I have never felt so lost in all my life...

[I Miss the Kiss]

I don't even know where to start... Finding the energy to even explain my situation is very painful. If you are interested, please see my old posts to bring you to a certain point, and I will try to explain from there.

 

I'm trying to think of when i even posted here last, but it was probably sometime in early October when xMM and I were trying NC, although he was still reading and responding to some of my emails, etc., so in that respect it wasn't true NC at all.

 

Anyway, I was at that time still living in the home with my H and our 4 daughters. H thought I had given up on xMM the last time he had broken my heart, which was sometime around mid September.

 

Cut to October 14th... I was in the middle of typing a long, emotional email to xMM. My H came home earlier from work than usual. To make a long story short, I had to leave my home office to go to the kitchen to help my daughter with homework. H thought something was up (I can't remember why, but he did). He went into the office (while I was with my daughter) and clicked around on my computer and opened up a minimized window which contained my "secret" email account and the email draft I was working on for xMM! It was not a sexual email, but it was very detailed as to my feelings and some of our past experiences and our inability to give up on each other. Keep in mind this was during a period when xMM was "working on" his marriage, so I was very heartbroken and trying to heal, although in looking back I was not doing it the right way by continuing to write to him (and read his repsonses).

 

What happened next is painful. My H read the first several lines of the email and came out to the kitchen, asking me to come into the office. Right then I KNEW he had found the mail. I didn't not defend myself or lie. But before we had much conversation, HE LOST IT. He came at me, pushing me with all of his 200 pounds (I am 110 pounds soaking wet). He grabbed my arms so hard that I had bruises for a week after.

 

This confrontation continued, as I tried to get into the office to shut the email window down. I wasn't trying to hide what was in there as much as I was trying to prevent him from being FURTHER angered by continuing to read any more than he already had. As I tried to get back in there, he pushed me back several times, at times knowing me to the floor. he shoved me with a look of almost pure evil in his eyes. At one point I was shoved down on the stairs where I finally decided to protect myself and I tried to kick him between the legs. I missed, but this angered him further...

 

Somehow I got up from the stairs and ran to the kitchen, where I grabbed the phone without a thought and dialed 911. I basically hung up immediately after I did this, as he was coming at me, but apparently the call got through. A few minutes later, I saw a police car pull up out front....

 

The officer came toward the door and could see in the sidelight windows what was happening. Once again, H pushed me down and was screaming hateful and REALLY bad obscenities at me... I let the police officer in the house.

 

DID I MENTION THAT MY FOUR DAUGHTERS WERE WATCHING THIS WHOLE THING? (ages 13, 11, 9, and 7). They eventually went screaming outside and into the backyard, where I later found out they were huddled in the woods.

 

To cut to the end of this, the officer and the subsequent backup officer who came had seen enough and heard enough (through interviews and seeing my red arms) to take my H in on felony battery and confinement charges (the felony arose from my children being present). H was handcuffed and taken in.

 

*sigh* this is a long story....

 

H was in jail overnight, bailed out at 3:45 a.m. but did not come home. I spent the night on the phone with a domestic violence counselor. H came with police escort the next day to pick up clothes, went to stay with a nearby relative.

 

A protective/no contact order was automatically issued due to the moestic violence charges. So for 30 days my H and I could not communicate, although i hate to admit that we eventually did so by leaving each other voicemail messges by dialing directly into the cell voice mail system as to not leave a call trail....

 

I was scared for my children, scared for myself. So after about 30 days, I asked the prosecutor to lift the order so H and I could communicate. It was lifted.

 

H apparently thought it was hunky-dory and he could jkust move right back in without a single counseling session for us or otherwise. I was very heistant and very scared, especially after seeing this angry side of him. I also knew in my heart that I had not processed my feelings for xMM and it would do no good for H to move back under those circumstances.

 

Atfer another 2 weeks, H had had enough and called one day and said he was moving back. He was payng for the house, etc. so he had a right to be there, which of course he did. I knew I could not stop him, and he had a right to be there. So I told him I was leaving.

 

I took my girls and went to my parents' house about 25 minutes away.

I ended up staying there for over 3 weeks and finally got an apartment less than 1 mile from H and our home, where my girls spend about half of their time due to the school bus picking them up there, their bedrooms and all of there stuff is there, and H won't let me have a single thing from the house. I have an Aerobed to sleep on (which is fine) but I have no couch, no table, nothing...

 

Anyway, too many details in that respect to get into now. If there is something missing above, feel free to ask... Anyway, on 11/24 H filed for divorce.

 

OK, here comes the xMM part... It is a bit of a blur, but sometime since I was staying with my parents (I would say early November), xMM at some point decided he had to be with me. He and his W had made a last-ditch effort and flew from Michigan to Oregon to see their counselor that they had been "seeing" by phone on a weekly basis up to that point. this was intended to be one of those intensive marriage weekends that typically fix everything. My xMM had said that unless a "lightening bolt" hit him on this trip, he didn't see how he could bring back feelings of love for his W. We did NOT communicate on his trip at all, which in total (with travel time) was more than 5 days. It was hard, but I knew he had to do it, and I decided that if it is meant to be, it will be....

 

He came home from the trip telling me that it didn't happen. No lightening bolt. So we started talking more and more, probably in part due to the fact that I was living with my parents and had freedom to talk to him whenever, and xMM is a firefighter, so he is on 24 hours at a time. He is away from home quite a bit with that and his other small businesses...

 

So I can't put a finger on when, but sooner or later we were making concrete plans to be together. Many, many details were discussed. At this point, being only about a week from Thanksgiving or so, we decided that he needed to stay with his W til after the holdiays, which basically meant after today (Jan 4, the day his kids went back to school).

 

So all during this time, we spent EVERY SINGLE DAY on the phone, sometimes for hours in total each day. He called me early every morning, through the day, and every night. Sometimes on the night he was having a few beer swith his best friend (which is a weekly thing on Monday nights, not at a bar but at a building he owns), he would call me when his friend left and talk to me for another hour, sometimes getting home afte 1 a.m., which his W obviously didn't like.

 

xMM has dabbled in real estate, so he has some cash flow for that and made an oofer on 3 different homes that would have been large enough (or could have been remodeled) to accommodate

[I Miss the Kiss]

Ahhh.....I always hit send too soon!!!!!

 

Anway, I'm writing the rest... Give me some time...

[fooled once]

What a mess.

 

So when he was suppose to be with his family over the holidays, he was on the phone with you several times, for hours on end I am sure his children appreciated the less than undivided attention he gave them; especially since it seems you and him will be getting together.

 

Will wait for the rest.

 

But will say, I don't get why you continued to email this guy AFTER the affair ended.

[I Miss the Kiss]

Ok... so he was making offers on bank-owned homes, most of them he lost out on. We had talked about his insistence that he pay for Christian schooling for my daughters because his 2 kids attend there. He didn't want my kids to get any less.... I had told him that could come in time, but I didn't want that to be an issue up front...

 

We had decided which kids would room with which kids. We talked at length about my job prospects. He sent me very nice Christmas gifts (we are 3.5 hours apart right now). He sent me one of his firefigher uniform t-shirts so I could sleep in it. He even bought four small gifts for my daughters and asked me to give them from "santa" and take a picture of them wearing the gifts (hats) and send to him...

 

He talked at length, unprovoked, on a daily basis about how he was just ready to move on, that his W was aware of his intentions to some extent and was getting very upset (understandably so). She "knew" without actually being told that he would probably leave after the holidays.... I do believe this much of his story... but it really doesn't matter either way whether she knew or not because...

 

I can't even tell you every detail of our plans, but trust me-- it was very deep and very specific. He called me nonstop telling me how much he loved me. I, being VERY hesitant due to his past pattern of going back to her (read my old posts), constantly questioned him if this was real. For the first time ever, he was continually telling me that he was NOT changing his mind, that we had to do this, that we couldn't turn back, that he needed to move on to stop hurting his W any further... He needed to be with me, he loved me... He wanted to be a part of my girls' lives... We had DATES scheduled. I took a short-term lease at my apartment (for which I paid a premium) so I could move to his area right after school is out in early June, which is also right after my D would have been final, or still will be....

 

xMM KNOWS all of this, he knows what I did for him. He knows I am paying more for my apartment and many other things... for him.

 

He would actually get upset (Although I can say that we have never, ever had a fight. Never. We get along in an amazing way and have never ONCE argued). However, he would get a little ttesty if I contunally asked him if he was scared or if he was having second thoughts. I asked him this a LOT. He always said "No way! I am so happy!"

 

Ok, cut to this past week... Every day we talked, as usual. He was still happy and speaking of the details. He actually called me one afternoon and at the end of the conversation said straight out: "I love you, XXXX. We are going to be together." Period. End of story.

 

Final day: New Year's Eve. He had to work, so we talked a bit that day and then a lot that night. He got called out on a rescue at one point, and even thought it was late, he called me back to talk more when he returned. He (on his own, without prompting) told me he loved me during both conversations that night. We talked about how next NYE we would do this and that together....

 

GET THIS: At one point, I was feeling tired and wondering to myself if we will ever truly get there, if we will be together... I saidd, "Honey, is this ever going to happen?" His reply, "Yes! Actually, it needs to happen next week, before my appointment with my attorney." (which is scheduled for 1/8/10). This appointment was made 3 weeks ago. Not to file divorce specifically, but to get information as to finances and how much of his income he will lose with child support and alimony, also with respect to his businesses and how much he would have to give his W from that, etc).

 

So he says this, and I replied, "Can you tell me why you think it will actually happen this next week?" He replied, "Because it needs to happen sooner rather than later, because my W is a trainwreck and very uspet, she is unreveling. I need to do this to stop putting her through it. I need to move on...."

 

Ok.... We say our goodbyes, our I love you's.... the next morning he gets off work at 8 a.m. He usually calls or at least texts "good morning" or replies to my "good morning" text.

 

NOTHING.......

 

All day Friday. NOTHING. Eventually Friday night I call his cell directly, even though I knew he could be at home, but I was panic-stricken as we have never gone this long without talking, and I had a BAD feeling... The cell goes straight to voicemail. It was off....

 

By Saturday morning I KNEW the a-hole had chickened out yet again and had chosen her. Two more month of my life with plans and promises. (And mind you, before that time he had NEVER promised me ANYTHING. Before it was just me who allowed myself to trust him, without a promise at all... this time was different. Even his words were far more committed. When asked he actually would tell me over and over that this was finally it, even though I gave him EVERY chance to tell me he was scared, which he openly did in the past... but not this time. It was all systems go....

 

So finally at about 11:30 a.m. on Saturday I get a text. One stinking TEXT. It said "The lightening bolt hit. I need time. I am on my way to Flrida to sort myself out. I won't have my phone on much, XXXX (insert his name here) time to the max, sorry."

 

And there you have it.... dumped by a text.

 

I, being crushed and freaked out, called many times that day and night. the phone was on but never answered (he was suppsoedly driving to Florida at this time, but who really knows.) I left voicemails with my breakdown very evident. The biggest thing (and I told him) was that I had NO IDEA what happened! One day we are about to be together, then NOTHING. It was and still is HEARTWRENCHING.

 

I will not

[fooled once]

what a complete a hole.

 

I hope you are done calling him. I get how much you are hurting. He and his wife are probably together in FL.

 

I can't believe how badly he screwed you over.

 

I truly hope you are DONE with him and his lies. I have a feeling, when he calls again - and he will - you will melt and accept all his crap again - he will say he is sorry, he was just scared, blah blah blah.

 

Guess the lawyer visit has been cancelled, if it was actually even made.

 

He has proven to you with words and ACTIONS that you are not the one for him. He is nothing but a liar.

 

I am so sorry you are hurting - so sorry. But, it is a blessing. A blessing that you didn't get even further with him and get hurt even more.

 

((hugs))

[I Miss the Kiss]

aaaaa again I lost my last continuance of my story... but I think I have given you the idea.

 

And to the replies I have received already, I will tell you that as crushed as I am, I will NOT let him back into my life.

 

I don't think he will call me. I don't know how he will. She is obviously watching his every move now and his phone bill... NO I don't blame her for that, but its a fact...

 

The only thing still "out there" is our email accounts, which she to date has NEVER known about. She always assumed he emailed me from his work account, which he never once did. Whether he will go to that length remains to be seen, but I need to block it before it even happens.

 

I know its easy to say this, but this man TRULY loves me in some way. Honestly, I think he was quite smitten. BUT.... that doesn't matter now. Reality has hit him in the face. I just wish I knew what happened. Its human nature to want to know...

 

Yes, I would think the attorney appointment (if ever even scheduled) is off as of now....

 

I don't know how he has slept since the day he did this to me, I know I couldn't. It was the most gutless and heartless way to end things I have ever seen.

 

Get this: I went on his wife's facebook profile (please remember how emotionally unstable I am right now!). Although her profile is private, I can see her profile pic, which is one of the family taken on Christmas Day. I know this because it is on his sister's blog as well. Further, she posted on her wall a Bible quote that had something to do with trusting God and things will all work out in the end (to paraphrase). This was at 9:30 a.m. on Saturday, and it was 11:30 a.m. that same day that she called my phone and hung up... I'm thinking it was downhill from there... I think all day Friday was spent with him telling her he was staying etc. Saturday morning was probably good until for some reason she did some digging... then the number change.

 

It doesn't matter. He has not contacted me or given me the human decency to let me know what happened that he could and would leave me with a life that will never happen.... As I said, its not so much that he chickened out (I truly almost expected it), but the fact that he didn't have the balls to talk to me, even when I called him... This was the man I loved????

 

I'm exhausted. I am fighting with everything I have not to communicate via email. I know he will not answer, but more so I know he doesn't deserve to hear from me....

 

I want to die right now... seriously (but will not do it.... its just that I feel that bad!)

 

Makes me sick that his W thinks she has got him back on track, when really she is living with a pathological liar who will fool her for years to come. its not my place to tell her, but part of me wishes she knew the depth of his plans to be with me.... but it doesn't matter now. I wonder if it will all fall apart when the "new" wears off this reconciliation (remember, I've seen it before). he will get frustrated with her not trusting him, he will get upset, bla bla bla....

 

I just hope it is harder for him to bring himself to contact me now that it won't be easy by phone or text. I need to block him just in case, but not sure if I can do that yet... The morbid curiousity in me wants to see if he even tries... Sad but true....

 

Any help and comfort is appreciated. I am broken...

[Chingaling]

I don't know what to say ... here are ((((hugs)))) and more ((((hugs)))).

[lkjh]

way to make yourself into a victim, when you only think about yourself this is what happens

[NoIDidn't]

IMTK

 

It sounds to me like he got busted. His "my W is a trainwreck. I need to stop putting her through this" line makes me think that his constant calling and speaking to you put her and his family on alert and she busted him.

 

Of course he can't leave now. He's seeing how much his actions have hurt her and his family. But that doesn't mean that he's not leaving. He IS going to Florida to "sort himself out", and they don't live in Florida. So, who knows what the end of this is going to look like?

 

I feel really sorry for the way things happened between you and your H. I know you feel like things were pretty much over, even though you still contacted the MM, but that was the first time that your H had read those things. And he was likely heartbroken, but like many men could only express it as extreme anger. I'm sorry he took it out on you, and in front of your kids like that.

 

I guess the best you can do right now is move forward in your own life. Your own marriage isn't completely settled yet, so move forward with whatever life is bringing you for now.

[whichwayisup]

Good post NID..

 

Your H totally lost it..Not justifying what he did and how he handled it, but reading what you wrote, realizing you were cheating on him, made him break down and (yes it was wrong of him to do what he did, and infront of the kids) I'm sure he regrets it now..It's something HE has to deal with for the rest of his life - Face his own kids, look them in the eye and gain their trust back so they won't be scared of him. I hope he does some counselling to help him cope with this. Affairs bring out the worst in people and everyone gets hurt - And, as you experienced, people can do things they normally would never ever do, when pushed past their emotional limit..

 

Anyway, as for your exMM - I hope you do let him go and just focus on you and your kids, healing and starting over alone. You have been through ALOT and now it's time to forget MEN and rebuild...Take time to do this and rely on good friends, family to help you along the way.

[White Flower]

I Miss the Kiss,

 

Love the username! Hate your story. You just don't even know how much I relate to it and if you have PM (private message) capabilities hit me up some time.

 

It sounds like MM IS a pathological liar. I'm sure he does love you, but that doesn't cancel the pathological behavior that hurts you so much.

 

It will be very tempting to take him back when he calls and he will call again. His job makes it too damn easy for his weak character to pass up the chance. If you make it easy for him, he will come back for the sweets and make more, even better, promises only to do the same thing again. It will feel worse the second time around, trust me, when he dumps you again.

 

The only way you will ever be with this guy in the end is if his W dumps him and sets him free. He has no cajones because he allows her to cut them off and set them high up on a shelf. Well, maybe that's not fair, I don't know what her dynamics are but I know the dynamics of my exMM's W and she is into emasculating him.

 

I'm strong today but don't know about tomorrow so I'm right there with you. Dust yourself off, take a deep breath and move on.

 

I D'd as well after meeting MM and struggle to this day but the one thing I have that I couldn't have with exH or exMM is AUTHENTICITY. And I will never live without it!

 

Use this lesson to help you decypher the next man's intentions with you. Only give yourself to someone with strong character and integrity.

 

And put LKJH on ignore. Works for me.

 

((((I Miss the Kiss))))

[greengoddess]

Wow you do realize that what you did to your husband is what the mm did to you? You had your husband believe your affair was over and you were working on your marriage when it was all a lie just like the mm had you believe his marriage was over and was working on your future? I guess you know the cruelty you treated your husband with.

 

You don't sound positive about the divorce now. Please please for your husbands sake do not try to get our marraige back. Do not make your husband your second choice. No more cruelty. No more games. End it and find yourself. Divorce your husband with dignity and don't continue the hurt. Stay away fro the other man's marriage.

 

Your poor children must be so hurt and angry right now. To see their daddy be so violent and to know it's because their mommy broke her marriage vows and was having sex with another man. Watch your girls carefully. This could make them promiscuis. They saw it, they watched it, they may act it. Also watch when they get boyfriends. They love their daddy so may think getting abused does not make a man bad. Are the girls in IC? For their future I think they need it.

[Brokenlady]

Makes me sick that his W thinks she has got him back on track, when really she is living with a pathological liar who will fool her for years to come. its not my place to tell her, but part of me wishes she knew the depth of his plans to be with me.... but it doesn't matter now. I wonder if it will all fall apart when the "new" wears off this reconciliation (remember, I've seen it before). he will get frustrated with her not trusting him, he will get upset, bla bla bla....

 

I used to feel just like this. But you know, when my ex-finace/xDM's ex-wife called me a couple weeks ago and I told her exactly what kind of rat she was pining after, it made no difference at all. (Long story, but it's in my last thread). Yeah she was pissed for about a day, but she's already back to begging him to come back to her. Rest assured that even if your MM's W knows, it probably won't matter. (You may have noticed, but BS's almost NEVER leave their cheating H's.) Nevertheless, if those two want to doom themselves to misery with each other, that's not your problem, and rest assured there will be a price to pay for him for all he's done.

 

I'm concerned about what happened with your H. Cheating or no, he had no right to do that and your poor kids are traumatized. I don't care what he read on your computer, there is no justification for what happened. I hope you are able to heal and move on from both of these men soon.

[I Miss the Kiss]

Wow you do realize that what you did to your husband is what the mm did to you? You had your husband believe your affair was over and you were working on your marriage when it was all a lie just like the mm had you believe his marriage was over and was working on your future? I guess you know the cruelty you treated your husband with.

 

I should have put in my original post that I don't really blame my H for getting as angry as he did. No, he should not have taken it to a physical level, but I do understand. And NO, I have no intention of trying to save the marriage. We are not good for each other for many reasons, a lot of them very evident long before the A started. We are both in IC now and are girls are set to start very soon, as there was a long wait for them to all get into the counselor we want them to see...

 

I would not do that to my H. I admit that I got scared on Saturday when I was dumped, basically, by the xMM. I did have those fleeting thoughts in my head of "Oh no, what have I done?", but I reminded myself how cruel it would be to lead my H back down that road again. I am still very much a mess and in no way need to be making it worse for him. He is working on himself now, too, and I don't want to hinder that for him because of selfish reasons.

 

As of this moment, I am still crushed and I am aching all over from the loss of this xMM, the man I love with all my heart and soul. But I must move on. I have to. I have to remind myself every SECOND that he had the ability to do this to me, and I can't let him do it again...

 

I seriously doubt he will ever contact me anyway... He's made his choice, and it wasn't me. Even though he said he was "sorting himself out" in Florida right now (which who knows it that's true), I don't want to be a part of something that is so hard to figure out. He led me so close to the edge of this cliff it isn't even funny, yet he let go of my hand and let me fall all by myself.

 

I am worried for anyone he needs to rescue from a fire.... they may not make it out alive, because if he can do this two two people he "loves" (Me and his W), then I pity the stranger who needs his help... Maybe that's an over-the-top statement, but its how I feel at this moment. Maybe later that will change...

 

Thanks to all who have responded constructively. Any help or insight is appreciated. I am falling deeper into this spiral of depression today...

[greengoddess]

I'm glad you are considering your husbands feelings. Please do not excuse your husband for his abuse or let your daughters think what you did makes it ok. You have their future to think about.

 

Hate the mm for the pain he caused you. Take him off that pedestal. You ca't love someone you don't respect and you can't respect a liar.

[I Miss the Kiss]

Trust me, I am having a hard time with the merry-go-round of emotion surrounding the physical part of what my H did to me. I am carrying SO much guilt for what I've put him through that I find myself excusing him. I mean, the fact is that he would never have done that to me if I had never done what i did to him... Yet all professionals and law enforcement and others have told me is that it STILL doesn't excuse what he did. And the worst part of it all? To this DAY he still says he was justified in doing that because of what I did to him...

 

It does worry me for my daughters, but I frequently discuss this with them and remind them that physical attacks are never OK. I do this while walking a thin line of still trying to preserve their relationship with their dad. The day of the incident, the police officer actually went inside and had a talk with my girls, explaining that daddy had no right to cross that line and that its NEVER okay for someone to hurt another person like that...

 

I don't know, it just sucks all around. I know I started the whole mess...

[lkjh]

lkjh......Obviously the OP is feeling bad enough. She obviously doesn't need anyone else to kick her around. Shame on you!

 

You got to be kidding, she absolutely destroys her H's life and paints herself out as a victim and you call that kicking her around? Now she wants to hate and demonize the OM for doing the exact same thing she did to her H. This victim mentality we allow women to have after they do the nastiest thing possible is shameful, not calling them out on it. On top of that she was writing a love letter to the OM in the house her H pays for while his children were home.

 

I am not a fan of hitting women but what she did is 1000X worst and disgusting. The funny part is the OM was her H's revenge, I seriously doubt the shoving her H did will burn her the way the OM did. Now she has lost her family and dignity for a man that only wanted some action on the side. So continue with Dr. Phil advice on how she is a victim because her life from here on out is directly due to her actions

[lkjh]

Trust me, I am having a hard time with the merry-go-round of emotion surrounding the physical part of what my H did to me. I am carrying SO much guilt for what I've put him through that I find myself excusing him. I mean, the fact is that he would never have done that to me if I had never done what i did to him... Yet all professionals and law enforcement and others have told me is that it STILL doesn't excuse what he did. And the worst part of it all? To this DAY he still says he was justified in doing that because of what I did to him...

 

It does worry me for my daughters, but I frequently discuss this with them and remind them that physical attacks are never OK. I do this while walking a thin line of still trying to preserve their relationship with their dad. The day of the incident, the police officer actually went inside and had a talk with my girls, explaining that daddy had no right to cross that line and that its NEVER okay for someone to hurt another person like that...

 

I don't know, it just sucks all around. I know I started the whole mess...

 

have you talked with your daughters and told them what their mommy did was no way to treat another person or are you just blaming this on daddy?

[Brokenlady]

To this DAY he still says he was justified in doing that because of what I did to him...

 

That is SCARY. Stay away from this man. If you slept with 100 OM, still not ok. There were other options - he could have left, he could have kicked you out, he could have done many many other things. That he is still trying to make this ok in his head is scary. Especially that the presence of his kids gave him no pause. Your risk of this happening again is huge. And whats to stop a stray fist or object from accidentally hitting the kids? No no no. This is not ok.

Edited January 5, 2010 by Brokenlady

[stuckinoz]

I am not a fan of hitting women but what she did is 1000X worst and disgusting.

 

So hitting someone is WAY worse than someone having an extra-marital affair? Hmmmmm???

 

Not sure what broom you flew in on - but physical violence as WAY WAY worse than any affair. 1000x worse!!!

 

Original Poster: I am SO sorry for your pain. ( I totally know how you feel - sort of been there myself on a much smaller level ) I also understand the fear you feel. I hope that you either get professional help - or can work this out (I'm personally not a fan of therapy) {{Hug}}

[I Miss the Kiss]

So hitting someone is WAY worse than someone having an extra-marital affair? Hmmmmm???

 

Not sure what broom you flew in on - but physical violence as WAY WAY worse than any affair. 1000x worse!!!

 

Original Poster: I am SO sorry for your pain. ( I totally know how you feel - sort of been there myself on a much smaller level ) I also understand the fear you feel. I hope that you either get professional help - or can work this out (I'm personally not a fan of therapy) {{Hug}}

 

Stuck in Oz,

Thank you! I realize I am no angel, but I am human and have been through a traumatic experience, right or wrong, justified or not. I need to heal so I can be a good mom and a better person. I need to stop basing my value on this OM. He obviously doesn't value me at all...

 

*praying he never tries to contact me ever again*

[NoIDidn't]

I think you are making the right decision regarding your own divorce. It doesn't sound like your H is in a reasonable place yet. I totally get how hurt and angry he was over the way he found out about the affair, but it sounds like he felt he had purchased you, like he's very possessive if he thinks that what he did was in any way justifiable. And for the kids to run and hide in the yard, gives me the impression that he's blown his top before, even if not physically. I can't imagine how scared you were in that moment. I don't care what lkjh says about having a "victim mentality", at that moment you WERE the victim and had you not called 911, there is no telling what would have happened.

 

I know we all say to be careful when getting involved in affairs, because you never know how the betrayed may respond. But, we are talking about adults most of the time. And adults are not supposed to bite like two-year-olds.

 

IMTK - I'm hoping he doesn't contact you again too. But I think his W will. I really think he was busted and doesn't have the ability to make a solid decision. There are some that just never decide and in the end have the decisions made for them where they lose everything, both women, and everyone else they hurt while holding on to that fence for dear life.

 

Move forward into your new life without your H. Maybe in a few years of that, you will find yourself so much better off without either of them.

[lkjh]

I wasn't defending her actions........I was calling you out for being so harsh. Obviously you've got your own feelings about something that happened to you in your response. End of story!

 

Actually nothing has happen to me, I have never been cheated on or cheated. It doesn't take a tragic story to understand that you don't treat people this way

 

Stuckinoz,

What she did is a lot worst. He didn't punch her, slap her, or kick her but she has completely destroyed his life and turned his children against him. She is responsible for all of the negative things that have happened because she lied cheated and used him, but because she is a woman she gets a pass.

 

If a man did this and his wife actually punched, scratched, and bit him everyone here would still consider him at fault. But, since its a woman she is automatically a victim and thats a double standard.

[lkjh]

OP,

have you explained to your children that their father was hurt very badly and that he was angry or have you put the blame 100% on him. Unless you told them that both if you are at fault you are blaming him 100%

[NoIDidn't]

Actually nothing has happen to me, I have never been cheated on or cheated. It doesn't take a tragic story to understand that you don't treat people this way

 

Stuckinoz,

What she did is a lot worst. He didn't punch her, slap her, or kick her but she has completely destroyed his life and turned his children against him. She is responsible for all of the negative things that have happened because she lied cheated and used him, but because she is a woman she gets a pass.

 

If a man did this and his wife actually punched, scratched, and bit him everyone here would still consider him at fault. But, since its a woman she is automatically a victim and thats a double standard.

 

Why does it feel like we are reading the same posts by the OP?

 

I read that she didn't fight back. Doesn't that make her the victim of his violence? I think I read that he was basically slamming her into a wall/desk. You think cheating is worst than wondering if you are going to die from blunt force trauma? Even the police felt it necessary to take him in after the portion that they witnessed.

 

Seriously, I think you need to move beyond the cheating angle and acknowledge that she was in REAL danger in that moment. Two wrongs have never made a right, and her STBXH was just as wrong as you keep trying to make her.

 

She also hasn't harped on this like you have. So I fail to see where she is making herself the victim of her H's temper. She posted this thread as an update but is really confused about the actions of the MM. We really need to stop thread-jacking this to discuss her H's actions. Maybe a "D-day Violence" thread is in order (in Infidelity, of course)

 

Sorry for the T/J everyone.