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"Ex" wants to meetup for coffee...now what?


confusionstate

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confusionstate

The catch is, he was not even an "ex."

To put it bluntly, he was a FWB that went on for 8 months...but we were friends before that (although we hadn't seen each other for a year).

The only thing is...it didn't feel like a FWB. We hung out, we laughed, we cuddled...we had fun. I started falling for him (uh oh...) and he, being emotionally unavailable, freaked out when I gave him "the talk" at month 8 of our relationship. He basically told me, "im not ready. ive got issues. i dont want this to be serious cuz i can see us ending. i want to date other women." i asked him if he wanted to even *try* to make things work...nope, he didnt.

 

ouch.

 

im not the pleading or begging type. I have way too much self pride to do that. That doesn't mean however, that i haven't been affected by this ordeal...because boy, have I felt like **** for the past 3 months. I've felt lower than low...but I've dont a kickass job at not contacting him. In fact, he was the one who emailed me...3 times...but with the most empty 1-2 liner emails that amounted to nth more than "how are you."

 

I miss him...I miss him a lot, so I did the stupid thing a month ago and replied back to his email with a simple "i miss you," to which he replied back and suggested that we meetup for coffee since its "been a while."

 

And therein lies the dilemma. A couple little emails were exchanged after this...basically I said that I'd see him for coffee.

 

I'm having second thoughts about this now. I really need advice as to whether I should go or not. I've been playing over and over and over, in my head, the different scenarios that may happen if we do meet up. Why would he want to meetup for coffee, if he doesn't want a relationship with me?? Does he really just want to be "friends" again? What good could possibly happen if I go?? I obviously want to be MORe than friends...

 

I feel like I'm overthinking this WAY too much...which is why I want advice. A guy friend suggests that I go and see if he has changed...on the other hand, I'd feel REALLY stupid if I show up and he really...just wants to be friends...and I'm left feeling empty handed, again.

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Silent-Night

Hi, I am going through the exact same situation at the moment (read my post WTF is going on!!!). I can relate to alot of the questions that are torturing you right now. I would also wonder why this person is doing this after a long period of NC. Keep posting and we can discuss this if you like.

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and.then.some

If you go, I say be prepared. My first thought was to say "don't do it!" However, you never know. Maybe the time apart has put some things and his relationship with you and what he really wants on his mind. As there has been a space of NC, it might not be very kosher to come out with "Hi, I think I might be interested in a relationship now." If you think you can handle the negative possibilities, I say go for it and get a feel for the situation.

 

Just don't be surprised if he tries to gain that... beneficial relationship with you all over again. Even knowing how you feel/felt about him, he may still try to get what he can get if he can. If you're emotionally able to deal with this possibility (even likelihood) then I say there's no harm in meeting for coffee, just so you know for sure where he really stands.

 

You won't have to wonder if maybe he wanted something more now. You'll know...

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Silent-Night

This is how am dealing with the same problem. First question is why are they coming back after sucha long period of time? Frankly could be anything from just plain old curiosity to something completely twisted. My reaction to that is stop asking yourself the question and explore very discreetly the signs and words that this person is giving you. Be very wary of the FBW angle that is just freaking insulting towards you especially if you want a proper offical relationship with this person. If you do choose to go down this path and meet up then I would go into this meet up with a completely open mind set and under no circumstances go with any hopes or expectations whatsoever. You will only come out of this with alot of pain. Secondly, trust your damn instinct. Like you if you read my post I resisted the urge and maintained NC for a very long time. She was the one who broke it, not me!!! What this should do is comfort you in the fact that you are a very strong willed person and that you have the upper hand in this kind of scenario.

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Three things could happen:

 

He wants to be in a relationship.

 

He wants to be FWB again.

 

He wants to make sure you don't hate him.

 

After you meet him though, the three months of NC goes back to day 1. Do you remember that feeling you had on day one? There's a chance that feeling can come back.

 

I would cancel the meeting with him and make him work harder to see you. I mean really make him sweat. If he beats down your door you have a decision to make. If he doesn't, you have to realize that his "attempt" to meet with you is nothing more than him trying to rekindle a backup plan during his dry spell. Don't give him an ego boost, cancel it.

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chocolate_boy
Three things could happen:

 

He wants to be in a relationship.

 

He wants to be FWB again.

 

He wants to make sure you don't hate him.

 

After you meet him though, the three months of NC goes back to day 1. Do you remember that feeling you had on day one? There's a chance that feeling can come back.

 

I would cancel the meeting with him and make him work harder to see you. I mean really make him sweat. If he beats down your door you have a decision to make. If he doesn't, you have to realize that his "attempt" to meet with you is nothing more than him trying to rekindle a backup plan during his dry spell. Don't give him an ego boost, cancel it.

 

Everyone does the "meet up for coffee" thing I think, yes it can be painful but sometimes you're kicking yourself if you don't.

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Everyone does the "meet up for coffee" thing I think, yes it can be painful but sometimes you're kicking yourself if you don't.

 

Yep, I've done it too and as Dusty Saltus said, it puts you right back at Day One.

If you are prepared for what I am almost sure will turn out to be negative (only wants to be a FWB with you until he finds another) then by all means...

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bittersweet memories

"Absense makes the heart grow fonder". Hopefully that is the case with you.

 

I say meet with him because if you don't you will have some regret and wonder "what if".

 

Don't expect anything right away, go with the flow and see what happens. Whatever you do don't sleep with him.

 

Good Luck!

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confusionstate

Thank you guys for all your words of encouragement.

I've been debating back and forth and trust me, it was a tough, tough call.

 

I've decided that I'm gonna go ahead and meet him.

I'm preparing myself for the worst...going to go in with zero expectations and will hold my head up high. Its going to be tough, but hey, then I'll come back here and tell you guys all about it ;)

 

I'll keep the "date" short and will not show any signs of missing him...at least, thats what i say now.

 

Curiosity killed the cat...intuitively I think this is a dumb idea...but the regret/what-if factor is killing me.

 

Wish me luck you guys, and I'll report back to ya'll very, very soon.

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confusionstate

Well guys...as promised, i came back for the update of what happened.

 

as most of you predicated, yes, it was a rude awakening.

It actually wasn't all that awkward. It was nice to catch up with him, and there wasn't really any awkwardness involved...it was just like "old times."

 

except when it came time to say goodbye.

Obviously, that was the hard part. I wanted more and he...he had all the chance to do something, but he didn't. So he gave me a small hug and left.

I wanted so badly for him to do something, but he didnt.

 

So yes, it hurt. When I came home, I had to literally hold back my tears because things weren't going as I wanted it to go.

30 minutes later though, I'm fine again. I guess this IS the rude awakening that I sort of thought would happen. In the back of my mind, I wanted something else, but was imagining this sceneraio to happen..andyes, it happened.

 

On the brighter side, now i can REALLY stop over-analyzing his emails and thinking 'what if' or 'what hes thinking.' I know it now. And its over.

 

So to all of you out there....contemplating whether u wanna get coffee with ur ex??? Be prepared for a rude awakening.

 

 

no regrets though.

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