New to the forum. I'm the other woman.

[AnotherJezebel]

I turned to this forum because I had nowhere else to go. God bless those of you who have never been faced with a moral dilemma or those of you that are strong enough to listen to your head and not your heart. I will not defend my situation, it exists, I am here.

 

Don't you know that I know I should leave him? Don't you know that if I don't leave him, he will leave me or cheat on me or lie to me? Don't you know that this relationship is doomed because it cannot be based on trust? It took me six months to find out he was married. That means at least six months of lies. Do I now magicaly believe all that he says is true?

 

In the rest of my life, I am an independent woman with a fulfilling profession, varying interests, many talents, a fierce love for the abused animals I adopt and an undying desire to learn (yeah, I know, that one is going to leave me open to many punches). And dammit, I know I should not be where I am but my heart won't let go. I must admit, I was very shaken by many of the comments made.

 

I've made a mistake turning here for a sympathetic ear. I came here because I refuse to waste more than two years on this relationship. I will not continue this after the New Year and I will not give him an ultimatum. It will just be over. That is when I would need the support of those who understand the desparate loneliness that comes with the loss of anyone so important in your life.

 

I wish all of you the happiest of holidays and thank you all for your time and good intentions.

[moimeme]

Congratulations, then, on your courageous decision. This is certainly a place where people come to grieve losses and you'll find many, many people in that situation. It likely would have been a good idea to mention that you were planning to change the situation since, clearly, people (including myself) felt that was the first order of business.

 

Now that is on the table, of course people understand loss. What you've lost most is trust, too, and that can be dreadful. From my own experiences of broken (in different circumstances) relationships, one of the very difficult thoughts to face is the idea that you could be that badly deceived and not realize it. It makes you doubt yourself - or at least it did me - and that, too, is very painful.

[bark]

That is when I would need the support of those who understand the desparate loneliness that comes with the loss of anyone so important in your life.

 

The biggest fallacy one sees is the narrow minded belief that because a relationship is extramarital one does not acutely feel the heartache of endings and grief, or that one does not merit empathy and compassion. One does, I know. Pain is pain and loss is loss regardless of the moral legitimacy of a relationship.

 

So Jezebel come back to LS if you're in need of a sympathetic ear. There are those of us here who understand and do not limit our empathy and compassion to so-called sanctioned relationships.

[Arabess]

You can look in the mirror and see where you are WAY overwieght. You know you look fat, feel fat and you are miserable as hell. You sure wish you could turn back time and change the bad eating habit. You even VOW to go on a diet. But then.....there is that chocolate cake. You don't WANT to eat it...but as you keep being called a "Fattie"...you feel all alone....and all you do is dwell more on how much you want that cake.

 

....till you walk a mile in someone's elses shoes........

[bark]

.till you walk a mile in someone's elses shoes.

 

Poetic, Arabess. I want to wish my favorite Republican (or at least I think you are) on LS a very Merry Christmas.

[Arabess]

Ahhhh Bark....WHEREVER did you get the idea I was a die hard Republican??? Was it that silly thread where I admitted I have an autographed copy of Dubya on my bedroom dresser....or all the other arguments I've made?

You BET baby.....I'm a pachyderm ALL THE WAY!!!!!

 

Merry Christmas to you too Bark........

[yogi-mon]

ok, im going to make a vauge attempt to ignore my own bias's.

 

Your his other. Here is my honest advice, as simple as I can put it.

Keep the man, and look for someone useful. LOOK. But LOOK for

someone else. Actually LOOK. He is there. And he's waiting...

 

For you.

He will fill you with more love than you can imagine.

[lostforwords]

I turned to this forum because I had nowhere else to go. God bless those of you who have never been faced with a moral dilemma or those of you that are strong enough to listen to your head and not your heart. I will not defend my situation, it exists, I am here.

 

Don't you know that I know I should leave him? Don't you know that if I don't leave him, he will leave me or cheat on me or lie to me? Don't you know that this relationship is doomed because it cannot be based on trust? It took me six months to find out he was married. That means at least six months of lies. Do I now magicaly believe all that he says is true?

 

In the rest of my life, I am an independent woman with a fulfilling profession, varying interests, many talents, a fierce love for the abused animals I adopt and an undying desire to learn (yeah, I know, that one is going to leave me open to many punches). And dammit, I know I should not be where I am but my heart won't let go. I must admit, I was very shaken by many of the comments made.

 

I've made a mistake turning here for a sympathetic ear. I came here because I refuse to waste more than two years on this relationship. I will not continue this after the New Year and I will not give him an ultimatum. It will just be over. That is when I would need the support of those who understand the desparate loneliness that comes with the loss of anyone so important in your life.

 

I wish all of you the happiest of holidays and thank you all for your time and good

 

Jez.... in the deepest region of yoru heart..... your wishing he does finally leave his wife.... and you ache to have that normal relationship with him where you can be proud to say your his wife or girlfriend and not consider yourself the other woman..... you are hoping deep down just this once you can beat the statistics of affairs...... after all yours and his relationship is so unique..... and you knwo what.... there is not a damn thing wrong with yoru thinking...... your conditioned to think like this because of the situation your in.... your wanting better for yourself... and if it means to come clean in a reltaionship where your considered the other woman then so be it. no one should be here to sit and judge you and tell you what your doing is wrong...... your human.... and you will continue tro carry one life being human... afterall... when you read these posts you shutdown your computer like every single one of us here.... and whether you choose to take the advice from us and carry on with your next move is your decision one we cant make for you..... YOU knmow what makes YOU happy...... but..... i will tell you this.... you lack strength to tell yourself you deserve better than what hes giving you and you brought yourself to.... you deserve better.... your human.... one day you WILL wake up and realize you dont need to be in thsi relationship.... one day it'll hit you where youll start to question your own happiness which i think you have already started.... unfortunately some of us dont know what advice to give but we sure do damn well try hard to convince you that your wrong...... and one day youll realise youve made mistakes like evryone else has.... and youll learn by them..... untill then tho.... just realize you do deserve a normal relationship of waking up next to someone who loves YOU for just you and not having to call his wife to tell her he was working late and fell asleep at the office........ sometimes we need to feel the bumps in the road to realize the gravel does end eventually...... till then hold your head up high and find your strength... you deserve so much better.

[moimeme]

Um. LFW. She already said she was leaving him.

[lostforwords]

OH oops... my bad.... sorry i just got caught skimming thru the posts.... heheheh... one too many mooseheads

[brelynnda]

Yes Yes throw rocks at me I to am the other woman.......and yes I to went to bark for some advice. It is easy for someone to throw out the advice...but if they have never been in the situation ......they can offer advice, but they cannot offer insight.Bark gave me some insight, each situation is different. I am there with you, waiting, and planning. Lets hope kismet has something good to post or else there will be no one to look to for hope. We are everywhere your Mothers, Sister's , Teacher's, Friend's.....

[little me]

Hi people there, Ive been lurking here for about a week. Yeah.. soryy...

Im just wondering, what do you leave for someone like me? I felt for someone who told others he was married but not me and its just feels like magic and "telepathy" and we both seem very happy when we are in the same room, like there is no one else, so I asked around and he is married, just had a baby, so I decided to kill the feeling before I act upon it and Im very much in deep pain, Ive done nothing to pursue it. Im just sad I wish him good cuz I feel al this tender feelings for him, and all his body language indicates he feels attracted to me, but I also feel uncomfortable that he might be a cheating bastard cuz he offered me a car ride the week I met him. I remember him saying a pick up line at a wedding! to me four years ago but I was too shy then and had just lost alot of weight so I didnt buy it when people found me cute. Maybe he wasnt married then? Ill never know. I love him, will never act upon it. But he started to be so goddamn happy around me, his eyes sparkling, and me too. And then I did a little research and I hate it. Its over. It sucks. Help me. He has family -a brother I think- living in my same building. I might have just bumped into his parents in the elevator. Why me? How can I kill the feeling?

[bark]

We are everywhere your Mothers, Sister's , Teacher's, Friend's.....

 

brelynnda, many on LS post to help. Some, unfortunately, post to make themselves feel virtuous at the expense and feelings of others. They hector, lecture, scold and berate. They feel no compunction about doing this because in their black and white universe we represent darkness and they represent light. They are the self-appointed Moral Guardians.

 

That's crap. You're right we are everywhere. And if many won't help us we'll help ourselves. You know how to reach me.

 

Happy Holidays.

[Skittles]

Im just wondering, what do you leave for someone like me? I felt for someone who told others he was married but not me and its just feels like magic and "telepathy" and we both seem very happy when we are in the same room, like there is no one else, so I asked around and he is married, just had a baby, so I decided to kill the feeling before I act upon it and Im very much in deep pain, Ive done nothing to pursue it. Im just sad I wish him good cuz I feel al this tender feelings for him, and all his body language indicates he feels attracted to me, but I also feel uncomfortable that he might be a cheating bastard cuz he offered me a car ride the week I met him.

 

Hey Little me....hang in there...keep resisting this relationship. Every situation is different but basically is cut from the same cloth.

 

You feel tender for him you say, sounds like you are a loving person who is misdirecting her affections...

 

You are both happy being in each others presence...sounds like you are attracted to him and he likes the attention.

 

You feel he might be a cheating bastard because he offered you a car ride...Well imo, a car ride does not a cheating bastard make...however if you allow it to develop into a sexual thing then he will become the very thing you hate ....and I am predicting a lot of guilt on your part because you are already examining the potential for some serious, serious damage to all parties involved.

 

whew! where does leave you....back at the beginning....before the storm hits..

 

If I were wearing your shoes, I would take one day at a time, avoid obsessing over your feelings for him, avoid beating yourself up for your thoughts, because girl, if the thought police were out there, ALL of or a$$e$ would be in trouble for our thoughts at one point or another..

 

But most importantly, avoid him..........

 

 

Good luck transferring all those tender feelings to yourself.

[cms]

Jez,

I've been the other woman before. The emotions, the sex, the connection, ... the whole thing ... and it ended up tearing me apart. He said he would leave ... he said he couldn't leave ... he said he had to stay for the kids ... he said he deserved to be happy with me ...

 

To make a long story short ... he stayed.

 

We continued to talk and see each other occasionally. I found I just couldn't handle the heartbreak of trying to turn back the hands of time, to try to be "just friends" or move forward as "JF". I knew I would always want more and couldn't be a true friend b/c I felt he deserved a more loving partner (me).

 

I told him never to contact me again (if you love someone, set them free). I had to cut off all contact in order to heal and move on. He broke my heart. He followed my request and never contacted me again. He said he understood and would let me go.

 

Then I was moving out of the state. I called him b/c I wanted to meet and say good-bye. To prove to myself that the wound was healed.

Well, it wasn't healed. I saw him and my heart soard again.

But ending things with him was the best thing I ever did. He told me that we was trying to work out his marriage now and giving it the energy and attention that it & they deserved. He learned that loving relationsips require work & comunication, etc in our relationship (not really believeable but whatever!).

He also told me that he still loved me and always would. That he wished he had been strong enough to have made things work out for us ...

 

I understand about loving this man in your life ...

 

The lesson that I learned was to love yourself more.

 

But I can't say that I learned the lesson well ...

 

I am involved with another man --- same situation. He has suppossedly had "the talk" with his wife. And things were headed down this path long before I met him. No kids. But together for >15 years.

 

I too come to this site to read, to learn from others, to hear the support ...

But I also come here to realign myself with reality.

 

Reading many posts this morning, it reminded me that things cannot continue down this path with him forever.

I need to think of myself first. And also of his wife. And him.

There are always at least 3 people involved in an EM affair.

At least one will get hurt - if not all three.

 

I'm spending New Years weekend with him. His sis and her partner will be there and they know all about us.

I almost feel as if the weekend is going to be a test. The sis knows about me and is supportive of our relationship and his divorce. But I'm starting to think that maybe he wants her approval before continuing on with our relationship &/or the divorce.

Afterall, the evil you know is better than that which you don't know.

 

So right now, I'm waiting for next weekend.

I'm trying to define my expectations (I read an outline of 4 things that I should be prepared to define somewhere on this board & they are great!).

I need to set a time frame, lay out my expectations ... to him and myself.

 

Being alone isn't so bad - is it?

Waking up alone on Christmas morning knowing that he was in the same house as his wife, someone to share the morning with - even if they can't stand each ...

(Sarcasm intended)

 

I know - what he SAYS and what he's DOING might be totally different things ...

 

But thinking it through and acting on it are entirely different things.

I care ... I love ... but at the end of the day, I also know it isn't healthy.

 

I swore I would never get involved in a relationship like this again ... but here I am.

I understand how all the other men/women feel ...

 

But I wonder each and every day - - -

 

Do we get involved in this type of relationship because in some respects it is safe?

We never have to give ourselves entirely, we never have to share our lives entirely, or share in theirs ...

Do we get involved because this is an easily identifiable pain that is "easy" to discuss?

Whereas, the pains that go with a "real" relationship and a marriage are harder to define.

There is a social and financial comfort zone. And that is hard for anyone, no matter how unhappy or in love with someone else, to leave.

 

Once upon a time I was married. Leaving the marriage was the smartest thing I ever did.

The pain in that relationship each day was difficult and impossible to define. It seemed that no one ever understood (even my counselor) but they tried to be supportive in that "grey" way.

 

With an EM - it's much more black and white. Statistics support it.

 

But yet, they keep happening. We all want to feel love - conditionally. Maybe an EM gives us the conditional love that we need. Without all the strings that are supposed to come with a marriage (or real relationship).

Plus it generally stays "fresh" in many ways (though not always the sex).

There's the "roller-coaster" of heady emotions - just like in the beginning of "normal" & "have-able" relationships. But with an EM that roller-coaster is always there, we're always on it. The relationship never stabilizess and becomes routine. It's never dull.

 

No matter how it turns out, you have support - we all have support. For our pain, for our experience, for our joy ... take what you want from LS and disregard the rest.

 

We all know the viewpoint of "he'll/she'll never leave" or "they will move on to someone else" ...

 

I think what we are looking for is "permission" to continue on.

No one can give you that permission except yourself.

 

BTW - for anyone intersted, there are many interesting books on the subject.

My fav is "The 50 Mile Rule" by Judith E. Brandt.

MY fav quote:

"There simply isn't the time, space, or the freedom of movement so necessary for growing a deeper relationship."

 

So for all the negatives out there - we know intellectually that what we are doing is wrong and that chances of it growing into a real relationship are statistically nill, we can't control our emotions. And sometimes, we choose not to control our actions.

 

Jez, Best of luck! I hope that things turn out for you in a way that's best suited for your future, whatever that may hold.

[AllyKat]

CMS-

 

I wish you luck in searching for what you have yet to find. Keep your head up. Im totally against cheating, I too have been in the situation but on the other end. I was cheated on. It makes you less likely to trust, anyone. 4yrs ago this happened to me, and I still have trouble trusting anyone, even women.

 

Look into your heart, you already know the best thing to do.