2 Months post-(bad)breakup and I can't seem to forget her (kind of long read) thx!

[bananaboat11]

Hey all.. I'm brand new. Nice to meet you all.. found this forum by accident. Thought I'd share and ask advice...

 

I met this girl in class one day over the summer. We began to correspond via e-mail.. and then had lunch one day. Things were going well, but I learned she was just getting out of a 4 year relationship. A week later we had our first date, but knowing about her recent breakup, I had a 'wall' up. The first month was amazing. Pretty much.. every opportunity we were together... we were having sex. 3, 4, 5, or 6 times a night... 2 to 3 times / daylight hours. Yeah... it was a VERY physical relationship. Kind of made me think I was her rebound at first... but I ignored these red flags.

 

But then... we began to argue about stupid little things that I can't even recall. That's how stupid they were. Finally one day she had breakdown and told me she never really faced her breakup with the ex and told me she liked me, but didn't know if we could be together. I told her how I felt, but left letting her know when she's ready, I'll be 'there', but I didn't know how long I'd say 'there'.

She came back to me that night, but something wasn't right... I broke up with her the next day. 3 days later she came begging for my hand and heart. My wall/guard was even higher now knowing she did not know (3-5 days earlier) if she could be with me... but I tried... for her.

 

I had learned her past relationships she had been cheated on and hurt by her boyfriends.

 

Things still didn't seem to work and we ended up breaking up again (I broke it off), but realized I liked her. I went back to her this time. She took me back... but things still weren't comfortable. Finally, one day she asked for her space. I rightfully gave it, but let her know I was sorry. 3 days after... she let me know she missed me (via text) but was afraid to let me back in. I had given her an anniversary gift (3 month - I thought it'd be cute) of her favorite childhood book w/ a love note and a book of 50 real life emotion love poems and read each one.. folding the page of the ones I liked and drawing a little heart on it. She didn't respond when she saw this...

The next day we got back together. Everything seemed ok for once... but she had to go home to be with her family. I respected that and told her I'd miss her and couldn't wait to see her Sunday. She responded in kind... gave me a real kiss (after a good 2-3 weeks of not sharing a real kiss). That night we wished one another a good night and a 'miss you'...

 

..the next morning she broke up with me via facebook. I've been in breakups before (unfortunately), but this time I was completely taken aback. Did not expect it. I was hurt at first, but then annoyed/irritated. We began to argue via facebook and then text message and finally e-mail. We have definitely gone our separate ways. She had said to me upon our parting that she never cared for me ever... and never saw me as a boyfriend. She just needed to keep me 'close' b/c she didn't want to be alone. She had the option before the semester's beginning to go home and have everything paid for, but she spent a lot of money to stay here with me and take classes. She then proceeded to let me know that she was with her ex boyfriend who owned his own company and made a 7 figure salary. I am a grad student who is just getting by...

 

I just don't know what to make of my situation. We had been together for 4 and a half months. I know it isn't a lot of time to really 'get hurt', but I'm just more shocked and appalled at how loving she could be by telling me she 'almost loved me' all the time to just dropping the bomb and being heartless in the end... what could she really be thinking? will she try to contact me again? Clearly.. this relationship wasn't working... and I can't have it for my own mental sanity. =/

 

I know she had a few of the qualities I wanted in my ideal significant other, but her manipulation (as everyone who 'observed' us told me she was to me) and her verbal abuse (she ALWAYS yelled at me - I never once raised my voice to her).. she had been cheated on in the past by the majority of her boyfriends. There definitely was a trust issue with her... but I would never have cheated on her. I didn't. Not even the very thought.

 

Somehow, she, to play off her mistrust in me, would mildly flirt with this guy (who she JUST met) - and I told her it made me uncomfortable... she let me know that my female friends (of whom I've known for 3+ years) made her uncomfortable...

 

We haven't spoken for about 2 months now and I know time will heal this... I gave her back all her stuff and ripped up the love notes she wrote me. I had to - to sever any ties. She isn't right for me. She (through her roommate, a friend of mine) gave me back everything... (gifts, my clothes, etc, etc)...

 

It certainly is finished and part of me expects her to contact me again... part of me doesn't. Part of me wants her to... part of me doesn't.

 

I sent a platonic e-mail 3 weeks after our breakup trying to be friendly (just to reestablish communication on a friendship level - which was my mistake)... did not go over well.

 

Well now, she's telling everyone... and by everyone, her friends (who I don't give two ****s about anymore) and her roommate (who I am friends with blurts this out last night to ALL our friends in the bar, in front of me with ex girl nowhere in sight)... that I am stalking her (the ex) because I went to the same gym she goes to...

 

I have been going to Gym X since my freshman year at this university... 4+ year member (I'm a graduate student here now). She comes from a neighboring state to take a few classes over the summer. Meets me. The rest was history. Dysfunctional relationship. NC post-BU.

 

But now.. I go to the gym I recommended she join (which I have been going to for 4 + years mind you) and immediately I am a stalker and a creep for going. Cue me rolling my eyes... 'cause she told my friend (her roommate) she's contemplated getting a restraining order.

 

I will swear on the devil's soul that I didn't even think once about acknowledging her. I go to the gym to lift/work out. Not meet girls, or see old girlfriends.

 

I know I'm not 100% over her, but I know when to step off. And I'm a guy... so her word > mine if she does get a TRO on me for being around campus.

 

Oh yeah... she broke up with me over facebook. So this girl is 23 and really immature.

 

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but jesus...

 

it's been 2 months now. I'm still blocked on FB (which I don't care anymore.. and I've removed the mutual acquaintances on FB). ...I have none nor want any connection with her EVER after all this. Someone mentioned to me she probably had an affair. I suspected she slept with her ex boyfriend of 4 years the night she went home (the night before she broke up with me via facebook). I can never know.. that's not healthy.

 

Time to move on... but I'm finding it harder than I thought. I'm not self-destructing... I dyed my hair black (I'm blonde) for a 'change'. Other than that.. I'm living my life normally, but find I'm heartsick... but I try not to show it. I have some REALLY good friends who listened to me pour my heart out / talk to them about this situation. Nice guy Syndrome sucks!

 

Thanks to all and any who read this and provide any sort of feedback.... and I have been seeing a psychologist to get an objective view... granted there are 2 sides to every story.. I can only imagine what 'she' is saying about me

 

So my question is... will she ever contact me again? May I initiate contact soon? We ended mid November... so it's been almost 2 months with no contact. I still have some sort of feelings for her and they're killing me inside.

 

thanks!

Edited January 4, 2010 by bananaboat11

[bananaboat11]

...and to add to my novel (sorry it's so long and thanks to all who take the time to read it and add their .02)...

 

the other night, I texted a good friend (who messaged me a Happy New Year, which I did not expect)...

 

I asked her one favor... to tell me that I did make up my entire relationship (like my ex was telling all her friends) with my ex and mentioned I realized that I was being immature and I would never speak of this again... and also texted that I know my ex & my ex's bitchy slutty friend were friends with her ... and I'm the outcast and apologized and thanked her.

 

Her response... "You're my friend and not an outcast to me..."

 

why avoid telling me what I asked to hear considering her friend (my ex) was telling them all I made up the relationship???

[westrock]

Dysfunctional relationship. NC post-BU.

 

This about sums it up. There is too much drama and too many break-ups. It's toxic.

 

You're best to just stay away from this woman.

 

Her response... "You're my friend and not an outcast to me..."

 

Listen to your friend.

[bananaboat11]

This about sums it up. There is too much drama and too many break-ups. It's toxic.

 

You're best to just stay away from this woman.

 

 

 

Listen to your friend.

 

thank you. I needed to hear this from an outside source who knows me not.

[Wicker_Parked]

 

...I have none nor want any connection with her EVER after all this.

 

So my question is... will she ever contact me again? May I initiate contact soon? We ended mid November... so it's been almost 2 months with no contact. I still have some sort of feelings for her and they're killing me inside.

 

thanks!

 

mate you answered your own question see above, you dont want any connection but why would you want her to contact you again?

 

The reason why she has not called is women have always more distractions then men, if you are not in the picture there is always some guy, some ex, or some random that will approach a woman/your ex on the street and try to invoke some certain connection.

If you want this to happen then keep assuming she is going to call you but, if not just give her a quick call, worst case scenario, there is an awkward moment during the call, you will hate yourself for ever breaking no contact, but you will get over it a lot quicker than the last time, and then eventually you wont even care, but remember not knowing has been the best for me...

Imagine if you as a man were walking down the street and everygirl was giving you the eye, initiating contact and flirting with you, wanting to get your phone number, it just doesnt happen for us, unless your that Vince character from HBOs entourage, however we can be in this situation too by surrounding yourself with every opportunity to meet someone or do something new hanging out doors or with friends.

Im back to NC but i know that me and my Ex are on good terms and although we say we are friends, i know that we are really not good friends but its the thought down the road that will count.

Im in this situation where i have enlisted to go into the airforce, my heart wants to stay a civillian and maybe give a longshot into getting back or being in the vicinity to even let my ex have the chance of getting back or reconnecting, im mid 20s and if i go away now we wont be meeting anytime soon and would miss our youth but in saying so, i want to go into the airfoce and get as far away as i can from her, maybe meetup in the future when we are both so much different like being new people again.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Wicker_Parked

[bananaboat11]

mate you answered your own question see above, you dont want any connection but why would you want her to contact you again?

 

The reason why she has not called is women have always more distractions then men, if you are not in the picture there is always some guy, some ex, or some random that will approach a woman/your ex on the street and try to invoke some certain connection.

If you want this to happen then keep assuming she is going to call you but, if not just give her a quick call, worst case scenario, there is an awkward moment during the call, you will hate yourself for ever breaking no contact, but you will get over it a lot quicker than the last time, and then eventually you wont even care, but remember not knowing has been the best for me...

Imagine if you as a man were walking down the street and everygirl was giving you the eye, initiating contact and flirting with you, wanting to get your phone number, it just doesnt happen for us, unless your that Vince character from HBOs entourage, however we can be in this situation too by surrounding yourself with every opportunity to meet someone or do something new hanging out doors or with friends.

Im back to NC but i know that me and my Ex are on good terms and although we say we are friends, i know that we are really not good friends but its the thought down the road that will count.

Im in this situation where i have enlisted to go into the airforce, my heart wants to stay a civillian and maybe give a longshot into getting back or being in the vicinity to even let my ex have the chance of getting back or reconnecting, im mid 20s and if i go away now we wont be meeting anytime soon and would miss our youth but in saying so, i want to go into the airfoce and get as far away as i can from her, maybe meetup in the future when we are both so much different like being new people again.

 

First, thanks for serving (future service).

 

I wish you the best in your situation. I can't break the NC. I know my ex hasn't forgotten me... I just know it. I don't know why I want her to contact me... I just do. =/ ****ty answer, i know. I know she's probably with someone else now... I can't deny that. It's probably her ex, but apart of me wants to know there was something between us. All I can do is be ready when SHE breaks the NC... and something tells me, eventually... she will. I just don't know when. And it hurts inside..

 

thanks again for your time.

[Austen]

I've been reading some of your other posts, and I saw your link to this one, so I was able to catch up on your story.

Take it from someone who was also in a brief "relationship" and just had her heart broken, you need to let it go. Don't contact her. It sounds like your ex and my ex-whatever he was, have some of the same problems. He's now denying that our involvement ever happened and trying to make me seem crazy. This IS NOT the kind of person you want in your life.

You're holding onto the kind of person you thought she was, but that person isn't who she really is.

I know it hurts A LOT, but time will make it easier. And it isn't odd that you fell this hard for someone after only 4 1/2 months. Some people have that effect on us. You seem like a great guy. Take care of yourself.

[bananaboat11]

Wow Austen... thanks. Very few people (or so I believe) actually read this... I'm sorry your ex was similar. No one (like us) deserves to be treated such a way... I guess I want to say towards the beginning of the relationship... I had noticed the 'red flags' ... and I had a wall up (as I said above), but... you know those pieces of information about catastrophes or bad news that you hear of and are apologetic... or sympathize to a small degree... until it happens to you where you become mournful and upset?

 

...It's like, you know people such as this exist, but you never really believe 'you'll' end up with one... until it's too late.

 

It's about 3 months now... and it's getting easier for me. I hope, if it's still fresh for you.. it is better too.

 

It's taken me some time... some crying.. some heartache... some rationalizations, but I realized WHO she is... her kiss was a poison that clouded my mind with thoughts of her... but I never loved her. She was manipulative... hurtful... and deceitful. She knew the right thing to say and when to say it... always turning the tables on me somehow.

 

...and that's a problem. I am a great guy. Women don't want great guys.. they want men... men with attitude. Men who are bad boys... And that just isn't me.

[HLP234]

If you were never a bad boy or a guy with attitude.. that won't change. I am the same way. You will always be who you are no matter if you seem mad at your ex and act like you don't care towards her.

 

She may say you changed but that is not true..you have been hurt so that is why you can't act like nothing happened.

 

My ex never even broke up with me, she just left, did it on facebook too. Posted pics of her and her new guy doing stuff..without saying one word to me. If that didn't hurt I dunno what does.

 

But I'm glad you are getting through it. Makes me worry because its been about a month or so now and I still hurt from it. Basically, the relationship ended in November I suppose, when she said she wanted a break..I just didn't know because she would act like I didn't want to try or want her.

 

Very screwed up thing to do and I bet if she were to contact me now she would say well it ended a while ago I can't help you didn't notice. But I hope we never see or say anything to each other..that would be the best.

[bananaboat11]

If you were never a bad boy or a guy with attitude.. that won't change. I am the same way. You will always be who you are no matter if you seem mad at your ex and act like you don't care towards her.

 

She may say you changed but that is not true..you have been hurt so that is why you can't act like nothing happened.

 

My ex never even broke up with me, she just left, did it on facebook too. Posted pics of her and her new guy doing stuff..without saying one word to me. If that didn't hurt I dunno what does.

 

But I'm glad you are getting through it. Makes me worry because its been about a month or so now and I still hurt from it. Basically, the relationship ended in November I suppose, when she said she wanted a break..I just didn't know because she would act like I didn't want to try or want her.

 

Very screwed up thing to do and I bet if she were to contact me now she would say well it ended a while ago I can't help you didn't notice. But I hope we never see or say anything to each other..that would be the best.

 

 

I hope I never see or hear from my ex too. I'm sorry man.. women like this... ugh...

 

They don't deserve us is all I can say... I'm flushed with emotions right now... I'll comment later when my mind is clear.