How can I stop the divorce my wife wants?

[2sunny]

her first response is "so I should stay and be miserable?"

 

this is your wife's response? i'm not so sure what you are waiting for. this is her thinking when she considers staying married to you?

 

GET the apt for her now, GET the divorce started now - so she can see what it looks like for her to be out and on her own - THAT is the only way she may become more inspired to start drastic changes in your M.

 

she's sitting in limbo because she doesn't want to be on her own and give up the "goodies" she's had in the M - but she stays in the house with you because she doesn't want to give up the "goodies." she sounds spoiled, take the spoiled option away so you can even see IF she begins to get motivated. being deep in thought about the crap she's about to embark upon hasn't been enough to get her to take action and start working on the M - its on;y been enough for her to stay there and do whatever she wants to.

[FreeNow]

I didn't really clarify what the implications that I presented to her were from the workshop I went to lady night.

 

IMHO, good thing it wasn't you telling her directly.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your right FN, she does sound spoiled. She's the only one causing these problems, but she doesnt want to change them.

 

So how can she blame her husband. I think flight should file and get her outta the house, or sell it and split it in half. Let her be the single mother she chooses to be.

 

Why should he waste his time trying to make his wife make the marriage better when she's doing nothing but to destroy it. She could have worked on the marriage when she started to be unhappy, but no she bottled her resentments inside and declared to herself that the marriage is over but yet is still living in the house???

 

WTF, who is she to make unilateral decisions if your in a marriage it should be a joint decision.

 

I would file it's too much to live like that where the woman cannot make up her mind and has had and having affairs. Yeah like that solves anything.

[tnttim]

Remember when you have her that steak dinner? You haven't stopped giving her steak since you started. How is this showing her what a D feels like. You have to look at it from her point of view. She's thinking, I got him wrapped around my little finger. He's even going to MC by himself, and all I have to do is wink at him and I got him back. The feelings crap talks have to end. Feelings, especially hormone driven female feelings, change too frequent to invest any thought into. I'm not saying don't listen and agree, but why try to change them. I hate to burst your bubble but you took a huge back step going to that class alone. Again what does she think, she thinks she doesn't have to invest any time inton this M because he's doing all the work. Stop and think flight, your really smart, use that brain of yours, and consider this. What lawyer in their right mind would tell you the M has a chance. I say he's a smart lawyer because he knows the more you push the M, the less shell want it to work and you will be using his services in the D because he cared so much. Come on think about it, a caring thoughtful lawyer. He has an ulterior motive like your W. You had a plan 3 weeks ago. Maybe you should start sticking to it.

[FreeNow]

I think flight should file and get her outta the house, or sell it and split it in half. Let her be the single mother she chooses to be.

 

Why should he waste his time trying to make his wife make the marriage better when she's doing nothing but to destroy it.

 

There is wisdom in all of your post. However, if Flight is anything like I was and many men are, he will continue beating his head against that wall. It is part of what makes us men, I suppose.

 

As you pointed out, the glaring problem here is that is she has not addressed her original problems; betrayal and lying. She is being wooed back into the marriage. Why do that? If she honestly saw the error of her behavior then she would be begging to remain in the marriage. A spouse that has to be coaxed back after choosing to have an affair is not a spouse worth having.

[tnttim]

There is wisdom in all of your post. However, if Flight is anything like I was and many men are, he will continue beating his head against that wall. It is part of what makes us men, I suppose.

 

As you pointed out, the glaring problem here is that is she has not addressed her original problems; betrayal and lying. She is being wooed back into the marriage. Why do that? If she honestly saw the error of her behavior then she would be begging to remain in the marriage. A spouse that has to be coaxed back after choosing to have an affair is not a spouse worth having.

 

He's right^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

and it won't last under those circumstances.

[scorpmale009]

let us say after all this pampering what ever you wanted to call, you got your W back...then whats next...

 

i have a car, you have a wife that is all it comes down to(which doesn't make any difference)

[2sunny]

He's right^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

and it won't last under those circumstances.

 

hopefully it won't last... who wants a cheating wife who's acting all privileged and bitchy to last? i say make it stop - and make it stop now!

[Steadfast]

Wow, what a journey. This thing is reading like a novel...a bad novel. All kinds of advice given, all different directions. So confusing.

 

This seems closest to reality:

 

 

-Once she turned that corner and started looking at someone outside the M, that can excite her, the M is then dead in the water.

 

-How can you bring it back to life? Why would you even bother?...Once she acts out her desires (which has happened or will happen) there is no turning back. Her moral compass would then be broken. She will blame you for her actions and will out of the blue, want a D, and you are left wondering why and how can you fix this.

 

-Her own selfish wants and needs are ruling her world right now. You need to build your strength and get in control, for whichever outcome.

 

 

Stop playing games and end this charade. Don't push the divorce, ploy or scheme, decide that you want better for you and end it. End it and let her go. End it and move on.

 

If she really loves you, she'll tell you. She'll show you. Maybe you'll be available, maybe you'll have moved on and met someone else. The bottom line is; she's a cheater and unfortunately they rarely change. Understand that yes, a part of her does love you and always will, but whatever the draw is, it's stronger than the love she has for you.

 

End it and move on. Do it, it's the right thing. The alternative is sucking the life out of you.

[bestplayer]

She has been apologizing repeatedly for the mess she has created the past few days. When I explain the implications and consequences of a D, her first response is "so I should stay and be miserable?". I tell her (ala Homer) that being miserable is a choice; everybody at the Divorce Care group felt I had a workable M. I reminded her of how she will need to get a real job, a sitter, an apt...etc. Or she can really put in an effort and try to fix this. I can tell the wheels in her head r turning.

 

I even spoke with my atty yesterday, who honestly told me the M sounds workable....and she's a good atty!

 

 

FlightLevel370 i have been following ur posts i think at this stage u have to tell her

" that u love her more than she knows but her behaviour is hurting ur self-respect , u feel that u are forcing her to stay in marriage against her will & u dont want to be someone who wants to force his unwilling partner into staying because of guilt . Tell her if she still feels that she will be miserable with u , u want to lt her go because u dont want urself to be clingy , needy & without self-esteem .

 

she needs to undestand that clearly .

[1Angel]

It will be painful, but let her go. You can then be with someone who wants to be with you not someone who is coaxed, someone who will respect and love only you.

[tnttim]

Wow, what a journey. This thing is reading like a novel...a bad novel. All kinds of advice given, all different directions. So confusing.

 

This seems closest to reality:

 

 

 

Stop playing games and end this charade. Don't push the divorce, ploy or scheme, decide that you want better for you and end it. End it and let her go. End it and move on.

 

If she really loves you, she'll tell you. She'll show you. Maybe you'll be available, maybe you'll have moved on and met someone else. The bottom line is; she's a cheater and unfortunately they rarely change. Understand that yes, a part of her does love you and always will, but whatever the draw is, it's stronger than the love she has for you.

 

End it and move on. Do it, it's the right thing. The alternative is sucking the life out of you.

So a drug addict will always be a drug addict, and a drunk will always be a drunk. I beg to differ. I was all of the above at some point in my life. IMO, I am less likely to use drugs or become a drunk because I experienced the bad side first hand. Flight needs to show her, not tell her, the bad side of the D. So I agree, go through with the D.

[tnttim]

It will be painful, but let her go. You can then be with someone who wants to be with you not someone who is coaxed, someone who will respect and love only you.

yep, and that someone might be your W, but you won't know till you truly let her go.

[bestplayer]

FlightLevel370 i have been following ur posts i think at this stage u have to tell her

" that u love her more than she knows but her behaviour is hurting ur self-respect , u feel that u are forcing her to stay in marriage against her will & u dont want to be someone who wants to force his unwilling partner into staying because of guilt . Tell her if she still feels that she will be miserable with u , u want to lt her go because u dont want urself to be clingy , needy & without self-esteem .

 

she needs to undestand that clearly .

 

i think she has not yet heared these things from u which are real

[tnttim]

i think she has not yet heared these things from u which are real

I think if you say these things right now they will fall on deaf ears. That's a talk you save while you are reconciliating. If you read his posts, you will see his wife's advice to him, he never believes or just discounts. I think she does the same to him, why waste your energy now. Follow the plan you made.

[floridapad]

Flight,

 

All this "working" and "focusing" on the marriage and reconciliation is killing you as it killed me. At some point you both need to detach from the marriage (Emotionally speaking, not legally) so that each individual can focus on him/her self. Will a new marriage come about? Who knows, but one thing for sure, while your trying to "work" on a marriage that, to her, has bad associated "feelings" it will be very difficult indeed. This is a loooong process. Sometimes the only way to get through it is to just let go.

 

Your actions and not words is the only thing that counts right now. Let her be the one to work on the marriage. Give her the emotional space and work on getting YOUR sh*t together. If she wants to talk, just listen. It will be hard but just listen. She has her own deamons she needs to work on and everytime you are overly nice or talk about the M it just reminds her of those deamons. She truly needs time to herself. Let go and go about your life.

 

One last thing. Many people including me NEED to know they have done everything to fight for their marriage and that is truly an honorable thing. But at some point doing everything requires letting go. Truly letting go. Some times you have to let go to get things back.

[tnttim]

the person that expects the least gets the most.

 

think about it.

[Steadfast]

 

So a drug addict will always be a drug addict, and a drunk will always be a drunk. I beg to differ. I was all of the above at some point in my life. IMO, I am less likely to use drugs or become a drunk because I experienced the bad side first hand. Flight needs to show her, not tell her, the bad side of the D. So I agree, go through with the D.

 

 

You know Tim, there are many people who advise that once a spouse cheats, that's it; it's over. No second chances, no recon, no dice. Why? because trust is broken, and no matter how much love there was, is, or could be, it does not replace that one critical element in any relationship.

 

Ever. Not completely. We're human and although we can forgive, we can't forget.

 

I don't hold to the 'one strike' rule because I do not believe one-size fits all. You do. We disagree. Yet, my dad had an affair but my folks worked it out and were married 65 years. The thing we must not forget is that you can't help someone who doesn't want help.

[tnttim]

I don't hold to the 'one strike' rule because I do not believe one-size fits all. You do. We disagree. Yet, my dad had an affair but my folks worked it out and were married 65 years. The thing we must not forget is that you can't help someone who doesn't want help.

 

WTF are you talking about? I am with my W that cheated. You were telling me in my threads to give up, she can't be trusted.

 

here's what you said to me 1/07/2010

 

"Finally Tim, please understand that my way did work. But, it wasn't my way as much as simply the right thing to do. I didn't want to be married to a woman who slept with other men, so I divorced her. I would and will recommend that course of action to anyone who's in a similar position. Just because I love this woman and care about her, does not mean I want to be in a marriage with her, nor does it mean I failed because we divorced. The failing happened when she looked into another man's eyes and said yes."

[Steadfast]

My point is simply this; different people live, exist and tolerate the subjects raised on this board under different circumstances. As the self professed 'recon' guy, you push this Homer thing like some kind of snake oil salesman. While most all agree that adjusting one's mental outlook and working on your own deficiencies is a step in the right direction, these principles can't be applied to everyone all the time. It gives false hope and reeks of control.

 

The best advice one can give, under all circumstances, is encouragement in simply doing the right thing. Almost without exception, it's best to remove yourself from a painful, unhealthy situation. It's like they say on the airplane; fit your own oxygen mask before helping someone with theirs.

 

So while the push-pull, 180, and other tactics are useful in restoring one's outlook and perspective, the motivation behind the action is critical. You seem to think I advocate divorce, which is ridiculous. That's like joining a fan club for people who love Novocaine shots. However, the action of divorce was designed to free people from destroyed martial unions. Short of physical violence, there is nothing more damaging to a marriage than unfaithfulness. Reconciliation after this is possible only when both parties decide it is what's best for them. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up.

[tnttim]

Steadfast, Please look back at some of my Homer posts. They follow the same logic as your posts. NC, have fun, change yourself, talk to a lawyer, move on, better yourself, eat, work out, dress nice, and leave your spouse alone unless you have to talk to her. These are all Homer's suggestions, 180 suggestions, yours, and my suggestions, why? Because they work. We are on the same team. The only place we really differ is I say it helps the recon, you say it helps you move on. Why are we arguing? My point is that Flight wants to recon, so I say I have a sure fire way to recon, it motivates him. There is another woman, I can;t think of her name, that said she wants to leave and start over, I said I have a sure fire way to leave, it motivated her. I gave them the same advice, just different possible outcomes.

[Steadfast]

I know we agree on one thing; a woman is far more likely to be attracted to a strong man than a weak one. But there's a difference between setting the tone and actual, long-term change. In my case, the changes I've gone through were forged with fire; like a hot torch pointed at piece of metal. I'm changed forever. In most cases for the better, but there are some glitches to work through. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to fully give my heart away or marry again. All I'm sure of is that I'll surely have doubts.

 

Again, I state this from personal experience; I fully and completely 'Homerized' my ex-wife. All except the dating, which came after the divorce. Even then it was probably too soon, but the female attention felt good. In the end however, it seems my ex's loss of attraction for me was genuine and real. Either that, or she's afraid of rejection, or simply too proud. Either way, it all adds up to the same thing. We're apart to stay.

 

That's the way the cookie crumbles. I did all I could, then moved on. That's all any of us can do, recon or divorce. Aim for happiness. The subjects on this forum remind me of a verse I heard on the radio tonight:

"Happens everyday, someone walks away, someone's hanging on..." The Kings

[tnttim]

I think Flight has left the terminal