Day 6 - Big day tomorrow!!!

[curiousnycgirl]

You ignore her. You kept saying you needed to have last night, and then you would go NC.

 

Now is the time for YOU to heal. It is all about YOU, except when your kids are around.

 

Have I made my thoughts clear? YOU, YOU, YOU and YOU!!!!

 

I promise it does help. I cannot guarantee I won't backslide at all - but at the moment I'm actually beginning to feel better and have some hope for the future. I needed the me time to wallow, etc. I'm not running out to meet someone new, and I know if NC is broken I'll be a mess, but at this exact moment, I actually feel a little hopeful.

 

YOUR turn!

[lostboyuk]

You ignore her. You kept saying you needed to have last night, and then you would go NC.

 

Now is the time for YOU to heal. It is all about YOU, except when your kids are around.

 

Have I made my thoughts clear? YOU, YOU, YOU and YOU!!!!

 

I promise it does help. I cannot guarantee I won't backslide at all - but at the moment I'm actually beginning to feel better and have some hope for the future. I needed the me time to wallow, etc. I'm not running out to meet someone new, and I know if NC is broken I'll be a mess, but at this exact moment, I actually feel a little hopeful.

 

YOUR turn!

 

ok I haven't replied, just being cold isn't me at all.

 

My first thought was of course that some of the meaningful stuff I said last night may have sunk in and/or the music had trigerred something.

 

You see my problem is that I know ignoring her will push her further away as

[curiousnycgirl]

ok I haven't replied, just being cold isn't me at all.

 

My first thought was of course that some of the meaningful stuff I said last night may have sunk in and/or the music had trigerred something.

 

You see my problem is that I know ignoring her will push her further away as

 

Unles she pulls a CREDIBLE 180 here, meaning she suddenly realizes that your kids are a blessing and dealing with your XW is a nit, then further away is where she should be.

 

Frankly I do not believe a reversal in 24 hours can possibly be credible. I think it needs to be well thought out and examined and allowed to marinate. In 24 hours she will be regretting losing you - but not have addressed the real issues.

 

Let her go further away. Move on and heal. If this was meant to be, then perhaps in time it can. But not now.

[lostboyuk]

ok I haven't replied, just being cold isn't me at all.

 

My first thought was of course that some of the meaningful stuff I said last night may have sunk in and/or the music had trigerred something.

 

You see my problem is that I know ignoring her will push her further away as

 

Ok I haven't!

 

Obvious 1st thought is that something meaningful I said last night and/or the music triggered something in her. Combined with the fact she'll be driving back to the horrible place she's staying at.

 

Trouble is I do know her well and know ignoring her will push her further away, her emotional issues are rooted I believe in her worrying about what people think of her (which I think is a manifestation of what she thinks of herself). She would ignore her mum for weeks because she hadn't called once at a certain time for example!

 

Anyway I'm ignoring this one but not promising NC. The reason for that is simply that today I've realised for the first time in 4 months of hell that I'm going to be ok. It feels great in fact! A little exciting! I also worked out that there is nothing she can throw at me more than she already has. Do I want her back? Of course I do, but I know ME is going to be ok.

 

Beer anyone? Off to do some ex GF purging in the house!!! Get me!

[Heartbrokenandinlove]

Lostboy! your in control now mate - stay there.

 

If anything is slowly sinking it let it run its course, she is the one who needs to come back to you now - be cool, stay strong!

[Simon Attwood]

Lost

 

your Girlfriend shows signs of what could be described as Borderline Personality Disorder. Very similar to my wife, in fact.

 

I would say that her development years involved a major loss or abandonment and she is now fearful of getting too close to someone for fear of being abandoned by them. She seems to be seesawing between emotions and motivations. She really has very little control over what she is doing right now and thus I'd suggest a very diminished responsibility for her actions.

 

And have you done your push ups yet?

[lostboyuk]

Lost

 

your Girlfriend shows signs of what could be described as Borderline Personality Disorder. Very similar to my wife, in fact.

 

I would say that her development years involved a major loss or abandonment and she is now fearful of getting too close to someone for fear of being abandoned by them. She seems to be seesawing between emotions and motivations. She really has very little control over what she is doing right now and thus I'd suggest a very diminished responsibility for her actions.

 

And have you done your push ups yet?

 

thanks Simon.

 

I do still feel that sadly you are right. She does and has actually show many behaviours of all kinds of things that I don't understand. You could be right and it could stem from losing her father some years ago, we had talked in the past (when she occassionally opened up) and she did feel that she did something at that time she's never gotten over. Although I have never shown her anything but love and stability.

 

I really don't know, it's very difficult to move on knowing (or at least believing she is suffering with her emotional problems). It really is like she has persuaded herself this is the right thing to do. I feel some people she had around her at Xmas may have not been the best to have around to explore her feelings further or deeper as they only see what's on the outside at that moment in time. It's a little like she's trying to be a different person, pretending she's strong and confident, almost like she's blaming being unconfident and organised on us being together! Although I knew her before we got together.

 

Something she said last night struck with me too. She said she expected to be able to love my kids but she doesn't. I never expected that of her, just to be a friend to them really. Trouble is that she has thus created disappointment in herself.

 

I don't feel there's anything more I can do now though. Other than make her sign an agreement in blood that she will come to counselling if she ever wanted to try again!

 

Too busy for push ups, got GF purging to do.

 

Damn I love her though!

[Simon Attwood]

How old was she when she lost her father?

 

PS the push ups will really help

[lostboyuk]

17, what I believe happened was the family had a call to say her father was very I'll (he was in a care home following years of serious illness) but my gf went out instead or something. I believe none of the family made it in time and he sadly died alone.

 

I really don't know if this relates to anything at all, I do feel it does as we've talked about things around this which always created huge emotion in her but seemed to be such a relief for her following the talking about it.

 

Anyway, I sound like I'm trying to find a reason for this other than 'we were not meant to be' for my own sake. Even if this is the case I still don't want her carrying whatever troubles her around forever.

 

Did weights this morning.....grrrr

[Simon Attwood]

17, what I believe happened was the family had a call to say her father was very I'll (he was in a care home following years of serious illness) but my gf went out instead or something. I believe none of the family made it in time and he sadly died alone.

 

I really don't know if this relates to anything at all, I do feel it does as we've talked about things around this which always created huge emotion in her but seemed to be such a relief for her following the talking about it.

 

Anyway, I sound like I'm trying to find a reason for this other than 'we were not meant to be' for my own sake. Even if this is the case I still don't want her carrying whatever troubles her around forever.

 

Did weights this morning.....grrrr

 

 

There is a reason for everything if you look in the right places.

 

How long was her father in the care home with the illness before he died?

 

PS you can tell me to p off if I'm asking too personal questions.

[Heartbrokenandinlove]

thanks Simon.

 

I do still feel that sadly you are right. She does and has actually show many behaviours of all kinds of things that I don't understand. You could be right and it could stem from losing her father some years ago, we had talked in the past (when she occassionally opened up) and she did feel that she did something at that time she's never gotten over. Although I have never shown her anything but love and stability.

 

I really don't know, it's very difficult to move on knowing (or at least believing she is suffering with her emotional problems). It really is like she has persuaded herself this is the right thing to do. I feel some people she had around her at Xmas may have not been the best to have around to explore her feelings further or deeper as they only see what's on the outside at that moment in time. It's a little like she's trying to be a different person, pretending she's strong and confident, almost like she's blaming being unconfident and organised on us being together! Although I knew her before we got together.

 

Something she said last night struck with me too. She said she expected to be able to love my kids but she doesn't. I never expected that of her, just to be a friend to them really. Trouble is that she has thus created disappointment in herself.

 

I don't feel there's anything more I can do now though. Other than make her sign an agreement in blood that she will come to counselling if she ever wanted to try again!

 

Too busy for push ups, got GF purging to do.

 

Damn I love her though!

 

I could of wrote this myself....

[lostboyuk]

I could of wrote this myself....

 

Really!? It's a proper tragedy mate!

 

How you doing?

[Simon Attwood]

Is anybody asking themselves, yet; why this pattern seems to repeat so regularly and consistently, all over the world, in so many relationships, all experiencing the same thing?

 

[Heartbrokenandinlove]

I'm ok today - how you doing? hope your keeping your head up!

 

Ive read a little bit about BPD - its shocking how similar it sounds!!! How would you ever bring it up in conversation with someone whos left you?

 

She left me and in the end started be nasty because I wanted to go NC - she thought we could just carry on as friends

[lostboyuk]

Is anybody asking themselves, yet; why this pattern seems to repeat so regularly and consistently, all over the world, in so many relationships, all experiencing the same thing?

 

 

Nope. It's either many more people than we care to believe are emotionally unstable or society have created 'emotional problems' to explain something that is purely just the way it is. There is of course another answer, I'm the one who's emotionally challenged and I have no idea what I'm talking about!

 

Still - lostboy

[lostboyuk]

I'm ok today - how you doing? hope your keeping your head up!

 

Ive read a little bit about BPD - its shocking how similar it sounds!!! How would you ever bring it up in conversation with someone whos left you?

 

She left me and in the end started be nasty because I wanted to go NC - she thought we could just carry on as friends

 

Ive got to be honest my friend, I'm doing really well!

 

Listen I want to thank you for your advice again. You were absolutely right, I had to be and have been myself throughout this, although I didn't feel myself at the time. I somehow knew I had to go to the bottom to come back, no idea why at all, just knew. I was at the bottom last night but felt a sense of release/relief/peace/calm or something afterwards. Felt like a shadow most if the day, no substance at all. This breakup comes with all kinds of other issues (financial, etc) but suddenly this pm, things just started falling into place! Good offer on a new house to rent, family offering lend me money and a little excitement about getting my own place dare I say it!

 

I know I'm a mess still but I'm being a mess in style and with some control!!!

 

Listen it's heartbreaking, but if you truly believe your lovely lady is unwell it does give some comfort that it is not you and you are an amazing person who only wanted for your love to be all she could be. It's heartbreaking but beautiful at the same time. Try to accept the peace that comes with that feeling, it's quite enlightening.

[Simon Attwood]

Nope. It's either many more people than we care to believe are emotionally unstable or society have created 'emotional problems' to explain something that is purely just the way it is. There is of course another answer, I'm the one who's emotionally challenged and I have no idea what I'm talking about!

 

Still - lostboy

 

 

I don't think there are very many people at all that are truly emotionally stable, perhaps the Dalai Lama and a few of his peers that have reached Tathagata. or others that might have reached the state of what buddhists refer to as Tathagata through other paths.

 

We are animals, and we react like animals to threat. The difference is, especially in relationships, the threat is to our identities and egos, especially if these identities and egos are in a fragile and undifferentiated state.

 

Lostboy, you are playing the game that your girlfriend is unconsciously defining the rules of. You are a puppet on the strings of her unconscious conflicting needs. You are not in control and neither is she. Her conflicted unconscious is in control and you are letting it happen and letting it define your defences.

 

Stop defending yourself, stop protecting yourself, for the only thing that can be harmed is your identity, and that is an illusion. You are playing her game by defending yourself. You are playing her game by backing away.

 

She unconsciously needs you to abandon her so that it fits in to the core belief that is hard wired in to her brain. Whether that hard wiring occured due to her father's illness and death is irrelevant. Stop playing her game. stop being provoked and manipulated by her unconscious needs. Take control of you and show her how she can take control of herself.

 

By taking the stance of defence, you are playing her game, you are playing to her unconscious needs.

 

Give her as much space as she needs, but don't let her push you away, don't let her unconscious fears stimulate your unconscious fears.

 

Get out of these unconscious games and get conscious about what is happening here.

 

And if you did the weights, then you don't need to do the push ups, it should have had the same effect

[nobmagnet]

simon..............I got past seeing your name on the post..........sure you are clever. sure you have a knowledge and in an inerterest. Its all books. its not what we all need.

 

If you want to take it up as a career..........you need to listen more. you appear to jump on people who are the same stage every time. Maluable.......confused.........a proper conseller listens....waits........asks questions. They dont use long words....confusing phrases. they nurture slowly. We all know why you are here. reasearch. I dont want to be your experiment. get some one to pay for your oppinions. qualify. get paid. stop jumping inhere if you please.

 

my thanks nob x

 

ps private mail me if you wish i would like to hear your excuse

[lostboyuk]

Simon. I simply don't know how to do that I really don't. She has proved on so many occasions that she will not look at herself, she doesn't believe people should change, but I've tried to explain that it isn't about changing who you are, it's about changing your outlook, your belief that things can be different and for the better. She has stopped physically hurting herself but I don't really know how I helped other than being gentle and holding her when it happened.

 

I do feel she has a fear that I know her as well as I do, don't get me wrong I dint understand the womanly feeling that may come with knowing your man has had children with someone else, I never will, but I also know that she has caused some of those feelings inside herself in expecting herself to feel a certain way then disappointment that she didn't.

 

It's so complicated I can't explain it, it's like she self reinforces her decisions to make herself believe what she is doing is right. The simple reason it all seems so strange is that I KNOW how WE felt only a few weeks ago. We had in each other found the perfect partner, how can that not be 'enough' for someone, regardless of whatever else gets in the way? She even said last night "I know we have a special bond, a connection"!

 

I tried to draw out in the gentlest possible way that we may have been affected by our past lives that have surfaced and affected us both. Not much response from that. The only thing I've never tried is shouting at her!

 

IDK Simon, just don't!

[lostboyuk]

simon..............I got past seeing your name on the post..........sure you are clever. sure you have a knowledge and in an inerterest. Its all books. its not what we all need.

 

If you want to take it up as a career..........you need to listen more. you appear to jump on people who are the same stage every time. Maluable.......confused.........a proper conseller listens....waits........asks questions. They dont use long words....confusing phrases. they nurture slowly. We all know why you are here. reasearch. I dont want to be your experiment. get some one to pay for your oppinions. qualify. get paid. stop jumping inhere if you please.

 

my thanks nob x

 

ps private mail me if you wish i would like to hear your excuse

 

nob, it's all cool, I value the opinions of everyone on here. I've had many many different views shared with me but in the end despite being 'textually roared at' at times I have still done what I thought was right. I am absolutely fine right now, I got here with the support of everyone, especially you.

 

If nothing else I can grow my understanding in the event she feels she may want to spend her life being loved the way she deserves.

 

Until then I'm gonna have some fun!!!

[nobmagnet]

fun fun fun!

 

sweet xx

 

nob

[Simon Attwood]

i would like to hear your excuse

 

 

What do i need an excuse for?

[lostboyuk]

No fighting in my thread please.

 

Only peace and love in lostboys house!!!

 

Ok. What's a guy do is my question?

 

I can do NC but to be honest I really don't want to. I can reply to her with 'civil words', but it feels weird! I can just be me and reply in the moment. Or I can try to talk to her again, which is inevitable seeing I forgot to take her key and talk about house stuff!

 

Any way, I'm fine. The living room is as de-girlfriended as I can get it!!!

 

Red wine calling!

[Simon Attwood]

It's so complicated I can't explain it, it's like she self reinforces her decisions to make herself believe what she is doing is right.

 

We all do this to a certain extent, it's when it occurs in the more extreme that it reveals what is often referred to as a neurosis or pathology.

 

The only thing I've never tried is shouting at her!

 

N'ah, don't do that, that will just play to her unconscious need for justification for her behaviour

[Simon Attwood]

Ok. What's a guy do is my question

 

Let her play her games, but don't let her pull your strings either. Eventually she will begin to realise that her games aren't working on you.

 

simples