wife is having affair and playing games with me

[jrarena]

Well, where to start. I first found out that my wife was having an affair about 4 months ago and it was with a coworker. I discovered the affair after looking at the cell phone bill and finding that someone had been texting her when she went out with her friends on a friday night. I called the number and discovered it was another man; someone I had known when I used to work at the same place about 7 years earlier. After I discovered the affiar--to which they both denied--my wife said that we should separate to work on our marriage. I went to stay with my sister for a few weeks out of state only to discover through her myspace account that he had taken her to see a famous comedien's show. On this comediens facebook page, the other put a posting that said "hey i was at your show with a first date and now i think she wants to be my girlfriend". I also discovered that he took her on an overnight trip to another state to watch our hometown football team play. A message to him on Myspace stated--he is packing for his trip now:) I can't wait to goto the game and spend the night with you. I've found many more emails where he was putting me down and expressing his love for her and saying what a great life they would have together. When I came back from my trip I was a mess; I had lost 50lbs. I moved back into the house against her wishes, so that I could take care of our 5 year old daughter (i was a stay at home dad all summer). She would leave on the weekends to be with this guy and would sit on the couch and text him while I was sitting in the same room. Long story short--she took my daughter up to meet him and his kids to go trick or treating and I was not very happy about this. I confronted her about it and she went to the police department the next day and said she feared for her life--even though we had only had an argument. She got her wish--I was arrested 24 hours later and made to leave the house. Once I left the house she would still call me up to do yard work, put our daughter to bed or just have some tea and watch TV. All the while, she was still with this guy and playing both of us. She would go up to see him on the weekends and on her way back would call me to see if I wanted to hang out. I finally put my foot down after I bought them a xmas tree and he came over the next day and decorated it--what a kick in the teeth. After reading a post on this website I decided not to talk to her anymore. I don't answer her phone calls or text messages and I don't call her. Anyway--that should be enought to comment on. I have more stories but will save them for my responses. thanks

[imagine]

There is a regular pattern that happens between waywards. Likewise there is a regular pattern revering it.

 

Expose everything to all friends and family members including your children and ask their support. Expose OM. Consult a lawyer to investigate alimony claims. Confront OM and tell him that you are going to fight for your wife. No violence please. This is your wife major failure not his.

 

Next, your need meet your WW's needs. Possibly getting a job would be high on her list. Avoid all arguments. This does not mean that you can not share your feelings of disgust for her behaviour.

 

Look smart at all times -be attractive.

[hopesndreams]

She would leave on the weekends to be with this guy and would sit on the couch and text him while I was sitting in the same room.

 

Welcome to the club, the LS club. I, too, sat in the same room as my stbxh while he chuckled away and texted his MOW.

 

After reading a post on this website I decided not to talk to her anymore. I don't answer her phone calls or text messages and I don't call her.

 

You are of superior intelligence. Your heart doesn't overrule your brain.

 

What are you doing now?

[whichwayisup]

Get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Write down EVERYTHING and keep a journal. Print out EVERYTHING you have on her and this guy, their conversations etc (do a print screen to capture it) pictures, comments..

 

YOU are the stable parent, not her. Right now she's in affairyland, listening to what crap this guy is serving her on a stick. He certainly is playing her like a fiddle .. And he IS going to turn around and dump her, only a matter of time..

 

Take control, talk to your friends, your family, HER family and let everyone know what she's been up to. Get support, burst her little fantasy bubble. Maybe once reality kicks in she'll wake up and realize she's busting her own family for some guy who's whispering sweet nothings in her ear.

[jrarena]

well i will tell you--it took me a long time to realize that I should have no contact with her anymore. I fell for every trick she played on me. I shoveled the driveway, bought her xmas tree, helped her get my daughter ready for school when she didn't want to get out of bed. But to anyone else going through this--once you stop contacting them and take it day by day--it gets a lot easier.

To answer your question--right now I am finally working and staying with my best friend and putting my life back together.

[El Ben]

May I ask - what do you want from this situation? Do you want your wife back? Do you want to move on??

Personally I don't understand why anyone would want to reconcile a marriage after their WS cheated on them - I would either redefine the relationship or totally walk away. But all this talk of exposing the affair, calling the OM is rather petty and pointless in my opinion. If I was the OM/W, I would mock the person who came to accuse me of being with his/her WS. In my opinion, whatever happens is between you and your spouse, you have NO business with the OM/OW.

 

I totally support what you're doing, improve yourself, be there for your kids, and move on. She may come back, she may not.

[jrarena]

For months, I tried to get her back. I wrote her a few poems that made her absolutely break down in tears and sob uncontrollably on my shoulder. She told me that she felt guilty for what she was doing but didn't want to hurt his feelings either. I know this guy and even talked to his ex wife and she said that he had cheated on her many times and even got one of the girls pregnant (she ended up having a miscarriage). He offered this girl $10,000 to have an abortion and threatened to shoot himself if she told anyone. He even had an affair on the day his son was born and was outed to his wife by his own Mom. My biggest fear had been that he was just out for a piece from my wife and that he would end up hurting her. However, my 6 year old daughter got in the truck the other night and said "guess what Mom told me? She said that her and Nathan are going to get married and that he's going to be my step dad". We haven't even had a temporary custody hearing yet!! What kind of sick mind would do this to a child? My inlaws even confronted this guy in person and told him to leave my wife alone and he totally lied and said they were just friends. If two people believe that what they are doing is ok then why do they lie about it to everyone else? Thanks to this forum, I have had no contact or very limited contact with her. When I drop my daughter off, I give my daughter a hug and kiss and just leave. I still love my wife but I'm at the point now where I would never be able to trust her again.

[jrarena]

I might also add that she has introduced my daughter to this guy already and they spend weekends at his house and he will sometimes come down and spend the night at my old house. My daughter said to me the other day "Dad, I woke up the other night when I had a bad dream and went into Mom's room and Nathan was sleeping in your bed". Are they absolutely living in some sort of fantasy world where it's ok to totally disregard the best interests of the children?

[lkjh]

Its sick what marriage has become in this world. The sad part is that no matter what the wife does the H will be the bad guy. I am sorry you are going through this, I really envy other cultures that punish behavior like your wife's and the OM.

[phineas]

well i will tell you--it took me a long time to realize that I should have no contact with her anymore. I fell for every trick she played on me. I shoveled the driveway, bought her xmas tree, helped her get my daughter ready for school when she didn't want to get out of bed. But to anyone else going through this--once you stop contacting them and take it day by day--it gets a lot easier.

To answer your question--right now I am finally working and staying with my best friend and putting my life back together.

 

been there. Done that.

The only difference is she was screwing my brains out almost every day.

I don't know why.

My IC couldn't figure out why either because he'd rarely seen that situation in his sessions.

 

She was out of the house.

She was screwing the other guy.

 

Why keep banging the bajeezus out of me?

 

Well, most likely because she didn't want me to move on until she had the OM hooked.

 

Messed up.

 

I might also add that she has introduced my daughter to this guy already and they spend weekends at his house and he will sometimes come down and spend the night at my old house. My daughter said to me the other day "Dad, I woke up the other night when I had a bad dream and went into Mom's room and Nathan was sleeping in your bed". Are they absolutely living in some sort of fantasy world where it's ok to totally disregard the best interests of the children?

 

Yeah, my 3 1/2 yr old tells me he had breakfast at OM's house sometimes.

He talks about OM sleeping in mommy's bed & there isn't room for him.

 

Makes me want to hire someone to break his legs.

 

Telling him to stay away from my wife didn't work 9 months ago.

Now I don't care.

I just don't want him around my kids.

 

I don't have to worry too much longer though.

We all know he's gonna dump her & move on once she's free to "marry her true love"

[jrarena]

oh yeah--here's something that happened to her when she was younger--let me know what you think. When she was younger she traveled all over the world with her parents who were missionaries for the church. When she turned 16 she met a 40 something year old married man with 3 children and they started to secretly date. The guy got in trouble because he had been sleeping with his 17 year old babysitter who had found out about him sleeping with my ex so she turned him in to authorities and he went to prison for 5 years. In those 5 years my ex would visit him in prison all the time and when i met her, she had a stack of letters from him from prison. after we were married and he was out of prison, him and my wife were contacting each other behind my back. The only thing that stopped it was my father in law who found out and contacted him to inform him that she was married. Does it seem like some sort of pattern to anyone?

[LisaUk]

You need to see a lawyer, file and get custody of your daughter. Document everything, your w has no respect for your daughters wellbeing to have this OM in the house and tell her they are getting married etc when she is still married to you, what kind of message is that sending to a six year old. It is confusing enough for your daughter that daddy has moved out, kids come first, see a lawyer.

[phineas]

yeah.

messed up.

 

I recently found out from one of my wives co-workers that she got drunk at a bar a cried about how I think she is having an affair with this guy who is "just a friend" & kicked her out of the house & she doesn't know what to do.

 

This was after I caught her sending nude pictures to her "friend" & she left me then got her own place & wanted to work it out.

 

The funny part?

She was absolutly smashed & couldn't drive.

Who did she call to pick her up?

Her "just a friend".

Not her husband.

 

I didn't think the BS reason she gave me for switching office buildings in her company made sense.

 

Now I know the real reason she did it.

She spent yrs telling everybody at work how awful of a husband I was.

crying about how she's suffered for 3 yrs in a horrible marriage.

Coincidently the same amount of time she was cheating on me.

 

She had to leave because everybody knew she was a liar & a cheater.

 

And that's the worst part.

Even drunk she couldn't admit to herself that she was a cheater & liar.

Even now she still detaches from the fact that she cheated on me & talks like our seperation was a mutual decision.

 

When she last pissed me off by saying I never decorated the house for christmas I told her I did. I just stopped decorating when she started cheating. She went silent on me.

I hung up & the next day she acted like it never happened.

 

Messed up.

 

The harsh truth is she had you arrested so she could bang another man in YOUR bed.

It's time to pull the plug.

 

You will eventually realize you made a good decision.

You're child is all that is important right now.

[seibert253]

Have you contacted an Attorney? You need to, ASAFP.

 

I'm not in your situation, but I can tell you this, there's NO F#CKING WAY, she would take my child with her for her weekend excursions with the OM.

 

She needs to come home from one of her weekends to find the locks changed, and her sh#t out in the driveway.

 

Actions have consequences. It's time she learns this.

 

Expose, Expose, Expose. I'd pay for a billboard and tell the whole world. Post on Youtube, the works.

 

Stop letting her disrespect you so.

 

Stand firm, stand tall. If not for you, then for your child.

[jrarena]

unfortunately I'm not in the house anymore. she trumped up some BS domestic charge on me and i was forced to leave. we got into an argument because i found out through facebook that she took my daughter to go trick or treating with this guy and his kids. The next day she went to the police department and let them listen to the argument (she secretly recorded it) and she told them that she feared for her life and 24 hours later they arrested me. but, i have exposed her to everyone I know! I make sure I'm only there for my child and that's it.

[phineas]

Did you threaton her over the phone?

If not, then I really don't see how they can keep you from YOUR Place of residence.

 

Is there a court date?

 

What does your lawyer say about not being allowed in your home?

[LisaUk]

unfortunately I'm not in the house anymore. she trumped up some BS domestic charge on me and i was forced to leave. we got into an argument because i found out through facebook that she took my daughter to go trick or treating with this guy and his kids. The next day she went to the police department and let them listen to the argument (she secretly recorded it) and she told them that she feared for her life and 24 hours later they arrested me. but, i have exposed her to everyone I know! I make sure I'm only there for my child and that's it.

 

Does your wife an interlocutory injunction on you? Did the police go to the local court and obtain a warrant for your arrest on the basis of a restraining order that her lawyer obtained from a court? If not what charge were you on and what are the condtions of your bail? If she does have a restraining order, you can go back to court and get that revoked. (I'm only a law student and in the UK, so I'm not qualified to advise you, but that's the general jist of it). Have you seen a lawyer?

[jrarena]

here's another quick question I have for everyone. She knows that I know about her affair and the fact that the OM stays overnight at our house. However, I can tell when he's going to be staying over because she will pick up our daughter from the place I'm staying at instead of me dropping her off. Why does she feel the need to keep these two worlds separate? Is it the guilt she's feeling or what? I've never threatened this guy or anything.