He's my good friend, isn't he?

[xpaperxcutx]

I have a good male friend D who I consider the one of the greatest friends I have. He treats everybody ( especially the girls) with respect and he's always there for me when I ask. One of his habits is having fun, so when a good weekend comes along, he invites everyone out for dinner and drinks, and we all usually end up trashed the next day.

 

He has a girlfriend ( whom he told me felt like a rebound) and even though he always secretly tells what a pain in the ass she is, he's still dating her. I've since introduced one of my girl friends to him and now they're hang out buddies. When I don't hang out with D and his girlfriend, he usually calls out my friend instead.

 

The question is, am I jealous? I really don't have feelings for D, even though he's told me he likes me, but I know if I do anything that affirms anything, we will only end up as FWB.

 

I was hesitant to introduce my girl friend to him especially since they now do almost everything together. But even when I hang out with him, I always end up feeling like the third or fourth wheel, even though I really like hanging out with everyone.

 

I notice our friendship is really based on alcohol ( which he's happy to provide) and while it's fun to stay out late until 5 in the morning, I don't really know if this friendship is healthy.

 

What's everyone's opinion?

[LoveSparks]

hey, i'm just gonna be straight up with you. there's so many things going on here and i need to give you my 2 cents on them all. so...

 

#1- does he invite his girlfriend out with the group or is he hanging out with chicks his gf doesn't know about? i'm only asking because you can tell a lot about how a person treats people by opening your eyes and observing how they treat EVERYONE.

 

i personally think it'd be wrong of him to have a gf and hang out with any female she doesn't know whether it be in a group or solo... and if he's gonna betray his girlfriend and sneak around her like that, he'd do it to anyone.

 

#2- there's nothing else you guys have in common besides alcohol? i wouldn't give a relationship the title of a "good friendship" if it doesn't better you both in some way. have you grown as a person or learned any valuable life lessons since you've been friends?

 

i'd be *pissed* if i were you and i introduced him to a good friend of mine and now they BOTH dissed me!! but if he already had a girlfriend, i wouldn't introduce him to any girl no matter if they were having issues or not. maybe you were just trying to be a good friend and help him out.

 

#3- so now you have to ask yourself, "what do *I* consider a 'good friend' to be? write down some qualities you want and don't want in a "good friend" and try to be as honest and objective as possible. if he doesn't meet your standards, then you know what he means to you.

 

personally, i think you should be your OWN best friend. it's good to have a social life and cool to hang out with everyone but if you're truly happy with yourself, you won't ever feel like you're tagging along with everyone. you'll be able to hold you own and not worry about how you fit in every siuation.

 

i obviously don't know the entire story but just based on what you wrote, this is my best advice. i really hope this gives you a new perspective on things and helps your situation.

 

best of luck!

[xpaperxcutx]

hey, i'm just gonna be straight up with you. there's so many things going on here and i need to give you my 2 cents on them all. so...

 

#1- does he invite his girlfriend out with the group or is he hanging out with chicks his gf doesn't know about? i'm only asking because you can tell a lot about how a person treats people by opening your eyes and observing how they treat EVERYONE.

 

Yes, he does his girlfriend out with the group, in fact she's always with him. That's why he sometimes jokes she's a pain in the butt because she sometimes bosses him around.

 

He treats everyone really nicely, and he's really playful and flirty.

 

i personally think it'd be wrong of him to have a gf and hang out with any female she doesn't know whether it be in a group or solo... and if he's gonna betray his girlfriend and sneak around her like that, he'd do it to anyone.

 

He has a lot of female friends. I don't know whether he wants to betray her not, but he has talked about wanting to be in threesomes. He told me earlier on that he was honest with her that he still think about his ex ( his current gf is like a rebound) but from what I can see, they're really lovey dovey, so I don't understand why he can't just settle.

 

#2- there's nothing else you guys have in common besides alcohol? i wouldn't give a relationship the title of a "good friendship" if it doesn't better you both in some way. have you grown as a person or learned any valuable life lessons since you've been friends?

 

We started off being online friends. We used to flirt with each other before he was in a relationship. The thing is, I can't say he's a bad friend because we do confide in each other, but we talk more about having fun than the sad stuff.

 

 

i'd be *pissed* if i were you and i introduced him to a good friend of mine and now they BOTH dissed me!! but if he already had a girlfriend, i wouldn't introduce him to any girl no matter if they were having issues or not. maybe you were just trying to be a good friend and help him out.

 

Well the thing was I did hesitate to introduce my friend to him not because he's going to hit on her or anything ( he's not attracted to her) but I guess I really hate sharing friends, especially now they're really buddy buddy. But

#3- so now you have to ask yourself, "what do *I* consider a 'good friend' to be? write down some qualities you want and don't want in a "good friend" and try to be as honest and objective as possible. if he doesn't meet your standards, then you know what he means to you.

 

I've always been selective when it comes to friends, its just he's the first guy friend that I really like as a platonic buddy.

 

personally, i think you should be your OWN best friend. it's good to have a social life and cool to hang out with everyone but if you're truly happy with yourself, you won't ever feel like you're tagging along with everyone. you'll be able to hold you own and not worry about how you fit in every siuation.

 

i obviously don't know the entire story but just based on what you wrote, this is my best advice. i really hope this gives you a new perspective on things and helps your situation.

 

Thank you. I'm just really confused. What I don't understand is why he keeps asking me to go and party with them if he has a girlfriend? The thing is I don't mind hanging out with them but I really can't shake the feeling of being the 3rd wheel. Sometimes it's a big group and I don't mind, but lately it's just been him, his gf, my friend and me. It just seems weird that's all.

[Green]

I think he is a perv and wants to eat a bowl of food off the top of your head. Wake up and smell the cofee you've been had girly

[Boundary Problem]

He seems to be grooming you for something. Something with sex. But I don't know the nature of the relationship he wants.

 

What is clear is that he's got women lined up like airplanes on a runway flightpath.

 

So if you "win" the right to land on his airstrip, you have to know there are other aircraft carriers circling above like buzzards, waiting for a crack to develop in your relationship.

 

Until he cleans house and cleans up his act with the alcohol, he is party guy. Maybe he needs some counselling? Good luck trying to get him to go though.

 

If you can figure out what his real problem is maybe tell him. Sometimes that is the best counselling guys get, because i have yet to see a male be completely honest and open with a counsellor about his feelings. 1/2 the time men don't even know what they are feeling, they tend to be more action driven, and they like to have a good time. I'm rambling, but I'm saying that I have yet to see a guy cultivate a purely platonic friend.

[xpaperxcutx]

He seems to be grooming you for something. Something with sex. But I don't know the nature of the relationship he wants.

What is clear is that he's got women lined up like airplanes on a runway flightpath.

 

So if you "win" the right to land on his airstrip, you have to know there are other aircraft carriers circling above like buzzards, waiting for a crack to develop in your relationship.

 

Until he cleans house and cleans up his act with the alcohol, he is party guy. Maybe he needs some counselling? Good luck trying to get him to go though.

 

If you can figure out what his real problem is maybe tell him. Sometimes that is the best counselling guys get, because i have yet to see a male be completely honest and open with a counsellor about his feelings. 1/2 the time men don't even know what they are feeling, they tend to be more action driven, and they like to have a good time. I'm rambling, but I'm saying that I have yet to see a guy cultivate a purely platonic friend.

 

Ever since his break up with his ex ( they were together for 4 years; he even bought a ring and had planned on proposing) he's been on full party mode. He started off with rebounds then settled for his current girlfriend ( who is really nice) but he's still open to wanting sex with other people.

 

I feel like he's on a self destructive mode.

 

He told me he was seeing a therapist but that was because he had gotten into a car accident and torn his knee. He was in recovery and has had surgery in the past year.

 

I want to maintain a platonic friendship with him, I don't want to become the girl he ****s on the side, especially since I really like his gf. I've been in the position where I was the OW and it was not fun.

 

I can say that he's respectful. Except it's become a habit of his to talk behind his gf's back with him about getting some. I don't know how to handle this.

[xpaperxcutx]

I think he is a perv and wants to eat a bowl of food off the top of your head. Wake up and smell the cofee you've been had girly

 

I've never been had.

 

I know he's playful. I've even been accused of being playful myself.

 

He just doesn't know his boundaries especially since despite being in a relationship, he can't stay faithful to his gf.

[Kamille]

Given the situation, I think it's almost to be expected that you would question your feelings for him. The guy is taken but obviously remains open to relationships on the side, is more then likely very flirtatious and you most likely get/got a kick out of the flirtation.

 

And yet you know perfectly well what would happen if you got involved.

 

In your shoes I would line up a few dates for the next few weekends. It'll allow a cooling distance for you and help you think about something/someone else.

[Flying Goose]

I've never been had.

 

I know he's playful. I've even been accused of being playful myself.

 

He just doesn't know his boundaries especially since despite being in a relationship, he can't stay faithful to his gf.

 

That's because there are no boundaries/rules in life but what we set. A 'girlfriend' in this case may not necessarily be an exclusive sexual partner. From what you say he's not even emotionally intimate with her (or anyone for that matter), so why should sex between them be exclusive? She's not special, she's just girl no. x he's using as a distraction after some girl left him. He's not necessarily doing anything wrong in wanting to have threesomes (presumably he wants you to be part of one of these) and other superficial experiences, as long as he hasn't lied to the girl he's sleeping with about what he wants. For all you know, she may be happy with what he's doing in some idiotic way...

[threebyfate]

xpaper, your boundaries matter far more than his boundaries. Don't rely on someone else's boundaries of ethical behaviour, since, at the end of the day, you're the one who has to live with yourself, for the rest of your life.

 

Observations:

• You know he's a party guy.
  
• When it comes to relationships, he's got serious problems with personal boundaries.
  
• He plays women off each other.
  
• You're going to get badly mind-****ed if you go down this path.
  

With all these observations, do you really need to go down another dysfunctional path?

[xpaperxcutx]

Given the situation, I think it's almost to be expected that you would question your feelings for him. The guy is taken but obviously remains open to relationships on the side, is more then likely very flirtatious and you most likely get/got a kick out of the flirtation.

 

And yet you know perfectly well what would happen if you got involved.

 

In your shoes I would line up a few dates for the next few weekends. It'll allow a cooling distance for you and help you think about something/someone else.

 

But Kamille, I don't like him like that. Even though I do like the flirtations I don't take it seriously. I always take it as a good night's fun.

 

As for the bolded, I'm well aware I don't like being the OW, and I won't even try.

 

And I haven't seen him that much. I only went out with him and friends this past friday, but that was it. That was the first time I've seen him in a month.

[xpaperxcutx]

That's because there are no boundaries/rules in life but what we set. A 'girlfriend' in this case may not necessarily be an exclusive sexual partner. From what you say he's not even emotionally intimate with her (or anyone for that matter), so why should sex between them be exclusive? She's not special, she's just girl no. x he's using as a distraction after some girl left him. He's not necessarily doing anything wrong in wanting to have threesomes (presumably he wants you to be part of one of these) and other superficial experiences, as long as he hasn't lied to the girl he's sleeping with about what he wants. For all you know, she may be happy with what he's doing in some idiotic way...

 

You're right, I do realize I was basing my boundaries on his.

 

You hit it on the spot when you wrote the bolded because when we talk on the phone, he occasionally brings up the ex. I know very well he's on the rebound, thus I was skeptical about him being with his current gf. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt in hopes that he can move on ( from the ex), but it's been 4 months since the break up and the ex's name still comes out with a tint of affection. I feel bad for his girlfriend, who's become my friend.

 

That is why I try to keep my distance. I try to be a friend but I don't want him to get the wrong ideas.

[xpaperxcutx]

xpaper, your boundaries matter far more than his boundaries. Don't rely on someone else's boundaries of ethical behaviour, since, at the end of the day, you're the one who has to live with yourself, for the rest of your life.

 

Observations:

• You know he's a party guy.
  
• When it comes to relationships, he's got serious problems with personal boundaries.
  
• He plays women off each other.
  
• You're going to get badly mind-****ed if you go down this path.
  

With all these observations, do you really need to go down another dysfunctional path?

 

 

As always, TBF you're always there to rescue me. Thanks for breaking it down, I understand clearly that it's not healthy to associate myself with him. I want to be his friend, but I can't help him unless he helps himself first.

[LoveSparks]

As always, TBF you're always there to rescue me. Thanks for breaking it down, I understand clearly that it's not healthy to associate myself with him. I want to be his friend, but I can't help him unless he helps himself first.

 

 

That is EXACTLY RIGHT!! Congratulations on your realization. There's a LOT of good advice here and I pretty much agree with everyone. Sometimes as a female, it's not good for us to try to figure out WHY guys are the way they are, but rather move on. We are compassionate and empathetic by nature but sometimes we just have to say no to men and take care of ourselves.

 

For me, if the situation I'm involved in isn't positive, I stay out. Life is too short to stress.

 

Best wishes and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!