Are we all masochists? Beware...RANT

[mikeymad]

Pain is pleasure, pleasure is pain...either way it's all the same.

 

Be careful, as you are about do go down the rabbit hole...

Sometimes it just feels like I am a dog chasing his tail. Why is it that the fog is so thick that they can't see the pain, the devastation that WAW/WAH cause? Are they just that focused on themselves that they put up blinders? Do they not remember that a spouse is a family member, not some piece of trash garbage that you crumple up and throw alongside of the road when things get rough? Shouldn't we strive to understand and adapt to the person we live with in order to create harmony? Shouldn't we practice the laws of forgiveness? Why is it that the past you had can be so horribly distorted that what they see isn't a semblance of anything loving or worthwhile, or even you aren't worthwhile? Why do they fail to see that they had any contribution to the demise of the relationship, except for "letting it go so long/not ending things earlier"? Why is it that we crawl over broken glass at any phrase of hope or words of ambiguity..."not right now, maybe, we'll see, currently, not sure"

 

Well ladies and gentlemen, that light at the end of the tunnel is the train coming. And some of us are probably keeping our head turned away from the light, because we know it's the train, but we don't want to believe it...that we can will the train not to come. We make 1 more call, send 1 more text/email, write 1 more letter, read one more relationship book, attend 1 more therapy session in hopes that a miracle will happen. Sometimes it does. But if it happened all the time, it wouldn't be a miracle. (i.e. I'm unique, just like everyone else) That's the truth, and it sucks.

 

here comes the train

If you are someone that has hope, I am sorry that you have read this. Stay positive as long as you can. I don't need to be pessimistic, but 2 2010 looks to be one of painful self discovery and questions. My reflections only begot more questions. My pain only begot more pain. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

 

here comes the train

I have now reached the point where I am not only sad, but ANGRY that she can't see what I'm doing, what I'm going through. She doesn't even care that I can't afford a friggin place to live now that we're not living in the same household, all that she's worried is herself now. I know I'm a bit dependant, but who wouldn't want someone to share their life with someone, their goals, hopes and dreams, their successes and failures. To have someone hold their hand or give them a hug. God, it's been so long since I've had any sort of physical human contact that I feel like a robot. Well maybe not since I would have rusted out from the tears. I know I'm young, and I have a long life ahead of me, but who wants to live a long life of misery. I went to a friends for new years, and had a girl show interest in me (i think), and I lost it mid sentence, I not only felt completely guilty about having the conversation, but I closed my eyes for a second, pretended that my wife and I were actually talking, then when I opened them came back to a painful reality.

 

And to my fellow LSers...I don't have anything negative to say about this forum, as it and people have helped me tremendously, but on the other edge of the sword, is this a place where we return to in our darkest hours, to rehash and relive our hurts just so we can keep the cycle of pain and angst going? Is this allowing us to self depreciate more? To find someone to pay attention to us, because that other person won't? A post that IMAGINE had was almost spot on. He doesn't get involved with too many posts because people become needy. We need to validate ourselves and our existance. Yet this is the only place where we are understood, and cared about. We don't have to pay therapy fees and sit in a room with soft music and someone nodding their head "mmm-hmm" and "how does that make you feel". People actually give a s**t about you.

 

And some of the top posters here are like the one eyed kings in the land of the blind. Having been through hell gives one a unique perspective, and some hella burn scars to show off. Some of us are ok to let the wounds heal, but most of us will just keep picking at the scab. I wish I could get to the point where I could be that person, to reach out to someone who I see as myself; hurting, scared, and confused. Better yet, I want to find that person before they get here, that membership at this site doesn't grow, it reduces, so sites like this don't HAVE to exist. But wishful thinking says that light is hope. Nope.

Here comes the train.

 

I apologize for the rant, but I warned you in the thread title, so I absolve myself of all responsibility if you made it this far. I just don't know about anything anymore, and that's scary. Everything familiar too me has been tainted by the memories of her, memories and situations and people that hurt to much to be around, because they remind me of her. I have questioned everything about myself, my personality, and my being. I now doubt my ability to be a worthwhile friend, lover, husband, and future father. Why would anyone want to be with me, now I feel like I have nothing positive to give to another person, and I feel like my purpose in life has no purpose.

Ugh. Here comes the train

 

Ps. On a lighter note, how about that local sports team we both like to cheer for?

[tojaz]

Alrighty, in to the rabbit hole we go......

Pain is pleasure, pleasure is pain...either way it's all the same.

 

Be careful, as you are about do go down the rabbit hole...

Sometimes it just feels like I am a dog chasing his tail. Why is it that the fog is so thick that they can't see the pain, the devastation that WAW/WAH cause? Are they just that focused on themselves that they put up blinders? Do they not remember that a spouse is a family member, not some piece of trash garbage that you crumple up and throw alongside of the road when things get rough? Shouldn't we strive to understand and adapt to the person we live with in order to create harmony? Shouldn't we practice the laws of forgiveness? Why is it that the past you had can be so horribly distorted that what they see isn't a semblance of anything loving or worthwhile, or even you aren't worthwhile? Why do they fail to see that they had any contribution to the demise of the relationship, except for "letting it go so long/not ending things earlier"? Why is it that we crawl over broken glass at any phrase of hope or words of ambiguity..."not right now, maybe, we'll see, currently, not sure"

Its like that because that is the reality of the WAW/H for them, their mind, and to anyone they tell their story to this is real.

Yes the fog is that thick, that dense and to top it all off, the fog that surrounds those of us left behind is just as thick. For every good thing they find a way to twist and mutate into something evil and wrong, there is something lacking in the relationship that has had a blind eye turned to it. For every tactic to create harmony you see missed, they see a failed attempt, where you see ambivalance to the relationship, they see exhaustion from doing what they could to save it. That is their reality, that is what they see and they have a right to it just as much as you do to yours. Fact of the matter is, both sides are right, both sides are wrong, but the truest version lies somewhere in the middle. Read any thread from any poster and the story is almost always the same "I thought I was doing everything right" "they never told me" "I was blindsided" "why cant we work on it" but if there was a forum for WAW/H it might read a little like this Left/Leaver.. "I thought I was doing everything right"/"He gives me everything but what I need from him" "They never told me"/"Why can't he take a hint" "I was blindsided"/"he must have seen this coming" "why can't we work on it?"/"I've done all I can and nothing works" Thats perception. You have yours and they have theirs and they are both twisted to suit your needs, hers to make it easier to justify her actions yours makes it easier to defend your marriage. As long as that stalemate exists there is nothing you can do. Why dosen't she see? Why dosen't she understand? Why dosen't she see my side?

 

 

Are you seeing hers?...... or just defending your own.

Change your point of view. Its harder then you think.

Well ladies and gentlemen, that light at the end of the tunnel is the train coming. And some of us are probably keeping our head turned away from the light, because we know it's the train, but we don't want to believe it...that we can will the train not to come. We make 1 more call, send 1 more text/email, write 1 more letter, read one more relationship book, attend 1 more therapy session in hopes that a miracle will happen. Sometimes it does. But if it happened all the time, it wouldn't be a miracle. (i.e. I'm unique, just like everyone else) That's the truth, and it sucks.

 

So what is the alternative? Do I make the call or spend my life wondering, send the letter or stuff it to the back of the drawer. How much effort, how much pain is my marriage worth. Would it be a miracle? maybe but why cant a miracle happen to me? Why turn my back?

 

here comes the train....maybe its not a train!

If you are someone that has hope, I am sorry that you have read this. Stay positive as long as you can. I don't need to be pessimistic, but 2 2010 looks to be one of painful self discovery and questions. My reflections only begot more questions. My pain only begot more pain. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

 

Ask Gunny about the healing fire! Hope/indifference, the pain is all the same, the path is the same with the same pitfalls and the same hurdles. I'm sorry you hurt, we all do. Yet this pain is necessary, the questions are necessary. You are a changed man and will continue to change for some time. The man you were, is heading for divorce! Here comes the train and the man you were stepped on the track.

 

 

here comes the train...I'm sure it will stop!

I have now reached the point where I am not only sad, but ANGRY that she can't see what I'm doing, what I'm going through. She doesn't even care that I can't afford a friggin place to live now that we're not living in the same household, all that she's worried is herself now. I know I'm a bit dependant, but who wouldn't want someone to share their life with someone, their goals, hopes and dreams, their successes and failures. To have someone hold their hand or give them a hug. God, it's been so long since I've had any sort of physical human contact that I feel like a robot. Well maybe not since I would have rusted out from the tears. I know I'm young, and I have a long life ahead of me, but who wants to live a long life of misery. I went to a friends for new years, and had a girl show interest in me (i think), and I lost it mid sentence, I not only felt completely guilty about having the conversation, but I closed my eyes for a second, pretended that my wife and I were actually talking, then when I opened them came back to a painful reality.

 

Shes thinking about her, your thinking about her, whats missing from this equation? Shes broke and shes working on herself, looking at how she went wrong, how she got to this point, how to be a better her for her. Your broke as well.... and your thinking about her, how to fix her, how she went wrong, whos thinking about you? Fixing you? Acknowledging your part in all of this? Partnership and marriage takes 2 whole people! You must be repaired! Life after divorce, means you and only you, you must be repaired!

 

here comes the train... If I cant see it it can't hurt me!

And to my fellow LSers...I don't have anything negative to say about this forum, as it and people have helped me tremendously, but on the other edge of the sword, is this a place where we return to in our darkest hours, to rehash and relive our hurts just so we can keep the cycle of pain and angst going? Is this allowing us to self depreciate more? To find someone to pay attention to us, because that other person won't? A post that IMAGINE had was almost spot on. He doesn't get involved with too many posts because people become needy. We need to validate ourselves and our existance. Yet this is the only place where we are understood, and cared about. We don't have to pay therapy fees and sit in a room with soft music and someone nodding their head "mmm-hmm" and "how does that make you feel". People actually give a s**t about you.

This forum is just like anything else in life..... just the sum of its parts. It has no purpose, just pixels and data and code. LS is what you make it. If it is to rehash your pain and a tool of your own demise then that is what it is, but it can also be a place of healing, learning, and support! If you don't like what the forum does for you, then change what you take from it. Take what you need and what you can use and leave the rest.

 

here comes the train...Nowhere to run!

And some of the top posters here are like the one eyed kings in the land of the blind. Having been through hell gives one a unique perspective, and some hella burn scars to show off. Some of us are ok to let the wounds heal, but most of us will just keep picking at the scab. I wish I could get to the point where I could be that person, to reach out to someone who I see as myself; hurting, scared, and confused. Better yet, I want to find that person before they get here, that membership at this site doesn't grow, it reduces, so sites like this don't HAVE to exist. But wishful thinking says that light is hope. Nope.

That depends on what your hoping for. That lights a train, no doubt about it what now? Your not the only one in that tunnel, more people come pouring in every day, wandering in lost, some haven't seen the train, some have been hit by the last one.....

 

Here comes the train....Nowhere to hide!

I apologize for the rant, but I warned you in the thread title, so I absolve myself of all responsibility if you made it this far. I just don't know about anything anymore, and that's scary. Everything familiar too me has been tainted by the memories of her, memories and situations and people that hurt to much to be around, because they remind me of her. I have questioned everything about myself, my personality, and my being. I now doubt my ability to be a worthwhile friend, lover, husband, and future father. Why would anyone want to be with me, now I feel like I have nothing positive to give to another person, and I feel like my purpose in life has no purpose.

Decision time! 9 months ago I wandered into this tunnel, heard the whistle, heard the roar, got hit by the train!!! Now I'm broken battered and bruised. What now? Now I pick myself up, learn how I got here. I may get a chance to go down this tunnel again someday, if not, there are lots or tunnels with lots of trains out there, so i want to know. How did I get here, where was my wrong turn, where did the train come from, what station, who built it, how does it work? Everything I can so I don't get hit again and so i can point the way for those that don't know. So listen up bud cause a trains coming!!!! I don't know the way back, and I don't know how to stop it. But i'm finding ways around it and I know I can survive it. But most of all, I'm learning how i got in the tunnel in the first place and thats the most important lesson of all.

TOJAZ

 

 

Ps. On a lighter note, how about that local sports team we both like to cheer for?

GO PACK GO! :p:p

Edited January 3, 2010 by tojaz