I have never felt so lost in all my life...

[jennie-jennie]

Your poor children must be so hurt and angry right now. To see their daddy be so violent and to know it's because their mommy broke her marriage vows and was having sex with another man. Watch your girls carefully. This could make them promiscuis. They saw it, they watched it, they may act it. Also watch when they get boyfriends. They love their daddy so may think getting abused does not make a man bad. Are the girls in IC? For their future I think they need it.

 

Promiscuis? Where did that come from? IMTK has not shown any record of being promiscuis. Having a serious extramarital relationship does not equal promiscuity.

 

IMTK, I so recognize your story about your husband's violence, and yes, also about it being in front of the kids. My prior relationship to the EMR was with an abusive man. I have three daughters by him. They are all doing very well, they all have wonderful, caring boyfriends whom they are in long term relationships with. I used to worry that they would meet an abusive man like their dad, but my worries have not proved true.

 

I must have done something right. I am so proud of my wonderful girls.

[jennie-jennie]

I don't care what he read on your computer, there is no justification for what happened.

 

I totally agree.

[NoIDidn't]

I meant to say "Why does it feel like we AREN'T reading the same posts".

 

Sorry for the typo.

[whichwayisup]

I need to stop basing my value on this OM

 

Yes, you do need to stop. Why is it that you are letting your value, self worth go down the toilet for this (ex)MM?

 

Time to build yourself back up.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I don't think you've been led to a cliff and been allowed to fall, I think you've been saved from a train wreck, and that's a collective you which includes your daughters as well. I realise that this didn't go as you planned or hoped for but even if it had you would have still been dealing with the SAME man with the SAME problems. I think you were saved from the real tragedy of having your daughters face another disappointment.

[greengoddess]

Promiscuis? Where did that come from? IMTK has not shown any record of being promiscuis. Having a serious extramarital relationship does not equal promiscuity.

 

 

I certainly hope that she has taught her daughters that sex is for people that are in love and in a very serious relationship. What does it show her daughters when she is married to one man and having sex with another? That it's ok to take sex lightly? That it's ok to take marriage lightly? Do you really think she told her daughters she had sex with another man WHILE married because she was i love? I doubt it. She showed her girls it is okay to have a sexual relationship with two men at one time. Promiscuis. The girls may take sex lightly.

[I Miss the Kiss]

I don't think you've been led to a cliff and been allowed to fall, I think you've been saved from a train wreck, and that's a collective you which includes your daughters as well. I realise that this didn't go as you planned or hoped for but even if it had you would have still been dealing with the SAME man with the SAME problems. I think you were saved from the real tragedy of having your daughters face another disappointment.

 

WOW... thank you for that! You're right... even though I love him, these problems he has are becoming evident, and who's to say it wouldn't get worse later on. I keep telling myself to be THANKFUL that I am not trapped with him. His W is, because she continues to forgive him after he does this to her over and over. I need to step back and let that take its course. I really wonder (only because I am human) what it is he is facing there with her now. Even though she seems to be VERY forgiving and on the outside appears to want her marriage at all costs (which is OK! that is her choice! I am not bashing her for that!), there still has to be some fallout. I would love to be a fly on the wall and see his balls in a vice right now....

 

So yes, I have been saved from a trainwreck. If he could do this to someone he was supposed to love (her) and the other person he claimed to love (me), then who knows what would happen down the road. He got by with it once...

 

Thank you again for your words. They hit me right between the eyes!! I've been SPARED....

[I Miss the Kiss]

I certainly hope that she has taught her daughters that sex is for people that are in love and in a very serious relationship. What does it show her daughters when she is married to one man and having sex with another? That it's ok to take sex lightly? That it's ok to take marriage lightly? Do you really think she told her daughters she had sex with another man WHILE married because she was i love? I doubt it. She showed her girls it is okay to have a sexual relationship with two men at one time. Promiscuis. The girls may take sex lightly.

 

Not sure where you got that my girls know about any sex... but your point is taken nonetheless.

[jennie-jennie]

I certainly hope that she has taught her daughters that sex is for people that are in love and in a very serious relationship. What does it show her daughters when she is married to one man and having sex with another? That it's ok to take sex lightly? That it's ok to take marriage lightly? Do you really think she told her daughters she had sex with another man WHILE married because she was i love? I doubt it. She showed her girls it is okay to have a sexual relationship with two men at one time. Promiscuis. The girls may take sex lightly.

 

She got a divorce. So no, not promiscuous. And even if she hadn't, not promiscuous.

 

Promiscuous means "casual and unrestrained in sexual behavior" according to Onelook Dictionary. I am certain that does not apply to IMTK.

[John Who]

why does it make you sick as you say for his W to think she has him back on track???????

 

You are calling him a pathological liar,but yet you still love him.

 

Your situation is poison you should gather up what strength you have for the kids sake and get over him,get him out of your life. Im sure going through all this drama is affecting your performance as a mother to your children, give them some peace and stability put them first right now.

[jwi71]

One fine mess.

 

First to lkjh. I understand your view and I even understand what you are trying to say (that emotional trauma is "worse" (the A) than physical trauma (the violent physical attack)). In the crudest of terms yes, a broken heart hurts "more" and "lasts longer" than a black eye.

 

But.

 

With this type of unwarranted violent physical attack comes EMOTIONAL trauma as well. And not only for IMTK. Yes LKJH, the attack was UNWARRANTED. Her stbxh DESERVES to be in jail. NOBODY "made" him attack her. HIS choice. His decision. HIS consequences. Look, I'm a BS. My now xWW was banging her boss. When I busted her did I want to threw all 95 pounds of her through the window? Hell yes. Did I? Hell no. And WHO decided to NOT toss her throw the window...ME. No one else. Her stbxh (all humans in fact) must OWN their choices.

 

IMTK-

 

I see you are NOT over your ex-lover. Because if you were you wouldn't give a damn if he contacted you - you'd be sure of your response. Because you are NOT sure...you hope HE acts and does not come calling because you "might get sucked back in". I know...you're not. You're "sure"...whatever. OWN IT. OWN YOUR emotional state. Understand your weaknesses and vulnerabilities to him. Now choose...continue or do not. Its that freakin' simple. And if you are available to him to "just talk" then understand its a choice to continue this soap opera. IF not, then its a choice to end the drama.

 

Your kids.

They have been SEVERELY traumatized by this. These are memories which have altered their futures. Not only the attack they witnessed but your A and its affect on THEIR lives. IC for them pronto which is good - its not too late to minimize the damage BOTH of you two have done. IT will take time for it to show progress though.

I want you to contact your stbxh and arrange a public meeting (unless you feel safe in a private setting). BOTH of you need to get on the same page as to EACH of your behaviors AS PRESENTED TO YOUR CHILDREN. Lets not further confuse them ok? Whcih means being honest and age appropriate. Which means OWNING your continued affair with a MM and your stbxh's OWNING his physical abuse. Put the kids first. Set aside the acrimony and think of their well being.

 

Lets paint for a second what they MIGHT be thinking:

 

Mommy has an A with a MM, dad beats up mommy and goes to jail and then mommy moves out to be with <her MM> and then <her MM> leaves us.

 

1) Abandonment issues anyone? Look at all the people leaving US.

2) Inetgrity?

3) Selfish?

4) Who cares about us? (where are we in your "plans")

5) Is it my fault?

6)...and on and on and on...

 

I cannot tell you how eye-opening it is to hear that from IC WITH YOUR KIDS.

IMTK...I heard many of these from my kids who are 6 and 4. You don't know until they ask you. Its a pain WORSE than the A. But YOU have to face it FOR them.

 

Remember when I said YOU have to OWN it. You do.

I can almost promise you this will come up with EACH child. They WILL ask you. Their IC WILL ask you. It WILL come out. All of it.

 

I urge you to get with your stbxh and prepare.

 

Good luck...I know you don't think it gets worse...but it does.

 

And then it gets BETTER. You're going to have to trust this worthless digital ink from some anonymous internet guy on public forum

[Hazyhead]

I certainly hope that she has taught her daughters that sex is for people that are in love and in a very serious relationship. What does it show her daughters when she is married to one man and having sex with another? That it's ok to take sex lightly? That it's ok to take marriage lightly? Do you really think she told her daughters she had sex with another man WHILE married because she was i love? I doubt it. She showed her girls it is okay to have a sexual relationship with two men at one time. Promiscuis. The girls may take sex lightly.

 

I think this is unfair I understand your point, but do you honestly think IMTK feels good about her daughters seeing that? You think she doesn't think of the repercussions that may occur? I think IC is a great idea, for all of them, but I also think heaping more guilt on to her after the fact serves no purpose whatsoever.

 

IMTK, I'm sorry for your situation; you must feel so incredibly low right now. I think that letting the MM just get on with his life whilst you try to re-build yours and your daughters' is the best thing you can do. I also think that there is quite a possibility that he may contact you in the future. But when he thinks his wife has lost a bit of suspicion and he can 'get away with it' again. He will be pulled back towards you, whether he contacts you or not.

 

For now, build your strength and repair, or dissolve, as amicably and peacefully as possible, your marriage.

 

I truly hope things improve for you.

[Snowflower]

IMTK, at first I almost couldn't read your thread...so much damage done to two families made it it difficult...but you appear to be a very intelligent, balanced person and I think you will come out of this okay and yes, be a better person for it.

 

Try not to worry about what is going on with the xMM and his wife...it honestly isn't your problem. And while his BW might be wanting to save the marriage at all costs right now, this might change in the future...especially if the MM/WS handled the situation as badly as it appears he has.

 

It often seems like the MP gets off with little or no repercussions after d-day; especially if the BS takes them back. But, I think a lot of things (bad) happen later to the fMP that are never known to anyone outside. A run of bad luck...job loss...loss of their marriage/family/friends, who knows.

 

Take care of yourself and your daughters, IMTK!

[stuckinoz]

OP,

have you explained to your children that their father was hurt very badly and that he was angry or have you put the blame 100% on him. Unless you told them that both if you are at fault you are blaming him 100%

 

The children are just that - Children -

I hope she never tells them. It's between their father & her. Not their business. I've cheated on my husband as well & my children may or may not know (they are older) but it's still not their business & we do not discuss it at family dinners

 

I am not a fan of hitting women but what she did is 1000X worst and disgusting

Sure seems like & reads like you are.

Good to hear that there are still neanderthals out there that believe in voilence as opposed to talking things thru. Would it have been ok if he's have put her in the hospital too? Should he have dragged her by her hair back into the cave????? can't really be serious - Unless you are a BS that is here to just bash people for having affairs. Which is quite possible.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

What about this? Not to give false hope or anything, but I just wonder something else.

 

IMTK, is there a possibility that your H contacted MM? Maybe threats were made? I've been there, thats the reason I ask.

[silverplanets]

"I miss the kiss" .. I loved (and can relate to) your username ... I think it's very honest and probably sums up exactly how you feel.

 

I'm not going to share my story now but trust me I've been where you are ... I moved me and my daughter to a new country with just a suitcase to start a new life with a MW who had misled me before but this time swore blind that they were being truthfull.

 

I arrived in April 2009 and it was all super until the time when they needed to actually stump the goods ... when bingo .... all goes quiet.

 

Anyway, I wanted to post for you, not me. That was in April June and I think I was in pure shock zone for a while - just like being dazed .. not really knowing what was going on and not able to process it at all.

 

In August I started just doing mechanical things because they seemed what people recommend (quick travel, join tennis club etc etc) ... whilst these got me out etc I just really zombied through them.

 

The other thing I did was write - book loads of it .. trying to work out what I was feeling etc etc

 

The busiest thing for me (and perhaps what kept me sane though) was that I decided that I wasn't going to let them hurting me affect my daughter any more ... so I threw myself into doing things with her, working on her piano, singing, spelling, rock climbing .. anything.

 

Somewhere in amongst all this I found myself a little bit more and slowly I've started to feel stronger. I found a gym that I liked and went there and eventually just before Christmas decided I wanted to look deeper into myself to discover if there was a reason why I was willing to risk everything for someone who obviously wasn't as willing to risk as much and so I booked an appointment with a therapist (the first of which is tomorrow).

 

That all sounds great and positive I know ... but here's the down side ... I still miss them like crazy ... although the pain is not quite so sharp as before and I have managed to mostly maintain no contact with them.

 

I've also done crazy things ... like flown 1,000 miles to a deserted beach, walked 5 hours just to be alone with the world and accept how much I missed them (a lot of tears on that beach !!!)

 

So ... (and the reason for taking the liberty of explaining the above) ... no matter what people say please don't be too hard on yourself and don't judge yourself right now one way or another.

 

You will already be feeling enough guilt for your H and the kids so you don't to take on board any more. Kids are suprisingly adaptable and flexible and really just want to feel secure and loved, which means you getting back to your cheerful self .... so for their sake it's important that you DO give yourself the time and attention you need.

 

Your ONLY job right now is to look after yourself and then your children and making sure they maintain a good relationship with your ex ... hard though it is to accept this other man is NOT your responsibility right now. No matter how much you miss his kiss (and I know you do, every second) he is not here, right now, helping you when you need it most.

 

In my view you are allowed to do whatever it takes to bring yourself back to life somehow.

 

My first healing began when I stopped being always angry at them (well actually I just wrote the anger down in some pretty sharp journals) and instead just accepted that I was crushingly hurt, that I did love them and that I did miss them ... but that wasn't going to stop the sun rising tomorrow nor the need for me to get up each day.

 

Right now I am at the stage where I am almost bored of myself wondering why they did what they did.

 

mmm, I feel this is too long, but I am just trying to help you as a person rather than comment on any bigger picture.

 

One thing that helped me was searching "no contact rule" and reading the sites that came up (not the ones that say use this rule to get your ex back, but the ones that say do this to save your sanity .... ) and then making a descision that I was worth doing this for.

 

I hope this helps in some small way and I for one just feel for you being where you are, love you for having the courage to try for your dream and hope that life brings something a lot better to you shortly.

 

Chris

[Always A Lesson]

Read your story and others, which helped me with my (MARRIED/SEPARATED- mentality thought he was a single guy) situation.

 

WOW, WOW, WOW,WOW, WOW.... There seems to be a common theme with these MW/MM, We love them so unconditionally and intensively in the A and after the breakup the heartache is basically unbearable to the point of physically feeling aches and pain. ( That's deep)...

 

IN REALITY (which we don't get to --because we are so strung out in love- or we think we are)..., WE don't see them as they really are......they are cheaters, and selfish beings... they are as close to slime/garbage as one can get, and yet our love is sooo intense, after the breakup, we can't eat, can;t sleep, can't focus, life has no meaning, we just want to lay in bed, there's no motivation to get up, we don;t even want to shower and brush our teeth in the beginning of NC, THIS IS SICK...in time we do come around...and slowly it does feel good, we begin to slowly re-emerge,,,slowly!

 

We are constantly wondering (torturing) ourselves , what is MM/MW doing with their spouses. It's sick!!!!

 

The Wife/husband only wants them back because someone else wants them, and the saying goes like this...

( I really Don't WANT you..... but I don't want nobody else to have you). Yea, the spouse will play like it's a new marriage for a while , but with NC, and the boredom sets in and old ways, which WILL happen...and then the spouse realizes that the OP is out of the picture the desire goes away(challenge) , that's when the MM/MW starts calling again, needing to get the fire re-lit. (it may take months)

Selfish /greedy people and yet we cry for them....it's sick. But mentally I'm slowly but surely getting freed, it's hard especially during the holidays and long cold winter, but I've had NC for 2 months, MM has proven he's a coward for not even telling me he's back with the W. I'm sitting here assuming they are together, he didn;t have the decency to even tell me anything,, all he said on a message was "I've made some mistakes" huh????Jerk, I caught you at wife's house and you promised me a future with you. JERK!!!!

Edited January 5, 2010 by Always A Lesson

[RedDevil66]

First off, I want to say I am sorry you're feeling this pain

 

1- his lightning bolt = his lawyers telling him how much he would lose. All of a sudden, staying married was appealing

 

2- He did to you what you did your husband

 

3- karma got you quick, be grateful. Had he actually left his wife, the torture would have gone on forever

 

4- you're not a victim but made others victims

 

5- I believe you are angry, but would take him back if he called (PLEASE DON'T)

 

6- get some therapy to work on your issues and forget about this scum bag and his poor wife. She wins what? A cheating loser? yay, lucky her!

 

 

Again, sorry you're feeling pain. You fell for the oldest cheating married men trick in the book!

[White Flower]

IMTK,

 

You are a victim of someone who went overboard in making you believe their intentions were real. A lot of MM actually do leave for their OW. Since we know it can happen, we believe it will happen for us. It does not matter how your R got started, you believe in someone you trusted and loved and he betrayed you.

 

You do not have to remain a victim. You have learned a lot from this experience and you can move on. You will find someone better, someone you truly deserve. Consider this jerk an exit affair. He's no good for you because he is just a pretender and you are real.

[John Who]

IMTK,

 

You are a victim of someone who went overboard in making you believe their intentions were real. A lot of MM actually do leave for their OW. Since we know it can happen, we believe it will happen for us. It does not matter how your R got started, you believe in someone you trusted and loved and he betrayed you.

 

You do not have to remain a victim. You have learned a lot from this experience and you can move on. You will find someone better, someone you truly deserve. Consider this jerk an exit affair. He's no good for you because he is just a pretender and you are real.

 

She is no victim,her kids,his wife,kids if he has any and yes even her husband they are the victims of the outcome of her affair with MM.

 

It makes me laugh everytime women/men get involved with a MP and after things go sour they wanna be called a victim.

[I Miss the Kiss]

Wow, wow, wow... everyone! I am so thankful for each and every reply, whether I wanted to hear it or not. I am humbled by the time you all have taken to try to help me.

 

I'm feeling better today, although not bery much, and I know each day for a long while will be very, very hard. As I sit here I am fighting with everything I have not to send that little email just to see what happens... but tonight I won't do it. Tomorrow is another day...

 

I have come to the conclusion that my biggest hurt is that xMM did this without having the nerve to ocall or even email to give me even one iota of an explanation as to what happened to him within mere hours to be able to do this to me. I suspect he had been getting scared for a long while ahead of that time, but no matter how much i pressed him on that, he absolutely denied it and said he was looking FORWARD to getting out of there. Even though now this was obvious not the case, I still wonder how he could say that to me. Why not just avoid the question all together...

 

I'm guessing its all wine and roses at his house about now. This makes about the 4th D-day they would have had, and each time his W is happy and ready to move forward. I am just hoping that the next time he does this to her, it isn't because of me. And YES I did say I'm "hoping." Of course I don't plan for it to be me, and I am going to do everything in my power to make it that way, but tonight it is still too fresh, too much hurt. I can't promise anyone ANYTHING right now. So for his sake, my sake, his W's sake... let's hope he just stays away this time.

 

That being said.... tomorrow will be better, I will be stronger, and hopefully very soon I will be able to say with absolute certainty that it will never again be me

 

I honestly think that they will be fine for the time being, but knowing him as I do, his will to be the perfect husband will weaken sooner or later. He cannot STAND being questioned, and I would imagine that is something he will be dealing with for a very long while...

 

But as for me, I took my girls out tonight for Chinese and we had a good time. It took EVERY ounce of energy I had to even shower to go out, but I did it for them. When I got home I was drained beyond belief. I feel like I am in a fog. Nothing matters much. My little apartment that I have been so proud of and have kept spotless is becoming cluttered. I need to work on that :/ xMM was supposed to come see me here this week for the first time since September (last time we met). So its even hard to live here now, as we had talked about hanging out here, on the floor by the fire, etc. etc. etc.... you know the rest. Everywhere I turn in my own home I am haunted, even though he has never set foot in here...

 

I'm exhausted. Thank you again to all of you... Each of you are my rock right now....

 

I'll go to sleep tonight wondering if he's thinking of me... That's sad, but its the only truth I know right now

 

Good night everyone...

[White Flower]

Wow, wow, wow... everyone! I am so thankful for each and every reply, whether I wanted to hear it or not. I am humbled by the time you all have taken to try to help me.

 

I'm feeling better today, although not bery much, and I know each day for a long while will be very, very hard. As I sit here I am fighting with everything I have not to send that little email just to see what happens... but tonight I won't do it. Tomorrow is another day...

 

I have come to the conclusion that my biggest hurt is that xMM did this without having the nerve to ocall or even email to give me even one iota of an explanation as to what happened to him within mere hours to be able to do this to me. I suspect he had been getting scared for a long while ahead of that time, but no matter how much i pressed him on that, he absolutely denied it and said he was looking FORWARD to getting out of there. Even though now this was obvious not the case, I still wonder how he could say that to me. Why not just avoid the question all together...

 

I'm guessing its all wine and roses at his house about now. This makes about the 4th D-day they would have had, and each time his W is happy and ready to move forward. I am just hoping that the next time he does this to her, it isn't because of me. And YES I did say I'm "hoping." Of course I don't plan for it to be me, and I am going to do everything in my power to make it that way, but tonight it is still too fresh, too much hurt. I can't promise anyone ANYTHING right now. So for his sake, my sake, his W's sake... let's hope he just stays away this time.

 

That being said.... tomorrow will be better, I will be stronger, and hopefully very soon I will be able to say with absolute certainty that it will never again be me

 

I honestly think that they will be fine for the time being, but knowing him as I do, his will to be the perfect husband will weaken sooner or later. He cannot STAND being questioned, and I would imagine that is something he will be dealing with for a very long while...

 

But as for me, I took my girls out tonight for Chinese and we had a good time. It took EVERY ounce of energy I had to even shower to go out, but I did it for them. When I got home I was drained beyond belief. I feel like I am in a fog. Nothing matters much. My little apartment that I have been so proud of and have kept spotless is becoming cluttered. I need to work on that :/ xMM was supposed to come see me here this week for the first time since September (last time we met). So its even hard to live here now, as we had talked about hanging out here, on the floor by the fire, etc. etc. etc.... you know the rest. Everywhere I turn in my own home I am haunted, even though he has never set foot in here...

 

I'm exhausted. Thank you again to all of you... Each of you are my rock right now....

 

I'll go to sleep tonight wondering if he's thinking of me... That's sad, but its the only truth I know right now

 

Good night everyone...

He is thinking of you but sweetie, he is thinking of himself even more. I'm sorry you went through all this effort for him only to find yourself alone. Your children will bring you through this.

 

He is a selfish, selfish, selfish fiend who only thinks of himself. His W deserves more than he is giving her right now, a temporary fix. In a month's time, he'll be on to another if it isn't back to you. I'm sorry.

 

(((IMTK)))

[pureinheart]

I am so sorry for what this individual did to you, here we have yet another game player....something tells me this guy got off on having his cake....it is so pathetic and I believe he knew he would go back to his W....I think he just wanted to play so to speak.

 

My comment is to not imply or say anything bad about you or your intelligence....these players are so good, they are masters at deception.

 

This type of hurt and stress is so taxing, not just on our emotions , but on our physical health...as if life isn't stressful enough ....you know! I feel like someone has hit me with a mac truck, and for me am realizing that I will be the big 5....0....well this crap to stop....life is too short to be wasted on a freak of nature....

[pureinheart]

I'm guessing its all wine and roses at his house about now. This makes about the 4th D-day they would have had, and each time his W is happy and ready to move forward. I am just hoping that the next time he does this to her, it isn't because of me. And YES I did say I'm "hoping." Of course I don't plan for it to be me, and I am going to do everything in my power to make it that way, but tonight it is still too fresh, too much hurt. I can't promise anyone ANYTHING right now. So for his sake, my sake, his W's sake... let's hope he just stays away this time.

 

 

OMG....this sounds like the sick "dance" exMM and his W played for almost 30yrs....my God how sick!!!!!!!!!!!! IMTK....this truely is a sick game between the two of them.....

[Hazyhead]

He sounds like a master manipulator. Well done on going out for the meal with your daughters. I know exactly what you mean when you say how hard it was to just get ready and go, but you did well. Keep on focusing on them and enjoying their company. Time will your friend and every day that slightly better feeling will grow a tiny bit more.

 

(((hugs)))