singlegirl Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 I broke it off with my ex a week before Christmas because of his changed behaviour towards me, emotional cruelty, leading me to doubt my perceptions and some real insights into his true nature..One week NC and finally saw him Christmas eve, we were going to get back...I knew he wasn't right..I just couldn't shake the feeling and I had to get away from him....Looking back, i felt increasingly invalidated.... So it ended and I was left broken and alone...I started to blame myself, fell into deep despair and was spedning too much time alone. I sent him an email apologising for my behaviour...I told him I was clearly emotionally unwell ( of course I hadn't quite realised that being with him had got me to this state) I even said I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder....His response was to tell me that he looked it up and I don't have it, if I did so what?...He thought it was just a few days of negative thinking. He had been let into many women's souls and mine was one of the most beautiful...he felt nothing but love for me but now just as a freind...he had said 3 days before he wanted to marry me? He encouraged me to keep in touch and share my thoughts with him, even added a lol in there somewhere as I sat here broken and alone....., He signed it Your rock? he was never my rock New Year's day he texted me and wished us both love, health and wealth in 2010... ( another example of his lack of empathy) I ignored it, he called my landline and my cell...He asked me to call him as he "wanted to hear my voice" and wish me happy new year....He knew I was completely emotionally broken, I wondered how he could be so cruel and flippant.... I emailed him the next day and said he may be right and that I may just have had a few days of negative thinking My boyfriend who died, died at christmas and that may have pushed me over the edge...I told him I didn't think we should remain in contact and that I needed some distance to look at the dynamic between us over the past 3 months. I needed to work out how I got here...I said "something" happened to me. I asked that he didn't reply to the email, call, text or contact me in any way.... I feel so pathetic and stupid...I know now that I am out of it that he changed, he was cruel and emotionally distant...He continually said what i needed to hear so I would be there but the relationship was changing and i wasn't quite folowing his plan.... So how do I deal with this, how do I not torture myself for being so pathetic and taking all of the blame? This is hard for me to cope with. He will be laughing at me, maybe telling his friends that I am emotionally unwell Link to post Share on other sites
soconfusedreally Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 Your situation sounds so similar to mine. Guys can really do a number on us, huh? In my situation he actually knew I had hit rock bottom and then broke it off with me. The night we broke up much earlier in the night he even said, "wow...you've really got a lot of stressful things you are dealing with right now, huh?" Then a couple of hours later, he told me that he didn't love me anymore. After 2 & 1/2 years he recently felt different about me. I guess I should have seen it coming. Looking back now I know that I deserve so much more than what he was giving me. I know the difference between how I treated and loved him and how he treated me. But it has been 3 months now and it still hurts like he just said those words. Of course, I apologized telling him that I know I had been a miserable person to be around (now looking back I know he was the root of my pain, he caused me to be insecure and doubt myself). He even knew I started going to a therapist and was on medication. All I can think is that if he left me when he did, he must reallllly not care about me at all. I fell for the 'I still care about you and want to be friends thing'. But now I've seen he is a worse friend to me than he was a boyfriend. Now I realize you guys are right about NC. I am going to start it today. I can't take the disappointment of responding to his bread crumbs only to have him then ignore my response. Why do guys play mind games? Why no matter how much I know I deserve better, I still love him so much and just want him back. And yes, I know what you are saying. I think he thinks I'm just an emotional mess and is probably telling his friends how unstable I am. But that is him not admitting to himself that he's the emotional mess who caused me to be like this. I just want my old self back. And I wish I didn't want him back. But I do. I want the old him from the first year we were together. Things were different and he was a different person then. I don't know how long it takes to move on or get past this. Some days I think I am going to be fine and then the littlest thing will send me into tears again. I would say, as much as I fought it, NC the sooner the better is probably best. Otherwise, you just drag out this pain. In order for anything to change he's gotta do it. And that's not going to happen if we continue to let them mess with us and have the control. NC is about regaining control, right? I think I'm ready for it. Hope you are too. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 How do you get your dignity back? Remember that incredibly smart thread you started about leaving dumpers alone. You know what to do, just do the hard work in implementing NC. Cut the ex who likes to play mind games. Life is too short for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author singlegirl Posted January 3, 2010 Author Share Posted January 3, 2010 soconfusedreally, I'm so sad to read your experiences are similar to mine....I know realistically that even tho I ended it he was "witholding" he messed with my mind and I had already told him I was vulnerable? God knows what goes on in their minds...Do you think they are aware of the head games they play? I wonder how many women he has left broken and confused Link to post Share on other sites
Author singlegirl Posted January 3, 2010 Author Share Posted January 3, 2010 Lovely daze no matter how bad I feel I will not contact him...I realise he had gotten enough out of the interaction between us...I know he didn't want me. I know he meant none of the things he said to me and will probably be saying them to someone else very soon if he's not already Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 Lovely daze no matter how bad I feel I will not contact him...I realise he had gotten enough out of the interaction between us...I know he didn't want me. I know he meant none of the things he said to me and will probably be saying them to someone else very soon if he's not already And remember...if he didn't mean them to you..he isn't going to mean them to the next person. Most of our exes usually stay on this road of dysfucntion just jumping from one person to another. That is beyond unhealthy. Even if the breakup is mutual it is always best(yes ALWAYS) to spend some time by yourself to discover the kind of person you are and the person you want to compliment your life. That's why we all have so many relationships fail in this world because we all want love so badly and pounce on the next person that comes our way. I know this is so HARD and difficult and my entire soul can feel itself shifting into someone new. That's how I know I am on the right path to finding the real love of my life. Healthy attracts healthy and I want to be "the one" for that special guy someday! Link to post Share on other sites
Author singlegirl Posted January 3, 2010 Author Share Posted January 3, 2010 thanks Lovely, I can empathise with those words, my whole soul shifted into him...I would have done any thing to make him happy before I saw through him....anything but let him ambiently abuse me and wear down my sense of self without a whimper I hope your ex ships out soon, seems like he's been going for ages...Hope you feel some kind of release when he does.... Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 thanks Lovely, I can empathise with those words, my whole soul shifted into him...I would have done any thing to make him happy before I saw through him....anything but let him ambiently abuse me and wear down my sense of self without a whimper I hope your ex ships out soon, seems like he's been going for ages...Hope you feel some kind of release when he does.... Thank you, singlegirl! You are a sweetheart as many here on LS! I wish we were good friends another way but here we are on a site to cure our broken hearts! We ALL can get thru this and look back at this as an experience to carry to our next relationship. Each & every relationship sifts out what we want,what we don't want, what we should have and what we shouldn't. We tend to cling to behavior that is familiar because change is sometimes very frightening. Just keep working hard and stay clear of that guy. You KNOW you deserve someone good because you heart is made of gold! BTW: Yes, I am actually pretty thrilled he's leaving this week because by the time he returns, I won't care less that he had! Link to post Share on other sites
soconfusedreally Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 soconfusedreally, I'm so sad to read your experiences are similar to mine....I know realistically that even tho I ended it he was "witholding" he messed with my mind and I had already told him I was vulnerable? God knows what goes on in their minds...Do you think they are aware of the head games they play? I wonder how many women he has left broken and confused I don't know if they know they are playing games. I think with my ex he is even lying to himself about some things. I think after a while they start to believe their own crap. I just wish he would have been honest with himself (& me) a long time ago instead of making me believe we would always be together. He even walked me in to a ring store a couple of months prior so he would "know my size". I just wish I could stop loving him as easily as he supposidly stopped loving me. He too just started acting withdrawn and weird out of nowhere all of a sudden??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author singlegirl Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 I think one day they have to see their pattern. In the case of the guy I was with he is 36yrs old, never been married and the woman whom he was with for 4.5yrs will not speak to him...I will never ever speak to him again...The one who was 15 when he picked her up (he was 28 ) will speak to him but what does that look like? she was too young to realise she was and is to a certain extent being groomed...Come to think of it the one he professed to have really been in love with doesn't speak to him either...Only his friends with benefits are still in touch. he must know on some deep level that he is abusive to women who love him.. I am so mad at myself for not keeping NC and for taking the blame, feeding his ego , fuelling his behaviour...I have to be brutally honest with myself and admit that I have devalued myself in his eyes meaning he will never want me back!!! What on earth is wrong with me that I still feel something akin to love for this man....I am mistified by this Link to post Share on other sites
trueblue72ny Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 i give you credit singlegirl for having the courage to break it off. it was his behavior which is the cause for your actions. you did not break it off because he was being nice to you. you kept your dignity as far as i am concerned. you stuck up for yourself. you made the decision that you were not going to let someone treat you cruel any longer. it sounds like to me that you are emotionally spot on. i think down the road, looking back, you will be very proud of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author singlegirl Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 Thanks true blue, I felt like that before christmas.I had my power, my mind was where it should ahve been but i spent too many days alone.. then he contacted me and i went back but I couldn't stay with him because i had seen through the mask... I broke it off again but I sent an email saying in effect that he was a saint and I was mentally ill...I begged him to forgive me? Mind you having said that I was mentally ill, he made me mentally ill... I just handed him all of my power but you are right I still didn't go back..He replied and I later explained that I needed distance and requested he never contact me again...I also said I needed to look at the dynamic between us and work out how I got here...Maybe he will know I am on to him.. I have kept no contact and will continue to do so I am back at work tomorrow and I am hoping that this will help me cope and stop obsessing about what happened... Hope yr ok TB Link to post Share on other sites
madrugada Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I'll agree with trueblue. You are going about this in a very mature manner. You've been through a lot and you shouldn't think you're being "pathetic and stupid." You're living your life the best way you can, and it doesn't matter what he tells his friends about you. It's difficult not to torture yourself and blame yourself, I know. Oh god I know. But the fact is you realize your shortcomings, and you know now what to work on. And if it's not enough for him, he's not the one for you. And it's totally normal for you to still have feelings for the guy. Feelings don't just go away when the relationship is over. But the fact is he's gone. Sure, one day he may realize what he's lost, but it doesn't matter because this is the point where you live your life for yourself. The road ahead is not going to be easy. But all you can do is learn about yourself and live the life you want to live. I hope good things come to you in the new year. You deserve good things in your life. And keep us posted. We're here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
trueblue72ny Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 (edited) that just it - the aftermath -feeling alone - your mind wanders, and you start questioning yourself, you start obsessing. but you are right to not allow yourself to be mis treated. in my experience the lonely feelings after a breakup were just as devastating as the abuse during the relationship. i guess that old saying comes to mind - its gonna get worse before it gets better. like your ex bf, my ex gf made me feel mentally ill. i actually felt mildly delusional at one point. then something happened, like a circuit breaker tripped in my mind and i realized - i never felt that way before - this isnt me - i didnt feel that way around anyone else - it was her -and her alone. is it possible that someone else's mental illness can rub off onto you? Edited January 4, 2010 by trueblue72ny Link to post Share on other sites
Author singlegirl Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 Yes TB it is possible...when I met this guy I was lonely, maybe slightly depressed because of this..I have social anxiety but am getting CBT for it, I was in control. I work two jobs, (50ish) hrs a week, run a house...pay my bills on time etc.I had issues I was working through but I was emotionally stable. I liked myself, thought I was attractive enough to date again. I was emotionally available and trusting. I have a grown child who is doing well in the world.... He no job, no stable home, eating disordered ( gained masses of weight and lost it through pills), uses alcohol but assured me that had lessened...His thought processes were jumpy at best....He has no money and is rapidly heading into debt problems...lack of emotional and financial responsibilities After three months of being with him...I became More socially anxious, seriousely depressed. Feared I would become agoraphobic, feared I was mentally ill, feared abandonment....didn't trust my own perceptions. I worried about my appearance, my age...Felt that I would never find anyone to love me..... This is not healthy love Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Misery demands company. His state of affairs should have been enough to send you running in the other direction. Next time find someone more stable as opposed to chaotic because these people are soul suckers. They do not care who they damage and our only hope is to run far away as possible when we see the SIGNS. Link to post Share on other sites
SadKitty78 Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I broke it off with my ex a week before Christmas because of his changed behaviour towards me, emotional cruelty, leading me to doubt my perceptions and some real insights into his true nature.. So it ended and I was left broken and alone...I started to blame myself, fell into deep despair and was spedning too much time alone. I sent him an email apologising for my behaviour... I feel so pathetic and stupid...I know now that I am out of it that he changed, he was cruel and emotionally distant...He continually said what i needed to hear so I would be there but the relationship was changing and i wasn't quite folowing his plan.... So how do I deal with this, how do I not torture myself for being so pathetic and taking all of the blame? This is hard for me to cope with. He will be laughing at me, maybe telling his friends that I am emotionally unwell Please be kinder towards yourself! I did the same, apologizing over and over via email, texts, and telephone, but looking back, he was cold and controlling, and I too felt how you felt, believing that everything I did was MY fault and MY fault alone. And he is probably telling his friends about some psycho chick he dated for several months, but you know what, WHO CARES ABOUT HIM OR HIS FRIENDS!!! Just focus on getting better and moving on. He is immature, cruel, continues to be cruel, so was mine when he verbally abused me while I was attempting to apologize to him - using my guilt to control me even through the last contact, even though I only blew up because he wasn't communicating with me! So you just have to tell yourself, it wasn't your fault, and when you felt it was your fault, it really was his doing. Controlling and cruel people will make you feel like you deserve it or it was all your fault! Don't allow him to do that! As for him telling his friends, again, WHO CARES! At this point, he doesn't deserve you caring about what he thinks about you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author singlegirl Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 I guess he will laugh about me with his friends. I have been truly broken down.... Somewhere inside he will know one day. He will see the pattern of mentally broken women he has left in his wake.... I need to somehow regain myself. I need to keep NC and move on.... Thank you all so much for your support. I couldnt have coped without you guys Link to post Share on other sites
trueblue72ny Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 SG its all good. you fell for some guy who wound up being an emotionally abusive person. you reached out to try and make it better – you even swallowed a little bit of your own pride to put yourself out there - there is NOTHING wrong with you for doing that. that’s what people do who care about each other. I can only hope that someday I find someone again that is that dedicated to a relationship. it feels like oyu have to go thru a few junk relationships to find one of Real quality and substance. Unfortunately, by the time we find out someone’s true colors -its too late – our hearts are invested in them. And it’s not possible to just flip that switch off. by the sounds of it - He is the one who needs professional help – Not you. it sounds like a pattern for him. and people like that never wind up in happy healthy relationships. they are a victim of their own abusive tendencies. It sounds like to me he is immature anyway – has no idea what its like holding a household together, paying the bills, etc. it sounds like you have sooo much more to offer than he does. As far as I can tell its totally his loss. His brain just hasn’t caught up to that fact. you will regain yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
soconfusedreally Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 It is crazy how much he sounds like my Ex. And you (like me) know that he is the one who has mental problems. I can not tell you how much I wish he would go seek counseling to get some help. He has inner turmoil and unhappiness which he masks with other things that are not good for him (alcohol). And then tries to push it off on you because he has found that you already had some insecurities of your own. So, in the end he pumps his own ego and masks his problems by making you feel crazy. It makes him feel better about himself. To be honest, I'm not sure that they know they are doing it. Maybe I make too many excuses still for my Ex. But I just wish he would get some help. I thought I could be that person but now I know he needs someone outside his partner to talk to. Someone who can't be effected by his own games. Sounds like your Ex needs to do the same... Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 How do I get my dignity back? Your dignity is about who you are and what you do, not who you were and what you did. If your really what to have dignity then start behaving in a dignified manner. Do things that makes you proud, that show self respect, and takes care of your well being. They are not easy, usually offers less instant gratification but becomes easier over time and greatly rewarding. You are already that person, by acting like it, it will prove it to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author singlegirl Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 TB, I did, I would have done anyhting to help him, to make him happy. I remember telling him when I was sad he felt secure with me because I had purposefully behaved in a way to make him feel like that...I know now he was making me feel insecure, he was pushing my buttons....I don't think now he wanted out (I did then) I think he was downgrading the relationship as I had somehow fallen off of the pedistool? He had lost respect for me.....He is a child, he has no idea what running a home is like, you are right. he had no idea how tired I could be after working 12 hr days and kept me up talking about nonesense...he never showed real care for my wellbeing..He never did anything for me that didn't involve something in it for him... Soconfused, I know I have emotional problems..I have problems with self esteem ( no ****!!) with socialising as I have been so alone for so long...The effect is becoming the cause...I am dealing with my stuff..I opened myself up to him, let him see me, who I am, my strenghts, my weaknesses...I no longer think I have BPD though...He knew he was doing it, I articulated how I felt and he knew and agreed that he "could see where I was coming from"..I think the lack of emotion though means he could see my point of view but he didn't "feel" anything Greyclouds I will compose myself and return to work. I will simply have to try and pick up where I left off.... Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Greyclouds I will compose myself and return to work. I will simply have to try and pick up where I left off.... And my suspicion, you will and with class. Link to post Share on other sites
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