Relationships that start via the net?

[Stockalone]

I remember you mentioning this a bit when posting on one of my vanishing guy threads.. I'm sorry it did not work out.

 

Thanks. The online aspect of our friendship certainly played a role in the demise of the friendship. BUT, without the internet, we wouldn't have met at all.

 

There are risks involved with meeting someone online. But if you look at other people's relationships where it worked, for them it was well worth it to take that risk.

 

The internet is a tool, in that it can create opportunities. Mastering the intricacies of life is up to the people involved. I didn't do a good job at that.

 

I am sad that the friendship didn't make it and I very much regret that her feelings got hurt. Developing a crush on her certainly didn't help and I also did other things that were detrimental to the friendship. I have to live with that and I bear my fair share of burden for what happened.

 

 

Ok.

 

 

 

Yes.. your right! Now as for the vanishing guy I was involved with.. I'm long over that. It took sometime, but I healed.

 

It's good to see that you got over it.

[threebyfate]

Use agencies who do intensive background checks. As for testing pictorially, ensure that the pictures haven't been chopped or stolen through the review of EXIF data. While review of EXIF data isn't conclusive, since some people store their pics in raw form and then, move to other formats when necessary, since certain change in formats can strip EXIF data, if you request specific pics and can spot photoshopping, you'll be fine.

 

Of course there's webcam too but for someone like myself, I find it creepy as hell and won't use it. Strange things happen via webcam.

 

And that's as far as I'm willing to explain. The rest, you'll have to figure out yourselves.

[Stockalone]

Use agencies who do intensive background checks.

 

That's a bit extensive. But it's probably a good idea in some cases. Dirk Nowitzki comes to mind.

 

I am also not sure that could be done in my country that easily. I guess it's legal but I have no idea who'd do such things.

 

 

As for testing pictorially, ensure that the pictures haven't been chopped or stolen through the review of EXIF data. While review of EXIF data isn't conclusive, since some people store their pics in raw form and then, move to other formats when necessary, since certain change in formats can strip EXIF data, if you request specific pics and can spot photoshopping, you'll be fine.

 

I am not sure what metadata can tell you. Anyway, I just looked at a picture I had taken recently and it says that it was taken in 2004.

 

But I found the problem, when I change the batteries on that thing, it resets, hence the wrong date.

 

 

Of course there's webcam too but for someone like myself, I find it creepy as hell and won't use it. Strange things happen via webcam.

 

And that's as far as I'm willing to explain. The rest, you'll have to figure out yourselves.

 

I don't even have a webcam.

 

Thanks for sharing though. I thought you might know of some magical search engine.

 

Just for the heck of it, I had tried to search myself online and only found one entry that belonged to me.

[threebyfate]

That's a bit extensive. But it's probably a good idea in some cases. Dirk Nowitzki comes to mind.

Even for real life dating, I've done some extensive background checking, including using agencies. With my H., even though at the time, my friend was his neighbor and knew him somewhat, I still asked my Dad to do some research on him. It turned out that his father and mine knew each other, albeit not well and both father and son, had good reputations within their fields of expertise. And people that Dad knew, knew both of them personally.

 

I know this is considered too much by most people but to me, it's worth it. Just another risk averse aspect of my personality and just one of many reasons why I've never used any online dating services.

 

I am also not sure that could be done in my country that easily. I guess it's legal but I have no idea who'd do such things.

I don't know anything about the laws in your country so won't hazard a guess.

I am not sure what metadata can tell you. Anyway, I just looked at a picture I had taken recently and it says that it was taken in 2004.

 

But I found the problem, when I change the batteries on that thing, it resets, hence the wrong date.

Date is less meaningful than the data itself, unless you're concerned about old pictures.

I don't even have a webcam.

 

Thanks for sharing though. I thought you might know of some magical search engine.

 

Just for the heck of it, I had tried to search myself online and only found one entry that belonged to me.

Nope, no magical search engine, although google can be your friend!

[Stockalone]

Even for real life dating, I've done some extensive background checking, including using agencies. With my H., even though at the time, my friend was his neighbor and knew him somewhat, I still asked my Dad to do some research on him. It turned out that his father and mine knew each other, albeit not well and both father and son, had good reputations within their fields of expertise. And people that Dad knew, knew both of them personally.

 

Depending on circumstances, that is perfectly understandable.

 

 

I know this is considered too much by most people but to me, it's worth it. Just another risk averse aspect of my personality and just one of many reasons why I've never used any online dating services.

 

True, if you're dealing with a person from a different state, different field of work of even someone from a different country/continent, it's going to be difficult to do.

 

 

I don't know anything about the laws in your country so won't hazard a guess.

 

All the women I had an interest in were still in college. There wouldn't have been much need for background checks. And I don't think there would have been much information either.

 

Legal or not, I don't have a pressing need for it anyway. I was just curious about the whole thing and how it might work.

 

 

Date is less meaningful than the data itself, unless you're concerned about old pictures.

 

Not really, it's just the one thing that stood out when I looked at EXIF data of the picture I had taken.

 

 

Nope, no magical search engine, although google can be your friend!

 

According to google, I don't exist. I think that is a good thing.

[Meaplus3]

TBF and Stock, I see what your both saying here.. but I guess my big question is how do you even know that your conducting a background check on the right person? It does not take much to give a fake names or photos. The online person could be very crafty. That's why I'm not so sure this meathod is full proof. To me, the whole thing is still rather dangerous. And YES I do KNOW it can easily happen with someone you meet IRL in your hometown. But, IMO the odds are greater when it's someone you have NO clue about from a far. Just a thought.

 

Mea:)

[sunshinegirl]

I never had a ton of luck online (of my six significant relationships, only one came from an online intro), though I never had nightmare experiences either.

 

That being said, two close friends met their husbands on match and eHarmony; I attended their weddings in 2007 and 2009.

 

As far as the background check thing goes, I do agree on doing whatever research you can ahead of time - within reason. (I have never spent money on an investigative background check - google usually turned up info that confirmed the dude's identity.) I usually also let a friend know where I was going, and I always met a new guy in a busy public place where it would be easy to get away if need be. I almost never let a guy drive or accompany me home on a first date because he would then have my address. It's just about being smart and self-protective until you know you can trust a person.

[Stockalone]

Mea, I am not trying to convince you that meeting someone online is risk free or that it is the same thing as meeting someone in real life. Because it isn't the same thing and there are risks.

 

All I am saying is that people should not condemn it right away. People should think about the risks, but also about what they can gain from using the net to make friends or when looking for a relationships. Also, if there is also a geographical distance involved, people need to think about if they can handle that, if that is something they would want to try.

 

And TBF said that she herself hasn't done online dating because of some of the very reasons we talked about in this thread.

 

If you feel it's too dangerous, then you don't have to do it. I haven't tried online dating either. And I also think it's easier (less risky) for a man to meet someone online, I don't have to worry about things like being raped. I have already mentioned some things that IMO can help to make it as safe as possible for the woman.

 

And there are more things that can be done. I do think you can make it nearly as safe as meeting someone in your hometown. However, many people are hardly worried about their safety at all. Having a ONS isn't safe at all and yet plenty of people have ONS.

 

In my case, meeting my friend online was a coincidence, I wouldn't have imagined that in my wildest dreams. That said, I have no desire to repeat the experience. I have learned things about myself, for example that I am ill-equipped to be friends with a woman and that I also have problems with the way a net-friendship needs to be approached mentally (how to avoid filling in the blanks with an idealized version of the other person, romantic vs. platonic interest, how to trust, how to handle the problems/misunderstandings that will arise if you only write or talk to each other without seeing body-language, etc.). I need to stay away from it in the future.

 

 

What if the other person is a fake? That is a good question and a legitimate concern.

 

If you have pictures and are worried about their authenticity, you could request more pictures, access to facebook or similar sites (if the person has an account like that). Or you could use a webcam. Sometimes, the company you work for has pictures of it's employees online, along with a CV. Those are things you could use to verify someone's identity.

 

Since I have neither, I volunteered a scan of my passport. Granted, that could probably be faked too, but it can be a start.

 

My friend turned out to be the women I knew from the picture she sent me, except she looked even better in person. I don't know if she gave me her real name, but I don't think she lied about that.

 

TBF would have to answer the background check question. And maybe she will volunteer some additional info about the EXIF data and how we can use that to spot stolen/fake pictures.

Edited January 13, 2010 by Stockalone

[Citizen Erased]

TBF and Stock, I see what your both saying here.. but I guess my big question is how do you even know that your conducting a background check on the right person? It does not take much to give a fake names or photos. The online person could be very crafty. That's why I'm not so sure this meathod is full proof. To me, the whole thing is still rather dangerous. And YES I do KNOW it can easily happen with someone you meet IRL in your hometown. But, IMO the odds are greater when it's someone you have NO clue about from a far. Just a thought.

 

Mea:)

 

This is why Skype is a handy tool.

[Payden]

I am not sure what metadata can tell you.

 

I watched this on a movie called "Beyond A Reasonable Doubt" They compared Meta Data of a picture and included that the District attorney indeed added a cigarette in a picture that never originally had that cigarette at the crime scene.

 

That movie was awesome BTW:cool:

[Meaplus3]

Mea, I am not trying to convince you that meeting someone online is risk free or that it is the same thing as meeting someone in real life. Because it isn't the same thing and there are risks.

 

 

Oh I know your not Stock. I appreciate your thoughts and feedback.

 

 

All I am saying is that people should not condemn it right away. People should think about the risks, but also about what they can gain from using the net to make friends or when looking for a relationships. Also, if there is also a geographical distance involved, people need to think about if they can handle that, if that is something they would want to try.[/QUOTE]

 

I agree. And from the exp I had almost 2 years ago, The guy did not more than to try and convince me we could work that out.. it was all a line of BS. Fact of the matter, I did not really know whom I was dealing with. And I had even done the webcam thing in this case.

 

 

 

And TBF said that she herself hasn't done online dating because of some of the very reasons we talked about in this thread.

 

 

She's smart.

 

If you feel it's too dangerous, then you don't have to do it. I haven't tried online dating either. And I also think it's easier (less risky) for a man to meet someone online, I don't have to worry about things like being raped. I have already mentioned some things that IMO can help to make it as safe as possible for the woman.

 

Exactly.

 

 

In my case, meeting my friend online was a coincidence, I wouldn't have imagined that in my wildest dreams. That said, I have no desire to repeat the experience. I have learned things about myself, for example that I am ill-equipped to be friends with a woman and that I also have problems with the way a net-friendship needs to be approached mentally (how to avoid filling in the blanks with an idealized version of the other person, romantic vs. platonic interest, how to trust, how to handle the problems/misunderstandings that will arise if you only write or talk to each other without seeing body-language, etc.). I need to stay away from it in the future.

 

I think that the idealized version of a person via the net is an easy image to create.

 

 

 

 

What if the other person is a fake? That is a good question and a legitimate concern.

 

 

Well, Even talking via webcam IMO does not tell you all that much. The person could very well put on a big act. It's not until you see this person.. and how they live on a daily basis until you can gather the whole picture.. and make a choice as to if this is someone who was beign true. I mean after all the person could end up as wonderful as you expect or on the flip side, be a womanizer, or manizer (if that's a word) have a drinking, or drug problem, have money issues.. or be just a plain old jerk.

 

If you have pictures and are worried about their authenticity, you could request more pictures, access to facebook or similar sites (if the person has an account like that). Or you could use a webcam. Sometimes, the company you work for has pictures of it's employees online, along with a CV. Those are things you could use to verify someone's identity.

 

I disagree about the pictures. ANYONE can post pictures of ANYONE. You don't have anyway of knowing that it's the real person your talking with unless you see them via webcam.. but then still you don't know anything about how they live thier life.

 

Mea:)

[Stockalone]

Oh I know your not Stock. I appreciate your thoughts and feedback.

 

You're welcome.

 

 

I agree. And from the exp I had almost 2 years ago, The guy did not more than to try and convince me we could work that out.. it was all a line of BS. Fact of the matter, I did not really know whom I was dealing with. And I had even done the webcam thing in this case.

 

I agree with you. If people start thinking about a relationship, you have to make things happen, words alone aren't good enough then.

 

Things have to be upgraded (sorry, I couldn't think of a better phrasing) to real life meetings as soon as possible. Pictures, talking on the phone/webcam, etc. only go so far.

 

That said, it is also important that both parties feel comfortable. Rushing things can be wrong too. It depends on the people involved, every friendship/relationship is unique.

 

For example, I had been talking to my friend for nearly a year before we exchanged pictures. There simply wasn't a need to know what the other looked like prior to that. A friend is a friend, who cares what the friend looks like. But I have to admit that I was curious.

 

But only when she had a few doubts/questions did I send her my picture because the questions/doubts were related to that.

 

 

I think that the idealized version of a person via the net is an easy image to create.

 

Most of the time, you know nothing but the other person's thoughts. That can't give you a complete picture of who they are.

 

I used to describe it as a mosaic/puzzle. What you have seen are a few pieces and based on that limited information, most people try to guess how the mosaic/puzzle will look like once it is completed.

 

Sometimes, it's hard to live up to those (sometimes lofty) expectations. Likewise, it's not fair to expect the other person to be like you have envisioned them. Just like "normal" relationships, it can only work if two people work together.

 

 

Well, Even talking via webcam IMO does not tell you all that much. The person could very well put on a big act. It's not until you see this person.. and how they live on a daily basis until you can gather the whole picture.. and make a choice as to if this is someone who was beign true. I mean after all the person could end up as wonderful as you expect or on the flip side, be a womanizer, or manizer (if that's a word) have a drinking, or drug problem, have money issues.. or be just a plain old jerk.

 

That is why there is no substitute to getting to know each other in real life. And people should do that as soon as possible when they decide that there friendship/relationship has romantic potential.

 

The webcam thing does help IMO. At least you know what the other person looks like and can verify that the webcam person matches the pictures you have seen. You can be sure that it's not someone of your own gender or a horny teenager pretending to be someone else.

 

Where it doesn't help, is that you still can't verify if the things you have been told are true.

 

 

I disagree about the pictures. ANYONE can post pictures of ANYONE. You don't have anyway of knowing that it's the real person your talking with unless you see them via webcam.. but then still you don't know anything about how they live thier life.

 

Granted, it's not fool proof. But that is because it can't be, and it never will.

[Meaplus3]

 

The webcam thing does help IMO. At least you know what the other person looks like and can verify that the webcam person matches the pictures you have seen. You can be sure that it's not someone of your own gender or a horny teenager pretending to be someone else.

 

Where it doesn't help, is that you still can't verify if the things you have been told are true.

 

I was just thinking of something. Suppose the person you have on webcam is not even the same person you had been chatting with. Like it could be a friend of the friend or even a relative..now that would be something right?

 

 

 

Granted, it's not fool proof. But that is because it can't be, and it never will.

 

True and not a whole lot in life is.

 

Mea:)

[Stockalone]

I was just thinking of something. Suppose the person you have on webcam is not even the same person you had been chatting with. Like it could be a friend of the friend or even a relative..now that would be something right?

 

 

"The Truth About Cats & Dogs"

 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117979/

 

 

"Cyrano de Bergerac"

 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099334/

[Meaplus3]

"The Truth About Cats & Dogs"

 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117979/

 

 

"Cyrano de Bergerac"

 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099334/

 

 

Too funny. I'll have to rent those movies. Thanks again for all your insight. You should write a book about this subject.. not kidding.

 

Mea:)