AnotherJezebel Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Hi, I'm new to this forum and have been seeing a married man for coming on two years. I did not know he was married until six months into the relationship. We live a bit of a way from each other. There is so much I want to say as I have never spoken with anyone about my situation. I don't even know if what I am feeling is normal any more. There have been promises of divorce but obstacles come up. I know nothing of his personal life, I only know where he lives because of the internet, not any information he was willing to give up. Same with his job. He has spent the night with me twice in the last year and another milestone is coming up. Supposedly, his check from the loan company is coming (yeah, yeah, the check's in the mail) through from debt consolidation and then he will file for divorce. The other two instances were legitimate. His wife suffered a back injury and then her brother died. I do know these to be true. He comes to my house twice a week and spends much time working with me doing restoration and repair, one of the things we have in common. It's always the same two days. We never go out, only once in two years to some diner. He is not as interested in sex as he once was. Now it is only once, not each time. He also has lost his creativity in bed. We talk each morning on the internet and he calls me additionally at least three times a day. He truly is a wonderful man and treats me well. We have much more in common than sex and home repair. However, I have no control over when we speak, when we see each other, or what we do. I can only reach him through his cell phone. I understand much is at stake for him if his wife were to find out, but he just seems to keep things from me. I used to believe it was so I wouldn't be hurt but I'm starting to wonder. Thank you for letting me speak. Although it is incoherent and incomplete, it feels good to put these words to print so that I might get some feedback. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
steveb Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Just keep this in the back of your head: He will cheat on you as he cheated on his wife. I know divoce can take a while, but he hasn't even filed for it yet????? Note: I am currently biting my tongue concerning my thoughts on aldultery and "the other woman". Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Thousands of women before you have wasted years of their lives believing in the divorces that never happen. Thousands of women before you have settled for a few crumbs instead of a full relationship. All would tell you to drop him and get yourself your very own full-time relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
steveb Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 All would tell you to drop him and get yourself your very own full-time relationship. And not with someone already in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
AllyKat Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 He is lying to you...he is lying to his wife! WHY WHY WHY would you want a married man? You have NO control in this relationship. Reading your thread was like watching the classic movies where he promises he is leaving her...but he doesnt. HE WONT. Have someone who is proud to be with you. Please leave this loser alone, like was said before, he will eventually cheat on you, if he doesnt already have MORE women that you and his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherJezebel Posted December 24, 2003 Author Share Posted December 24, 2003 Forgive me. I was under the impression that is was a support forum and not an area where people enter on their high horses with snap judgements and no questions asked. Happy holidays. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Forgive me. I was under the impression that is was a support forum and not an area where people enter on their high horses with snap judgements and no questions asked. Happy holidays. AnotherJezebel, I am an "other man" so let me help. Your post very well expressed the loneliness , helplessness and frustration of being the other woman. I sense that you want more, much more, from your lover of two years, but that things, while comfortable (mostly for him), are growing somewhat stale and claustrophobic. I also suspect that you are questioning the quality and future of this relationship-- as you should from your candid and well expressed description of this house bound relationship with its many limitations. Although you love one another, love does not conquer all. Love does not necessarily triumph. Being brutally realistic, you are his mistress. That's not necessarily a bad thing for you. It depends on your expectations. Expectations must roughly be in synch for relationships to have a chance. From your heart rending post, I sense that your expectations for this love affair are greater than his. He seems content with home repair and sex once a week with you while he carries on his other, normal life with his wife and family. While this division of labor may have been tolerable early in your affair, I believe you are running out of patience. His bread crumbs are no longer enough to sustain you or this relationship. What might you do? First, there's the ultimatum: leave the family or else. That would put his feet to the flame but if he calls your bluff... Second, you can demand to go out on more dates and enjoy the outside world like most lovers do. Now, it sounds as if your both under a form of house arrest. Last, you can limp along and become increasingly frustrated and resentful of this very unbalanced relationship. In short, you can choose to waste more of your precious years waiting for him. It's your choice. I don't condemn you. I also apologize for the tone of some of the posts. Nothing, and I mean, nothing, brings out the judgmental harshness of LS folk as a post by a self-confessed other man or other woman. We are viewed by some, not all, as moral scum. Such is life and a small price to pay for advice and support. So stick around. Last, you may want to change your screen name to something less inflammatory. Because from the sensitivity and insight of your post you're more than simply another "Jezebel." Link to post Share on other sites
Passby Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Originally posted by AnotherJezebel Forgive me. I was under the impression that is was a support forum and not an area where people enter on their high horses with snap judgements and no questions asked. Happy holidays. I believe people have given you the best advices they could: leave him. If you are expecting to get strategies about how to make him leave his wife for you, you wont get it here, not because people are not willing to give you, because they are not able to. You can read other threads, so far we don't see any other women successfully made their married lovers leave the wives for them. Kismet may be the promising one. If she does proceed, then, you may learn from her. Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Hey there... Don't be too bugged by what we say. Once you get into the theme of things you'll find that everybody who participates regularly has something good to say. The advice we give sometimes just shoots out because of personal experience. I thank god for this site because to me its kinda like sittin' around talking about what bugs you with people who give a darn about it. We all try to help. Remember this is cyberspace. Who knows who? I usually trust the advice if two or three people are on the same wavelength. Again...try to look at the whole picture here with an open mind. No one here is profane, (at least on line, ha! ha!) no one "goes off" for no reason, it's just a cool thing. Relax. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Again...try to look at the whole picture here with an open mind. No one here is profane, (at least on line, ha! ha!) no one "goes off" for no reason, it's just a cool thing. Relax. Well said, mjk. And if you want to speak to any of us privately, you can always private message that person. Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Well... I've never PM'd anybody yet. How does everyone feel about that? Do most people want the "vague" factor? Me? I could care less...nothin' to hide. I just can't type above 20 wpm. lol! I'm a lefty tried to learn typing in high school. They called me the "woodpecker"! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Jezebel - It's really up to you to decide what you will settle for. If some people seemed to assume too much - well, spend a little time here at LS and you will find you can almost write the "Other Woman" posts from a template. I believe our advice is worth something, because we have seen the same patterns over and over again. And you know...I use to think this was a marital fidelity problem, but know I really see it as a problem with selfishness and using other people. He truly is a wonderful man and treats me well...I have no control over when we speak, when we see each other, or what we do. I can only reach him through his cell phone. These statements are contradictory. My feedback for you is that he does NOT treat you well. He has manipulated you into a truncated, unsatisfying, claustrophobic way of living through his self-serving lies. I understand much is at stake for him if his wife were to find out... What exactly is at stake for him? Basically, he would not have his cozy little two-timing arrangement with two women dancing to his tune. When he wants to unload some feelings...he calls you. When he wants to get away from his wife...he visits you. And even there, it seems he's running out of gas as a lover. Sheesh, I would hope that with all the downsides of a "secret affair", there's at least be some hot sex. Instead, you have a bozo dropping by boring you silly. When do you get a chance to have YOUR needs met? Wouldn't it be great to go out to eat, as a couple, in a nice restaurant, maybe even with (gasp) FRIENDS? Wouldn't it be nice to talk to your man when YOU want to, or even spend the whole weekend with him? Wouldn't it be great to be in a relationship that was a two-way street? Don't you deserve that? ...but he just seems to keep things from me. Yeah, because if you knew the truth about his marriage, his life, and his true intentions towards you, you'd nail his nut sack to a bridge and send him "bungee jumping"! Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Especially on the infidelity threads I'm frequently PMed by "other women" who are afraid of being flamed if they post. That does happen, mjk. I'm sure the preference is to keep matters open but , as we saw with AnotherJezebel, it sometimes gets rough out in the open. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Yeah, because if you knew the truth about his marriage, his life, and his true intentions towards you, you'd nail his nut sack to a bridge and send him "bungee jumping"! lol!!! You have a way with words, SoulMate! Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Hail, Hail to SoleMate, What she is saying is TRUE. You have made a very expensive "investment' into this relationship. Why keep on feeling like second choice? Give the guy an ultimatum...Me or the highway. He knows where that is, comin' by that is when he wants to. Oh Yeah...thanks bark. Wasn't sure about that one! Anyway... I think we should throw it out on the table. What's to lose?. Sure feelings get hurt. Embarrassment happens. But... Don't think that friends and family might be too close sometimes? Or, maybe you've burned them out on the whole thing. Also, look at it from an objective, not destuctive POV. Link to post Share on other sites
AllyKat Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 I think you want me to tell you what you WANT to hear. I wont. You do not like what we are telling you, because we arent telling you, you are right. I havent read anything in any of these posts that should upset you. You need to understand, regardless, what is going on is NOT right. Im sorry if you cant handle the truth. He will NOT leave his wife and if he does, why would you ever trust him to not do the same to you? If any, I think you need to sit and realize what is going on. Im sorry if you view this as mean, its the raw truth. You need to take a good look inside yourself. Would you want your husband having a mistress? I doubt that. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 it depends. dating a married man gives you a lot of freedom yet provides you with consistent attention, sex, whatever else - and if that's what you want, cool. but if you're hoping he'll get a divorce, listen to the others! if he hasn't divorced in two years, cmon, what are the chances?... good luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Summerday Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 I'll bet you'll be okay without this man in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Forgive me. I was under the impression that is was a support forum and not an area where people enter on their high horses with snap judgements and no questions asked. Happy holidays. How do you best support your friend when you see him running for the edge of a cliff? Do you remove all the obstacles so that he can jump over and encourage him to jump, or do you warn him as strongly as you possibly can that he's headed for disaster? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 OK, let me try to write a supportive post to the other woman. PLEASE NOTE: This is not for you specifically, Jezebel, it is for all the OTHER Other Women. Honey, you just need to be brave. Your guy is going through some rough times, married against his will to that she-devil with whom he has never had one minute of satisfying feelings, but I know that he will come through for you. If it seems like he's lying or hiding things, he's really just doing it to protect you because he loves you so much. Sure, he never told you he was married - in fact, he hid it for six months and you only found out accidentally - but that is because he wanted to keep from hurting you. In fact, you are his one and only soulmate. It may sometimes seem that he's delaying that long-promised divorce, but he's really had a string of problems that have suddenly cropped up that prevented him from leaving her or filing the papers. Yes, his dog really did get sick and needed expensive treatment at the vet, and then he didn't want to spoil his kid's birthday party or the holidays. His bitch wife threw out her back, and then he was swamped with projects at work. When things settle down, he WILL get a divorce. And on to that wife of his...they never loved each other, he was actually forced to marry her at gunpoint. He has never said "I love you" to her, and the last time they touched each other was in 1986. She just wants him for the money or the house or the status, because that's the kind of shallow, evil person she is. In fact, she is a psychotic serial killer who decapitates pet rabbits and kittens in her backyard, laughing maniacally all the while. That's why your man chose her as the mother of his children and pledged eternal faithfulness to her in front of all their family and friends. You are the one he truly loves. How do you know? Why, because he TOLD you so. You are the most beautiful, perfect woman and lover he has ever encountered and he loves and admires you madly. If you were to leave him, he would be so heartbroken that he would be technically "faithful" to his wife for AT LEAST a month! ('Cause it does take a while to find another sweetie who will buy the same old tired story.) Hang on for as long as it takes. The more he controls you, the more he proves his love. Ten years is not too long. Wait twenty years and then he will at last be yours. Oh, don't worry that if he finally gets that divorce, he'll be off to fresher pastures. That never happens. He will surely be true to you because you have been true to him. Be confident in his words and in his love, because this is a man who would never lie to you. He told you so, after all. Link to post Share on other sites
AllyKat Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Enough said! Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 SoulMate, what a great post!!! You're killing me. I just hope Jez is listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Hey folks don't jump on me now... I am not supporting Jezzies situation..It is clearly destructive to the ladies involved....But to say that married men NEVER leave their wives for the OW is a generalization. Jezebel, I am not supporting this relationship with this guy because he sounds selfish and doesn't give a sh*t about you or his wife. I personally know someone who "stole" a married man away from his wife. He has 3 children. They are now married working on child # 2, so this gal has 5 kids between them. Just go to some internet sites on infidelity...there are alot of posts, sorry ,heart-breaking stories of men and women who DID leave.... Never say never about most things ..However, it is wise to heed the advice of these folks because if he hasn't left by now, he probably won't....The gal who snagged the guy away did so in an 8 month period, sort of with his wife's blessings, because she was unhappy too, according to what I've been told. Every situation is different....But. What I want to know is why you would accept being second to anyone... You deserve to be the one and only in someone's life and in your own. Make your New Years' resolution to end being jerked around .... Good Luck with this. Link to post Share on other sites
AllyKat Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Yeah they do leave sometimes. But, look, this guy has excuses...many of them for NOT leaving. Sometimes they do leave, only to cheat again on you. If he were so wonderful, why is he still leading his wife on? Im sorry but why take seconds? Why break up a family? I dont understand it at all. So stay, it doesnt really matter to me. All I know is you better hope she isnt crazy, cause sometimes when you screw with another womans man, you live to regret it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 25, 2003 Share Posted December 25, 2003 Unfortunately, apparently the survival statistics for relationships with arise out of affairs are pretty grim. The 'soulmate' and 'love of your life' suddenly becomes human when you have to deal with him or her 24/7. People can look wonderful and fabulous and ideal - as long as you don't live with them. Link to post Share on other sites
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