Arguement with family member

[CLC2008]

A few days ago I had a heated argument with a family member I am very close with. We're both females, but her personality is very masculine and her approach towards people is very aggressive in-your-face, and at times a lot to take. For the most part, I always try to stay neutral when we disagree or there is conflict.

 

The other day, she came home and began yelling at me because I did not shovel the snow... Now I know what led up to it (as I know her), she had a tough day and some other things and was probably just frustrated.

 

Fine.

 

Had she called earlier in the day and asked me to shovel, I would have done it in a heart beat. If you ask me to do something, I do it. So that's not the issue. Aside from that, I am helpful with so many other things and I go out of my way to do little things for her. And that's not to say she doesn't for me. But the ONE thing I didn't "think" to do, she gives me heat for. So, I get dressed to go shovel the snow, because I didn't want to get into it with her. I then say to her, "I just wish you would have approached me with it differently".

 

Her response was, "that she shouldn't have to ask and I am an unthoughtful person and that I should use my head"...So at this point, I am pissed. I am pissed because of the comment, and because this is how she ALWAYS approaches me (and everyone else), with things.

 

So I am mad and I slam the door on my way out (not really hard, but enough to make a loud noise). A few minutes later, she comes by me and gives me a dirty look. Now my anger is escalating at this point...I said to her "don't look at me that way". She comes over, gets in my face and points her finger directly in my face and starts to yell again. I asked her very calmly, "get her hand out of my face". She refused to, so I walked away and told her that she isn't someone I can have a rational conversation with.

 

And that's when she lost it. She told me that I am not welcome in her home and that her mother (my aunt) invited me, and she didn't...And a few other things that I will leave out as it was pretty nasty. I am staying with them for a year and paying rent, while trying to save money, and she offered for me to stay with NO strings attached.

 

Aside from that, I always do my share, so for her to make that comment was like a slap in the face. I said to her "you know what? You're a bitch" and then I left the house because at that point I was crying.

 

Eventually we squashed it, but I don't know that I can ever feel that level of closeness with her again. That upsets me. It upsets me that she would tell her own family, that they are not welcome. All because (*I*) did not "think" to shovel the snow. I feel like those comments she made, totally undermined the foundation of our entire relationship, and I tried explaining that to her after we had the argument, and her response was "well you know how I am, I am the type of person who just says it like it is".

 

I do not agree with that response AT ALL and it's just something I cannot accept. So, how am I/we supposed to get past that?

[0hpenelope]

...

Eventually we squashed it, but I don't know that I can ever feel that level of closeness with her again. That upsets me. It upsets me that she would tell her own family, that they are not welcome. All because (*I*) did not "think" to shovel the snow. I feel like those comments she made, totally undermined the foundation of our entire relationship, and I tried explaining that to her after we had the argument, and her response was "well you know how I am, I am the type of person who just says it like it is".

 

I do not agree with that response AT ALL and it's just something I cannot accept. So, how am I/we supposed to get past that?

 

I'm so sorry. Arguments with family are really tough. I don't agree with her response either because the message that she's sending out is basically "Well, this is me, take it or leave it. I will refuse to change, even though I was rude and how I reacted was wrong."

 

It's true about family - a loving family that I know not everyone has - that they'll love their own unconditionally. But I don't think that it's something to be exploited as an excuse when someone's hurting a relative, then turn around and say "Well, it's just me and you know that and you should understand it already."

 

No. That was just rude on her part. I wouldn't know how to get past her response either... But I did the same thing w/ a relative: I kept the relationship civil or polite. Family or not, I just don't want anyone else to be rude to me because I don't deserve it. I won't tolerate being talked down to or berated for no reason at all just because they were angry about something so petty. Maybe my love for family isn't so unconditional after all... I hope you get a more helpful answer than my response.

Edited January 9, 2010 by 0hpenelope

[threebyfate]

Did you ask her where she filed your indenture or ownership documents? If this hasn't happened, she doesn't own or control you and needs to STFU.

 

You might want to read Taramere's most recent thread about "authentic" people. It might make you giggle a bit.

[Norman Bates]

I had a sister like this. The biggest control freak ever and would go insane if she thought you had touched any of her stuff. It sucks because you want to be close to them but you need to be walking on egg shells incase you say the wrong thing.

 

I remember this once time, she bought some drinks (3x 2L bottles of coke) and put them in the firdge. I thought "nice she bought us some cool drinks" I had a cup and omg she went crazy!!

 

"who said you could have some of my drink? did you get anything out of it?" lol

 

My younger brother is like this too.

[CLC2008]

Thanks to those who responded.

 

Just to give you an update, things have been on the up and up with my cousin and I. We've gotten into arguements before, but this one really got to me as she had no right to lash out at me like that, and I still don't excuse it, but I'm over it for the most part.

 

She does have a very controlling personality, she's very bossy and she has no qualms about how she talks to people and how it affects them. I've given it back to her before, as I'm not afraid too, I just rather not get into it with her 95% of the time because I am generally a non-confrontational person whereas she is the complete opposite.

 

I like your comments TBF, and believe me, I had to hold myself back from reaming into her, but I did, and I feel better about that. I know how to bring her down a few notches, but I refrain from doing that because it won't solve anything.

 

Though, sometimes it feels good to give it back, and I did by telling her she was a biotch .

 

Norman, yeah, that's how my cousin is (except with the drink part). And on the flip side, she is very generous in many ways, very dependable and she has done a lot for me and has been there for me all the time. It just sucks because there will always be that line between her and I and it makes it hard to trust her fully, which sucks given she is family.

 

And penelope, your response was in fact helpful, so thank you.