Adult victim of child abuse

[mammax3]

Hi all. I'm looking for information about how to be supportive to an adult victim of child abuse.

 

I've looked online, and can't see anything in particular. We've talked about seeing a counsellor, but that's not a step they're interested in taking quite yet - I suspect they're scared.

 

If you've been in a relationship (in any form) with an adult victim of child abuse, what was that like?

 

If you're able to share, I'm also interested in hearing experiences from individuals on how they would feel best supported, or if there are things that they wish others would say or do. Would you share what it feels like inside when a person tries to be loving or affectionate, or say nice things?

 

I fully recognize that no one's experiences are the same, but i can only imagine what this person has endured.

 

Thank you.

[D-Lish]

I'm confused as to what you mean by "adult victim of child abuse".

Are you talking about an adult being terrorized by their child, or an adult that was abused as a child and is in need of help to deal with it?

[mammax3]

I couldn't find a succinct way to describe what I mean.

 

I'll try again.

 

An adult who was abused as a child - neglect, emotional and physical and who also witnessed domestic violence.

 

As an adult now, who has these unresolved issues, memories and feelings, how can I best support them?

[Jade 02]

You know mammax that's a good question,because I always thought it was a pretty normal thing,I guess that why the trama comes out as the victim gets older. If it was my friend,I would just sit with her/him show you care,and focus on them,or relate if you do.

 

There are councelers in many countys in many states that,an adult can pay 2 dollars for a session,I lived in like 11 states,and they all had free clinics for medical,and mental or sliding fees.

 

I'd Share,and Pay attention to my friends feelings,and try to give answers,maybe not all the right ones,but at least your friend knows you care,and thats very important,I also agree with you on the counceling,and maybe go with her,on her 1st appointment.

 

You seem like a great friend Bless you mammax

 

jade

[sugarmomma]

Most people that were abused as a child/young adult turn out to be abusers. So first you may want to have some clearly established boundaries as to how you allow yourself to be treated by this person. They don't know how to give and receive love because the messages that they received about love were very distorted. They should be in counseling if the abuse issues still effect them as an adult meaning they are very angry, bitter, distrustful, can't get close to others, substance use, etc. You have to protect yourself and just know that you cannot fix a person like this. I use to be that person and it took a lot of soul searching and years of patterned behavior to figure out what was going on with me.

 

I wish you the best.

[mammax3]

Thanks Jade for your input about being present with my friend.

 

Interesting, Sugarmomma, thanks for that perspective. When you say clear boundaries, what sort are you referring to? What do you think would be an important boundary in this situation?

 

I'm not trying to fix this person, but I would like to support them because I can only imagine that they have a long road ahead of them and having a close friend would be helpful, and I really like them.

 

You mention that you used to be this person, would you say a bit about your experience, please?

[Ronni_W]

mammax3,

This is what an adult who had been abused as a child said she needed from her non-professional support team: "Just say, 'I'm sorry. You did not deserve for that to happen to you. It was not your fault.' "

She had taken responsibility for her own healing, though -- had undergone intensive therapy, and still sees her counselor or goes to group when she feels it necessary.

 

Possibly you will want to ensure that you don't get sucked into a role as a quasi-therapist (where you'd feel obligated to listen and "be there" whenever and however your friend wants/expects.) Without proper training, you would be at risk of becoming completely overwhelmed, depleted and exhausted. Concurrently, you aren't able to give your friend the most appropriate tools for effective healing and reclaiming her/his life.

 

Nor would you want to be the ONLY support for this person -- that can quickly devolve into dependence/codependency.

 

You might try contacting a related agency or women's shelter, and ask how you can best serve your friend, and/or for a list of books and other resources that you might recommend to your friend. Also continue to gently encourage individual therapy.

 

Sending courage, strength and healing for your friend,

and admiration and gratitude for your compassion and caring.

[CarrieT]

Most people that were abused as a child/young adult turn out to be abusers.

 

Wow. That is a really blanket statement and I would dearly love to know where you get such an opinion except that you say you used to be that person.

 

I was also abused, molested, and raped multiple times from the age of 9 on. In all of the support groups I have been in with other victims, very few of us even have the tendencies towards abusing others.

 

I wish you would do some research and back your statement up with some cold hard data as to its validity if you really believe it to be true because, from my experience, many victims do not become abusers whatsoever.

[sugarmomma]

mammax3,

This is what an adult who had been abused as a child said she needed from her non-professional support team: "Just say, 'I'm sorry. You did not deserve for that to happen to you. It was not your fault.' "

She had taken responsibility for her own healing, though -- had undergone intensive therapy, and still sees her counselor or goes to group when she feels it necessary.

 

Possibly you will want to ensure that you don't get sucked into a role as a quasi-therapist (where you'd feel obligated to listen and "be there" whenever and however your friend wants/expects.) Without proper training, you would be at risk of becoming completely overwhelmed, depleted and exhausted. Concurrently, you aren't able to give your friend the most appropriate tools for effective healing and reclaiming her/his life.

 

Nor would you want to be the ONLY support for this person -- that can quickly devolve into dependence/codependency.

 

You might try contacting a related agency or women's shelter, and ask how you can best serve your friend, and/or for a list of books and other resources that you might recommend to your friend. Also continue to gently encourage individual therapy.

 

Sending courage, strength and healing for your friend,

and admiration and gratitude for your compassion and caring.

 

I totally agree with this quote since the OP is not qualified to really give the support that would be needed for a person having experienced such trauma. Professional help would be best.

[sugarmomma]

Thanks Jade for your input about being present with my friend.

 

Interesting, Sugarmomma, thanks for that perspective. When you say clear boundaries, what sort are you referring to? What do you think would be an important boundary in this situation?

 

I'm not trying to fix this person, but I would like to support them because I can only imagine that they have a long road ahead of them and having a close friend would be helpful, and I really like them.

 

You mention that you used to be this person, would you say a bit about your experience, please?

 

 

Boundaries can be emotional, physical etc. What I mean about boundaries is that you have to know what behavior is unacceptable (abuse, dishonesty, mind games, disrespect etc) and what you will do if any of your boundaries are crossed. If this person has abusive tendencies you will definitely want to stay out of the line of fire. I became very angry and abusive after leaving my abuser and it was the only way that I knew to keep people at bay because I had/have issues surrounding intimacy. I know a lot of people personally who have become abusive as a result of being abused, but not necessarily physically or sexually but emotionally, verbally and mentally. Abuse recovery is serious business and without help most people won't recover.

[hoping2heal]

As an adult survivor of child sexual- physical-emotional abuse,

 

I would say first and foremost be very careful. You said they aren't willing to see a counsellor yet, that they are scared. That says a lot about where they are at in the process if they aren't yet at the stage where they will seek help and take responsibility for their healing. This could very possibly become detrimental to you and/or your relationship.

 

I have sought and continue, to seek help for what I've been through. It has helped me tremendously to heal and recover and our relationship has of course been all the better for it. I also have been VERY careful to not make my partner my home therapist. I have other outlets for discussing things in detail, therapy other survivors etc. I don't and have not put him into a "Caretaker" role. I care for myself. I make the choices to persue therapy and do what is necessary to keep myself safe and get healthy.

 

He is supportive by just being there through my toughest times. There are times he's gone out of his way to do certain gestures to show me he is making an effort to understand. That has really been the most helpful to me. I think people think in order to be a supportive partner, you need to go through every little step with them.

 

I have found that is not true- and I believe my relationship benefited from me keeping my healing as a seperate journey that I went through myself- not dragging him along on it with me.

 

This person needs to decide to seek help for themselves and it needs to be something done on their own, without you being the one who sets it up and arranges it for them, etc. Again do NOT assume a caretaker role, it will not do your relationship any favors.

[mammax3]

Thanks everyone.

 

For my own healing process I've read some books on addiction, and codependancy and rigid roles - caretaker is one I identify with from my childhood. It might be easy for me to slip into codependency and familiar roles.

 

It sounds as though, based on input here and my reading, that he will need to seek therapy from a professional, and be careful not to have me being a home therapist. He is more firm in his boundaries than I am, and I suspect that point wouldn't be an issue. I am concerned that he would never seek therapy (although he hasn't said this - I just don't know if he sees what I see in terms of his wounding). What are opinions around a relationship with a person who has deep intimacy and trust issues due to abuse?

 

Hoping2heal - was your partner there before you sought therapy, or after? Perhaps that seems like a redundant point, but I'm curious as to 'why' you started your process and if your partner functioned as a catalyst to some degree.

 

Thanks again for all your sharing and insight.

[sugarmomma]

mammax can you talk a little bit more about what your experience has been like with him? Your OP was kind of vague.

[mammax3]

My friend hasn't expressed a lot to me, but the parts that have been shared sound like he witness domestic violence and neglect. I've read that any abuse has emotional abuse as part of it.

 

It sounds as though there is some PTSD, and a lot of buried pain. This is where I suspect part of the reuctance to get counseling, it must be scary to know it's in there and how big it feels.

 

That's where part of my question lies. But not being his caretaker or his home therapist I can't see much I can do, other than listen and gently suggest a counsellor. I was hoping for some direction there.

 

Thanks again for reading and being interested.

[doushenka]

My dad was abused as a child and thrown out aged fifteen or so. He went from one unstable situation to another (abusive home to streets) to yet another (US Army circa Vietnam). He was already vulnerable when he went to war; now he's got serious PTSD.

 

He has triggers, and if I can avoid them, I will. He understands that being in the world will sometimes set him off; when it does, I make sure he's okay until either the feelings subside or we can get to the doctor. He has done this for me before -- yes, the abused child inadvertently put his daughter in an abusive situation. At least we understand each other and where we're coming from. In fact, because we do and Mum doesn't, we look after each other in this way.

 

What my mum does, as the one who has never experienced any of this, is trust that the doctor is doing his best by my dad, but she also makes sure we're all accountable to each other. She looks things up and learns what she can about the problem. She accepts that she can't fix either of us, but that we won't shut her out when she can help -- and she can help by soothing us when we're in a low place, for example, or listening when we need to talk. Sometimes the act of being a witness to someone else's horrors helps that person heal.

[Eve]

If you've been in a relationship (in any form) with an adult victim of child abuse, what was that like?

 

Thank you.

 

Themes of being transparent to others seem to come up a lot and so just doing normal things can be a huge deal to someone who has had their childhood disturbed as such. Being a friend to someone who has been abused can be draining though, so caution is advised as they come to terms with things. I had to break a friendship in the past because the person began to call me at odd hours in the morning and started to do other things that were innappropriate. We couldnt be friends because she wanted me to be her therapist. So having someone else to talk to outside of their usual circle is helpful beyond words.

 

Best of luck with things.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[hoping2heal]

Thanks everyone.

 

For my own healing process I've read some books on addiction, and codependancy and rigid roles - caretaker is one I identify with from my childhood. It might be easy for me to slip into codependency and familiar roles.

 

It sounds as though, based on input here and my reading, that he will need to seek therapy from a professional, and be careful not to have me being a home therapist. He is more firm in his boundaries than I am, and I suspect that point wouldn't be an issue. I am concerned that he would never seek therapy (although he hasn't said this - I just don't know if he sees what I see in terms of his wounding). What are opinions around a relationship with a person who has deep intimacy and trust issues due to abuse?

 

Hoping2heal - was your partner there before you sought therapy, or after? Perhaps that seems like a redundant point, but I'm curious as to 'why' you started your process and if your partner functioned as a catalyst to some degree.

 

Thanks again for all your sharing and insight.

 

I sought therapy after my partner entered my life. It was never discussed between the two of us as something I should or needed to do; I just realised very early on in our relationship how my unresolved issues were making it dysfunctional and I knew it was time to stop putting off therapy and heal.

 

I made a lot of mistakes early on in that relationship due to both my trust issues and from being a broken person due to everything I suffered. When I sought help I was able to stop the destructive behaviors that were ruining my relationship and be a good partner.

[Trimmer]

Most people that were abused as a child/young adult turn out to be abusers. ...

 

Wow. That is a really blanket statement and I would dearly love to know where you get such an opinion except that you say you used to be that person.

 

I was also abused, molested, and raped multiple times from the age of 9 on. In all of the support groups I have been in with other victims, very few of us even have the tendencies towards abusing others.

 

I wish you would do some research and back your statement up with some cold hard data as to its validity if you really believe it to be true because, from my experience, many victims do not become abusers whatsoever.

 

I expect she's making the common logical mistake of taking the statement "Many/most abusers were abused themselves..." and mistakenly turning it around to "Most who were abused become abusers." The first statement IN NO WAY leads to the second. But that's just my assumption - I'd be open to seeing any credible source information that backs up the statement as written.

[tinktronik]

I sought therapy after my partner entered my life. It was never discussed between the two of us as something I should or needed to do; I just realised very early on in our relationship how my unresolved issues were making it dysfunctional and I knew it was time to stop putting off therapy and heal.

 

I made a lot of mistakes early on in that relationship due to both my trust issues and from being a broken person due to everything I suffered. When I sought help I was able to stop the destructive behaviors that were ruining my relationship and be a good partner.

 

I agree wholly with what you wrote here. As an adult who suffered abuse, neglect and domestic violence as a child, I know it does not completely heal. There are many of my own resulting behaviors that have benefited me as well as led me down roads that were not so beneficial.

 

I do not make solid connections with others, don't get me wrong I have many in my life that I love and respect, but the absolute trust is elusive and most likely impossible. While this is all I really know, it tends to not be enough for my partners or enough to sustain a solid long-term friendship.

 

I tend to dive into whatever it is I'm interested in to the exclusion of others who may need my daily input because I became familiar and comfortable with this as an avoidance tactic I put in place as a child. Because of this I own a growing business driven by my ability to focus so intently.

 

I have no capability to handle emotional outbursts or what I perceive to be emotional neediness. These things frighten me because as a child emotionality often was followed by violence.

 

Oftentimes I have no expectations of others. While many abuse victims will fall back into the familiar pattern, I tend to hold no expectations at all for the standard of behavior of those around me. I don't expect anything from them. I don't need anything from them. And if they make me uncomfortable in any way I bolt. I don't understand where the line lies between a friend relying on me to be a sounding board for frustration or a tinge of bitc*y-ness and a more unacceptable behavior and I tend to distance [often times permanently] myself in either event.

 

My outlook is skewed toward a plan for and expect the worst approach. It makes it difficult to see the joy in everyday occurrence.

 

There is so much more but these are the things I can hit on at the moment.

[mammax3]

Thank you, to all of you.

 

I'm beginning to get a picture of how some people who were abused may carry that mistrust and pain into their adulthoods. It sounds important to realize that if I'm being pushed away that it's less about me and more about trust? But to remember that I have feelings and needs too, and not to get drained or hurt in the process of supporting someone.

 

It would be ideal (imo) for my friend to get some professional help. I hope that, like hoping2heal, he will see that this might be a good path for him.

 

Tinktronik, thank you for sharing how you feel about others around you. My friend sounds similar to you - emotional neediness and emotional outbursts (or anything resembling blame or raised voices) is very problematic, but I couldn't quite understand why. The way you expressed it sheds some light.