Author moonmosaic Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 Who's house is it, did you buy it together or did one of you own it before you got married? We are renting it together. Just signed a new lease for a year. One of us will have to go. I'd rather be him because I have a 9 year old living with us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moonmosaic Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 More importantly, is this the first time? Get thee to a doctor and get tested for STDs. You found evidence he was GOING to cheat but now there should be suspicions that he may have already done so. He didnt cheat one me before, I am sure. We are together 24/7 almost. We run a business together - stuff like that would be out very quick. Cheating on me while thousands of miles away is possible. Especially that I know no-one in his town - would get no feedback. He even said in his chat to HER that it maybe for the last one as he didnt know when he would be back again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moonmosaic Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 Thank you everyone for their feedback, please add some more if you have anything to say. I am going to try to get some sleep, it's almost 1am here and I have to get up at 7.30. I will respond later during the day. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 We are renting it together. Just signed a new lease for a year. One of us will have to go. I'd rather be him because I have a 9 year old living with us. It'll be a good idea to talk to a divorce lawyer - otherwise marriage counselling is in order. You said he has a son, but you have no children from this marriage. You also say that you have a 9 year old living with you...what is the relationship with the 9 year old? Link to post Share on other sites
Spooky84 Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 We are together 24/7 almost. We run a business together. That sounds like a recipe for infidelity right there. Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 I can see in the tone of your posts that you don't have the character strength to end it with him. You can now look forward to years of jelousy, insecurity, doubt, spying and general uneasiness and misery. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moonmosaic Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 It'll be a good idea to talk to a divorce lawyer - otherwise marriage counselling is in order. You said he has a son, but you have no children from this marriage. You also say that you have a 9 year old living with you...what is the relationship with the 9 year old? She is my daughter. My daughter's father lives in England and they keep in touch regularly. His son lives with his mom. He did mention marriage counselling but what would a marriage counsellor say to this? He was a bad boy, I need to forgive? Link to post Share on other sites
Author moonmosaic Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 I can see in the tone of your posts that you don't have the character strength to end it with him. You can now look forward to years of jelousy, insecurity, doubt, spying and general uneasiness and misery. Good luck. Unfortunately that is the case when you have feelings for someone. It is very hard to step outside and be rational. I do want him to leave but he doesnt want to go. He knows he had been a jerk and he is going to fight with all his might. That's the pattern. I know he had been a jerk and I want him to leave so I can pack his stuff, change the locks so when he returns I can show him the door. He may not know this for sure but he must have thought about it. The other option is that I would bitch him about this every day, be a unbearable persona to live with and hope my behavior would drive him away eventually. The problem with this option is that his infidelity by that time would be minimized and my behavior would become the cause for the breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moonmosaic Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 That sounds like a recipe for infidelity right there. What makes you say that? Link to post Share on other sites
Brightmoon Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Hi moonmosaic.... I just wanted to say that I am sorry this is happening to you. I can imagine the turmoil you must be in. I cannot offer advice or insight but there are loads of excellent people who have done that... and more to come, I am sure. Just wanted to show my support. I do sense you have the resolve to do that is best for you in the long run. I sense it very much. You are obviously in great pain over this but your delightful sense of humour comes through so well... a wonderful dry wit:). Hope you keep posting and wishing you the very best...((hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Yep, it is easy to be logical and rational when being an outsider. Realistically if you end things now, you are looking at few months to a year worth of pain and moving on to better things and better men. If you stay with him, you are looking at decades of misery, and huge dose of anxiety anytime his mood is a bit off. You will really NEVER be able to trust him again and it will slowly eat you up and erode your self-esteem. And still you are looking at an ending somewhere down the line and going through few months to a year worth of pain while you move on. Also while all infidelities are bad, this one looks even sleazier than the most (chatting to multiple women, making an emotional connection with one and wanting to meet for sex, delibaretly seeking out these encounters). Now that you have discovered this, he will unfortunatly only hide it better in the future. Given what you have presented in this thread, I don't beleive that there is any hope of him being genuinly sorry and never doing this again. No hope at all. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 He didnt cheat one me before, I am sure. We are together 24/7 almost. We run a business together - stuff like that would be out very quick. That is exactly what I said about my Ex. We were practically inseparable and owned a business together. On top of that, when we met and were getting to know each other, I heard a whole song-and-dance about how hurt he was when he found out his parents had had affairs; it was "the one thing he was incapable of ever doing" (cheating) because he saw how much it hurt others and ripped his family apart, blah-blah-blah. Guess what? I bought the story and believed him. And the day after I broke up with him (for other reasons mostly doing to alcohol abuse), I found he had been keeping prostitutes on the side. Suffice to say I have huge trust issues now with any man and don't believe a word they say. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Sorry for your pain. I know the feeling all too well. My last two long term bf's both cheated on me and I think my current BF also cheated. All 3 men I trusted with my life My ex off 11 yrs was my best friend and I would have bet my soul he would have never cheated and well, he did. He has an affair with someone who has HIV and it lasted a yr until I found out. Then he left me for her. Imagine that! We also owned a biz together. Our relationship was not perfect, but I thought he was the most upstanding person I ever knew and his deception was overwhelming. Then the guy I was with after him was a serial cheater and again, I was clueless! I only discovered he was a douche once I snooped. When I found some of the same sick sh*t you did, he also said I was over reacting and it wasn't what it seemed. Ok so the 432 messages I found you sent to women on a singles site was what then?! My advice, take control NOW! Have him leave the house NOW! Call a therapist NOW and then figure out the next move. He will do everything in his power to convince you this is all in your head and then blame you for his actions. Like all cheaters, he's a coward! Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Yep, it is easy to be logical and rational when being an outsider. Realistically if you end things now, you are looking at few months to a year worth of pain and moving on to better things and better men. If you stay with him, you are looking at decades of misery, and huge dose of anxiety anytime his mood is a bit off. You will really NEVER be able to trust him again and it will slowly eat you up and erode your self-esteem. And still you are looking at an ending somewhere down the line and going through few months to a year worth of pain while you move on. Also while all infidelities are bad, this one looks even sleazier than the most (chatting to multiple women, making an emotional connection with one and wanting to meet for sex, delibaretly seeking out these encounters). Now that you have discovered this, he will unfortunatly only hide it better in the future. Given what you have presented in this thread, I don't beleive that there is any hope of him being genuinly sorry and never doing this again. No hope at all. This is all very true but there is no rational when one has been deceived. She needs to go through the journey on her own to understand this. They say a smart man learns from his mistakes but a wise man learns from others. I disagree since being wise only comes from going through the journey. But I agree, the time following the deception is HELL!. I mean HELL on earth! I call it the "crazies" always now having to wonder, snoop and feel "less than" Infidelity can be worked on, but it takes a lot of therapy and work from both parties to get to a place of healing. Not once a cheater always a cheater, I think people either cheat due to lack of spiritual self or because they are just evil and sick! If the person is evil and sick, there is no hope. If they are just lost, there is hope they can change Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 a good site http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Save yourself years of heartbreak and bitterness and get out now. He does not love you so make another woman's problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moonmosaic Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 Hi moonmosaic.... I just wanted to say that I am sorry this is happening to you. I can imagine the turmoil you must be in. I cannot offer advice or insight but there are loads of excellent people who have done that... and more to come, I am sure. Just wanted to show my support. I do sense you have the resolve to do that is best for you in the long run. I sense it very much. You are obviously in great pain over this but your delightful sense of humour comes through so well... a wonderful dry wit:). Hope you keep posting and wishing you the very best...((hugs)) Thank you. I do feel angry too and I am sure it shows in my replies and comments. Thank you for your support and I am glad I can vent my frustration and hurt here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moonmosaic Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 Sorry for your pain. I know the feeling all too well. My last two long term bf's both cheated on me and I think my current BF also cheated. All 3 men I trusted with my life My ex off 11 yrs was my best friend and I would have bet my soul he would have never cheated and well, he did. He has an affair with someone who has HIV and it lasted a yr until I found out. Then he left me for her. Imagine that! We also owned a biz together. Our relationship was not perfect, but I thought he was the most upstanding person I ever knew and his deception was overwhelming. Then the guy I was with after him was a serial cheater and again, I was clueless! I only discovered he was a douche once I snooped. When I found some of the same sick sh*t you did, he also said I was over reacting and it wasn't what it seemed. Ok so the 432 messages I found you sent to women on a singles site was what then?! My advice, take control NOW! Have him leave the house NOW! Call a therapist NOW and then figure out the next move. He will do everything in his power to convince you this is all in your head and then blame you for his actions. Like all cheaters, he's a coward! I think forgiving would be just making the pain go away - a temporary solution - and would solve the problem for now. That's why a lot of people choose to forgive....it is not easy to overcome heartache, and it's like a toothache, taking the painkiller to numb the pain seems easier than facing weeks of painful dental treatments. I think separation would help. I don't think i can make a healthy decision right now. I would want to have my head high and say; hey, it was nice while it lasted but now please go and let me find someone worthy. Instead I seem to be on the verge of tears every time I open my mouth about this whole thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moonmosaic Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 This is all very true but there is no rational when one has been deceived. She needs to go through the journey on her own to understand this. They say a smart man learns from his mistakes but a wise man learns from others. I disagree since being wise only comes from going through the journey. But I agree, the time following the deception is HELL!. I mean HELL on earth! I call it the "crazies" always now having to wonder, snoop and feel "less than" Infidelity can be worked on, but it takes a lot of therapy and work from both parties to get to a place of healing. Not once a cheater always a cheater, I think people either cheat due to lack of spiritual self or because they are just evil and sick! If the person is evil and sick, there is no hope. If they are just lost, there is hope they can change I think people cheat because their needs are not being met. It may not be sexual it could also be emotional. Either way one must be honest. If I wasn't meeting his needs he should have said something. It is easier to fix things before they can go wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 I think people cheat because their needs are not being met. It may not be sexual it could also be emotional. Either way one must be honest. If I wasn't meeting his needs he should have said something. It is easier to fix things before they can go wrong. true only in some cases. Some people cheat because they are just empty souls. I have a former best friend who cheated on her Bf of 19 yrs over 10 times. She would have yr long affairs and unprotected sex over and over. He never knew or found out. This was not about he needs being met, this was about her feeling entitled and her evilness. You're right, either way, the mature approach is to come clean before the cheating, but humans are faulty and we normally don't do the right thing until it's too late. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 I think forgiving would be just making the pain go away - a temporary solution - and would solve the problem for now. That's why a lot of people choose to forgive....it is not easy to overcome heartache, and it's like a toothache, taking the painkiller to numb the pain seems easier than facing weeks of painful dental treatments. I think separation would help. I don't think i can make a healthy decision right now. I would want to have my head high and say; hey, it was nice while it lasted but now please go and let me find someone worthy. Instead I seem to be on the verge of tears every time I open my mouth about this whole thing. No, you cannot make any right/healthy decisions right now, but you should see a therapist soon to get you over the next few months. Cause the ride is going to be WILD! His tears are a form of manipulation. If you cave, he will do this to you over and over again. He needs to know what he did was wrong and you need to place serious boundries. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 I would consider saving things if they were different. If he had honestly accepted the fact he was going to cheat, and felt really bad and sincerely apologetic, I would say make some effort. But the fact that he blew up in anger and threatened to call the police is extremely self centered. If this were me, my decision would have been made. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Author moonmosaic Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 a good site http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp Ok, it says here that one should never make a hasty decision when emotions are flying. So has anyone made a hasty decision that was regretted later? Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Ok, it says here that one should never make a hasty decision when emotions are flying. So has anyone made a hasty decision that was regretted later? YES I have! Never make a decision based on emotion. This is why you need some clarity before doing anything. But you should still be away from him while you work on clarity Link to post Share on other sites
Author moonmosaic Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 YES I have! Never make a decision based on emotion. This is why you need some clarity before doing anything. But you should still be away from him while you work on clarity It's going to be hard since we live together. I am not a drama person, on the contrary, I try to stay away from conflicts at all cost. Yesterday I was angry and I ended up acting on my emotions calling him all the names under the sun. I felt so ashamed to be married to such a scum bag. Today I am much calmer and decided to keep all conversations between us amicable. If I end the relationship we still have to discuss financial matters etc, there is no need to be ugly about each other. I already feel better thinking of peace rather than thinking of war. Link to post Share on other sites
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