lostboyuk Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Hope you're all well. So tomorrow she's coming round as I asked her to so we could talk about next steps (belongings, etc). My plan was to 'get it all out' (we still haven't talked since she left me a week ago for 2nd time in 4 months), be strong and tell her I have to move on and to not contact me again (NC). I apologise to those who have given me advice, both ways, i.e. NC or just do what I feel is right, but I'm still at a complete loss. I've tried to stop thinking about it as it's crippling me but I simply can't. I know that NC will help ME, she came home last night when she thought I wasn't there because she felt horrible where she was and missed home, she was in such a mess it was heartbreaking. But I also know that although she's said she doesn't feel the same anymore and we aren't meant to be together I found she took her favourite tshirt of mine when I was away over NY. I gave her a hug last night and she just melted into me too. I'm positive now that much of her issues with our relationship are down to her own emotional chains (see previous days threads!). I simply do not know what to do tomorrow..... I want to tell her how much what and how she has done this has hurt me - again! But this will make her feel more guilt and push her away. I want her to look at herself just as I have done recently and improve for the better - not change herself, just improve for herself so she can enjoy life more. But I fear she'll think I'm controlling. I want her to remember what we had was good and not just focus on the negatives. But she refuses to see this although she has only recently told me how happy she was we got back together among many many other lovely things she's said and done. I want to tell her I'll be there for her. But I don't know if I can (it hurts so much). Can anybody relate to this crippling mind and heart tangle? I'm sure if she could open up and talk, admit and accept support or just simply relax we could be everything each one of us on here long for. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Not sure if this is the same thread as I read last night, but is she the cutter? Link to post Share on other sites
gaudi Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Whatever happens mate I want to wish you the best of luck. We can't control how other people feel, God alone knows we have difficulty controlling how we feel ourselves. I love my EX with all my heart, but she doesn't love me. I keep thinking of way's I can change that, guess what ?? I can't. Today has been a killer for me, don't know why, but it's been my worst so far since breaking all contact a few weeks ago. I hope tomorrow will be a better day, for me and for you...........good luck my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboyuk Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 Not sure if this is the same thread as I read last night, but is she the cutter? Different thread - new dilema! She used to scratch herself when she had a problem she couldn't cope with, nothing serious and doesnt do it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboyuk Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 Whatever happens mate I want to wish you the best of luck. We can't control how other people feel, God alone knows we have difficulty controlling how we feel ourselves. I love my EX with all my heart, but she doesn't love me. I keep thinking of way's I can change that, guess what ?? I can't. Today has been a killer for me, don't know why, but it's been my worst so far since breaking all contact a few weeks ago. I hope tomorrow will be a better day, for me and for you...........good luck my friend. gaudi, awww man, you seemed to be doing so well! You're not meant to be in my threads telling me you're struggling man! Listen same to you mate, you know where I am (right here feeling sorry for myself and everyone else on here)! Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Different thread - new dilema! She used to scratch herself when she had a problem she couldn't cope with, nothing serious and doesnt do it anymore. Well cutting stems from deep emotion issues that just don't go away. from what I read last night, she is a confused soul. Have you every read up on what codependecy is? You said last night you know her better than anyone and you helped her through her tough spots and now can't see her this sad. That is classic codependency If she was a cutter, she will always struggle with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboyuk Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 Well cutting stems from deep emotion issues that just don't go away. from what I read last night, she is a confused soul. Have you every read up on what codependecy is? You said last night you know her better than anyone and you helped her through her tough spots and now can't see her this sad. That is classic codependency If she was a cutter, she will always struggle with this. RedDevil. I've just read up breifly on this and I am completely speechless, I do not know what to say. My GF displays at least 95% of all the patterns/characteristics. I also see I have displayed classic patterns of the caregiver culminating in caring behaviour (as well as being a nice guy of course). Really I don't know what to say or do to this revelation. I knew she may/did have problems (sorry can't think fo a better word) but I didn't ever think for a minute it would be something like this. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 read this site http://www.the-intuitive-self.org/scripts/frameit/author.cgi?/website/author/memoir/supplements/codependent_character.html Also, the best book on this is called Codependency No More. I'm in Al Anon working on my issues with my BF who's in recovery so I know this road VERY well! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboyuk Posted January 3, 2010 Author Share Posted January 3, 2010 UNBELIEVABLE!!! So she's supposed to come round today, see above. She texted an hour ago asking if it's ok to come tomorrow instead as she's wiped out with a cold!!! Hangover more like!!! Just when I thought I was getting my head straighter and understanding the possible causes of all this, another curveball. I'm quite sure it isn't a cold, she said lunchtime was a bit early for her to come round when I spoke to her the other day!!! I haven't replied, feel like getting angry but not sure where that's gonna get anyone anywhere. How much more patient can I be for the woman I love? Felt a bit better yesterday, completely lost again now. Please can someone make this go away, no more please Link to post Share on other sites
Heartbrokenandinlove Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 Hi Lostboy Im in a similar situation. My ex came round yesterday and was a mess. Its so difficult to see them like that. I too wanted to suggest she just sit down for a few hours and think about things instead of going out every night and sleeping on sofas - I did hint at it but could see she didnt want to her it so I steped away. I basically told her I love her and I will for a few months and want to do whats best for both of us. I said I would always be here if she needs me and understand the reasons for the break up. I wanted to show her I was strong and considerate at the same time without breaking down and begging her to come back. Try to show her you understand the reasons you broke up and be polite and caring - Its difficult because you may feel anger too but being a positive strong person will result in two things: her realising shes made a mistake or you proving to yourself your above it which will help you move on eventually. We can all fly off the handle and be mad at someone but in the end it gets us nowhere. If anything you can prove to yourself that you are the better person and it will help you heal. Good luck - I hope you can stay strong!! Just know that your not alone!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboyuk Posted January 3, 2010 Author Share Posted January 3, 2010 thanks Heartbrokenandinlove you have some serious strength going on there, don't know how you can do that! I wasn't angry but just a bit today, it was about me taking control of the situation for me whether I ended up going NC or supporting her remained to be seen today. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a cold so makes me a bit cross she's lying as well as the other stuff she's done but as I say above I think she has big issues with emotions so it's tough to stay angry for long! Did you think about NC? If so what made you change your mind and support her? Link to post Share on other sites
Heartbrokenandinlove Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 The strength is more of a front to help me cope! I have definatly thought about NC - and have read lots of posts on here for and against it. For me its not an option right now. Obviously we still live together until we can reach a decision so it wouldnt work for me. But also, I know how her head works and I can see shes a mess - almost like she's searching for something right now. I care about her and I want to support her because of this emotional bond that she only has with me. For me its a last chance attempt to show her that I am the strong independant person she fell in love with. I think after a month or so of doing this I will probably start NC if things don't change but for now its how I personally feel best to deal with it. It sounds really complicated I know. I want to re-kindle the spark through being positive and I believe if I initiate NC it is showing her a sign of weakness (which I cant show her right now). Even if nothing romantic comes of it im sure it will mean I will become stronger to be able to deal with moving on. I hope that makes sense! Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 oh dear. poor you. After all that working yourself up too. Damn. dunno what to say..........bummer. nob x Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboyuk Posted January 3, 2010 Author Share Posted January 3, 2010 Afternoon nob! Sleep well?! I'm with heartbroken on this now. Whenever she does decide to come round that's what I'm gonna do! Here's my toolbox that I may or may not use depending on how it goes: - I have to understand what's been going on - we need to talk about her guilt which has played a massive part in this, think she blames the was she feels (torn or pressured by me) on our relationship but it's actually her creating it. - if she gets nasty I'm having a go back, she doesn't believe she's done anything wrong, but OMG has she done stuff wrong. - if i feel it's right I'm gonna raise the codependency stuff above. - if she's completely done my head in I'll take her key and show her the door -NC. - get on with my f&@king life!!! Simples? Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 simples! i did sleep well........thank you! She sounds right royaly screwed up. The minute you take control she takes it back! doh i would be a tad cross to love xx Link to post Share on other sites
Heartbrokenandinlove Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 Lostboy! I see what your saying - and everyone can give advice but its what you feel is right in the end - every relationship and break up is different so just do what you think is the right thing to do - you know her and yourself better than we do right? My ex gave me loads of reasons (as well as breadcrumbs) She too feels guilty - she doesnt think she can be everything i need her to be - maybe this is my fault - and I did apologise for everything I did wrong but I only apologised once - im not begging anymore. If your drumper is feeling guilty about the break up - maybe they feel like they've ruined your life? then if you back that up by being a mess - kicking off or just being desperate then thats only going to fuel this feeling. Instead I told her how well I was doing, how much I am appreiating the space - and how good it is to catch up with old PROPER friends. I did this without hinting that it will NEVER happen again - I made her realise that I WANT to be a stronger person out of this situation and that I do understand her reasons and more importantly I understand her - and told her that im concerned about her. I didnt do anything too heavy - I can see that she needs space from everything not just me. I got up yesterday morning and forced myself to clean the house, do my laundry, make myself look decent and I put on a happy front. This shocked her - she was almost expecting a broken down mess. By doing this she could see that whatever happened in the relationship (basically I feel like i smothered her a bit by wanting to be around her all the time) that I was this strong person again...this is why I explained that I agreed she had done the right thing. I believe she has - we have both has time to improve (not change) ourselves for the better - we;'ve caught up with friends and done our own thing for a bit. Now I want to support her -and genuinly be there for her because I care and I want us to be able to get back together as stronger people. My toolbox: 1) Dont have any Emotional Contact - save that for your mates 2) Dont show her that you depend soley on her to survive - this is too much pressue 3) Dont get angry at her - even if you think shes acting wrong - just show her that your concerned and that you dont blame her for everything 4) Dont be a push over - obviously dont get angry and bite back but explain that there are some things that has annoyed you - do it in a sensible way - dont push her away but show her your not a doormat 5) Dont contact her all the time just to see how she is - let her have her breathing space - if she wants to contact you she will, and you can contact her when you need to. 6) Dont keep her updated with everything your doing - just go about your day with your head held high - she doesnt need to know everything - your not in a relationship anymore 7) Do keep it cool when your around her - make sure you smile and stay positive no matter how **** you feel inside. If you do need to break down go phone a good friend or leave the situation (but do it properly) Thats the rules im trying to live by at the moment. Hope this helps??? Keep your head up - your in control now!!! Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 very good advice indeedx Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboyuk Posted January 3, 2010 Author Share Posted January 3, 2010 The boy's a genius! Not sure I could hold it together in front of her completely though! Did surprise myself a little when I saw her Friday though. While I'm on a roll, any thoughts on the stuff earlier in this thread on codependency? I'm convinced thus is the underlying problem for us but how do you tell someone you think they may need support? She'll never work this out herself. Just want to help her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboyuk Posted January 3, 2010 Author Share Posted January 3, 2010 Oh, one more thing? I haven't replied to her text about not coming today but tomorrow instead. Should I say something so she doesn't get stressed? Because she will. Was also thinking that she'll have a friend to cry on tomorrow after I take her key back (someone to cry on) but she won't on wed/thurs, should I tell her I'll see her then instead? What you guys reckon? Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 no idea about the co depenancy thing soz. I probably would rely and say its inconvenient maybe later in the week. But thats me. nobx Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 She sure does play a lot of games. She seems very needy, immature and attention seeking. She's putting you through the wringer but a few tears, crying into your t-shirt, is just an act. Not an action. You sure have read up on these forums, giving advice, listening to advice, having a plan in action and what have you come up with exactly, if you can put it in one sentence? Does she admit that there is something wrong with her mental/emotional state? Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 Oh, one more thing? I haven't replied to her text about not coming today but tomorrow instead. Should I say something so she doesn't get stressed? Because she will. Was also thinking that she'll have a friend to cry on tomorrow after I take her key back (someone to cry on) but she won't on wed/thurs, should I tell her I'll see her then instead? What you guys reckon? why do you care if she is getting stressed? do you think she thought about the impact on you before she sent that text? Respond telling her that she can come whichever day works best for YOU. You reserved today for this meeting - and she blew that - and now you are left to stew. STOP thinking about what will work for her and start thinking what will work for YOU. Personally I still wishyou would tell her to come when you are not there, and just give up on this whole talk you are planning. I know you think you'll undertand after you talk, but I'm willing to bet you won't. I may be wrong, but that's my belief. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboyuk Posted January 3, 2010 Author Share Posted January 3, 2010 Guys, I know exactly what you mean but am more convinced than ever that I'm right about her. I'm feeling much better about all this, I've not been searching for something to make me better (I've thought alot about whether I've been kidding myself). Couple of things I haven't told you yet..... Her dad died 10 years back after MND, she had a little counselling I beleive back then but nothing major. We have talked in the passed about this and she does feel she did something at the time she never got over. She struggles with self-esteem immensly, not always looks and weight but something much deeper. We went to relationship counselling a year ago, 3 seesions and the counseller said something that was like a switch inside her and changed everything (for a while). She was meant to go to the next session alone as I think the counsellor saw something that I'de seen but she never went back or booked another. I know I could have sorted it but hey! Yes she has in the past acknoweldged she struggles emotionally and can be immature for 29 but I suppose we all deny we have problems sometimes. She meets at least 95% of the profile for a codependent. Taking my tshirt may be an act, but it's an act that she took, I didn't give it her, she doesn't know I know. If I beleive she has real issues, how can I push back? It's not all about getting her back, I do not want her to go through what she goes through sometimes, just for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboyuk Posted January 3, 2010 Author Share Posted January 3, 2010 She sure does play a lot of games. She seems very needy, immature and attention seeking. She's putting you through the wringer but a few tears, crying into your t-shirt, is just an act. Not an action. You sure have read up on these forums, giving advice, listening to advice, having a plan in action and what have you come up with exactly, if you can put it in one sentence? Does she admit that there is something wrong with her mental/emotional state? Hopes, I know what you're saying and I'm reading my posts back to myself and know what I sound like! In fact I think I can sum it up in one word UNDERSTANDING I've been all over the place because none of this has made any sense to me whatsoever for the last 4 months! But now I feel that the worries and concerns and all the support I've given over the years despite the fact I hurt was for a reason other than me holding onto something I thought I liked but she didn't. If she doesn't come back to me and won't accept she has a problem emotionally, I at least can move on knowing I'm a decent person who gave everything to the woman I loved and adored? Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 sounds liike a good plan to me. I still would ask her to come another day.Not on her terms. nob Link to post Share on other sites
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