mi let him go, depressed, regrets.

[whichwayisup]

I know what you are saying and I just do not have the strength to do it. It makes it so final. It would have to be his messanger I'd,his email account, and I have pics of him on my laptop, plus a pic of him as my screen saver. To delete it all is so final. I guess when I'm ready I will.

 

Change your screen saver NOW. Put all the pics in a folder and don't look at them at all. Just like the IM, if you hide it for a while it'll be out of sight out of mind.. Then when the time comes you have more strength, you can delete it all in one swoop.

[willowfields]

he just tried to call me, but he did not leave a message. i don't know what he wanted, but i want to call him back so bad.

[Lovelybird]

When he said he wants you to be positive, what exactly does he mean?

 

It seems like he is saying, I only want to know part of you, not all of you, but that is ok, as long as you don't make any trouble for me, as for your pains and struggles in life and in this affair doesn't concern me, I don't want to deal with that or your pain. As long as I get extra love and sex from you, and you keep postive

 

Do you think this is love?

[White Flower]

When he said he wants you to be positive, what exactly does he mean?

 

It seems like he is saying, I only want to know part of you, not all of you, but that is ok, as long as you don't make any trouble for me, as for your pains and struggles in life and in this affair doesn't concern me, I don't want to deal with that or your pain. As long as I get extra love and sex from you, and you keep postive

 

Do you think this is love?

It is not reality. He's willing to go through the ups and downs with his W but not willing to go through the same kinds of motions with the OW. In this mindset, all women are the same so why leave one for another? Just get sex on the side and have fun. This kind of MM thinks his OW is just a toy.

[willowfields]

when he called back a second time last night, we talked about our differences, and what i want from this(some people say affair, or relationship), and some sort of a start to a commitment. he listened to everything i had to say. he didn't lie to me and say i'm going to do this or make this happen, he said what he can give right now. he did not try to sugar coat anything.i think i found in an affair you possibly treat your SO poorly, my ap does not think so. he says what is going on in their marriage has nothing to do with me, i feel i had a hand in the breakdown of it, just being in an affair with him. i could be wrong.

 

right we decided to back off and lead our own lives.

[Brokenlady]

i think i found in an affair you possibly treat your SO poorly, my ap does not think so.

 

You know, xDM used to say to me "have I really treated you that badly?" He honestly never saw it. For MM, the OW's feelings are always an afterthought. They're too busy worrying about the BS, themselves, kids, etc, and in part there is this idea that your pain should be lessened by the idea that the MM is moving towards you. It's easier to focus on the pain of those he is moving away from. I don't think it's maliciousness, it's simply that the OW's feelings just aren't on the radar. The end result is the same though - the OW is going to get hurt over and over and over until the MM decides caring for her feelings is more important than carrying the guilt/trying to make everyone happy/sabotaging the future by holding onto the past. And sometimes, usually, that shift never happens. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and go on with your life.

[willowfields]

That is what I have done. Sometimes things that would happen would hurt so bad. I know he is not malicious, he has other things in his life that takes presidence. It does not hurt any less. Then the guilt started to hurt. The dishonesty. If he needs to talk I told he can call, I will always be there for him. Now I am living my own life. I miss him and think about him constantly.

[Brokenlady]

That is what I have done. Sometimes things that would happen would hurt so bad. I know he is not malicious, he has other things in his life that takes presidence. It does not hurt any less. Then the guilt started to hurt. The dishonesty. If he needs to talk I told him he can call, I will always be there for him. Now I am living my own life. I miss him and think about him constantly.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. I wish I had some spectacular advice on how to make it better, but I am basically struggling with the exact same thing you are now. What are you doing now for you? How has your daily patterns changed? Most of the time, I don't even know where to start.

[willowfields]

I guess right now I spend more time at the gym, other then that it is all still the same. Right my mm is stuck out of state and can not come back due to car troubles. He called me so I have been lending support over the phone. He is stuck in the middle of no where. When he broke down he was on his way home. I am trying to take better care of my health, otherwise I could get very sick again like I was 6 months ago and wind up back in the hospital. I think about him constantly, now I'm worried about him. I know he is a big boy, but I still worry.

[White Flower]

Take care of yourself.

 

((((willowfields))))

[fooled once]

That is what I have done. Sometimes things that would happen would hurt so bad. I know he is not malicious, he has other things in his life that takes presidence. It does not hurt any less. Then the guilt started to hurt. The dishonesty. If he needs to talk I told he can call, I will always be there for him. Now I am living my own life. I miss him and think about him constantly.

 

And he will call you, suck you back in and you will be right there, back at square one.

 

If he needs to talk he needs to talk to his WIFE. If she isn't the one, he needs to call a counselor. He should NOT talk to his ex lover about his marital stuff - - that is beyond disrespectful to you.

 

I guess you don't see it - we do. And until you DO start seeing it, you are going to 'be there' for him and let him dump on you.

[willowfields]

he is still out in the middle of nowhere's while his car is being repaired. i asked him yest if he did tell his wife where he is so she knows if he got home safe, and he said he had not told her yet. that was last night. idk if they have spoken yet or not.

 

i don't mind him talking to me about his problems, that is what friends are for, to lend support. right now he has so much going on, if he needs a friend, i would never turn my back on him.

[bentnotbroken]

The title of the thread should have "I think, maybe, maybe not" added to the end of it. You're not done.

[Brokenlady]

 

i don't mind him talking to me about his problems, that is what friends are for, to lend support. right now he has so much going on, if he needs a friend, i would never turn my back on him.

 

Seriously - he has turned his back on you. You don't owe him anything. Think hard about why you want to maintain this contact and what possible benefit you might be getting from it. Take care.

[willowfields]

Niether of us will go back there. I will be there for him as a friend and not turn my back.

[willowfields]

Broken in the three years we have been together he has never turned his back on me when I needed help in my marriage for advice needed money or needed mataince help or a friend to talk to. It's my personality to be there for people. Right now he needs someone with all he is going through.

[Brokenlady]

Broken in the three years we have been together he has never turned his back on me when I needed help in my marriage for advice needed money or needed mataince help or a friend to talk to. It's my personality to be there for people. Right now he needs someone with all he is going through.

 

I don't doubt that. But it doesn't have to be you. I'm more worried about YOU than him.

[make lemonade]

Not sure if I made the right choice. I told my ap that I wanted 2010 to be a year of honesty and integrity. I have not heard anything from him and I know that I would not. I could not keep going like I was. Thanks.

 

He has not responded, and most likely he won't.

 

For 3 years he's been a huge part of my life, then for 5 months we have spent so much time together. Especially in the last 5 months the way I see things has changed drastically with him and I.

 

I really have not cried yet, I have to admit that I that I do miss him, and I think I will pine for him a very long time. He has not deleted yet as a contact from his messanger, but when he does it will break my heart.

 

I know what you are saying and I just do not have the strength to do it. It makes it so final. It would have to be his messanger I'd,his email account, and I have pics of him on my laptop, plus a pic of him as my screen saver. To delete it all is so final. I guess when I'm ready I will.

 

This is exactly what i am going through right now to....

 

Now he wont speak to me, wont answer my calls, doesn't want to see me....there is messenger chat but its just talking about nothing, which is still better than nothing but....i don't know what to do....for 3 years he has been my life and i cant and don't want to let go. Ive wondered about NC for a few days to try and let him think about things but maybe that's pointless. I'm devastated that a simple email from me brought us to here. Devastated.

[fooled once]

willow, seeing how you are defending him and stating how you will never turn his back on him, I don't think you have any real desire to let go of him/the affair or stop allowing him to disrespect you by treating you this way.

 

But that is your choice....I just fear you will continue in this cycle because you don't want to turn your back on him, be his friend, be there for him, blah blah blah.

 

I fear that in a year, you will still be doing this same thing.

 

So embrace it and enjoy the bits of time you get and don't expect to move on or move forward with your life because you really don't want to let go of him.