Married, Separated or Divorced?

[D-Lish]

I include the latter as a sign of what I'd look for in a woman going through the process. If I was hearing a calm recitation of events, that would encourage me; if she was calling her stbx names and cussing her lawyer and the 'stupid legal system', I'd be more inclined to pick up the check and never contact her again. Women obviously have their own criteria, which is why I'm here

 

Oh well, you are really close then!

That's the problem with checking off that one specific box- people will make a judgement based on that. Like others said "separated" encompasses a whole spectrum of stages. It just always conjurs up images of "possible reconciliation, unresolved issues, not ready for anything serious" etc, for me.

 

I don't know, after reading your thread I am less inclined to make the judgement. I think I'd still be leery, but perhaps it's worth at least exploring what the details are?

 

Are you in fact ready for something long term if you meet a good woman?

[carhill]

Are you in fact ready for something long term if you meet a good woman?

TBH, when I spend significant time on LS, I doubt I am but, when I spend a significant amount of time away, like over the recent holiday period, my perspective changes and I feel a lot more positive. Sometimes analyzing and thinking too much about relationship issues and psychology is a negative and/or unhealthy thing, or so I've found for myself.

 

IMO, the only true way to know is to try and be open to and accept the results. I think the perspectives shared here will augment that process in a positive way; now it's time for me to take responsibility.

[D-Lish]

TBH, when I spend significant time on LS, I doubt I am but, when I spend a significant amount of time away, like over the recent holiday period, my perspective changes and I feel a lot more positive.

 

AHA! So, in other words you are sort of supporting the notion that a separated man may still feel conflicted!

 

Just teasing- sort of;)

[carhill]

Conflicted? Absolutely. I think uncertainty and ambivalence are part of the healing process. I think it's in evidence in the title of the thread and the content of my OP. Accepting those real parts of psychological change and healing, for myself, are key to moving beyond that state.

 

For myself, a key indicator will be, when encountering negative behaviors reminiscent of those encountered in my M, my emotional reaction to them. If the emotions are strong and out of proportion to the reality and investment, then I will know I'm not 'ready' and still have unhealthy emotional investment in the past. If appropriate to time and place and circumstance, then I would feel more positive about moving forward.

 

This is an issue I've noted with some women over the years. It's like they get to a certain point of intimacy, then seemingly incidental words or actions throw them against a brick wall of emotion. Those are the triggers and emotions I'm watching for in myself.