In An Abusive Family - Looking for Input

[Be Happy]

I was brought up in a neglectful and abusive family with much fallout. As an adult I’m still feeling the effects. Some days I feel weepy, lethargic and misdirected? With years of individual therapy and support there has been excellent improvement. Even last year my Mom and I started therapy, how rare is that. She came in dragging her feet, but she is there! Through many denials about the issues she is starting to open up and accept responsibility for some of her attitudes, behaviors and actions. This is huge. After five decades of bull sh** and lessening contact we are talking – big step. My Dad (domineering figure) who is outwardly unremorseful about his attitudes and behavior has at least softened much. My anger is a fraction of what is was; my resentment is present and unwillingness to forgive is not forthcoming.

 

I’m forever grateful for my wife, children, mentors, colleagues and good friends. Without this network I’d either be six feet under or institutionalized.

 

Here is the issue. I don’t dwell on my birth family’s dysfunctional behavior as I’ve come to accept that they have serious emotional issues – their issues not mine.

However after so many years of being dismissed, I’ve turned it on myself, hence the weepy, lethargic and misdirected feelings and behavior. My intellect knows I can free myself with exercise, diving into pursuits and focusing on career. My inertia and lingering resentment is like a cloud over my head, I’m not getting my butt in gear, but rather falling back into poor habits.

 

Suggestions and input is appreciated.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Be Happy

[quankanne]

it's often said that in order to heal the past, you've got to forgive those who hurt you. Not so much for them, but for YOU, so that you can let go of those hurts and move on. And I think there's a lot of truth in that.

 

because when you hang on to those old grievances – even though it appears you are making great strides – you're really just holding yourself back, and allowing those things to rule you. In other words, you stay mired in that pain because you haven't truly addressed it, and those feelings manifest themselves in ways you don't think about.

 

I don't know if you are a praying man, but it might be something to contemplate, asking a high power (God) to help you let this go by allowing you to find that forgiving part of your nature so that you can heal ... or, if you're not comfortable with the whole "God thing," study up on forgiveness and healing, and learn how to apply it to your situation.

 

there's no guarantee that it'll wipe away problems, but it *will* help you look at things differently and put issues in perspective. You've come such a long way, you deserve true peace over this matter.

 

hugs,

q

[Ronni_W]

Hugs.

I could have written much the same post -- not in the details, but the feelings and struggling to get through what feels like a "last piece" (or close to it.) Also have done lots of all types of therapy. Coincidentally, my mom also went into therapy very late in her life; we didn't do joint, though.

 

I recently read 'Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve' by Lewis B. Smedes, and found it very helpful. Some parts didn't resonate, but there was a HUGE piece that has been quite liberating for me.

You could also search 'forgiveness' at amazon.com, and read the reviews of whichever titles jump out at you before heading over to the library.

 

In the meantime, maybe a 3- or 6-month stint with a coach will help to inspire and motivate you; or join (or start) a group with similar goals at meetup.com; or attend a Toastmaster's meeting? One thing that will take you out of your 'habitual' -- doesn't matter if it seems like a "small" step.

 

Best of luck...we are ALMOST totally free! We CAN get there...and we WILL, yes?

[Be Happy]

Thanks - valuable insights.