lostguy013 Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 (edited) Hi, I have a problem and I'm hoping someone can give me some good advise. I have been with my girlfriend for 4 and a half years. I love her very much but I have lost my physical attraction to her. I honestly can't pin point a reason. It's not that she's fat or anything. She is actually very beautiful, but I can't seem to find her sexually appealing anymore. It has actually been a while (nearly two years as far as I can remember) since I can remember looking at her and being turned on. I have resorted to imaging other women and sex scenes from movies so I could still give her what she needs. (She's a very sexual woman) Any way I enjoy spending time with her most of the time, but I enjoy my alone time as well and she tries to give me that but she is a person who needs attention often. I made the mistake of telling her today how I feel and I really wish I never had. I just felt bad that I don't feel the same way about her as she does about me. Now I'm wishing I never said anything. I've thought about going to see a counselor but could that really get me so I find her attractive again? I know that the problem really is with me and it's not her. There have been plenty of other guys that I see looking at her and I let her enjoy flirting with them because I want her to be happy. I've never been the jealous type. I just don't know what to do. I love her and I don't want to lose all the great things about her, but I just don't feel the same way as she does anymore, and I can't picture us getting married. I've never been able to picture myself married at all. I'm only 31. (she's 23) I'm to young for that. ok, enough rambling. Any advise. Is it possible for me to find her attractive again somehow so she doesn't have to be hurt? Edited January 3, 2010 by lostguy013 mispellings and left out words Link to post Share on other sites
squeaky Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 if you want to stay with her, you should see a counselor. sometimes when people stop feeling attracted to one another in a relationship (especially a long term one), it's because of issues that run deeper than physical attraction. often there is some shift in dynamic in the relationship that can affect attraction. maybe this relationship has run its course for you, or maybe it's something else that is ultimately fixable. if you can try to pinpoint why your feelings have changed, you can go from there and try to resolve this. if you really want to be with her, it's worth a try. but if you really can't see yourself with her in the long run, it might be better to move on and let her find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
CaspianDreams Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 Agree with the previous poster, a counseler would probably be a good way to go. My only comment is that at this point in the relationship, it's not just you - the lack of attractive is also caused by her; chances are you'll both have to change something (likely together), not just you...be realistic about it. Being turned on by someone after 4.5 years is quite a bit different than getting turned on by the person you've never seen before after 4.5 seconds. There's actually physiological explanations as well, pertaining to endorphins, etcetera, and correspondingly, the feeling of attraction changes with time...there should be plenty of sources online describing this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 Are you attracted to men ? Be honest... Link to post Share on other sites
hollywood undead Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 (edited) I have resorted to imaging other women and sex scenes from movies That's so depressing..... Don't worry, you're normal. All men get tired of the "same ol' p*ssy" at some point, why else would there be porn and strip clubs and the likes. Men are wired for variety and profound newness, and it is ingrained in their DNA to spread their seed around and to impregnate as many females as possible. Haven't you ever heard of that theory before..... Another theory is that after the initial attraction wears off (usually after three or four years - the time it takes to get the offspring out of the biggest mess in terms of dependency and reliance on its parents) it is natural that the chemistry isn't there anymore. A counsellor won't bring that attraction back, so save the money. New partner, new luck, new babies, new genes.....just follow the orders from evolution. Oh well...... Edited January 3, 2010 by hollywood undead Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostguy013 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Share Posted January 3, 2010 To Mary 3, my answer is yes I am bi, but I am extremely selective about that. I don't find most men attractive in the least but every once in a great while... To Hollywood undead, I have heard that theory before but I'm wired differently than most men as I have no desire whatsoever to spread my seed. If I never produce a child it would be too soon. However I agree that there is something to the variety thing. When my girlfriend and I were still new in our relationship I had no problem with the idea of both of us being allowed to sleep with other people as long as we were careful and kept open lines of communication. She was fine with that as well, and even slept with her exboyfriend with no problem. But then she had a problem when I slept with another woman and all of that stopped when she started getting jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 Are you attracted to men ? Be honest... how in the hell were you able to pull that out of his original post? wow Link to post Share on other sites
and.then.some Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 It's not just men... it happens to women too. I was with an incredibly attractive man and I just... got used to him! It happens! I didn't all of a sudden think he was ugly. He just didn't seem as hott as he used to... because I had gotten used to him! It's perfectly normal. He didn't turn me off, but he didn't turn me on so easily anymore. You're 31 and say you're not ready for marriage (mhmm)... Relationships go far beyond hottness, as it takes much more than looks to make a good relationship.... or good sex. I agree that counseling probably sounds like a good idea. But something else to try to keep in mind is why you love her. Maybe you guys could think about trying something new in the bedroom? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 how in the hell were you able to pull that out of his original post? wow Im good ? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 To Mary 3, my answer is yes I am bi, but I am extremely selective about that. I don't find most men attractive in the least but every once in a great while... To Hollywood undead, I have heard that theory before but I'm wired differently than most men as I have no desire whatsoever to spread my seed. If I never produce a child it would be too soon. However I agree that there is something to the variety thing. When my girlfriend and I were still new in our relationship I had no problem with the idea of both of us being allowed to sleep with other people as long as we were careful and kept open lines of communication. She was fine with that as well, and even slept with her exboyfriend with no problem. But then she had a problem when I slept with another woman and all of that stopped when she started getting jealous. At least you were honest about that...thanks Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 To Mary 3, my answer is yes I am bi, but I am extremely selective about that. I don't find most men attractive in the least but every once in a great while... To Hollywood undead, I have heard that theory before but I'm wired differently than most men as I have no desire whatsoever to spread my seed. If I never produce a child it would be too soon. However I agree that there is something to the variety thing. When my girlfriend and I were still new in our relationship I had no problem with the idea of both of us being allowed to sleep with other people as long as we were careful and kept open lines of communication. She was fine with that as well, and even slept with her exboyfriend with no problem. But then she had a problem when I slept with another woman and all of that stopped when she started getting jealous. Why do women want to sleep with their ex-es and then get jealous when we want to sleep with ours? I'm ok with being in an open relationship if a woman is, but rarely do they want to admit this and when actions don't match with words, there's always a source of an argument. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostguy013 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 You're 31 and say you're not ready for marriage (mhmm)... Relationships go far beyond hottness, as it takes much more than looks to make a good relationship.... or good sex. I agree, and I can tell you that when we first met I know that I was attracted to her free spirited personality and she seemed strong and independent, but then the jealousy thing started and soon she became insecure and I started feeling like I had to take care of her. Then the dynamic of our relationship changed and it became less about love between two mutual partners and more about me trying to make sure she had everything she needed and I guess somewhere along the way I completely lost the original love I had for her. I'm afraid that it was my fault that she became so dependent on me, and now what happens if she meets someone new who doesn't treat her well? I just want her to be happy and feel that I'm not able to give her what she needs to be happy. I know that she could tell that this was coming because I could see the hurt disappointed look on her face everytime, and it killed me everytime. Link to post Share on other sites
and.then.some Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I agree, and I can tell you that when we first met I know that I was attracted to her free spirited personality and she seemed strong and independent, but then the jealousy thing started and soon she became insecure and I started feeling like I had to take care of her. Then the dynamic of our relationship changed and it became less about love between two mutual partners and more about me trying to make sure she had everything she needed and I guess somewhere along the way I completely lost the original love I had for her. I'm afraid that it was my fault that she became so dependent on me, and now what happens if she meets someone new who doesn't treat her well? I just want her to be happy and feel that I'm not able to give her what she needs to be happy. I know that she could tell that this was coming because I could see the hurt disappointed look on her face everytime, and it killed me everytime. And... that could have much to do with why you're no longer physically attracted to her. Sounds like you would both benefit counseling. Do you know what might have caused the jealousy, insecurity, and neediness? Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Then break up with her. Why the angst? BTW, there is not such thing as a BI male....only someone in denial.... Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Then break up with her. Why the angst? BTW, there is not such thing as a BI male....only someone in denial.... Says who? You? What makes you qualified to determine a complete stranger's sexuality? :rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 31 and 23 is a decent age gap. I find it tough to be with someone that young, unless they are mature for their age is it her physical or mental attributes that make you feel less attracted? Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Says who? You? What makes you qualified to determine a complete stranger's sexuality? :rolleyes: LOL!!!! damn...calm down...why so angry?...yes , says ME, dammit! LOL...actually, no, I read this, http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/health/05sex.html and totally agree with it.....YOU(or anyone else, for that matter) do not have to agree with it....and that's cool..... I do. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 LOL!!!! damn...calm down...why so angry?...yes , says ME, dammit! LOL...actually, no, I read this, http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/health/05sex.html and totally agree with it.....YOU(or anyone else, for that matter) do not have to agree with it....and that's cool..... I do. I'm not angry, I just think it's absurd to tell someone what their own sexuality is. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I'm not angry, I just think it's absurd to tell someone what their own sexuality is. why absurd? we are all here dishing out our own beliefs and opinions...including sexuality....are you saying the forum is absurd? Maybe the man needs to be told by a stranger to stop sitting on the fence and let his GF go...no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostguy013 Posted January 5, 2010 Author Share Posted January 5, 2010 Says who? You? What makes you qualified to determine a complete stranger's sexuality? :rolleyes: thank you allina. I'm not in denial about anything. I happen to enjoy the benefits of both. Is a person who likes chocolate and vanilla ice cream in denial? Must a person choose just one? Link to post Share on other sites
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