threebyfate Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Lol! You had a very fast-paced relationship leading up to engagement. How did you react when you husband first told you he loved you given the short amount of time you'd been seeing each other?I hyperventilated! Link to post Share on other sites
InspiredbyYou Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 I'm starting to feel kind of trapped. And I have little free time to myself because he wants to do something every night. He knows that I'm not usually busy at night, so what excuse could I give if I just want alone time? How do I communicate to him that I'm feeling pressured while making it clear that I really value him and want to be with him? I have to be delicate about this. In the past whenever I've raised anything slight, he's gotten visibly very nervous. You don't bring up the "feeling pressured" thing, I was in the exact same predicament as you when I first came here. My guy was totally rushing me through things, the last straw was he showed up at my work unannounced asking if I needed a drive home from work since he was already in the neighborhood. I like to do my own thing and I like to come and go as I please and I don't like to spend all days with my partner in a relationship I crave my alone time. Now that I know him well enough I know this is just his nature, he is very generous and giving and will bend over backwards for someone he cares about. Then, it felt like it was way too much too soon. You simply tell him you like to take things slower, that this is moving fast and that you like to have balance in your life. he is young and more than likely not used to balancing his emotions and therefore his reactions to his emotions, so you must step in to do it for him without hurting his feelings. I think he will be more fragile than the average guy because of his inexperience. Tell him your concerns about too much too soon that you don't want the relationship to burn out fast therefore you need to pace things in order to create more of a balance. Reassure him you really like him and love his company but that you are afraid that if you do too much too soon you will BOTH run the risk of spoiling something very good. There is no reason why he should reject that, you don't have to lie to make yourself look busy, just level with him. It's very important you do pull back at this stage, for if you continue this level if intensity and time spent together it will suffocate you both. It's a smart move on your part to be concerned about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 You don't bring up the "feeling pressured" thing Agreed. I would view this as a kiss of death for the relationship, whether it was meant as one or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 No, I don't think that you can be in love after a month, but it can feel like it. It's infatuation. However, my husband told me he loved me after a month... accidentally, I might add. I think he was sorry he said it because I looked shocked, but he didn't take it back. He was also very complimentary in the beginning, as your guy is. If it's for real, though, you will two will last the through the honeymoon phase. Don't stress too much about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 You just said it - you guys skipped over the getting-to-know-you phase (and therefore haven't even gone through it!). And the truth is, you haven't known each other for years. You cannot love someone you don't know the whole of. You can be in love with the idea of someone, though... Beautifully spoken ! You have MANY levels to get through until you get to Love... Spend lots of time together.....months....find out likes and dislikes....only then once you get to the core of the person can you know that you love them... Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Yikes. I see the hero worship pushing you away if he doesn't slow down. But yes, I have known within a month of just knowing somebody that I was in love. Happened with my XH. Obviously ended up married....but then divorced. Nothing to do with how early we fell in love with each other, but his incredible selfishness. Link to post Share on other sites
melly18 Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 I think it is. My ex and I told each other that we love each other after 3 weeks of being together. Link to post Share on other sites
Vertex Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 You simply tell him you like to take things slower, that this is moving fast and that you like to have balance in your life. he is young and more than likely not used to balancing his emotions and therefore his reactions to his emotions, so you must step in to do it for him without hurting his feelings. I think he will be more fragile than the average guy because of his inexperience. Tell him your concerns about too much too soon that you don't want the relationship to burn out fast therefore you need to pace things in order to create more of a balance. Reassure him you really like him and love his company but that you are afraid that if you do too much too soon you will BOTH run the risk of spoiling something very good. I think this is very good. Many people who are very emotionally driven and go a bit too far too soon tend to think "Oh no, they're telling me to slow down because they don't want me in some capacity." I think as long as you put that fear to rest, your desire to take things slowly is a reasonable one that should be more easily understood such that it won't hurt his feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 i felt myself falling in love with my last GF just over a month...i didnt say anything for another month or so......but it was the most intense start to a relationship i had ever had. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 Thanks for the input, guys!! I followed the advice not to pull back, and it's been working out well. We had a wonderful new year's eve together. I took Stargazer's advice and made the chicken parm for him, and he was thrilled. He couldn't stop telling me how sweet I was for cooking him a meal. In general, it seems that whenever I get freaked out by the intensity of his feelings, a few days later mine catch up. I definitely feel like I'm well on my way to being in love with him. I keep discovering more things about him that I love. This morning he played the guitar for me for the first time, and I absolutely melted. He's amazingly good, and the way he gets totally in his zone when he plays (the expression on his face) is so cute. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 Things are going well. I think I'm falling for him, although I'm not in love yet, probably because we haven't known each other that long and I tend to be guarded with my feelings. He seems to be very enamored with me. He tells me many times a day how much he loves me. I'm still not sure what to make of how strong his feelings are, but I'm just trying to go with the flow and reserve judgment. He told me that he held himself back from telling me he loved me several times after we'd only been seeing each other for two weeks. I still really don't get how he could have possibly felt that strongly so fast. Maybe young guys are just confused about the difference between love and infatuation. But whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
MissJoness Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 When did you meet this guy? I remember so many posts you made about feeling like you could never find anybody Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 He told me that he held himself back from telling me he loved me several times Men talk like this? Sheesh, I missed that memo... Anyway, good luck and hope it works out Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 Men talk like this? Sheesh, I missed that memo... What do you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 When did you meet this guy? I remember so many posts you made about feeling like you could never find anybody A month ago. I know, I'm kind of shocked myself! Against common wisdom I made the first move by sending him an email (he was somebody I saw around but never really talked to), and the rest is history. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 What do you mean? It's kind of along the same lines as asking a woman for a kiss or asking to have sex. If I love a woman, I tell her I love her, directly. It's called being emotionally open. Works with men, too Never got the memo on peeking interest in mystery about 'when he's actually going to say the words' and hinting around them like in the quote I offered. It just doesn't make sense to me. I guess I better re-examine my man-card....it might be ersatz. Link to post Share on other sites
InspiredbyYou Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 It's kind of along the same lines as asking a woman for a kiss or asking to have sex. If I love a woman, I tell her I love her, directly. It's called being emotionally open. Works with men, too Never got the memo on peeking interest in mystery about 'when he's actually going to say the words' and hinting around them like in the quote I offered. It just doesn't make sense to me. I guess I better re-examine my man-card....it might be ersatz. I know but Car you are in your 50's this kid is 21, give him a break! Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 It's kind of along the same lines as asking a woman for a kiss or asking to have sex. If I love a woman, I tell her I love her, directly. It's called being emotionally open. Works with men, too Never got the memo on peeking interest in mystery about 'when he's actually going to say the words' and hinting around them like in the quote I offered. It just doesn't make sense to me. I guess I better re-examine my man-card....it might be ersatz. But....he's already told me directly many times that he loves me. He just told me last night that he already wanted to say it after two weeks, but held back. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I was 21 once and very much in love during that period of my life. I know what it's like. I grew a whole field of wildflowers and similar useless and laughable gestures. Telling a woman I loved her was a very important display of emotion. My reference to 'not getting the memo' pertains to a methodology of inciting feelings within a woman without actually validating and expressing one's own feelings. Call me a cynic, but a lifetime of listening to female friends and watching male behaviors brings this to mind. Combine it with only one month of knowing each other, and it concerns me. I'm an old fart, so Shadow won't identify with my perspective, and that's probably good. Life is better lived than questioned, sometimes She knows I'd make a loving, if often annoying, grandpa. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 But....he's already told me directly many times that he loves me. He just told me last night that he already wanted to say it after two weeks, but held back. OK, so why the 'I wanted to tell you xxxx' if he had already said it? Maybe the benadril is kicking in and I missed something.... Oh, I get it now....he was 'reviewing' .... that he wanted to tell you before he did tell you. I'm still cynical Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 I was 21 once and very much in love during that period of my life. I know what it's like. I grew a whole field of wildflowers and similar useless and laughable gestures. Telling a woman I loved her was a very important display of emotion. My reference to 'not getting the memo' pertains to a methodology of inciting feelings within a woman without actually validating and expressing one's own feelings. Call me a cynic, but a lifetime of listening to female friends and watching male behaviors brings this to mind. Combine it with only one month of knowing each other, and it concerns me. I'm an old fart, so Shadow won't identify with my perspective, and that's probably good. Life is better lived than questioned, sometimes She knows I'd make a loving, if often annoying, grandpa. I'm still entirely confused. He's never beaten around the bush. He keeps telling me he loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 OK, so why the 'I wanted to tell you xxxx' if he had already said it? Maybe the benadril is kicking in and I missed something.... Oh, I get it now....he was 'reviewing' .... that he wanted to tell you before he did tell you. I'm still cynical Why are you cynical? You yourself said you fell in love with a girl after only a month. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Yeah, but I didn't tell her for another three years BTW, I missed some important data while posting. I need better drugs. Thanks for your patience Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted January 5, 2010 Author Share Posted January 5, 2010 Yeah, but I didn't tell her for another three years BTW, I missed some important data while posting. I need better drugs. Thanks for your patience No worries. You're cute. Link to post Share on other sites
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 Well I havent read the whole thread yet although perhaps I should as Im in a similar situation with regards to saying ILY too soon. My boyfriend and I are LDR, we started talking online in August 2009 and met in person last month for 1 week and he told me he loved me at the end of the week we spent together, I said it back and we meant it. Its got very serious very quickly and things are developing fast but beautifully. So yes it is possible, my situation is not one of those straight out of a textbook though but for me it feels right. Link to post Share on other sites
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