zetkin Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I am 22 years old. When I was 19 I met a guy and I thought I fell in love. I did everything to be with him and I finally made him love me. Soon we became really close but I started feeling like he’s not really my man. I couldn’t break up with him because he loved me so much. But I didn’t feel happy with him. Once I cheated on him when I went to vacation with a friend. After one argument we had I let him read about it in my diary. He was devastated but didn’t want to break with me. He became extremely jealous and I felt guilty and couldn’t break up with him and I kept living in this fake relationship imitating love. Last autumn I went to Europe for two month, I met new people and had new experiences. I met another guy (nothing serious, but I cheated again and once again I didn’t hide that). Once again he was devastated but once again he was ready to forgive me. But I finally got the courage, told him I didn’t love him and didn’t want to be with him. I hurt him so much. The break up was awful. It happened more than a year ago, but I still can’t get over it. I mean that I don’t want any relationship any more. I met some guys since then but they were all from abroad and whatever happened between us I always knew it wouldn’t lead to anything serious. Now I understand – I can only be happy with a guy if I know – he’ll leave soon and I won’t ever see him again. Other ways I got scared and run away immediately. I want to believe I’ll get over some day, but when? Link to post Share on other sites
Boundary Problem Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 Now I understand – I can only be happy with a guy if I know – he’ll leave soon and I won’t ever see him again. Other ways I got scared and run away immediately. I want to believe I’ll get over some day, but when? Sounds like you are very emotionally self-sufficient. And the people you are dating must be pretty boring if you can let them go so easily. Selfish people can be boring if all they talk about is themselves (notice how when they run out of stuff to talk about they just start back at the beginning). Try dating people who have more to GIVE to others and you might learn something about yourself and the world, and suddenly letting the person go will see to be a bit of a sacrifice rather than a blessed relief. I'm not a big people person myself, so I completely understand your point of view. I guess my advice is look for people who share your interests and values and who challenge your perception of the world. I find older people much more interesting than younger people (more experience, better stories) so maybe try an adventure of dating someone your age or a bit older or experienced or someone who has a more interesting life story, or maybe someone who is of a different culture so you get to experience new food, language and customs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zetkin Posted January 5, 2010 Author Share Posted January 5, 2010 Wow, seems like you know me. The part about self-sufficiency is 100% true. But another thing is - all the people I was with were or might have been interesting. I just didn’t really want to know them. I thought – ok, I’m left with nice memories – that’s good too. Now I am alone and I don’t even want to look for someone. I think that maybe changing place and starting a new life will help. And that’s what I’m thinking to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Pacino Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Maybe you're just an independent person who isn't really "into" anyone you've met. You were 19 when you met this first guy, maybe it was just infatuation or whatever. Only you know if it was love or not, but if it dissapeared just like that, it probably wasn't. Will moving somewhere really solve the problem, or are you just going to be moving with the same problems? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zetkin Posted January 7, 2010 Author Share Posted January 7, 2010 Will moving somewhere really solve the problem, or are you just going to be moving with the same problems? That's what i'm afraid might happen. But I know I have to change my life. Here home I have no friends, because I lost most of them when I started dating my ex-boyfriend - I was spending all my time only with him or his friends, and our mutual friends are not so fond of me any more. Link to post Share on other sites
WantToFixIt Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 [quote=zetkin;2577542 It happened more than a year ago, but I still can’t get over it. I mean that I don’t want any relationship any more. I met some guys since then but they were all from abroad and whatever happened between us I always knew it wouldn’t lead to anything serious. Now I understand – I can only be happy with a guy if I know – he’ll leave soon and I won’t ever see him again. Other ways I got scared and run away immediately. I want to believe I’ll get over some day, but when? I am struggling to understand what this means. You have a clear starting point more than a year ago. Which part of the break up are you still not getting over? It sounds like what you are not getting over is guilt and something to do with trust. Guilt can be a tough thing at times and can manifest itself in other ways. Let go of the guilt and forgive yourself (forgive him too while you are at it). Maybe then you can trust enough again to get over it. You can trust yourself too. Maybe trust a guy enough to let him stick around for a while if thats what you want. “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Mark Twain Link to post Share on other sites
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