Trust

[Boundary Problem]

Once upon a time there was a great guy, and he was someone I was very in love with. But I didn't end up settling down with him. Why was that?

 

Basically I couldn't trust him. At the time I told him I was dating someone else (and I was) but that new relationship was still in its infancy and I could have easily bailed on it if I wanted. No the real reason I walked was because I didn't trust him.

 

Why?

 

Basically he has this personality quirk. He didn't mean to break my trust. He didn't intend to break my trust. But through this personality quirk, he did break it.

 

So what does trust mean to a woman? Everything. We can't mate with a man we don't trust.

 

So how is trust broken? When a need is communicated and it is ignored. As women we are programmed to look for a mate to raise a family. At its essence that means if I say we need formula, then he goes and buys formula for the baby. If I express a need for me or my children, he fills it. That is the biological drive for the female search for trust.

 

So how did he break it? Way back when I told him I wanted a more serious relationship. He laughed and strung me along for months. I calmly kept communicating what I wanted for months, and he listened, he cajoled, he charmed, he laughed, but he didn't comply.

 

Until I got the new boyfriend.

 

And then it was too late.

 

He's done it again more recently. Same behaviours and I calmly explained what I needed about 10-12 months ago and he's laughed, strung me along again. And he's broken my trust again.

 

I don't think he consciously does it. But it is a personality quirk with him. And for him it is a game, how long can I string them along before I give in. Maybe he wants to look strong. Maybe he is ambivalent. I don't pretend to understand his thought pattern.

 

But I can say this, I don't think he understands women's core need to trust her man. Say what you will about my ex husband, if I phone him and say I need something - particularly if it is for our son, then he would be here in 10 minutes with what I needed.

 

So as difficult as my marriage was, I still trust my ex-husband.

 

As women, we are primarily responsible for our children and we cannot afford to make a bad choice. Many men make terrible husbands, but women stay with them because they are good fathers, and they meet the needs of their family.

 

If all I have to go on is past behaviour, should I trust him when he says "Oh well I'll be different when I'm raising a family". I can't. All I can go on is his present behaviour. Which is laughing and making me wait if I express a need.

 

I think it is a personality quirk of his and I hope for his sake he fixes it.

 

Look what happened to Prince Charles. He and Camilla were in love and dating. But Charles couldn't make up his mind and he went for military training. When he came back Camilla was married to someone else. Sure they are together today. But look very closely at who she had her children with. It wasn't Charles. She had her children with a man who loved her and who was there to meet her needs and those of her children. Sure in her now middle-age she is having fun with Charles, but raising a family is serious business and she didn't pick Charles. She could have waited on Charles' timetable, but she didn't. He never got over the loss. Camilla's choices illustrate how high TRUST ranks in a woman's need when she mates. Camilla walked away from the future King of England because she lost trust in him and it took him a lifetime to earn back that trust.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Boundary Problem