacks either.

[2sunny]

her indication of you moving forward to date another woman sends a clear message that she's already in that place. she also wants to feel less guilt - so if she pushes for you to find another gal and that makes you happy, she feels less guilty for it.

 

she's lightening her burden by doing this.

[RedDevil66]

That may be true Reddevil, but she could have resentments from way back, an uncle, an aunt, who the h*ll knows, but to assume it is Flight and to keep harping on about what he could have done to build up her resentments is just finding a way to excuse her behaviour. Why are you so hell bent on blaming the BS? It isn't just this thread I have noticed your attacks either.

 

attack? Yeah, ok! I don't think so!

These are not attacks. This is me asking questions trying to see the other side of this story. You do realize, there are two sides right?

 

I'm not trying to blame anyone for anything, just want the Flight to maybe see the other side.

 

There is no excuse for cheating, but there is an excuse for resentment!

[RedDevil66]

her indication of you moving forward to date another woman sends a clear message that she's already in that place. she also wants to feel less guilt - so if she pushes for you to find another gal and that makes you happy, she feels less guilty for it.

 

she's lightening her burden by doing this.

 

Or maybe she's playing this silly 180.

Sounds to me like she wants him to hurt. If she felt guilt for cheating, why on earth would she rub it in by saying he should find someone else?

 

Anyone with any sense would not hurt the person more than they are hurting so yeah, she is either evil or really pissed!

[Gunny376]

Getting back to the topic at hand on this tread............................................................

 

Would be Flight's martial problems

Edited January 5, 2010 by Gunny376

[hopesndreams]

Or maybe she's playing this silly 180.

Sounds to me like she wants him to hurt. If she felt guilt for cheating, why on earth would she rub it in by saying he should find someone else?

 

Anyone with any sense would not hurt the person more than they are hurting so yeah, she is either evil or really pissed!

 

The only way for us to get the other side of the story is for her to speak for herself. That isn't going to happen because she is "busy", catch my drift????

 

Yes, people do hurt others deliberately to alleviate their own guilt. Does that make them evil? That's a matter of opinion. Is she pissed? Most likely, coz Flight, her H, is rebelling against being her toy and wants to actually figure out what the hay is happening and won't idly stand by while she has her way!@!@

[Darth Vader]

The only way for us to get the other side of the story is for her to speak for herself. That isn't going to happen because she is "busy", catch my drift????

 

Yes, people do hurt others deliberately to alleviate their own guilt. Does that make them evil? That's a matter of opinion. Is she pissed? Most likely, coz Flight, her H, is rebelling against being her toy and wants to actually figure out what the hay is happening and won't idly stand by while she has her way!@!@

 

 

That's some of the sickest part/s of a spouse cheating, when they come back to their senses so to speak, they can't believe that they did that abuse and hurt to their spouses. Yet, the damage is forever done! You hear of it from time to time on LS.

[FlightLevel370]

Well, here's a little update:

 

I got home yesterday and did the 180/ a little Homer treatment. I greeted the kids and stated with them for the afternoon, helped with their homework, etc. I asked each of them separately what they did over the wknd. They each said they stayed home with mom each night, and all went to brunch together on sat. with about 10 of mom's girlfriends at the restaurant my wife hits when she has girls night...

 

I had dinner with W and kids (trying to keep kids happy). W was VERY uncomfortable with me...she tried to start small talk with me, but I was short with her and revealed nothing important...she even offered me an extra serving of dinner cuz I seemed so hungry (which I was).

 

But I kept MC with her. Later we had to go to my son's karate class as he was receiving a higher belt. She asked me all about my last 6 days on the road; I told her a little. Then she asked about the NY Eve party I pretended to go to; all I said was it was great-no details. She told me what the kids confirmed happened over the wknd...that meant there was no girls' night over the wknd...W couldn't have gone out all nite clubbing Sat and been home sober for when the kids awoke Sunday at arnd 7am.

She said she rented a movie for us last night-I figured it was to loosen me up for this big important talk I was expecting...so I watched it with her...she was more her normal self.

Afterwards, she went upstairs a few minutes prior to me. When I came up, she was already in bed with my 5 yr old daughter. Didn't hang to say goodnite...my feeling is she did this to see if I would stop by and say it, and possibly invite to sleep in our room...but I showed independence and did none of that and went straight to my room and into bed.

Ok, so I jumped the gun over the wknd about the girls night. My kids can't lie...esp my 5 yr old (trust me, I've tried to get her to tell a couple little white ones). The odd thing I've noticed is my wife never leaves her cell anywhere anymore, she has it in her pocket at all times, even in her pjs. Her bitch friend kept texting her, and I confirmed it was only her on the cell history.

 

I tried to access her phone while it was charging, but she enabled the passcode feature on it so I'm locked out of it (damn).

 

Now, for tomorrow's 180 plan: I'm calling a realtor to see if they would appraise the house to put on the market...that'll show MY interest in expediting the divorce...also I'll b speaking to another atty as well. The only suspicious activity that resulted over the wknd is her reactivating her facebook acct and blocking me from seeing her profile. Little does she know I looked in her laptop, which is always logged into her email. With facebook, u get an email whenever u get a msg on it, it sends u an email. I checked the inbox and trash and there was nothing there...her texts to a guy over the wknd were to the owner of the restaurant (old guy) to set up the meal for the big group. I only have 1 thing I'd like to find out, and I can't-she made 3 calls TO a blocked number... 1 at 4:30pm Sat for :51 mins., and another Sunday for an hour. Also, yesterday am she called where her bitch friend works for 1 hr and 40 minutes....remember, OM works there and I'm sure u can xfr calls easily.

 

Church called both of us yesterday too...they want to see us individually again. I said I'd go, and surprisingly W said she'd go; weird after she said she wouldn't go to counseling anymore...just the divorce care program...

 

But we'll see how uncomfortable she gets when I get the realtor here and start pushing the D.

[RedDevil66]

The only way for us to get the other side of the story is for her to speak for herself. That isn't going to happen because she is "busy", catch my drift????

 

Yes, people do hurt others deliberately to alleviate their own guilt. Does that make them evil? That's a matter of opinion. Is she pissed? Most likely, coz Flight, her H, is rebelling against being her toy and wants to actually figure out what the hay is happening and won't idly stand by while she has her way!@!@

 

Yeah, I "catch your drift" so why are you speaking for her

[FlightLevel370]

Just had a thought, since I haven't gone so far as to reveal the affair to OMW...I do have OM's # and I have no prob calling him and telling him I suspect he is back in touch with W, but to let him know I still have all the emails, as well as his address as it's listed, and that it's possible I send them to his wife...

 

Comments?

[JaneDoe35]

If you are thinking of doing this - just do it without any warning.

 

I would probably send her everything.....but I am angry today!!!!!

 

I exposed to the OWH and I wish I had of done it much sooner.

[FlightLevel370]

Emotional affairs, very powerful things, are not about looks... at least not for women imo.

 

It's possible that the marriage breakdown is not about him.

 

So when you read the posts that say that the marriage is dead in the water.. and all that.. how do you feel hearing that?

 

Do you still love her?

 

She says the marriage breakdown started with the way I handled conflict...I never screamed or yelled at her, just clammed up for a bit and we'd say some nasty things to each other...but I think it's a little harsh to pursue a divorce over this without trying to fix it first...right now she's still living in fantasy land...

[tnttim]

She says the marriage breakdown started with the way I handled conflict...I never screamed or yelled at her, just clammed up for a bit and we'd say some nasty things to each other...but I think it's a little harsh to pursue a divorce over this without trying to fix it first...right now she's still living in fantasy land...

 

 

push the divorce

Edited January 5, 2010 by tnttim

[FlightLevel370]

don't worry...now that the kids went to school I can start the show

[FlightLevel370]

push the divorce

 

My response to the earlier post were my real feelings on the matter...not the 180 method...she seems pretty exhausted from sleeping in my daughter's bed last night...the only exchg of words today was good morning...I think she was expecting more...I got up a little early (so did she)....she spotted me working out in the basement...something I rarely do so early in the morning

[RedDevil66]

Just had a thought, since I haven't gone so far as to reveal the affair to OMW...I do have OM's # and I have no prob calling him and telling him I suspect he is back in touch with W, but to let him know I still have all the emails, as well as his address as it's listed, and that it's possible I send them to his wife...

 

Comments?

 

I'm torn on this one since calling him and telling his wife keeps you in the madness and shows you give a sh*t!

When my ex was cheating on me, I did not confront the scuzzy witch, I bowed out, had my dignity and said "You two are made for each other, have a great life"

 

and after 11 yrs, I walked! I was not going to lower myself to fight for anyone who wanted to trash me the way he did.

Yeah, he came crawling back, but I was done! My heart was broken, but no way I was going to let him break my spirit also.

 

I say keep your dignity, stop playing these stupid games and just take care of you.

 

All this snooping and obsessing is making you nuts and keeps HER in total control over YOU!

[bestplayer]

Just had a thought, since I haven't gone so far as to reveal the affair to OMW...I do have OM's # and I have no prob calling him and telling him I suspect he is back in touch with W, but to let him know I still have all the emails, as well as his address as it's listed, and that it's possible I send them to his wife...

 

Comments?

I can understand " revealing the affair to OMW " is not easy to convince yoursself into doing it , but I would suggest , dont arrive at any decison quickly , take sometime to reflect , then decide as u have been doing so far .

 

Best of luck.

[FlightLevel370]

well, I'm happy to report that the 180/Homer treatment worked! The 180 got her to talk to me...the Homer treatment worked like a charm...I started putting away the Xmas decs, and started general cleanup arnd to house...she asked why I was doing that, and I said I had a realtor coming in a few hrs to chk the place out since we were def splitting...deer in the headlights!...I asked if she was still wanting a D, and she said yes...so I used Homer's 3 key phrases and the house came crashing down! Though a D isn't what I prefer, I feel the marriage is over and unworkable...when the time comes, I'll help u and the kids find an apt!....I got a snide "thanks a lot"!...but she came around fast...she reaffirmed she isn't talking to OM anymore...I chkd her email and there were no notifications of any msgs from him...not even in the trash file...I guess he's still scared of me since the time I left a nasty msg with the receptionist at his job...calling him a homewrecker and to tell his wife next time she comes in or calls...

 

As for what I thought this past wknd...I guess chking the cell records and letting my mind wander got the best of me...she wants to continue the church counseling and also wants to see a real marriage counselor to make us work....and she reassured me it was only an EA...

 

I want to thank ALL of you for your insight and support in my time of need...u guys r great and I wish all of u the best in yr relationships!

[Gunny376]

Glad to see things working out for you. Just remember its never going to be over.

 

Forever the rest of your days, be it with the wife your wife or any other woman got to be willing to walk.

[tnttim]

See that stuff works miracles, don't stop using it, ever. I still use it. Good luck and keep us posted, great job.

[FlightLevel370]

We talked a bit this morning, and she loosened up somewhat. She still wants to go thru the DivorceCare program at church, which I'm fine with as it's specifically designed to PREVENT divorce, and she wants to see a regular counselor too...which I'm ok with, because we both want to know how to prevent this from happening again...well, I know now-I'm just a few steps ahead of her right now, but she is giving it her all now to make this a solid marriage....she is reaching out more than ever...after our breakthrough chat yesterday, I surprised her with a candlelight dinner, with grilled filet mignon (it was below frzing outside)...that really scored points, then I scattered 2 dozen red roses in her car this morning; I haven't seen those big smiles on her in ages...I'm quite certain I can fully bring her back. She asked ME to go for dinner and a movie Friday...

[hopesndreams]

See that stuff works miracles, don't stop using it, ever. I still use it. Good luck and keep us posted, great job.

 

What an exhausting way to live your life.

[hopesndreams]

I surprised her with a candlelight dinner, with grilled filet mignon (it was below frzing outside)...that really scored points, then I scattered 2 dozen red roses in her car this morning;

 

Overkill. How long are you going to be able to keep up the pace? Why the hay are you trying to win her over? She is the one that has done wrong, what has she been doing for you?

[imagine]

Overkill. How long are you going to be able to keep up the pace?

 

I disagree. This is opportunity for celebration.

[2sunny]

We talked a bit this morning, and she loosened up somewhat. She still wants to go thru the DivorceCare program at church, which I'm fine with as it's specifically designed to PREVENT divorce, and she wants to see a regular counselor too...which I'm ok with, because we both want to know how to prevent this from happening again...well, I know now-I'm just a few steps ahead of her right now, but she is giving it her all now to make this a solid marriage....she is reaching out more than ever...after our breakthrough chat yesterday, I surprised her with a candlelight dinner, with grilled filet mignon (it was below frzing outside)...that really scored points, then I scattered 2 dozen red roses in her car this morning; I haven't seen those big smiles on her in ages...I'm quite certain I can fully bring her back. She asked ME to go for dinner and a movie Friday...

 

 

i don't understand what ACTION SHE has taken/done to REPAIR what SHE did wrong! you have described words - but not action. a person can have all the best intentions in the world - but take no action for what those intentions are.

 

looks like she's got YOU doing all the action work. she's doing nothing except words - and YOU'RE making her dinner, roses blah blah blah...

 

does this look backwards to you? you have given her ALL your power again. no wonder she's standing there with a huge smile - who wouldn't? she's got you whipped!!!

 

YOU have rewarded her bad behavior... she's thinking - "i can treat him with disregard and disrespect and not make it up to him at all - and he will still treat me like a queen."

 

you, my dear, have just forfeited any and all leverage you MAY have previously had. you now gave her full permission not only to continue to walk all over you - but to trample you... be on the lookout... it's a coming... and it's only your own fault this time because you never set a boundary and waited for her to respect it.