Relationships that start via the net?

[Meaplus3]

What are your feelings on relationship's that start via the net? Do you think that people use the net for relationships because they feel more safe.. then trying for a R in their local area? Perhaps because the person is shy.. or perhaps they have something to hide and are not whom they claim to be? I wonder about this because I've heard so many horror stories about people meeting up after a net friendship/R... and well it did not go well and the person they were meeting turned out to be a real SOB. To, me it's risky and IMO has the potential to be VERY dangerous. Thoughts please?

 

Mea:)

[CarrieT]

Scary, scary, scary....

 

My last relationship was started via the 'net. In the classic story told so often, I met the person "who loved me like no one ever had or ever will." It was magic from the start. I ended a 12-year relationship to be with this man.

 

And, granted, the first year WAS magic -- all that and a bag of chips.

 

But I learned the hard way that what one creates in one's mind about the person on the other end of the computer is just that: A creation in one's mind. You can't know the subtleties of a person's characteristics or personalities -- those things which are created in a relationship that usually mean success.

 

In my case, it was after I up and moved in with this guy that I learned all the ugly things I should have learned through normal dating; that he would start every morning with vodka, that he was happy to live in filth, that he was bi-polar and manic, etc. None of those things came out through our correspondence. How could they? I had rose-coloured glasses on and wouldn't have seen it if they had been laid out on a platter.

 

Ironically, I am meeting a guy for dinner tonight that I met on the web. I can tell he is already smitten and I am mostly apathetic. I hold no hopes or expectations while he already has thoughts and feelings.

[Meaplus3]

But I learned the hard way that what one creates in one's mind about the person on the other end of the computer is just that: A creation in one's mind. You can't know the subtleties of a person's characteristics or personalities -- those things which are created in a relationship that usually mean success.

 

I've heard this a ton. and I'll agree with you.

 

 

In my case, it was after I up and moved in with this guy that I learned all the ugly things I should have learned through normal dating; that he would start every morning with vodka, that he was happy to live in filth, that he was bi-polar and manic, etc. None of those things came out through our correspondence. How could they? I had rose-coloured glasses on and wouldn't have seen it if they had been laid out on a platter.

 

 

Exactly. And I bet that's because this person had so many demons.. and why share that via the net, phone or text... because then the person would become unappealing and the R would cease.

 

So sorry Carrie it turned out negative for you.

 

Mea:)

[Malenfant]

I met my H online, but not through a dating site. it was a clubbing site where people go to find out about club nights and dance events etc.

 

they have a live chat feed on it, and thats where we met, just chatting with a bunch of randoms.

We chatted now and then and finally agreed to meet up.

Initially it was meant to be a no strings type deal, but we fell for each other and the rest is history.

 

We met up very soon after, so we didnt have alot of the stuff to do with creating an image of each other which i think is the main problem. people always sound great when they're describing themselves in their own words.

[Devil Inside]

I think the key is to make sure that eventually the relationship goes offline. I think a lot of people use dating sites or meet online because there is less vulnerability involved with initial meetings. However, when possible, I think there should be a meeting in person to make sure that the person is who they say they are.

[jerbear]

What are your feelings on relationship's that start via the net? Do you think that people use the net for relationships because they feel more safe.. then trying for a R in their local area? Perhaps because the person is shy.. or perhaps they have something to hide and are not whom they claim to be? I wonder about this because I've heard so many horror stories about people meeting up after a net friendship/R... and well it did not go well and the person they were meeting turned out to be a real SOB. To, me it's risky and IMO has the potential to be VERY dangerous. Thoughts please?

 

Mea:)

 

When I was a youngin, , I had a net relationship that progressed to net+email+phone+pager (today's texting) and occasionally met in person. There was LOTS of passion however due to circumstances, I was still in college and she is about 7 years older (out of college) things slowly just fell apart. She cheated on me with someone local while I was in college.

 

To me, net relationships are like texting only and LDR's. The physical component has to be added to keep everything connected, the overall picture. I think we get all worked up with the things in our heads that we forget about the other things that ONLY physical interactions can tell us.

[Hazyhead]

I met my AP online and the connection was fierce immediately - it grew quickly online and offline too. I love him still, but then it's still only freshly ended. I wonder if it would have ended up a similar situation to you Carrie, if we had pursued it fully (came very close). I did spend a lot of time with him offline too, but I had never been with him day-in-day-out: the time to learn all those hidden traits.

 

I agree though - that these situations can be very dangerous. The first time I met up with him in person I had constantly running through my head just prior to it 'Am I insane?'

[marlena]

Negative for me, too, Mea. To this day, I do not know who this man really is. I only know that he is not normal and that I most likely dodged a very dangerous bullet. I find him on the Net scouring for new victims all the time. Emetic!!!!!!!!!

[Meaplus3]

We met up very soon after, so we didnt have alot of the stuff to do with creating an image of each other which i think is the main problem. people always sound great when they're describing themselves in their own words.

 

Yes. I think that's the key right there. It very easy to describe yourself to someone via the net.. and then they create an image of you.. even after seeing pictures. I think this all leads to one big fantasy.. and then when the two meet IRL.. there are far to many expectations.. and a let down is sure to happen.

 

I think the key is to make sure that eventually the relationship goes offline. I think a lot of people use dating sites or meet online because there is less vulnerability involved with initial meetings. However, when possible, I think there should be a meeting in person to make sure that the person is who they say they are.

 

IMO, if it's that serious it will go off line quick and into real life. I believe that the ones that stall..just might end in disaster.

 

I met my AP online and the connection was fierce immediately - it grew quickly online and offline too. I love him still, but then it's still only freshly ended. I wonder if it would have ended up a similar situation to you Carrie, if we had pursued it fully (came very close). I did spend a lot of time with him offline too, but I had never been with him day-in-day-out: the time to learn all those hidden traits.

 

I agree though - that these situations can be very dangerous. The first time I met up with him in person I had constantly running through my head just prior to it 'Am I insane?'

 

Very dangerous.. if one is not careful. Why did your R end if you don't mind me asking?

 

Mea:)

[Meaplus3]

To me, net relationships are like texting only and LDR's. The physical component has to be added to keep everything connected, the overall picture. I think we get all worked up with the things in our heads that we forget about the other things that ONLY physical interactions can tell us.

 

I agree.

 

Negative for me, too, Mea. To this day, I do not know who this man really is. I only know that he is not normal and that I most likely dodged a very dangerous bullet. I find him on the Net scouring for new victims all the time. Emetic!!!!!!!!!

 

Sorry Marlena. I believe I dodged a bullet myself.. or perhaps an axe.

 

Far to many scarey people out there.

 

Mea:)

[Hazyhead]

It was a year long affair - I suppose a lot of the details I've posted recently on OW/OM section, but to sum up - The affair got deeper and deeper and we both admitted we wanted more. I was in a previous long term relationship that I ended (not directly because of this but because if I was doing this, and feeling this way about the MM, it was only not fair to my previous partner, but also not fair to me because I clearly wanted something else) and then MM decided that he wanted to end his marriage and be with me. I never pushed the issue because he had a little baby, but he made steps to split with his wife. Recently he decided to work on his marriage for the sake of his baby so I've backed away.

 

That's a bit waffly, apologies, but it's the simplified gist.

[Els]

Works for some people, doesn't work for many many others.

 

I've frankly found more good men on the internet (NOT through dating sites though) than in bars and nightclubs, however.

[Pyro]

Sure it can be scary. If both parties though have the passion and desire to make things work then things can last for a long time. It helps too to know the individual for a good long time before things develop into something more. While I know that its not the same as a real life encounter, phone calls, IM, and even writing letters do help you get to know the person. You have to take chances in life sometimes, some can be good and some can be not so good, but its always worth giving it a shot.

[Hazyhead]

Works for some people, doesn't work for many many others.

 

I've frankly found more good men on the internet (NOT through dating sites though) than in bars and nightclubs, however.

 

I can see how this might be the case. Maybe because we are attracted to personality traits rather than looks?

[carhill]

I met my stbx on the net. After 10 years with her, and in the midst of a divorce, I can state categorically that I'd certainly do it (use the net to meet ladies) again. There was and is nothing inherently unhealthy about the process, IMO.

 

IMO, the key is expectations. When some fairly intense LS interactions fizzled at the prospect of becoming real world, I was not disappointed nor hurt. Acceptance

[Meaplus3]

It was a year long affair - I suppose a lot of the details I've posted recently on OW/OM section, but to sum up - The affair got deeper and deeper and we both admitted we wanted more. I was in a previous long term relationship that I ended (not directly because of this but because if I was doing this, and feeling this way about the MM, it was only not fair to my previous partner, but also not fair to me because I clearly wanted something else) and then MM decided that he wanted to end his marriage and be with me. I never pushed the issue because he had a little baby, but he made steps to split with his wife. Recently he decided to work on his marriage for the sake of his baby so I've backed away.

 

That's a bit waffly, apologies, but it's the simplified gist.

 

Good that you have backed away from this Hazy.

 

Works for some people, doesn't work for many many others.

 

I've frankly found more good men on the internet (NOT through dating sites though) than in bars and nightclubs, however.

 

But how do you know if they are really good people if you have not meet them IRL.. and spent time with them?

 

IMO, the key is expectations. When some fairly intense LS interactions fizzled at the prospect of becoming real world, I was not disappointed nor hurt. Acceptance

 

Yes. Expectations mean a ton.

 

Mea:)

[alphamale]

To, me it's risky and IMO has the potential to be VERY dangerous. Thoughts please?

i think you're right meat+

[marlena]

and then when the two meet IRL.. there are far to many expectations.. and a let down is sure to happen.

 

In my case, Mea, he met all my expectations far more than I expected. Appearance, intelligence, sexiness, interests etc... the chemistry was perfect. Then, about a month later, the monster reared his ugly head. I shudder whenever I even think about what ensued.

 

In all fairness though I did meet some nice men on the Net but for the most part, they were either weirdos or grossly misrepresenting themselves. Many were married and out for a casual fling which is OK by me as long as you are upfront with it. It's the lying that's so irksome.

[marlena]

Sorry Marlena. I believe I dodged a bullet myself.. or perhaps an axe.

 

Far to many scarey people out there.

 

 

Yeah, I might have dodged an axe as well. Or a chain saw!! Yikes!! Like you say, way too many nutjobs out there. They way outnumber the nice and normal people out there.

[Citizen Erased]

I met my stbx on the net. After 10 years with her, and in the midst of a divorce, I can state categorically that I'd certainly do it (use the net to meet ladies) again. There was and is nothing inherently unhealthy about the process, IMO.

IMO, the key is expectations. When some fairly intense LS interactions fizzled at the prospect of becoming real world, I was not disappointed nor hurt. Acceptance

Oh without a doubt, acceptance is the key. In the end, letting things go is for the best or else you become bitter and jealous and snarky of other people's happiness and well, who could really be that happy when like that?

 

I'm currently very much involved with someone I met on here, that I have known for years. Despite the attempts of someone to persuade me otherwise he has shown himself to be genuine by the actions he has taken, even in his RL which I can quite easily see via the wonders of facebook to prove I have nothing to worry about. Not that I doubted him for a moment. And vice versa, of course. It's not at all possible to maintain a relationship via only online interactions, chemistry may be different, that's blatantly obvious. But then some don't pick up on obvious things and like to fill in the blanks when their simple little minds aren't capable of comprehending much. My point being that is the exact reason my plane ticket has already been booked, not much point in dragging it out.

 

There are risks even IRL of being with someone and they turn out to be an alcoholic, immoral, not what you always thought they were etc etc. If you don't take risks how are you supposed to know you did all you could to be happy? I for one am more than happy to do so, despite the risks. Some people are worth it. Others you will find are not and you become more than happy to move on to something less pointless and dull.

[Hazyhead]

Don't you think though that the danger can happen in reality as well as online? You can meet dodgy characters anywhere that might be adept at hiding their true nature when necessary. I think a lot of the danger comes from secrecy - going to meet someone that nobody knows about. Always tell someone close to you where you're going and who with.

[marlena]

I for one am more than happy to do so, despite the risks.

 

I, personally, am rooting for the both of you!

[Meaplus3]

In my case, Mea, he met all my expectations far more than I expected. Appearance, intelligence, sexiness, interests etc... the chemistry was perfect. Then, about a month later, the monster reared his ugly head. I shudder whenever I even think about what ensued.

 

In all fairness though I did meet some nice men on the Net but for the most part, they were either weirdos or grossly misrepresenting themselves. Many were married and out for a casual fling which is OK by me as long as you are upfront with it. It's the lying that's so irksome.

 

See that's just it. Now in your case he meet your expectations.. so he had to be somewhat truthful.. but it looks like he had some skeltons in his closet that came out after you were spending time with him IRL.. I have a strong feeling this happens more often than not.

 

And yes, many do grossly misrepresent themsleves. A friend of mine ended up meeting a guy she meet online. They meet up after about a month of chatting.. so it was quick. He was just like she pictured.. and had a great personality. But, it turned out he was a big time drunk. The guy carried a bottle of booze with him every where.. very sad. She felt lucky that she found out quickly.

 

Mea:)

[marlena]

Don't you think though that the danger can happen in reality as well as online? You can meet dodgy characters anywhere that might be adept at hiding their true nature when necessary.

 

Yes, of course, you can but the Net seems to attract more of these shady. suspicious types. In fact, it is the perfect breeding ground for them.

[Citizen Erased]

I, personally, am rooting for the both of you!

Thank you very much marlena. I doubt many would attempt to persuade us to not at the very least try.