Has anyone reconciled successfully? 2 part post -Moving out on your own

[mikeymad]

2 part post

 

1st partDidn't want to threadjack tnttim and siebert, but wondering how they (or others) reconciled their marriages. Success breeds success, and I would love to pick your brains.

 

2nd part

I have been living with a friend, and have to accept that I need to find my own place (at least for the time being). To those who have done this, do you get a short term lease? Also do you just go into the marital house and take all your stuff, or let your WAS know you're coming. I hate having the fact of moving my things out...just makes me feel like we're taking one step closer to un-reconciliation. She hasnt' filed, but I know me going back would undoubtedly cause irrepairable harm.

[floridapad]

Hey Mikey,

 

I see you are still going down the reconciliation path. I personally know of two couples that reconciled after their spouses had deep affairs. There W's told them all the same sh*t yours is telling you and Mine is telling me. When I say reconciliation is a long haul I truly meant it. It took those couples almost two years to get to the point where the W finally came back. In BOTH cases the H let go of the marriage, started dating and stopped talking about reconciliation. They both went through their dark periods where the H went nuts and the W was cold to the H and each H finally had a switch that went off in their head that said "time to start moving on for myself and date". And they really did move on. Neither one filed divorce although there was talk about it. In both cases it wasn't until the H actually gave up and started having there own life that they could interact with the W in the old ways and with self confidence. Both, had children together.

 

I am now only getting to that stage where as others were much quicker. I'm sure Seibert and TNTtim will post here and give you their story and you can find common threads between the two couples I mentioned and their own stories.

[mikeymad]

thanks florida. hope things are well with you too. I can feel part of myself wanting to go on because limbo SUCKS. but the other part wants to hang on because letting go just feels wrong.

[floridapad]

Letting go is not wrong. Let go of the OLD marriage, heal yourself and a new one may form. You know the old saying sometimes you have to let go to get it back. You have to let go so you can get your sh*t together. Letting go doesn't mean giving up on your W forever.

[tnttim]

My success came because my attitude changed and kept changing. I wasn't Mr. predictable anymore, or Mr. fly off the handle anymore. I found the line and skated along it as long as I could. I owe a lot of success to Homer Macdonald, and his book "Stop your Divorce" It is full of counter intuitive thinking and acting, and it works wonders. The 3 main pieces of advice I took to heart was:

1. Never contact her, let her call you, keep the conversation under 10 minutes and strictly business, and you end the call.

2. Push the divorce, push the divorce, push the divorce

3. Date other woman, no I'm not crazy it really works to bring her closer

 

The other piece of advise I can give you is: beware of advice on here, you have to look at the person giving it to you. Answer 2 questions before taking advice:

1. did the person succeed in getting back spouse?

2. If not did they learn from their mistakes and are now offering advice contrary to the mistakes they made?

[tnttim]

Letting go is not wrong. Let go of the OLD marriage, heal yourself and a new one may form. You know the old saying sometimes you have to let go to get it back. You have to let go so you can get your sh*t together. Letting go doesn't mean giving up on your W forever.

 

You hit the nail on the head with that statement. If you recon with W it actually is a new relationship. I felt that way a long time ago, I recognized the fact the old marriage was dead and gone, I mourned it and moved on.

[mikeymad]

ARGH...she just texts me that she is cancelling our phone plan TODAY out of spite that I asked that her only form of communication not be text message. I sooooo just want to go over there and talk to her. She'd probably call her parents and get them involved or some crap.

[mikeymad]

So let her know i'm coming to move out my stuff, or just go in when she's gone and clean the place out?

 

and i just found out that her and her therapist think she was in an abusive relationship (not physical) because of her us falling into the giver/taker roles. she declines to say why exactly they think that. I guess I can't defend myself, so that sucks.

Edited January 5, 2010 by mikeymad

[tnttim]

So let her know i'm coming to move out my stuff, or just go in when she's gone and clean the place out?

 

and i just found out that her and her therapist think she was in an abusive relationship (not physical) because of her us falling into the giver/taker roles. she declines to say why exactly they think that. I guess I can't defend myself, so that sucks.

yes let her know

[mikeymad]

how the heck does one split up stuff, if you don't know if things are gonna work out? do you get down to the nitty gritty and take half of everything, or not? I have a feeling after my stuff's gone (or whatever i take that weekend), she will probably change the locks or something dumb like that.

[tojaz]

So let her know i'm coming to move out my stuff, or just go in when she's gone and clean the place out?

 

and i just found out that her and her therapist think she was in an abusive relationship (not physical) because of her us falling into the giver/taker roles. she declines to say why exactly they think that. I guess I can't defend myself, so that sucks.

Keep in mind Mikey, that the therapist is only working from her rewritten version of events, not watching a film of your life. When the history is rewritten, it isn't just for you but for everyone involved. Thats why MC is so important if you can, all sides of the story are put under the microscope. Sadly this is just going to help her reinforce her position as the therapist will support her in any way she can.

 

 

how the heck does one split up stuff, if you don't know if things are gonna work out? do you get down to the nitty gritty and take half of everything, or not? I have a feeling after my stuff's gone (or whatever i take that weekend), she will probably change the locks or something dumb like that.

The easiest mind set is to work forward like you know it "Isn't" going to work out. Not only is that best for you in the long run but makes her face a little reality of her own.

TOJAZ

[mikeymad]

I have a feeling a couple of things went wrong. First of all, when she exposed her EA, I pretty much rolled over and forgave her because of my wanting to work on the marriage. I didn't really hold her accountable.

 

I asked her if someone else was there a few weeks ago, and she said no.

Should I still be looking for signs that it should be going on and expose to family? Install keylogger? Or am I grasping at straws?

 

Would the "3" statements have even worked wince i didn't have the leverage to get her out of the house, and i would be leaving? I'm not sure if it was a straight EA, and the fact that it slowly deteriorated (both of our faults)

Edited January 6, 2010 by mikeymad

[mikeymad]

Also, In Homer's book, he has called a WAW...would this be an ok idea to have my IC call her even though she is in her own IC (which is just reinforcing her POV, and in fact making me look worse)? Apparently most of my decisions are still not rational so I appeal to the greater masses. Yesterday she deleted me from facebook because I mentioned on it that she got an iPhone, and she said "wow-really keeping up on me huh"

[Fitness Dude]

Man, I can't stand reading these stories. No offense Mikey but my heart goes out to you. It's just crazy how alike all these stories are, it's like reading my own life story over and over again, at various stages.

 

I just can't believe that so many marriages end this way. It's so disheartening. I'm starting to ask what is it all for anyway? I mean really, what is marriage for if it's so easlily thrown away by one or both parties.

 

I just can't believe that people fall out of love so easy and it's always because some other dumb *&^% gets involved, and the dumper thinks that life will be so much better. I mean, really? Does anyone else see how silly this is?

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree, my ex fell out of love and we were together 18 years, but he didn't cheat, he is still single, for now. Maybe he will find someone he is happier than he is with me, but most people seem to think he will find it hard to find someone he clicks with so well. We are still close and we are still ourselves with each other, just seems mad to me that we're not together.

Yes it's silly and pointless to bail out when things get a bit tough or not as exciting or whatever.

*bangs head against wall repeatedly*

I remained in love for 18 years, fool that I am.

 

 

I just can't believe that so many marriages end this way. It's so disheartening. I'm starting to ask what is it all for anyway? I mean really, what is marriage for if it's so easlily thrown away by one or both parties.

 

I just can't believe that people fall out of love so easy and it's always because some other dumb *&^% gets involved, and the dumper thinks that life will be so much better. I mean, really? Does anyone else see how silly this is?

[mikeymad]

Has anybody been to one of these seminars? http://www.retrouvaille.org/

Would it be a good idea to broach the subject and ask if she would go? Or since she turned down MC would that be pushing too much. The reason I'm asking is that this weekend I will kind of need to make a decision whether I am signing a lease on an apartment or not, which is kind of a long term committment.

[mikeymad]

and also

 

Maybe this will shed some light on why we can't let go of relationships, feel alone, and fall in love with people because they "love me". It helped me to realize some of the issues in my own personal life.

 

"People with co-dependency may...."

• have trouble saying no.
  
  
• have trouble asking for help.
  
  
• tailor their actions and conversation around getting attention and approval from others
  
  
• feel inferior to others/hold a lot of self-doubt.
  
  
• have high expectations from others, most especially from significant others, and usually get highly angry or irritated when they don't meet those expectations.
  
  
• focus a lot of mental time and attention on other people, especially significant others.
  
  
• have difficulty maintaining a stable relationship with a partner.
  
  
• be in and out of highly volatile (big ups and downs) relationships.
  
  
• be uncomfortable when not in a relationship.
  
  
• be frequently depressed.
  
  

Please read this

 

http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/codependent1.htm

[floridapad]

Nice job Mike. It looks like you're learning a bit about yourself. It can be quite amazing all the self realizations you will come to which will yourself to grow. Sometimes I literally cried because of the self realizations I had about myself. Cried in a good way not in a bad way. Someone once said (and I think I may have said it to you over the phone), one day down the road you will sometimes miss the pain because of all the good it brought about in the end. As they say what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger......If we chose to look inside and do so. Don't foreget to focus on your childhood as well. Good stuff!

[seibert253]

Has anybody been to one of these seminars? http://www.retrouvaille.org/

Would it be a good idea to broach the subject and ask if she would go? Or since she turned down MC would that be pushing too much. The reason I'm asking is that this weekend I will kind of need to make a decision whether I am signing a lease on an apartment or not, which is kind of a long term committment.

 

Good to hear from you Mikey.

 

Many here have done the retrouvaille thing and I've read nothing but good things about it.

 

R takes one thing; 100% commitment from both parties. If you or your WW are not 100% committed, then R is impossible.

 

I don't know your WW, but I'm leary that she doesn't want to attend MC. To me, it's doesn't sound like she's 100% committed.

 

In my instance it took several weeks, and smack upside the head of my FWW with the 2X4 of reality, for her to realize what she was getting ready to throw away. Only when she was 100% committed to saving our marriage, did the journey begin. I told her at the beginning, unless she was committed, we were wasting our time and I would D her.

 

I told my FWW that I would not demand she do anything, but if she agreed to things that I felt would repair our relationship, it would show she was giving her all. I told her that I scheduled MC sessions, told her I was going, and asked if she wished too go. Before I even finished the question she told me she wanted to go. She gave it her all as did I. Been moving forward ever since.

 

I know 6 other couples who's marriages were invaded by infidelity. Half went to counseling, half did not. The half that did are still married. The half that did not are no longer married.

 

Just my .02 here.

Good Luck to you and God Bless.

[mikeymad]

we are both going to IC, which IMHO, isn't helping "us". but I will continue to work on myself nonetheless. She doesn't want to go to MC, and I don't think wants to even do a bit of work at this point. Not only are we having relationship issues, but financial strain has come into the mix as well, which adds to the complexity of what we are going through. I feel like letting her know what i'm experiencing, as if these realizations will show her I am actually going through things, learning and applying...but that might be the supposed codependant talking Yes it helps to understand, but now I question everything I do under a microscope.