Friends with benefits but it's gotten complicated.

[Taiyou]

Hi everyone.

For the past few months I've been having sex with a guy every so often and just kissing him other nights. I'll see him at parties or in the bar. We've kept it casual- we didn't exchange numbers or anything (as far as I'm aware he doesn't even have a cellphone right now).

 

Anyway, since we started hooking up I've seen him more often than ever before. I used to see him just the odd time but he's a friend of friend which is how we properly got introduced. He would flirt and generally be really sweet (beginning to think this is just to keep me sweet, but anyway...), walk me home etc. But this is where it gets complicated. One night when we had slipped away from a party, this girl came looking for him. She was far from impressed and left. I knew nothing of this until a few weeks later. A week or so later he left the bar early with a girl (Ive been led to believe it's the same girl).

 

Anyway I saw him out on New Years Eve. He was there with some male friends. We greeted each other and hugged, we shared a kiss. Later I went outside for a cigarette and we started talking. My friend pulled me aside pretty quickly and said she needed to talk to me. She told me she had saw him walking around town holding hands with a girl (I'm gonna guess it's this "mystery" girl again) and said she's heard from a few people he has a girlfriend. Obviously he had neglected to tell me this or I wouldn't have gotten involved.

 

At the party later in my friends house he turned up with said girl and was cuddling with her, seemingly watching me to see my reaction or something. To be honest I was fairly annoyed and didnt speak to him at all. He made no effort to talk to me at all. His facebook (lol) says he's single though.

 

Problem is I like this guy. As I typed this up I'm pretty sure I should just forget about it. I should talk to him but seeing this was all casual I don't want to seem clingy or something. I don't think I can handle a) most likely sharing him with this girl or b) being the other woman. He's starting to seem like a player, but obviously he doesn't know I'm bothered about this. Should I bother speaking to him or just forget it and say nothing? Weighing up his options? Taking what he can get? Any advice would be great.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, Kerr-rist, it always gets complicated.

people can't do it 'like the animals on the Discovery Channel'...

people always set out to have a 'FWB' thing going, but without fail, 100% of the times, one of the people starts investing emotionally. (In this case - that would be you. And nine times out of ten, it IS the woman....)

 

The answer is simple.

Stop seeing him, stop screwing him, and quit this crappy 'Mind-games' schitt.

 

Do not contact him, do not call him, and above all, do not go to bed with him, now he has this young lady on his arm.

It's possible she's a new GF (and why not? Surely, you didn't think he was ever going to be 'faithful' to the FWB thing? Nobody's obliged to do that. That's the whole point. It's just phukking for the sheer fun and hell of it.....)

And if he approaches you, tell him you respect her enough to accept and totally understand that your (joint) FWB days are over, because you never touch another lady's merchandise.

He's taken now, and as such, off limits.

 

Be dignified, be pleasant, be matter-of-fact.

But do not play into his manipulating mind games - and do NOT be a drama queen.

There was never anything intended between you, so I'm afraid, you need to get over this.

And move on.

And never - EVER - agree to be anybody's FWB again.

 

Ever.

Edited January 2, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[Taiyou]

Its not that I expected him to be faithful but to have the decency to say "By the way ___", and not have me as his bit on the side would have been nice.

 

Thanks for your reply though. I kind of know already that it's a lost cause. I have no intentions of being a drama queen about it though, it's not my style.

[TaraMaiden]

good for you.

Look at his current behaviour.

Does that strike you as the behaviour of a man who would -

have the decency to say "By the way ___", and not have me as his bit on the side

 

But you see.... as a FWB, that's exactly what you were.

His 'bit on the side'.

 

If you thought you were anything other than that to him - one of three things happened:

 

• He led you on:
  
• You misread the signals:
  
• You read anything into it at all, which just didn't exist.
  

[Mary3]

I dont get it .

 

You both don't call each other but you get together for sex ? How is that arranged ?

 

For the record : He does not sound like a very good boyfriend to this girl. He is screwing around behind her back.

 

You act surprised but you had a few clues that he had someone else to some extent.

 

I hope you used a condom....He sounds like he has a free reign zipper...

[Jordanjames]

This guy is a creep he totally lead you on and wanted his cake and eat it too! WOW op this is sad, but I think the best thing for you to do is to move on from this man. You will gain nothing hanging on to this man. I suggest you move on cut all contact and go no contact. I know it will be hard but you must move on from this jerk!

[GAchasen]

Hi everyone.

For the past few months I've been having sex with a guy every so often and just kissing him other nights. I'll see him at parties or in the bar. We've kept it casual- we didn't exchange numbers or anything (as far as I'm aware he doesn't even have a cellphone right now).

 

Anyway, since we started hooking up I've seen him more often than ever before. I used to see him just the odd time but he's a friend of friend which is how we properly got introduced. He would flirt and generally be really sweet (beginning to think this is just to keep me sweet, but anyway...), walk me home etc. But this is where it gets complicated. One night when we had slipped away from a party, this girl came looking for him. She was far from impressed and left. I knew nothing of this until a few weeks later. A week or so later he left the bar early with a girl (Ive been led to believe it's the same girl).

 

Anyway I saw him out on New Years Eve. He was there with some male friends. We greeted each other and hugged, we shared a kiss. Later I went outside for a cigarette and we started talking. My friend pulled me aside pretty quickly and said she needed to talk to me. She told me she had saw him walking around town holding hands with a girl (I'm gonna guess it's this "mystery" girl again) and said she's heard from a few people he has a girlfriend. Obviously he had neglected to tell me this or I wouldn't have gotten involved.

 

At the party later in my friends house he turned up with said girl and was cuddling with her, seemingly watching me to see my reaction or something. To be honest I was fairly annoyed and didnt speak to him at all. He made no effort to talk to me at all. His facebook (lol) says he's single though.

 

Problem is I like this guy. As I typed this up I'm pretty sure I should just forget about it. I should talk to him but seeing this was all casual I don't want to seem clingy or something. I don't think I can handle a) most likely sharing him with this girl or b) being the other woman. He's starting to seem like a player, but obviously he doesn't know I'm bothered about this. Should I bother speaking to him or just forget it and say nothing? Weighing up his options? Taking what he can get? Any advice would be great.

 

I had a friend in college who had FWB thing with this guy. I think it was more of a thing of right place at right time...??? Obviously, if your at the same places, have maybe some of the same friends, then you will be too easy for him. Just mean that he doesn't have to run you down....

I agree...with other posts. Leave him alone.

[stillafool]

Its not that I expected him to be faithful but to have the decency to say "By the way ___", and not have me as his bit on the side would have been nice.

 

Thanks for your reply though. I kind of know already that it's a lost cause. I have no intentions of being a drama queen about it though, it's not my style.

 

I think a FWB relationship is a "bit on the side" for both of you. You were fine with it at first and he could have been using you for sex while wooing this other girl for a relationship and thinking you are okay with whatever as long as you are getting laid. It is too late to have relationship with him. Move on and don't settle for this FWB stuff unless you can handle it.

[citygal1]

FWB relationships aren't for everybody. But I have been in a few successful ones. I think they can work ( for some people ) when there are solid rules and both people are upfront with their intentions. If one person becomes interested in a seriously dating a person outside the relationship, then the FWB relationship should end. I also think some people get involved in a FWB relationship with a person that already have strong feelings for. Secretly hoping that it will lead to something more. A FWB relationship won't work in that situation