I have never felt so lost in all my life...

[greengoddess]

Not sure where you got that my girls know about any sex... but your point is taken nonetheless.

 

Your girls don't know the truth as to why their daddy reacted that way?

 

Be careful with that. If they hear the truth and ask you don't lie to them. They are at very impressionable ages. They need honesty from their parents. I'm surprised your husband hasn't stooped to telling them.

[greengoddess]

She got a divorce. So no, not promiscuous. And even if she hadn't, not promiscuous.

 

Promiscuous means "casual and unrestrained in sexual behavior" according to Onelook Dictionary. I am certain that does not apply to IMTK.

 

She was married living as a family with her husband having an affair. You don't consider that casual or unrestrained about sex? Do you not think having two sexual relationships at the same time is not unrestrained?

[greengoddess]

Good gosh.......get off your high horse and stop being so preachy and calling someone promiscuous, (which by the way you can't even spell). She made mistakes.....big ones no doubt, but I don't think you or anyone else has a right to question her parenting skills, much less call someone promiscuous. By the way do you know the definition of that word? Perhaps you should look it up.

 

When we read posts here, you are only getting a small slice of their life, not the whole picture and people are here for understanding and support, not to be beat over the head about their mistakes.

 

What is worng with telling someone to watch their daughters? Her kids will seem fine but this is a huge trauma for them. They are younf girls about to hit the age where sex can be common place for some. Knowing their mom had an affair may affect their opinions on casual sex.

 

I have seen more teens go down a totally different path after the breakup of their families. Her girls are at an age where this can be prevented. Why not give a wake up call to look for it. Same as with the husbands abuse. She has to watch her daughters don't fall into that with boyfriends because dad did it and dad's a great guy.

 

Who is on the high horse with your petty little spelling corrections?

[greengoddess]

I am just hoping that the next time he does this to her, it isn't because of me. And YES I did say I'm "hoping." Of course I don't plan for it to be me, and I am going to do everything in my power to make it that way, but tonight it is still too fresh, too much hurt. I can't promise anyone ANYTHING right now. So for his sake, my sake, his W's sake... let's hope he just stays away this time.

 

 

 

The next time you think about him get angry. Think how you would feel if someone treated your girls this way. Would you want them to be with a married man? Why would you accept something less for you than you would your daughters? Get angry. Find hatred for this man. Kill the fantasy mindset. He wasn't a fantasy man. He was a nightmare. For your daughters sake do not see him again. What if your stbx told your girls you were still seeing the man who helped tear their family apart? Rise above this.

[jennie-jennie]

She was married living as a family with her husband having an affair. You don't consider that casual or unrestrained about sex? Do you not think having two sexual relationships at the same time is not unrestrained?

 

No, I don't. BTDT myself - my now ex SO of 25 years and my MM of by now 4 years.

 

So I KNOW that it is possible to have two lovers and it not being casual and unrestrained.

[OWoman]

I certainly hope that she has taught her daughters that sex is for people that are in love and in a very serious relationship. What does it show her daughters when she is married to one man and having sex with another? That it's ok to take sex lightly? That it's ok to take marriage lightly? Do you really think she told her daughters she had sex with another man WHILE married because she was i love? I doubt it. She showed her girls it is okay to have a sexual relationship with two men at one time. Promiscuis. The girls may take sex lightly.

 

Gosh!

 

I've had sexual Rs with more than two men simultaneously, so I can only imagine what you must think of me!

 

M means different things to different people. I think it's perfectly OK for kids to be brought up to realise that. My kids grew up surrounded by every possible permutation of family life - same-sex parent couples, mixed race couples, bi-nuclear families, blended families, single parent families and poly families. As a result, they've learned that love and respect matter far much more than silly social expectations, and they've developed healthy R habits of their own, and a good circle of friends beyond that.

 

Not that I think there's anything wrong with taking sex lightly - so long as one is careful. Not everything in life has to be bogged down in terminal heaviness and intensity - fun and laughter are good, too. I've seen far too many sexually frustrated, horribly hung-up withered old bags who were waiting for Mr Perfect to being along his Love Divine so that they could consider dropping their (flannel, sensible) knickers - and deep into middle age, they finally realised that they'd missed their chance, and vent their bitterness wherever the opportunity arises. It's pretty sad. OTOH, those of us who've had sex only with people we wanted to, when we wanted to and where we wanted to, without feeling the need to have it shrouded in Lurve or blessed with pious marital sanction, have laugh-lines rather than frown-wrinkles, and our hearts soar up above the trees rather than dragging us down in the mud when we walk. We see the rainbows in the rain, rather than grumbling about the mess the rain will make of the windows. I'd rather enjoy life than agonise over it. If IMTK can teach her daughters the value of joy, she'd have done really well by them IMO.

[blinded]

 

no matter what people say please don't be too hard on yourself and don't judge yourself right now one way or another.

 

You will already be feeling enough guilt for your H and the kids so you don't to take on board any more. Kids are suprisingly adaptable and flexible and really just want to feel secure and loved, which means you getting back to your cheerful self .... so for their sake it's important that you DO give yourself the time and attention you need.

 

Your ONLY job right now is to look after yourself and then your children and making sure they maintain a good relationship with your ex ... hard though it is to accept this other man is NOT your responsibility right now. No matter how much you miss his kiss (and I know you do, every second) he is not here, right now, helping you when you need it most.

 

In my view you are allowed to do whatever it takes to bring yourself back to life somehow.

 

One thing that helped me was searching "no contact rule" and reading the sites that came up (not the ones that say use this rule to get your ex back, but the ones that say do this to save your sanity .... ) and then making a descision that I was worth doing this for.

 

 

like others have said, focus on yourself and you kids (yes even xH). This includes counseling for all involved. Your ship is sinking and you need to focus on saving them.

 

Forget the loser. He isn't the man you thought he was. Don't even worry about him contacting you. Take back some control of your life and delete all ways for him to contact you. You've allowed him to do enough damage to you and your family. Don't give him a chance to make things worse.

 

I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. (hugs)

[greengoddess]

No, I don't. BTDT myself - my now ex SO of 25 years and my MM of by now 4 years.

 

So I KNOW that it is possible to have two lovers and it not being casual and unrestrained.

 

 

lol sorry. I consider having more than one sexual partner at a time promiscuous and I would not want my daughters to think it was okay to be having sex with multiple partners.

 

So why is he your ex? Did he not approve of you having another sexual partner or was that relationship over and you just continued having sex with him while moving on to another? Casual...

[OWoman]

So I KNOW that it is possible to have two lovers and it not being casual and unrestrained.

 

I've had MANY simultaneous lovers, and can attest that "casual" sex is the holy grail! Dream on... You might want it casual, but most people have far too much baggage for that to be realistic!

 

And as for "unrestrained" - so what's wrong with a little role-play or light bondage between consenting adults, now and then? or does an angel die in heaven every time someone reaches for a blindfold or a riding crop?

[jennie-jennie]

lol sorry. I consider having more than one sexual partner at a time promiscuous and I would not want my daughters to think it was okay to be having sex with multiple partners.

 

So why is he your ex? Did he not approve of you having another sexual partner or was that relationship over and you just continued having sex with him while moving on to another? Casual...

 

My exSO did not want our relationship to end. He was very upset when I ended it although he knew about MM from the start. Nothing was kept secret to him. To this day he wants us to get together again.

 

Had my MM not been married, I would have ended my relationship with my ex much sooner, and not kept two lovers simultaneously. But since he was, I saw no reason to end my relationship with my SO, until my emotions had completely transferred from him to MM.

[greengoddess]

My exSO did not want our relationship to end. He was very upset when I ended it although he knew about MM from the start. Nothing was kept secret to him. To this day he wants us to get together again.

 

Had my MM not been married, I would have ended my relationship with my ex much sooner, and not kept two lovers simultaneously. But since he was, I saw no reason to end my relationship with my SO, until my emotions had completely transferred from him to MM.

 

So you had an open relationship? So you do believe in being promiscuous?

[jennie-jennie]

So you had an open relationship? So you do believe in being promiscuous?

 

No, we did not have an open relationship. I had not been with another man prior to MM for more than 20 years. But I told my SO exactly what was going on when MM came back into my life, and he agreed to continue our relationship parallel to my relationship with MM.

[greengoddess]

No, we did not have an open relationship. I had not been with another man prior to MM for more than 20 years. But I told my SO exactly what was going on when MM came back into my life, and he agreed to continue our relationship parallel to my relationship with MM.

 

Curious. Since you decided to handle this situation with your SO with respect and honesty do you believe your mm should show his wife that same respect? Do you believe you owe his wife the respect to tell her?

[jennie-jennie]

Curious. Since you decided to handle this situation with your SO with respect and honesty do you believe your mm should show his wife that same respect? Do you believe you owe his wife the respect to tell her?

 

I think he should, yes. But I don't think it is my place to tell her. As late as last night, I was encouraging him to tell her. Even though I know it might mean the end of our relationship.

[greengoddess]

I think he should, yes. But I don't think it is my place to tell her. As late as last night, I was encouraging him to tell her. Even though I know it might mean the end of our relationship.

 

sigh it's all so sad. I'm surprised your SO didn't tell her when you dumped him.

[jennie-jennie]

sigh it's all so sad. I'm surprised your SO didn't tell her when you dumped him.

 

That would have been an interesting turn of events.

[White Flower]

Methinks promiscuity is a dying word in our society except in churches.

[silverplanets]

But as for me, I took my girls out tonight for Chinese and we had a good time. It took EVERY ounce of energy I had to even shower to go out, but I did it for them. When I got home I was drained beyond belief. I feel like I am in a fog. Nothing matters much.

 

Well done - that is BRILLIANT! The harder it was for you then the more courage it took ... and the more proud you should be of yourself. It's a small step but is a step .. and it's YOUR step (not his) .. I am so proud of you :-)

 

My little apartment that I have been so proud of and have kept spotless is becoming cluttered. I need to work on that :/ xMM was supposed to come see me here this week for the first time since September (last time we met). So its even hard to live here now, as we had talked about hanging out here, on the floor by the fire, etc. etc. etc.... you know the rest. Everywhere I turn in my own home I am haunted, even though he has never set foot in here...

 

Yes - this part just sucks no two ways about it. Don't berate yourself over the cleaning etc ... it really is not as important right now as maintaining your sanity and taking little steps forward.

 

One thing that can help on the house is go and buy something for the house (just something small) that you like ... it will have no memories of him attached to it and every time you look at it you will be reminded that you can do something just for you.

 

As you get stronger maybe sit with your eyes closed and see if you can feel which aspects of the house in particular that are the strongest in terms of dragging you down with memories and then pick one of them and make a change to it ... you'll be staggered by how empowering that is. (Right now this is probably too much, as if you close your eyes you'll just feel total pain, but gradually that will dim enough so you can pinpoint specific sources of reminder)

 

I'm exhausted. Thank you again to all of you... Each of you are my rock right now....

You are exhausted because you've dug deep for courage ... at a time when you've been emotionally flattened .. (and if you ever feel like forgiving him it's worth remembering that he's NOT going through this pain ... he's left you to go through it on your own whilst he keeps his support system around him)

 

I'll go to sleep tonight wondering if he's thinking of me... That's sad, but its the only truth I know right now

How can you do anything else but. You are not a machine and you allowed this person deep into your heart and your future ... you can't just switch them off like that ...

 

Spare one smile for yourself as you sleep though - the courage you showed in taking your daughters out .... your inner strength IS still there ..

[I Miss the Kiss]

Silver, Whiteflower, EVERYONE who has responded... you are all amazing friends and I just wish you were all here right now so I could give you a big hug There's a song by Seether that I stumbled upon, and I am going to CRANK IT UP and sing it proudly tonight! The title? RISE ABOVE THIS

 

I highly recommend it to anyone who needs to feel strong...

[silverplanets]

Good for you ... I know the song and put it on my iPOD at a similar sort of time to yours and ran 60 mins per day EVERY day with it and four other songs on loop ... the release of anger in the pain of running to that beat and words is probably what kept me sane.

 

Three Days Grace - "It's all over", "let it die", are also wonderful .... pounding the streets singing lyrics like "I just don't care about you any more" is THE business !!!

 

I've kept up the running and now also attend a gym but I don't need my anger any more to do it ... in the last month or so i';ve changed and am doing it because I want to be healthy and maximise my lifespan for me and my daughter.

 

It's taken a long time to change my motives for running etc and someday soon I am going to put a new gym loop on of songs which arent associated to this period - and this is another sign for me that I don't need the pain of that period any more ... I am moving to more internal motivators.

 

In the meantime though ... crank up that volume baby !!! and if you can get out running/jogging at the same time you'll start to feel invincible !!!

[WhereToGoFromHere]

I use Hoobastank - Say The Same. Put it on repeat and run like hell. Its not angry, but just says good bye and I'm moving on.

[silverplanets]

I use Hoobastank - Say The Same. Put it on repeat and run like hell. Its not angry, but just says good bye and I'm moving on.

 

Just loaded it up ... love it :-)

[White Flower]

"What goes Around, comes around".... Its Karma baby!! She deserves it.. I'm not talking about what the husband did to her....but she deserves what the MARRIED MAN.

Well if we're going to talk Karma we can go around in circles forever and decide what we want it to be then.

 

How about her H got his Karma for being so violent in the M that he got cheated on? Your reasoning, not mine.

 

We only know this very moment of her life. We cannot decide if this is the end of her story or whether she has experienced Karma if any at all. People who enjoy these types of outcomes love to jump on the Karma train.

[pureinheart]

She was married living as a family with her husband having an affair. You don't consider that casual or unrestrained about sex? Do you not think having two sexual relationships at the same time is not unrestrained?

 

GG...be careful, one time I "called it as it was" and ended up having to learn compassion the hard way as God allowed me to go through AGAIN the situation in which I was judgemental.

 

It is so easy to judge someone else....there's that forest again ....

[pureinheart]

"What goes Around, comes around".... Its Karma baby!! She deserves it.. I'm not talking about what the husband did to her....but she deserves what the MARRIED MAN.

 

And for all you have done, you will receive a 100 fold....your cruelty shall see it's day with you shortly....get ready...