Commitmentphobes - do they come back, and can they get better?

[Catseye8]

Background - boyfriend of just over a year broke up with me a few weeks ago. For most of our relationship, everything was absolutely fantastic - we were totally in love, planning for the future (not in any 'let's get married tomorrow!' way, but in a 'when we have kids one day…' way). The honeymoon period faded, as honeymoon periods do, but stuff stayed great. It was so happy and drama-free, and he kept telling me I was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

 

However. The man has some issues. Some of these come from traumatic childhood situations (I don't know too many of the details, but from what I do know plus the fact that he has 'Adult Child Of Alcoholic' pretty much stamped on his forehead in huge glowing letters, it wasn't good). Plus, the year before we got together he lost two people very close to him to illness, and this plunged him into a nasty depression that (in his words) turned him into a person he didn't like and didn't want to be. Still, our relationship was happy. One problem… we made some tenuous plans to live together (on his suggestion!), and then when they started getting more concrete, he backed out. We argued - I wasn't so annoyed about him changing his mind, so much as the strange way he was reacting to it, denying he'd said things he'd said only a few weeks before and getting incredibly snappy and defensive about the effect it was having on me (I'd made lease arrangements based on our plans) - but made up. I thought the situation was weird, but didn't think any more of it than that.

 

And everything went along fine. We got closer, got to know each other better, relationship was fantastic in so many ways. Until a few months ago, right after the anniversary of his father's death, when he just started to change. It looks like depression in retrospect, which makes sense, but at the time I was just too blindsided by the way he was treating me to see it. He became withdrawn, selfish, didn't want to talk about things - and at the same time, started to get really terrified I'd 'come to my senses' and leave him (he'd always done a bit of this, but never so much). He did things that seemed almost like he was trying to sabotage the relationship (flirting with other girls somewhere he knew I'd find out about it), and then panicked when I confronted him and begged me not to go. We'd made more plans to move in together (again, his idea) - he backed out of those at the last minute, too, just saying he 'wasn't ready yet'. He said he wanted a break, I talked him out of it, he clung to me sobbing and thanked me for staying with him 'when I'm such a bastard'… I didn't understand his behaviour at all.

 

But he said he was going to work on it, and he did for a while. Or at least he tried to. He said he felt irrationally scared at the idea of us moving in together, and he was going to do a lot of thinking and get to the bottom of that. He said he appreciated how selfish he was being, and he'd work out why and put a stop to that too. He said he wanted to move in together in six months; I said that was fine, but that I was putting my foot down, and any more ****ty behaviour or any more backing out on the moving-in idea, and I was gone. He said that was totally reasonable and he understood. But, no - and when he started to panic about it again, he dumped me.

 

He was in tears. He said he realised now that there was something broken inside him - that he so, so much wanted his life to change, he wanted to get married and have children, but something inside him just made him panic and run and he didn't know why. He said things like moving in together felt like he was giving away part of himself (wtf?), and he knew that wasn't right. He said he'd been avoiding dealing with this for years and thought he'd finally got over it in this relationship, but now he saw he hadn't, and now he needed to get help and see a counsellor and fix it 'once and for all'. He said he loved me so much and he couldn't stand hurting me any more, but he knew until he was fixed he'd just do it again and again, so he knew he needed to go away and be on his own and have 'no connections to anybody' while he sorted this out. And he left me in a haze of mixed signals - 'I love you but I can't be with you but I hope we can be back together in the future but I can't handle adult relationships now but I'll probably come crawling back but you should tell me to go to hell if I do!' - and walked away.

 

I am heartbroken. I have cried every day since he left. We talked briefly and agreed that this wasn't necessarily permanent, that this was just time and space apart we need for now and that we'd talk about getting back together in the future, but he's been acting eccentrically since - my suggestion of light contact by email turned into him emailing me five times a day (I toned that right down), he dragged his feet like crazy over returning my stuff. I suggested we meet to talk in person, and he sent me a really snappy reply saying he wasn't ready yet, followed two days later by a happy photo email of him and his family at Christmas, the sort of thing that was totally normal when we were together but is a bit weird now. I've gone NC since then for my own sanity, and he hasn't contacted me either.

 

I miss him like crazy. I miss the fantastic relationship we had, and I don't know how he could bear to throw that away. I know I can't fix him, but I don't even know if this is the sort of thing that a professional could fix, if he does see one rather than run away from that too. And now I've read a lot online about commitment phobia, I know that a lot of them do return a while after a breakup full of happiness and promises - I so want him back if he's dealing with his problems, but I can't stand to go through this hell again if he's not.

 

So: do people like this get better, if they seek professional help? Might he come back, or is he likely to change his mind and declare it permanent? And does anyone have any suggestions for keeping myself sane and stopping myself from crying all the time?

[DustySaltus]

So: do people like this get better, if they seek professional help? Might he come back, or is he likely to change his mind and declare it permanent? And does anyone have any suggestions for keeping myself sane and stopping myself from crying all the time?

 

i'm sure he'll come back at some point but it will probably when you have a different mindset on what you want. That's how it always happens. I remember after I had broken up with an old ex I reconnected with a high school sweetheart who was completely in love with me. It was a rebound situatuon for me and I didn't appreciate her like I should have. Only a few years later when I realized what I really needed in my life did I get in contact with her. She told me to NEVER contact her again.

 

I wasn't a bad guy to her. I wasn't an alcoholic or drug abuser or came from a broken home. I just wasn't appreciative of what i had at the time and that's part of growing up. But i'll never make that mistake again and I learned from it.

 

If he's willing to get help and he learns about what is important anything is possible. But who's to say that a couple of months or years down the line the same thing won't repeat itself? You have a choice: go through the pain once or maybe go through it a few more times down the line, even after a reconciliation.

 

As far as keeping yourself sane you need to understand that you did nothing wrong. If someone has their own personal problems they need to resolve it themselves before they could ever be ready for someone else. Sure, you can be at their side but you can't take the wheel. They have to do that themselves. It is not your job to control other people's feelings. Your job is to be the best person you can be for yourself. If you do that, i promise you everything else will fall into place.

Edited January 3, 2010 by DustySaltus

[D-Lish]

Well yes- they do come back, sometimes often if you let them.

Do they change? Not normally, at least not without professional help.

 

Do take DS's advice and realize that this is his problem and has nothing to do with you.

[Catseye8]

Can even professional help do it, though? I'm sure he was genuine about knowing he needed that (whether he'll follow through with getting it is another issue, of course), but this whole issue is so strange to me that I can't even come close to understanding it. I've been fairly relationship-shy in my younger days, sure, but I've never broken off a serious relationship that I wanted just because something about the seriousness freaked me out. That just seems... not right.

 

I'm doing my best to remind myself that it is Not My Problem, and that it's nothing I can or should fix either. But, man, this whole thing has torn my heart out. I keep going back over the whole relationship with a fine-toothed comb looking for things I should've spotted, or thinking 'If only I'd asked him a few more questions about his childhood, maybe he'd have realised he needed help earlier'... but no, it's no use. Rationally I know that; emotionally it's a lot harder!

[D-Lish]

There is absolutely nothing you could have done to change the outcome, nothing at all.

 

Even if he got professional help, it isn't a problem that he'd resolve over night. It's a long arduous process, which ironically requires commitment.

 

I can tell you from experience that they often do come back- they just rarely stay.

[DustySaltus]

It's not your fault. You can't keep rehashing past things and think to yourself that if you did one more thing here and didn't do something else that everything would be fine. Again, because it's not your fault.

[threebyfate]

You know you can't fix him and yet, you want to, since if he comes back, that would make him the right man for you.

 

What you need to do is to change your perception. Potential in someone means dick, since they have to want to change for themselves without dragging you down with them in the process. Is he the right man for you right now? Your answer should be "no, he's not the right man for me".

 

Btw, CPs are horrific when it comes to rubberbanding. They keep coming back because they want someone to care about them. They don't want to be invisible. But doing this is detrimental to your emotional well-being, so it's up to you to put your foot down and say, no thanks, go fix yourself permanently, first, and then, if I'm single, we can possibly talk.

[Catseye8]

Ah, I half-wish I'd never met him. The first 90% of that relationship was absolutely the best one I've ever had, but now I can't even remember the good times without crying.

 

I keep getting the urge to call him up and yell at him and let him know just how upset I am and just what this has done to me. So far I'm resisting it, though - I don't think it would help me at all, and I think it's far better for me emotionally just to keep my distance from him right now. If he wants to think I'm not upset and that my life's fine and dandy, that's his issue. (And yet, he keeps reading my blog and my Twitter account, and he seemed hurt when I deleted him on Facebook and turned down his invitation to read his blog. Dude, you broke up with me, the internet is not immune from that, sheesh...)

 

Really, I just don't get what his problem is. I can put a name on it but that's hardly the same! He's in his early 30s and did tell me at the beginning of the relationship that he'd grown up a lot over the past couple of years, realised what the important things in life were, and decided he wanted to settle down and have the kind of relationship he wanted as an adult. (He had decent relationships before, but I don't think long-term plans were ever really in the picture.) But how does it make any kind of sense to want commitment and stability and intimacy and long-term partnership, want it all so badly that you're curled up sobbing in tears because you're sabotaging your chance at it, and yet still run away from it as soon as it comes close? What in the world is he scared of?

Edited January 3, 2010 by Catseye8

[threebyfate]

He fears loss of control.

[adamt]

i wonder if my ex was a commitmentphobe. she is 36 and before me she hadnt been out with anyone longer than 2 years. we went out for 3 years. 2.5 years were great. we were looking to buy a house together. her mom was terminally ill and passed away and not long after she dumped me. she changed a lot in the last 6 months, lost weight and started going out more and drinking, before she liked staying in and didnt drink much. I can relate the the OP when they said "He became withdrawn, selfish, didn't want to talk about things" .7 months on she just seems to want to go out and just have herself to worry about and i dont think she is interested in a relationship and doesnt sleep around. she seems to spend a lot of weekend visiting old friends. maybe i didnt do anything particularly wrong to e d the relationship and the path was already set and she was just more argumentative to get me to break up with her.

[westrock]

Really, I just don't get what his problem is. .... But how does it make any kind of sense to want commitment and stability and intimacy and long-term partnership, want it all so badly that you're curled up sobbing in tears because you're sabotaging your chance at it, and yet still run away from it as soon as it comes close? What in the world is he scared of?

 

He is scared of being abandoned and of being suffocated.

 

People like your b/f will oscillate along a spectrum between two extremes: Abandonment <--> Suffocation. When he feels abandoned he will pursue you. However, as he gets closer to you emotionally, he will begin to feel suffocated and will push you away.

 

If you read up on pursuer-distancer (or push-pull) relationships, you will learn why your b/f acts the way he does. My understanding is that people who act like your b/f have issues that stem from their childhoold and having being caught in the middle of their parents' dysfunctional relationship.

 

If one parent was distant/cold/neglectful to the other parent, the parent feeling neglected may have become needy and instead of turning to the distant partner for emotional support, they instead used the child as a replacement for emotional support. This usually manifests itself by the neglected parent showering the child with excessive attention in an attempt to satisfy their own emotional needs. However, it is impossible for a child to satisfy the emotional needs of a neglected parent, and as a result the child develops some wrongs beliefs that affect them into adulthood.

 

All children need emotional attention from their parents, but if it is too little (from the distant parent) the child feels abandoned and if it is too much (from the neglected parent) the child becomes suffocated emotionally. Since the child doesn't know any better, at times they strive to gain the attention of the distant parent, but at the same time being unable to satisfy the neglected parent's emotional needs, the child starts to become annoyed at the lack of attention from the distant parent and at all the excessive attention they are receiving from the neglected parent. All of this sends conflicting messages to a child about relationships.

 

In an attempt to satisfy both parents, the child focuses more and more on trying to be "perfect", all without success, and the child eventually begins to believe that they cannot satisfy either parent, and eventually the child sees themselves as inadequate in meeting the emotional needs of another person.

 

Since all attempts by the child fail the child begins to see the neglected needy parent's constant needy behavior as actually being instrusive and controlling and the child then learns to keep people who show them excessive attention at a distance. In this way the child tries to control situations to prevent anyone from giving them too much or too little attention.

 

Unfortunately, when the child grows up and enters romantic relationships, their internal conflicts cause them problems. On the one hand, they want a loving relationship for times when they feel alone/abandoned (that's why he keeps checking your FB and Twitter and suggested moving in), but as soon as the relationship gets close emotionally, their fears of suffocation start to rise up and they panic and they push their partner away until the cycle starts again.

 

Since these beliefs are so deep rooted, you cannot fix him. Even he cannot easily fix them. He needs professional counselling to deal with his past.

 

If this is a relationship you want to be involved in, your challenge will be to ensure you put into place boundaries to ensure that the relationship does not get too close too fast or that it gets too distant. Not an easy task. When he comes around again and shows interest in you, set up a boundary that you will not get involved unless he first seeks professional counselling.

[Catseye8]

the parent feeling neglected may have become needy and instead of turning to the distant partner for emotional support, they instead used the child as a replacement for emotional support. This usually manifests itself by the neglected parent showering the child with excessive attention in an attempt to satisfy their own emotional needs.

 

Wow. I can only assume you've met his mother, because: uncanny. Also, she is still doing this now he's an adult, and has got significantly worse since his father's death. I do like her as a person, but dear Lord woman let your grown son live his own life! Of course, he's never said no to her, which does not help.

 

It is actually really comforting to know that his problems stem from things that have nothing to do with me and predate our relationship. I will keep reminding myself of this every time the little voice inside my head starts whispering that if I'd only done such-and-such maybe this wouldn't have happened. (Very grateful to all the kind folks who've posted here to make that clear to me, too!)

 

Since these beliefs are so deep rooted, you cannot fix him. Even he cannot easily fix them. He needs professional counselling to deal with his past.

 

Do you know if professional counselling has any decent success rate at fixing issues like this, for people who are prepared to go through it? I'm taking some vague hope from the fact that he realises that his thought processes re: relationships are seriously messed up, that it's making his life unhappy, and that he needs to fix it. But if getting help just turns him into a slightly more eloquent messed-up commitmentphobe, well... I love him, but I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with annual freakouts.

[You'reasian]

Ah, I half-wish I'd never met him. The first 90% of that relationship was absolutely the best one I've ever had, but now I can't even remember the good times without crying.

 

I keep getting the urge to call him up and yell at him and let him know just how upset I am and just what this has done to me. So far I'm resisting it, though - I don't think it would help me at all, and I think it's far better for me emotionally just to keep my distance from him right now. If he wants to think I'm not upset and that my life's fine and dandy, that's his issue. (And yet, he keeps reading my blog and my Twitter account, and he seemed hurt when I deleted him on Facebook and turned down his invitation to read his blog. Dude, you broke up with me, the internet is not immune from that, sheesh...)

 

Really, I just don't get what his problem is. I can put a name on it but that's hardly the same! He's in his early 30s and did tell me at the beginning of the relationship that he'd grown up a lot over the past couple of years, realised what the important things in life were, and decided he wanted to settle down and have the kind of relationship he wanted as an adult. (He had decent relationships before, but I don't think long-term plans were ever really in the picture.) But how does it make any kind of sense to want commitment and stability and intimacy and long-term partnership, want it all so badly that you're curled up sobbing in tears because you're sabotaging your chance at it, and yet still run away from it as soon as it comes close? What in the world is he scared of?

 

Curled up and sobbing in tears is a bit dramatic, I think. I think the two of you should keep some distance and maintain a dialog, but wait until something works out.

 

I was in a relationship with someone not so long ago, so I totally understand - then went out on a date shortly with someone really cool recently and it was just a great experience - perhaps the two of you should move on and keep it as friends?

[Quest]

 

 

Do you know if professional counselling has any decent success rate at fixing issues like this, for people who are prepared to go through it? I'm taking some vague hope from the fact that he realises that his thought processes re: relationships are seriously messed up, that it's making his life unhappy, and that he needs to fix it. But if getting help just turns him into a slightly more eloquent messed-up commitmentphobe, well... I love him, but I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with annual freakouts.

 

Professional counselling works when someone really wants it to and is prepared to put time, effort and (usually) money into the process. I know of one guy who went to counselling in the first year of marriage because he recognised that he wasn't making a good job of it. He sincerely wanted it to work and to learn ... and he did - things are now back on track for him and his wife.

 

As far as commitmentphobes go, IME they do change eventually, but over a long period of time and not within a relationship. Eventually most commitmentphobes get to the point where they can see the value in commitment and want to make one. At this point they 'take the plunge' ... A relationship can be great on many levels but if one person isn't at the right level of maturity to make a commitment then it isn't going to work. It's very frustrating not to mention heartbreaking to be in a situation like this if you're the one ready to commit but really the best thing you can do is try and move on and meet someone who wants the same thing as you do - a committed relationship.

[You'reasian]

Wow. I can only assume you've met his mother, because: uncanny. Also, she is still doing this now he's an adult, and has got significantly worse since his father's death. I do like her as a person, but dear Lord woman let your grown son live his own life! Of course, he's never said no to her, which does not help.

 

It is actually really comforting to know that his problems stem from things that have nothing to do with me and predate our relationship. I will keep reminding myself of this every time the little voice inside my head starts whispering that if I'd only done such-and-such maybe this wouldn't have happened. (Very grateful to all the kind folks who've posted here to make that clear to me, too!)

 

Do you know if professional counselling has any decent success rate at fixing issues like this, for people who are prepared to go through it? I'm taking some vague hope from the fact that he realises that his thought processes re: relationships are seriously messed up, that it's making his life unhappy, and that he needs to fix it. But if getting help just turns him into a slightly more eloquent messed-up commitmentphobe, well... I love him, but I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with annual freakouts.

 

I would gently walk away from this if I were you. Probably the best course of action.

[TheLoneSock]

So: do people like this get better, if they seek professional help? Might he come back, or is he likely to change his mind and declare it permanent? And does anyone have any suggestions for keeping myself sane and stopping myself from crying all the time?

 

Yes, they do change sometimes. With or without professional help (most of the time without, most people cannot afford therapy). Sometimes the period of commitment phobia is brief, and just a phase. Sometimes it is prolonged into later stages in life, sometimes it is permanent. There is no sure answer to your questions. Treating it like an illness though, is stupid. Talking about people 'getting better' as if it's some mental condition is ridiculous. It's just a matter of their personal preference. Not a disease.

[Catseye8]

It's just a matter of their personal preference.

 

Here I wouldn't agree. 'I don't want to settle down and get married' is personal preference; 'I'm not interested in a committed relationship, so keep your distance' is personal preference. (Hey, been there.) 'I'm making myself hugely miserable because the things I want freak me out and I don't know why' isn't preference - it's something going wrong somewhere in your head.

[TheLoneSock]

Here I wouldn't agree. 'I don't want to settle down and get married' is personal preference; 'I'm not interested in a committed relationship, so keep your distance' is personal preference. (Hey, been there.) 'I'm making myself hugely miserable because the things I want freak me out and I don't know why' isn't preference - it's something going wrong somewhere in your head.

 

Lol ok, you can define and classify it in your own way all you want.

 

Fact is though, a guy will commit for the right woman, even if he's afraid of commitment.

[Catseye8]

Hey, I've been the girl who was afraid of commitment before. And I dropped it for the right guy, who came along at the right time in my life. Not wanting commitment is a pretty common human trait.

 

But, y'know, it never made me repeatedly curl up in a ball and sob that I was broken and needed professional help. When you're doing that on a regular basis, you kind of need to speak to somebody, in my humble non-medical opinion.

[You'reasian]

Hey, I've been the girl who was afraid of commitment before. And I dropped it for the right guy, who came along at the right time in my life. Not wanting commitment is a pretty common human trait. .

 

It may be, but not everywhere in the world. Women from other countries are sought after because of their partnership capabilities.

 

But, y'know, it never made me repeatedly curl up in a ball and sob that I was broken and needed professional help. When you're doing that on a regular basis, you kind of need to speak to somebody, in my humble non-medical opinion.

 

I agree with this. I'd back away from this guy - sorry, but no person is worth this behavior.

[You'reasian]

Fact is though, a guy will commit for the right woman, even if he's afraid of commitment.

 

Yep. I'm not afraid of committing - rather I tend to push the wrong women away somehow...