Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 Here's the crazy thing...I'm at work and she texts me to say "good Morning and have a nice day"....I just don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Here's the crazy thing...I'm at work and she texts me to say "good Morning and have a nice day"....I just don't get it. Your male brain cannot and will not ever get it. Its like trying to read Spanish and not know how to speak it. I heard a good book to read is His needs, her needs. If you want to get her attention back to you read Super Sex Power. Its a great book and the techniques are working for me. If she seems complacent with you this book will turn it around. You'll be amazed with the immediate results. My point, if she confuses you with her ways. Read the manual again. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Here's the crazy thing...I'm at work and she texts me to say "good Morning and have a nice day"....I just don't get it. She wants you to keep her in your good books and not be angry with her. As previously posted, she wants to come out of this smelling like a rose and sitting in the perty little house and having OM over for visits. My H would do the same thing to me over and over. Not just texts but long a** emails as well. There were even gifts delivered to my door. It's all just a game to them. They are just words, nothing more. Try not to read anything into it and expect more of the same, doesn't mean you have to respond. Best thing, ignore it and delete it. Have you packed up her stuff yet? Without consequences for her, it's all done and dusted, and she will do her best to keep her friendship with you, as above, until such time she will no longer need it. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Here's the crazy thing...I'm at work and she texts me to say "good Morning and have a nice day"....I just don't get it. Respond in the same vein: " I love warm greetings - I'll be with you soon" Its hard to be angry with someone who is caring. Ignore any malice that comes your way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 Respond in the same vein: " I love warm greetings - I'll be with you soon" Its hard to be angry with someone who is caring. Ignore any malice that comes your way. Doesn't that go against the 180/homer? Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Doesn't that go against the 180/homer? is she pulling away? No she's coming closer, so you come closer. If you didn't how would you ever get her back? Your past the NC part and LC part of this, until she pulls away again, and she will. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Doesn't that go against the 180/homer? I'm not a Homer fan. Nevertheless do not overdo affection. I did like your style of radical honesty (at the correct time). Previously you guys were doing pretty good. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 there is a new thread started by Sweet-T in the OM/OW forum... she is married having an affair with another MM. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t217932/ if you really want to see why it's important to find out what the truth MIGHT be - take a look at her story. the story looks the same as many others - but she does give a peek at what it looks like when the truth is revealed... the lies and cover up are expressed in her story from her side as well as what her OMM's approach is to his M. the reasons a spouse keeps the truth from the other are many... and the reasons are clear why the truth must be revealed if the M is to begin a healing process. when the cover up is so big - and the hiding serves a purpose - it is always detrimental to the M. take a look. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 I only acknowledged that I rcvd her tx with a "thx"...I wanted her to know I was not flying when I got it, but I did not wish her a nice day/good morning in return. She replied with a :-) msg. I hv not contacted her at all today, we will see how things r when I get home in a few hrs. I'll go back to my happy carefree Homer behavior... Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 is she pulling away? No she's coming closer, so you come closer. If you didn't how would you ever get her back? Your past the NC part and LC part of this, until she pulls away again, and she will. I'm just frustrated from the chat she and I had last nite, telling me how great these past few weeks have been, but it hasn't chgd her stance on leaving! I know...keep being happy, and agree... Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I'm just frustrated from the chat she and I had last nite, telling me how great these past few weeks have been, but it hasn't chgd her stance on leaving! I know...keep being happy, and agree... so far... well done Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 thanks...we talked for a bit over dinner, and I made some valid points...she has been in deep thought since... A friend of mine compares her to a jumper on the ledge of a building. If the jumper jumps, it's proud suicide...if he steps back inside, it's an embarrassment. If my wife divorces me, it's proud suicide; if not, it's embarrassment... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 thanks...we talked for a bit over dinner, and I made some valid points...she has been in deep thought since... A friend of mine compares her to a jumper on the ledge of a building. If the jumper jumps, it's proud suicide...if he steps back inside, it's an embarrassment. If my wife divorces me, it's proud suicide; if not, it's embarrassment... that's a really awful way to describe the outcome - either way seems doomed. why try at all when either outcome looks terrible? tell us what your valid points consisted of when you spoke with her... Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 Some of the valid points were how she activated the passcode on her phone, and blocked me from seeing her facebook profile. If she had nothing to hide, why do this...so she deactivated the passcode and unblocked me on facebook. I explained to her about the captain I flew with today, and his nasty divorce...after dinner I went to the Divorce Care workshop at church. W stayed home cuz nobody could watch the kids. I came home and told her about what the people in class were experiencing, and how weird the people thought it was that I was facing a D due to my conflict (lack of) management. Even with the EA they all thought it's a workable thing. I showed my W the workbook we got, and highlighted all the horrible things involved with a D...she's been in DEEP thought since I came home with this...tomorrow nite: a real marriage counselor... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 Some of the valid points were how she activated the passcode on her phone, and blocked me from seeing her facebook profile. If she had nothing to hide, why do this...so she deactivated the passcode and unblocked me on facebook. I explained to her about the captain I flew with today, and his nasty divorce...after dinner I went to the Divorce Care workshop at church. W stayed home cuz nobody could watch the kids. I came home and told her about what the people in class were experiencing, and how weird the people thought it was that I was facing a D due to my conflict (lack of) management. Even with the EA they all thought it's a workable thing. I showed my W the workbook we got, and highlighted all the horrible things involved with a D...she's been in DEEP thought since I came home with this...tomorrow nite: a real marriage counselor... deep in thought means nothing except that she's unwilling to share her feelings with you (not ideal). if and when she makes progress a good place to start would be for her to share ALL of her feelings with you instead of keeping them to herself in such a selfish way. your marriage will never recover if she doesn't start being honest and taking an active role in participating in the marriage and the recovery of the mess she's made. that should begin with her telling you about her feelings instead of being so selfish with them... if she's going to just keep everything to herself - she may as well BE by herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 She has been apologizing repeatedly for the mess she has created the past few days. When I explain the implications and consequences of a D, her first response is "so I should stay and be miserable?". I tell her (ala Homer) that being miserable is a choice; everybody at the Divorce Care group felt I had a workable M. I reminded her of how she will need to get a real job, a sitter, an apt...etc. Or she can really put in an effort and try to fix this. I can tell the wheels in her head r turning. I even spoke with my atty yesterday, who honestly told me the M sounds workable....and she's a good atty! Link to post Share on other sites
scorpmale009 Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 bro, i read your entire your story...but how long you are prepared to do this...? she is the one had an affair...if there is any thing to be fixed it is her and should be started by her not you and your analysis and paralysis leaves you no where she is smiling at me...is it love she sat next to me...is she coming back she sent me a gm msg...is she into me she watched a movie with me....is she second guessing she is accepted my dinner invitation....and so on and on above things i can do with my friend or anybody i know from yesterday(it's just to make this split amicably so that she does not have to suffer in the long run) whats the point in analyzing when she herself said it...she is not into you(this itself is enough for me to file D) start the D process...life is too short to share it with a cheater Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 She has been apologizing repeatedly for the mess she has created the past few days. When I explain the implications and consequences of a D, her first response is "so I should stay and be miserable?". I tell her (ala Homer) that being miserable is a choice; everybody at the Divorce Care group felt I had a workable M. I reminded her of how she will need to get a real job, a sitter, an apt...etc. Or she can really put in an effort and try to fix this. I can tell the wheels in her head r turning. I even spoke with my atty yesterday, who honestly told me the M sounds workable....and she's a good atty! Why are you explaining the D as being bad, that's not pushing the D. She has to do the thinking, not you. You shouldn't her telling her a D is bad, she should be experiencing the D being bad. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 She has been apologizing repeatedly for the mess she has created the past few days. When I explain the implications and consequences of a D, her first response is "so I should stay and be miserable?". I tell her (ala Homer) that being miserable is a choice; everybody at the Divorce Care group felt I had a workable M. I reminded her of how she will need to get a real job, a sitter, an apt...etc. Or she can really put in an effort and try to fix this. I can tell the wheels in her head r turning. I even spoke with my atty yesterday, who honestly told me the M sounds workable....and she's a good atty! She needs to understand the ramifications of a D. Start driving home to her how it's gonna be, not by words, which can be construed as idle threats, but by actions. You can start by doing an online search of available apartments in the area and sending them to her. How is her job resume looking? Don't let her think for a second longer that the house could be hers and she wouldn't have to work her b*tt off to make it in this world. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks at this point. She has told you what she thinks and it's not wanting to be miserable and her way to achieve this is by ending the M, on her terms only. She'll continue to stall on giving the final death blow until she is sure of getting what she wants. Mostly financial. She is still in communication with OM, the signs are there. When you say she is deep in thought, that may be true, but since she is not sharing what those thoughts are, you can be sure OM is in them or just outright fantasy of what her life can be like, without you in it. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 I reminded her of how she will need to get a real job, a sitter, an apt...etc. Or she can really put in an effort and try to fix this. I can tell the wheels in her head r turning. A financial hostage type scenario. One possible outcome is that she does what is necessary to stay married and might even buy into it for a while. However, some time down the road she might encounter someone else that gives her this financial freedom from the marriage or she might make her own financial freedom. When that happens, if the financial aspects were what kept her in the marriage, she might very well resent that she stayed for those reasons. We are talking about a grown woman here. She surely knows that working a 'real' job and paying for things like an apartment are things 'grown-ups' do. If she doesn't then she has much growing up do to. You can't do that for her and she won't do it herself until she must. That is unlikely within the financial safety net of the marriage. It's one thing for her to come to the conclusions that it is in her best interests to stay in the marriage and quite another for it to be presented to her so frankly by the person she was trying to leave. They must discover this aspect on their own for it to have the lasting effect that these marriage reconciliation tips are crafted to achieve. Perhaps ask yourself, "Do I really want the choice to be between our marriage and her getting a 'real' job and having to pay bills?" Read as ridiculous? Well, that is the choice being presented. You are writing about what amounts to a 'kept woman'. A reconciliation based on any part of that financial Stockholm Syndrome is doomed. Eventually there will be no respect or love; only resentment will remain from both partners. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 I didn't really clarify what the implications that I presented to her were from the workshop I went to lady night. It wasn't financial, it was mental. I told her how the children of some of the divorcees were suffering, and that our kids will no longer b able to attend the pvt school we worked so hard to get them into...because there will b no $$$ for it. The school system in our town lvs much to b desired. She knows the financial battle she will have to battle... Link to post Share on other sites
silverplanets Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 It's one thing for her to come to the conclusions that it is in her best interests to stay in the marriage and quite another for it to be presented to her so frankly by the person she was trying to leave. They must discover this aspect on their own for it to have the lasting effect that these marriage reconciliation tips are crafted to achieve. I would emphasise the above. Whatever she has done, she is a person and having had an affair myself, been divorced and also had a relationship with a married woman I would suggest that well before the affair she reached a conclusion inside her that the marriage was over (or at least not healthy for her). The affair is a result imho of her consciously or unconsciouly reaching this internal conclusion. She reached it by herself over months and maybe years, slowly, bit by bit. What you have done is super .. you have controlled yourself, looked after your kids, kept your head, your job and your sense of self ...... and slowly she may indeed be starting to see that just maybe she may have got it wrong. Internally she's going to need to come to a point where she has a quiet conversation with herself and reviews that descision .. and only she can do that. She has a belief that your marriage was not working for her and slowly you are leading her to perhaps question that belief ... A point to bear in mind is no-one likes to be "wrong", especially if that makes another party right ... nor do poeple like to go back on a major descision (even if it means stubbonly maintaining a harmful viewpoint). In her mind she was right (based on her analysis of facts, feelings and emotions at the time) and in a way by following the path you have and letting the break up "continue" you have allowed her to be right .. which is good for her ego/sense of self. Lately she has started to see new facts which might encourage her to think "I was right back then" but perhaps I can be right in a different way now ... In other words if the descision to move to something new with you is seen as her descision (distinct and separate from the original it's over descision) then she has no inner turmoil .. her first descision was correct (marriage over) and so would be the second (marriage back on) ... Imho it's when the second descision means she must face the fact that she was wrong with her first one that you get into issues .. and you will get resistance based upon her ego not wanting to admit to you that she was wrong. Anyway, just thoughts .. if the descision to get back together with you doesn't conflict with her earlier conclusion that the marriage is over then it will be easier for her to process. (and yes, I know that in reality she's also avoiding guilt etc, but she's just human like the rest of us and that's what we do :-) ) Good luck, I admire your direction through this and whatever the end result I fail to see how you could have done it better Link to post Share on other sites
silverplanets Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 thanks...we talked for a bit over dinner, and I made some valid points...she has been in deep thought since... A friend of mine compares her to a jumper on the ledge of a building. If the jumper jumps, it's proud suicide...if he steps back inside, it's an embarrassment. If my wife divorces me, it's proud suicide; if not, it's embarrassment... Your friend sounds like a good one to have .... she needs a third option, which in her mind trumps the "jump" :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 Your friend sounds like a good one to have .... she needs a third option, which in her mind trumps the "jump" :-) No kidding! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 I would emphasise the above. Whatever she has done, she is a person and having had an affair myself, been divorced and also had a relationship with a married woman I would suggest that well before the affair she reached a conclusion inside her that the marriage was over (or at least not healthy for her). The affair is a result imho of her consciously or unconsciouly reaching this internal conclusion. She reached it by herself over months and maybe years, slowly, bit by bit. What you have done is super .. you have controlled yourself, looked after your kids, kept your head, your job and your sense of self ...... and slowly she may indeed be starting to see that just maybe she may have got it wrong. Internally she's going to need to come to a point where she has a quiet conversation with herself and reviews that descision .. and only she can do that. She has a belief that your marriage was not working for her and slowly you are leading her to perhaps question that belief ... A point to bear in mind is no-one likes to be "wrong", especially if that makes another party right ... nor do poeple like to go back on a major descision (even if it means stubbonly maintaining a harmful viewpoint). In her mind she was right (based on her analysis of facts, feelings and emotions at the time) and in a way by following the path you have and letting the break up "continue" you have allowed her to be right .. which is good for her ego/sense of self. Lately she has started to see new facts which might encourage her to think "I was right back then" but perhaps I can be right in a different way now ... In other words if the descision to move to something new with you is seen as her descision (distinct and separate from the original it's over descision) then she has no inner turmoil .. her first descision was correct (marriage over) and so would be the second (marriage back on) ... Imho it's when the second descision means she must face the fact that she was wrong with her first one that you get into issues .. and you will get resistance based upon her ego not wanting to admit to you that she was wrong. Anyway, just thoughts .. if the descision to get back together with you doesn't conflict with her earlier conclusion that the marriage is over then it will be easier for her to process. (and yes, I know that in reality she's also avoiding guilt etc, but she's just human like the rest of us and that's what we do :-) ) Good luck, I admire your direction through this and whatever the end result I fail to see how you could have done it better Thanks a lot Silver Planets. One of my key phrases since she and I are talking about our relationships is: "I have learned a lot about myself and relationship protocol with all that has happened. I'm actually grateful that our marriage ended emotionally in November. What I have learned will be applied to my future relationships, BE IT WITH YOU (wife) OR EVERY OTHER WOMAN I ENTER A RELATIONSHIP, as well as how I will handle friendships and normal interactions with people". I tell her that what has happened in the past stays there. Like tnttim stated, I have to treat this as if the marriage is over... I can tell she's thinking exactly what SilverPlanets said. She can tell that I'm being the mature grown up with this...and that I'm mentally prepared to travel down either road. Link to post Share on other sites
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