OFGnomore Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 (edited) Broke off affair 1.5 years ago. Maintained no contact from xMM. H and I are in reconciliation. I run a small business and recently discovered through my marketing analytics that xMM regularly comes to "visit" my website. Told H and he told me to keep an eye on it. My site contains pictures of me in my profession, updates, etc. BFF said to copy his wife on the reports. I say don't stir the pot. What would you do? What do you make of it? H doesn't care as long as xMM doesn't make official contact. How would you feel as a BS/ male or female if you found out your WS was checking out xOP behind your back. Let's face it, his W probably doesnt know. And of course xMM was caught and did not confess which IMO makes a huge difference in what a WS's intent genuinely is. Edited January 4, 2010 by OFGnomore clarification Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 me thinks you like that he's looking. This really is no big deal. Looking is not a crime Link to post Share on other sites
Author OFGnomore Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 (edited) me thinks you like that he's looking. This really is no big deal. Looking is not a crime I'm no shrink but I do think it's a big deal if you're reconciling with your spouse and trying to rebuild trust. And if I were a betrayed spouse and discovered my H checking out his former lover I'd be p*ssed. But, that's just me. As far as me liking it? Not really, I wouldn't have ended the affair and confessed to H if I wanted to keep his attention. I get the sense you're not someone who's reconciling their marriage. Edited January 4, 2010 by OFGnomore spell error Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I told my WS in no uncertain terms that if there were either accidental or intentional contact on anyone's part, and I was not informed, I'd walk right on outta here for good. Period. But, since your MM chose never to confess to his BS, maybe he's not only reminiscing about you as he trawls your web site, he may also be priming himself for the next affair partner. You know what? If you and your spouse have successfully reconciled, it does not really matter what your former MM is up to. It might matter to his BS, if she knew, but she doesn't. If you intend to tell her, he'd just make up lies to convince her you are a pscho, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Told H and he told me to keep an eye on it. ... What would you do? I'd do what you did -- tell my H. It seems, though, that your H's response/"solution" is insufficient to calm your fears so...I would now tell my H that. Well. I'd first try to figure out what is *really* bugging me about the situation -- is the xMM's intrusiveness causing me to feel upset? angry? frustrated? Or. Was I hoping for a different response from my H, and if so, what had I hoped for / what do I need from him now? If I couldn't find my answers within a reasonable time-frame, I'd just tell my H that I'm sensing an undefinable dread/uneasiness, haven't been able to put my finger on it yet and, for the moment, just know that I would really like some additional reassurance, comfort, strength, support...whatever words come out when you speak with him. A different way of looking at it is that xMM is unwittingly giving you and your H an excellent opportunity to work even more closely together and communicate on an even deeper level about whatever current fears and concerns come to light -- you can make it ALL ABOUT you, your H, and your happy and successful marriage Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Your husband did not handle the affair properly. He should have exposed to the OMW as he should now. Send him to marriage builders. com and ask him to read the articles. He has no idea! Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I totally agree that the OM's wife should be told of his affair. How is your reconcilliation going with your husband? What have you done to make sure you will not make the same mistake again? I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Your husband did not handle the affair properly. He should have exposed to the OMW as he should now. Send him to marriage builders. com and ask him to read the articles. He has no idea! Are there RULES on how to handle an affair "Properly?" Especially since each situation is different. Where are said "RULES" posted that would apply to every scenario out there? Exposing the other affair partner to their spouses----since when? And Why? Out of spite? To rock the boat? To make everyone elses lives miserable? I don't get some logic here in LS at times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OFGnomore Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 I told my WS in no uncertain terms that if there were either accidental or intentional contact on anyone's part, and I was not informed, I'd walk right on outta here for good. Period. But, since your MM chose never to confess to his BS, maybe he's not only reminiscing about you as he trawls your web site, he may also be priming himself for the next affair partner. You know what? If you and your spouse have successfully reconciled, it does not really matter what your former MM is up to. It might matter to his BS, if she knew, but she doesn't. If you intend to tell her, he'd just make up lies to convince her you are a pscho, IMHO. Yeah unless he contacts me directly, neither one of us is saying anything to his wife. H already told her about the A and she turned it around on us to "save face". Said she forgave him immediately and loves him more than ever. Now look where that "instant forgiveness" has gotten her, he's trolling my site and probably looking for a new A partner a year later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OFGnomore Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 I totally agree that the OM's wife should be told of his affair. How is your reconcilliation going with your husband? What have you done to make sure you will not make the same mistake again? I wish you luck. Going well for the most part and I'm in IC and being completely transparent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OFGnomore Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 I'd do what you did -- tell my H. It seems, though, that your H's response/"solution" is insufficient to calm your fears so...I would now tell my H that. Well. I'd first try to figure out what is *really* bugging me about the situation -- is the xMM's intrusiveness causing me to feel upset? angry? frustrated? Or. Was I hoping for a different response from my H, and if so, what had I hoped for / what do I need from him now? If I couldn't find my answers within a reasonable time-frame, I'd just tell my H that I'm sensing an undefinable dread/uneasiness, haven't been able to put my finger on it yet and, for the moment, just know that I would really like some additional reassurance, comfort, strength, support...whatever words come out when you speak with him. A different way of looking at it is that xMM is unwittingly giving you and your H an excellent opportunity to work even more closely together and communicate on an even deeper level about whatever current fears and concerns come to light -- you can make it ALL ABOUT you, your H, and your happy and successful marriage I'm keeping this response because it's perfect. I find it unsettling because it feels invasive and it goes directly in oppositie what he and his wife did and said to save face to the community after the affair got out. 3 weeks after disclosure they were "in love more than ever". And more importantly, it triggers old feelings from childhood of me abandoning my father with my abusive mother all over again as I had to cut ties with parents to protect myself and my present family from their destructive nature. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 he's trolling my site and probably looking for a new A partner a year later. Why are you speculating? You have NO idea if it's even him. It could very well be his wife. Since this has triggered old feelings in you, make it about you and not your xMM. You can't stop him from looking unless you password protect your site and make it private. Unfortunately, some ex's stalk and like to be nosey. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OFGnomore Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 (edited) Why are you speculating? You have NO idea if it's even him. It could very well be his wife. Since this has triggered old feelings in you, make it about you and not your xMM. You can't stop him from looking unless you password protect your site and make it private. Unfortunately, some ex's stalk and like to be nosey. WWU: It's from his "COMPANY X" workserver, so it really can't be his wife. But it doesn't matter if it doesn't escalate. H knows and we're talking about it. However, I thought it important to share this on this board anyway. And it was Spark and my H who suggested he's probably back at it again. That was not my first reaction. It's another piece of how affairs play out, how some people heal and others don't. Regardless of what's being put on public display or what's being told to a BS. And FTR, I'm sure xMM hasn't shared with his W he's been checking up on me. Just more emotional dishonestly, IMO. And IME, and let me reiterate this is JMHO, a confession makes a big difference in reconciliation more times than not. (Owl's situation excluded of any situation I know of). Thanks for reading and responding, now it's time for me to slip back into cyberspace. Edited January 4, 2010 by OFGnomore clarification Link to post Share on other sites
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