4 months of NC and ex shows up

[Chris21]

A little bit of background: Back in early August my girlfriend of 2.5 years gave me the ole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. I was heartbroken as I purchased an engagement ring a month prior and was planning the proposal when she did this (she didn't find out about the ring until a while after we broke up when one of our mutual friends told her I had one for her) so I was pretty serious. Completely in love with this girl type thing.

 

I talked to her for about a month after the breakup but once I found out that she was dating someone else I decided to visit her for one last time (saw her, stayed the night at her place for the night) and on the drive back I decided to just go NC.

 

I stuck to NC, if she contacted me, usually through Skype, I just ignored it and moved on, deleted her on Facebook and just started the recovery process and changing my plans for this year (I had plans to move to her town when I got my degree in May). So over Christmas break I get a text from her saying she bought some shoes and they reminded her of me. I just ignored it and moved on.

 

Every other day since the start of christmas break I started getting texts such as, I'm seeing this movie and I thought of you, I was watching this show and thought of you. They were open ended and even if I wanted to respond I didn't know what to say. The only text I responded to was the one where she wished me a Merry Christmas and I did wished her one back.

 

Well after christmas she sent another text which I just say "I understand you don't want to speak to me, I just want to be nice to you and I'm very sad that you won't speak to me" Foolishly I wrote her back saying that it wasn't that I didn't want to talk to her, it's just I didn't know what to say to her text.

 

Well since then we've had quite a few conversations, she uses pet names for me and such. It's nice to hear from her but she still is with her bf (it's been 4 months that they've been together, and she never talks about him when I speak to her, at all, I only this through a mutual friend) and she is very inquisitive about me and what I'm doing and who I'm hanging out with.

 

While I love talking to her recently, I don't think it's a good idea, I still harbor a lot of feelings towards her and after our conversations I always feel a little like I did right after the break up, I miss her and this and that. I also don't think she is interested in anything romantic with me, even if she was single and wanted to be back with me she would never admit it.

 

I don't know if I should politely just say I don't want to talk to her at all, I really don't know. She is a very prideful girl and I'm pretty surprised that she is messaging me at all, she never likes to initiate contact and she was pretty offended that I didn't want to talk to her anymore.

 

Thoughts? Sorry for the long post :/

[Davey McG]

If she wants to get back with you, then she'd be banging the door down.

 

She's probably nosey and misses the friendship side of the relationship. Also, nobody likes the guilt of really messing another person up.

 

I would stop responding. She'll probably try a few guilt trips so she can have the type of friendship she wants (i.e. you liking her and feeding her ego) but stay strong.

[Oh Moe]

I was in a similar situation. Dated nearly three year. She broke it off out of no where then after a week of no contact she called nearly everyday to satisfy her needs not mine.

I asked her to stop calling, she didn't, she's dating a low life and I wanted nothing to do with her like this even though I love her to death. She through my kids under the bus, rude and disrespectful to them as much as me.

I still treated her with respect was never rude to her or her kids and always answered her calls and text.

I finally had to be super rude and disrespectful to her because I was still getting the occasional text, what do you want, you alright, did you call me.

She's bopping a CH why is she bothering me? This set me back everytime!

Ignore her if she wants you she will come back and get you with actions not words. I now don't want my ex back I after 4 months have no feelings for her I actually dislike the person she is.

 

Avoid Avoid Avoid.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Oh Moe

[Simon Attwood]

If she wants to get back with you, then she'd be banging the door down.

 

 

Nice fantasy, but that rarely happens in the real world.

 

Chris,

 

To avoid you getting your hopes up. Confront her.

 

Don't let yourself get wrapped up in playing all the dysfunctional games that so often get discussed and suggested by others. Be straight and be honest. Lay it on the line.

 

Be blunt; ask her why she is contacting you. Tell her how you feel and how her contacting you makes you feel. Tell her that it gets your hopes up of a reconciliation and if that is not her intention then you need to know because otherwise it is torturing you and for your own peace of mind you would be better off trying to forget her and that you can't do that while she is contacting you.

 

or words to that effect.

[DustySaltus]

NC is about healing yourself and for 4 months you sounded very strong. Well, now you are back to day one. Rehasing old memories and what could've been sucks. It's a waste of time because as said above, she isn't beating down your door.

 

You bought this girl an engagement ring. You were VERY serious about her and it made her feel guilty. She wants you to let her off the hook, don't let her. Don't say anything. Avoid her and DO NOT respond to her. Unless she is willing to walk a mile through hot coals for you (and that's only a start) it's just an attempt to make herself feel less guilty.

 

I was engaged. I know the type of commitment you were willing to make to her. Let her realize that for the next 1000 years or so. Stick to NC, you were on the right track. Now get back to doing things for yourself.

[DustySaltus]

Nice fantasy, but that rarely happens in the real world.

 

Chris,

 

To avoid you getting your hopes up. Confront her.

 

Don't let yourself get wrapped up in playing all the dysfunctional games that so often get discussed and suggested by others. Be straight and be honest. Lay it on the line.

 

Be blunt; ask her why she is contacting you. Tell her how you feel and how her contacting you makes you feel. Tell her that it gets your hopes up of a reconciliation and if that is not her intention then you need to know because otherwise it is torturing you and for your own peace of mind you would be better off trying to forget her and that you can't do that while she is contacting you.

 

or words to that effect.

 

This won't do anything at this point because he already started contacting her again. She just wants to feel less guilty. He could do this but then he needs to drop off the face of the earth afterwards. IMO, he doesn't owe her anything, he was ready to make the ultimate commitment, she quit.

[Simon Attwood]

She just wants to feel less guilty.

Perhaps, but if he does as I suggested, he gets clarification of that without any of those haunting doubts

 

he was ready to make the ultimate commitment, she quit.

 

It happens a lot. It happened with my wife before we were married

[tnttim]

She wants you back dude, don't let anyone tell you any different. She wouldn't be contacting you if she didn't. I bet she is realizing the common denominator in her bad relationships is her, she's causing the pain she feels. Now that she is with this dips*it, she realizes she threw away a good relationship with you.

The ball is in your court, it's up to you now. If you want her back, ask her out on a date. If not delete the b*tch from your life and find another.

[DenverBachelor]

She wants you back dude, don't let anyone tell you any different. She wouldn't be contacting you if she didn't. I bet she is realizing the common denominator in her bad relationships is her, she's causing the pain she feels. Now that she is with this dips*it, she realizes she threw away a good relationship with you.

The ball is in your court, it's up to you now. If you want her back, ask her out on a date. If not delete the b*tch from your life and find another.

 

Doubtful. She's dating someone else because of GIGS and although she may not be as happy as she thought she would be, she has only been throwing occasional bread crumbs at him to see if the pigeons are still in the park.

 

Even if she did want him back, why would he want her back? She broke it off. When someone breaks it off once, they'll break it off again. People don't become loyal overnight. Breaking up is the biggest sign of disloyalty you can show -- it means you didn't feel the relationship was worth sticking around in.

 

Chris sounds very strong and I'd recommend just continuing with NC and playing the field. Eventually you'll find someone who has a little more sticking around power.

[Simon Attwood]

It's not all down to loyalty ... sometimes people break it off because they are scared.

[DenverBachelor]

It's not all down to loyalty ... sometimes people break it off because they are scared.

 

Well the definition of loyal is "steadfast in allegiance or duty." So regardless of why they break it off, breaking it off is still a disloyal act. I'm not saying it is always wrong, but that person is no longer going to be loyal to the person they're breaking it off from.

[Simon Attwood]

Loyalty is never guaranteed. Judge not people by their actions, but rather by the motives that lead them to their actions.

[Oh Moe]

Atwood she's seeing most likly sleeping with someone else. If she wanted him back she would break it off straighten her *ss out and then contact him. What kind of a women could she be if she bopping one and contacting him to get back.

And yes over the last 4 months I've become a cynic. LOL If mine comes back now I won't let her near any sharp objects around me.

 

I just last week made sure my ex won't play no more games, Games are for immature idiots.

[HeavenOrHell]

Hard to say if she wants you back or not. My ex wants to see a lot of me but he doesn't want me back.

[TheLoneSock]

A little bit of background: Back in early August my girlfriend of 2.5 years gave me the ole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. I was heartbroken as I purchased an engagement ring a month prior and was planning the proposal when she did this (she didn't find out about the ring until a while after we broke up when one of our mutual friends told her I had one for her) so I was pretty serious. Completely in love with this girl type thing.

 

I talked to her for about a month after the breakup but once I found out that she was dating someone else I decided to visit her for one last time (saw her, stayed the night at her place for the night) and on the drive back I decided to just go NC.

 

I stuck to NC, if she contacted me, usually through Skype, I just ignored it and moved on, deleted her on Facebook and just started the recovery process and changing my plans for this year (I had plans to move to her town when I got my degree in May). So over Christmas break I get a text from her saying she bought some shoes and they reminded her of me. I just ignored it and moved on.

 

Every other day since the start of christmas break I started getting texts such as, I'm seeing this movie and I thought of you, I was watching this show and thought of you. They were open ended and even if I wanted to respond I didn't know what to say. The only text I responded to was the one where she wished me a Merry Christmas and I did wished her one back.

 

Well after christmas she sent another text which I just say "I understand you don't want to speak to me, I just want to be nice to you and I'm very sad that you won't speak to me" Foolishly I wrote her back saying that it wasn't that I didn't want to talk to her, it's just I didn't know what to say to her text.

 

Well since then we've had quite a few conversations, she uses pet names for me and such. It's nice to hear from her but she still is with her bf (it's been 4 months that they've been together, and she never talks about him when I speak to her, at all, I only this through a mutual friend) and she is very inquisitive about me and what I'm doing and who I'm hanging out with.

 

While I love talking to her recently, I don't think it's a good idea, I still harbor a lot of feelings towards her and after our conversations I always feel a little like I did right after the break up, I miss her and this and that. I also don't think she is interested in anything romantic with me, even if she was single and wanted to be back with me she would never admit it.

 

I don't know if I should politely just say I don't want to talk to her at all, I really don't know. She is a very prideful girl and I'm pretty surprised that she is messaging me at all, she never likes to initiate contact and she was pretty offended that I didn't want to talk to her anymore.

 

Thoughts? Sorry for the long post :/

 

Ignore everything she says or does until the words "I made a mistake. I want you back.", or the like, come out of her mouth. Until that happens, nothing she says or does means sh*t and only hurts you. If or when that happens, you can decide what to do from there. Till then, pretend she never existed.

 

This is what is necessary for you to move on. You sound like a great guy, she f*cked up - not you.

[Chris21]

Doubtful. She's dating someone else because of GIGS and although she may not be as happy as she thought she would be, she has only been throwing occasional bread crumbs at him to see if the pigeons are still in the park.

 

Even if she did want him back, why would he want her back? She broke it off. When someone breaks it off once, they'll break it off again. People don't become loyal overnight. Breaking up is the biggest sign of disloyalty you can show -- it means you didn't feel the relationship was worth sticking around in.

 

Chris sounds very strong and I'd recommend just continuing with NC and playing the field. Eventually you'll find someone who has a little more sticking around power.

 

Yeah I doubt it. I guess I need to shut up the voice again in my head that's popped up.

 

She is a very prideful person so lets say things didn't work out with her bf and she wanted me back she would never come around and say it, it would have to work out in a way were I would come back. For her to really say "I want you back" would mean she really wants me back. Hell, during the NC stage I didn't think I would hear from her ever since she was very upset that I would cut off contact with her, which is why it's such a surprise to have her contact me and say sorry for being a bitch. That felt totally foreign to me.

[LovelyDaze]

Yeah I doubt it. I guess I need to shut up the voice again in my head that's popped up.

 

She is a very prideful person so lets say things didn't work out with her bf and she wanted me back she would never come around and say it, it would have to work out in a way were I would come back. For her to really say "I want you back" would mean she really wants me back. Hell, during the NC stage I didn't think I would hear from her ever since she was very upset that I would cut off contact with her, which is why it's such a surprise to have her contact me and say sorry for being a bitch. That felt totally foreign to me.

 

 

I agree with most of the members in telling you to forget it. If she wants you back she needs to SAY SO and not only say so but DO SO.

Do so, means that she no longer is dating ANYONE ELSE and is willing to work on the relationship on both of your terms to make it.

 

Apologies, banter, and well wishes don't mean anything. My ex did all of that stuff Plus ask me to come back...thing was?....he was STILL engaged.

 

That told me he was not serious so I said no and he is now out overseas for the next year(thankfully!).

 

You need to stay strong, believe in yourself and don't feel desperate for your ex's scraps because that is all she feels like giving you.

[trueblue72ny]

Doubtful. She's dating someone else because of GIGS and although she may not be as happy as she thought she would be, she has only been throwing occasional bread crumbs at him to see if the pigeons are still in the park.

 

Even if she did want him back, why would he want her back? She broke it off. When someone breaks it off once, they'll break it off again. People don't become loyal overnight. Breaking up is the biggest sign of disloyalty you can show -- it means you didn't feel the relationship was worth sticking around in.

 

100%agree. AND now you have trust issues with her. she did it once , next time will be even easier because she knows she can get back. how can you trust her to stick around. you become nothing more than a back up unless she is willing to work hard at it. and what are the chances of that? ESPECIALLY when it comes to head strong, prideful people.

[Serena2009]

Yeah I doubt it. I guess I need to shut up the voice again in my head that's popped up.

 

She is a very prideful person so lets say things didn't work out with her bf and she wanted me back she would never come around and say it, it would have to work out in a way were I would come back. For her to really say "I want you back" would mean she really wants me back. Hell, during the NC stage I didn't think I would hear from her ever since she was very upset that I would cut off contact with her, which is why it's such a surprise to have her contact me and say sorry for being a bitch. That felt totally foreign to me.

 

Hi Chris,

 

You sound like a very considerate and respectful guy who deserves the same in return.You say that her pride would get in the way of her admitting if she wants you back. I could understand her pride getting in the way if she was the dumpee, but not the dumper. Being the dumper, no matter her level of pride, she must know at some level that its going to take her coming forward in order re-engage in a relationship, if that's what she wants. If she wants to re-establish the relationship with you, there's no way pride is going to get in her way. And, I really think it could set you back if you swallow your pride and let her know you still have feelings for her before she lets you know exactly where she stands. I know how hard it is after all the hard work of NC when an ex resurfaces and having no idea of what they want. And sometimes when they resurface . . . they don't have any idea of what they want either. I've been off LS since October during the last episode of my resurfacing ex. A new episode of resurfacing during the holidays is what brings me back to the forums. It's hard because depending on how they engage, it often rekindles memories and hope and can result in a setback for us, the dumpees. It can really mess with your mind. There's wisdom in going NC and moving on unless she begs you back. There's also wisdom in asking her point blank, "What do you want out of the relationship." One thing I do know is I'll never swallow my pride and pursue someone who has dumped me no matter their issues. Something else to think about is how very hard it is to re-establish a relationship after a breakup because you really can't immediately go back to where you left off, and you may not be able to get there again ever. Be strong and make sure to put your own wants and needs first. It's not her pride that's most important in this, it's yours!

[Serena2009]

It's not all down to loyalty ... sometimes people break it off because they are scared.

 

I agree Simon that sometimes people break up because they get scared. That's what I'm dealing with, a CP ex who keeps resurfacing. From reading the thread, it doesn't seem like the OP is dealing with an ex that ran due to fear, but I don't know. Even if it is due to fear, it still messes you about when they resurface and aren't clear on what they want.

[Chris21]

Well an update;

 

I got a message from asking if she could talk to me on the phone so I agreed, probably not what I should've done but I was already texting with her so I did it.

 

We spoke for a good two hours, at first it was small talk and then she started asking me some questions about our relationship, one of them was "Why didn't you come and try to fix things when I broke up with you" (usually when something happened I always came to fix things, despite who had the issue with whom) and I told her that I wanted her to meet me half way, I wanted her to show some sort effort that she wanted to work things out. Anyway, she told me that by not coming and fixing things she felt that I was happier without her, I told her that wasn't the case, I just wanted to work things out with her, not just myself doing a lot of talking.

 

So after that we hung up. The next day she messages me again and we start talking and she says she wants to come and visit me (I live 4 hours away) I'm a little shocked by this because first of all she never travels, I mean if she was dying of starvation and she had to drive across the street to get some food she wouldn't do it. She hates to drive. She told me she just wants to visit me and talk in person but when I asked her about what she just said she'd rather talk in person.

 

Now I will be honest, I do want to hear what she has to say, she lives 4 hours away and I don't thinks he would drive 4 hours just to tell me I'm an ******* or something like that. I could tell from the conversation that it was hard for her to talk to me, like stated earlier whenever the topic turned to our relationship she admitted her faults, which for her is something that is very hard to do. I was actually very shocked at how I guess mature she sounded. It used to be when we got in an argument she would go silent and I'd have to try and work out what the problem is.

 

What do you guys think? Should I let her see me, I won't lie, I would like to see her, I haven't seen her since or talked to her (with the exception of a few nights ago) since September.

[sheithappens]

I say do it, driving four hours out of her way is already showing you something regardless of what she tells you, do it man

[Simon Attwood]

Fear is almost totally redundant in our modern world, yet we can still sometimes yield to letting it rule our lives.

 

Don't give in to fear.

 

Do it!!

[0hpenelope]

Oh man, you sound like you have a decent shot at working out the problems.

 

Good luck!

[Chris21]

Well we worked it out and it seems that she wants to stay for 3 days so we'll see how it goes, I'll report back, I'm trying to keep a level head.

 

One thing I've learned so far is that NC is truly a great thing. I didn't talk to her up to this point and recently when I did talk to her it was so much easier to keep a level head, no emotions coming in. Granted I haven't seen her yet but the phone convo was really great.