I blew it

[Heather1]

I posted something wondering if OW get gifts, because for 2 years I haven't gotten any and I had a Christmas present for him. I was told not to give it to him, but of course I did because I knew he'd use it on Friday.

I honestly thought I was just being paranoid about the whole thing, or making too big of a deal out of it, so I asked him. AHHHHHHHH!!! NOT what I wanted to hear!! He doesn't give me gifts on purpose, love & gifts are a line he said he won't cross because gifts mean something. AHHHHHHHH!! I felt like crap & I didn't know what to say. We hung up, and I said thanks for telling me I don't mean anything. His response was he's done & nothing else, and cancelled Friday. AHHHHHHH!! I don't really even know how that got so out of control?

 

I'm really crushed. I didn't expect him to leave his W at all. I wanted a PA & we had so much fun together. I asked him about the gifts he gave me before the PA & he trivialized them saying "I only gave you ....." I cherished them, I thought they meant something.

 

I'm crushed & God do I feel stupid. I say one thing & he blows up? I mean, I know it's an A, but I didn't think one question would just end it. I went from being a little hurt, on what I thought was based on paranoia, to having every fear confirmed & then practically a f-you email.

[2sunny]

ya, that would finalize things for most.

 

he was being perfectly clear and purposefully mean - that it as it is and move forward. he's a jerk, but we already knew that - he just happened to confirm what we knew.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, jerk behaviour and said in a way to wake you up. Sorry you're hurting but now you know.

 

His reaction shows, he isn't inlove with you, he likes you, enjoys your company but it isn't romantic, it isn't love, it isn't long lasting..it's an affair, nothing more than that. Your reality is different than his and now you have NO choice but to accept it as things are.

[Heather1]

No, that's true, now I know & I really didn't before. He was that cold about a year ago, and he kept calling back & was fine by the end of the day. Weird thing is, I was OK w/ just an A & knew it wasn't going to last. I don't really want to be treated like dirt though, ya know? The phone call was cold from the gate, I almost didn't recognize his voice. It was like I was talking to a totally different person. He called 2 days ago & said "good night sweetie." I mean, that's how we talk all the time, really like lovers. This was COLD & really mean. I barely said 2 words.

[whichwayisup]

Don't call him and dont answer his calls if he calls you. Close the door. Forever.

 

Focus on fixing your marriage, reconnecting with your H. NO more affairs, k! Ignore ALL MM, since it seems they're only after one thing, action on the side.

[Heather1]

That was just really unexpected. I'm shocked & really hurt. I honestly didn't know it was on purpose, until today. It took me 2 years to ask about it. Pathetic.

[D-Lish]

Heather, you didn't blow anything- you dodged a bullet!

Stay strong girl,

[jwi71]

His reaction shows, he isn't inlove with you, he likes you, enjoys your company but it isn't romantic, it isn't love, it isn't long lasting..it's an affair, nothing more than that. Your reality is different than his and now you have NO choice but to accept it as things are.

 

No...I don't think he even LIKES her. My God..to actually SAY that is mind boggling to me.

 

Hun...he has laid it out clearly for all. You are PA. NOTHING more. HE can't even bother to show you common courtesy. What a d!ck.

 

Delete him from your life and move on. NOTHING good comes of this...you go back and I bet he ups the abuse to see "what he can get away with and still screw you".

 

What a piece of worm *****...and I just offended all the worm ***** out there.

[atlnay]

I don't really even know how that got so out of control?

 

I'm really crushed. I didn't expect him to leave his W at all. I wanted a PA & we had so much fun together.

 

If you enjoyed the PA and want it to continue, leave your emotions for him out of the picture. Once you started getting "hurt" by what need he wasn't filling, you started "acting" on it and things spun out of control. Men really don't want to deal with that and he is married, which means he HAS to deal with it from his wife. THAT is why he shut down and got cold so quickly.

 

You want just a light & fun PA with him? Control your emotions.

 

You want gifts and have emotional needs? Find an available guy.

[NoIDidn't]

First you said:

 

He doesn't give me gifts on purpose, love & gifts are a line he said he won't cross because gifts mean something.

 

Then you said:

 

I asked him about the gifts he gave me before the PA & he trivialized them saying "I only gave you ....." I cherished them, I thought they meant something.

 

I hate to sound mean, but I think he was right. Gifts DO mean something, and that's why he stopped giving them. He only wanted PA and once he got it the gifts stopped coming.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. It sounds like you guys agreed at one time that this was strictly extra sex, not extra love. He didn't have to be so mean about it, but now you certainly know that any love you felt was not reciprocated.

 

I don't know why you feel like you blew it though. It doesn't sound like he isn't going to call you again, or you, him.

[White Flower]

I posted something wondering if OW get gifts, because for 2 years I haven't gotten any and I had a Christmas present for him. I was told not to give it to him, but of course I did because I knew he'd use it on Friday.

I honestly thought I was just being paranoid about the whole thing, or making too big of a deal out of it, so I asked him. AHHHHHHHH!!! NOT what I wanted to hear!! He doesn't give me gifts on purpose, love & gifts are a line he said he won't cross because gifts mean something. AHHHHHHHH!! I felt like crap & I didn't know what to say. We hung up, and I said thanks for telling me I don't mean anything. His response was he's done & nothing else, and cancelled Friday. AHHHHHHH!! I don't really even know how that got so out of control?

 

I'm really crushed. I didn't expect him to leave his W at all. I wanted a PA & we had so much fun together. I asked him about the gifts he gave me before the PA & he trivialized them saying "I only gave you ....." I cherished them, I thought they meant something.

 

I'm crushed & God do I feel stupid. I say one thing & he blows up? I mean, I know it's an A, but I didn't think one question would just end it. I went from being a little hurt, on what I thought was based on paranoia, to having every fear confirmed & then practically a f-you email.

This man is a real idiot! Lose the sucker! You're WAY too good for him!!!

 

He gets the best of what you've got and gives nothing in return????????

[sugarmomma]

Weird thing is, I was OK w/ just an A time,

 

 

Why settle for so much less than you deserve? Do you not feel worthy of a man that will be with you and only you?

 

I can't believe you are actually blaming yourself!! he really has you all screwed up. Please change your numbers and forget about this azz and work on loving yourself enough to stop the pain and drama.

Edited January 6, 2010 by sugarmomma

[blinded]

(hugs)

 

I know how you're feeling. This man sounds just as bad as my xMM.

 

You know what? You didn't blow it. He has given you the best gift ever. He has showed you his true colors and set you free. You may not see it that way now and it hurts like a knife. Deep down you probably knew the answer about gifts but wanted to take a chance and see his reaction. His reaction is textbook. But take this opportunity and run for the hills. Don't look back. Don't be tempted if he tries to contact you. If you answer, you will hurt more and lose you self respect. Trust me, I know.

Edited January 6, 2010 by blinded
.

[jennie-jennie]

(((((((Heather)))))))

[Hazyhead]

Im sorry Heather. He's a sh*t. You are in a way lucky that he's shown you what he really is because now you can run away and eventually look back and think 'Thank God that ended!' Think about the fantastic things you were planning for yourself last week. The walk on the beach - remember? He is not that man and now you are completely free to go and find your Mr Right.

[whichwayisup]

I don't understand why some people are telling heather to go find Mr Right. She's been married for 18 years! If MM were posting this, talking about his MW dumping him, would you be telling him to go find another woman? OR go fix the marriage, or divorce.

 

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh here, but she now needs not only to grieve and let go she has to decide if she wants to reconnect with her H or divorce him.

[Angel1111]

This is why we told you not to send him the gift. You could've just asked him why he doesn't give you gifts without sending yours. You would've gotten your answer without having given him anything. He was being cold because he knows what he did was crappy. He will call back at some point and I hope you will listen to us this time and not answer the phone. And, btw, stop kidding yourself that you're ok with just an affair - you're not. Realize that you have higher expectations. If your marriage isn't fixable, then concentrate on getting out of it. If it is fixable, then work on fixing it. The status quo isn't working for you and it never will.

[OWoman]

Heather, I'm sorry you are hurting. But I have to agree with NID:

 

I hate to sound mean, but I think he was right. Gifts DO mean something, and that's why he stopped giving them. He only wanted PA and once he got it the gifts stopped coming.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. It sounds like you guys agreed at one time that this was strictly extra sex, not extra love. He didn't have to be so mean about it, but now you certainly know that any love you felt was not reciprocated.

 

His behaviour sounds exactly like mine toward MMs of my past. I didn't want then to feel more than the agreement, and if they did, I'd have pulled the plug. He was simply drawing you back to the terms of your agreement. You're both M. This was supposed to be light and meaningless, on the side. He's just reminded you of that.

[Hazyhead]

I don't understand why some people are telling heather to go find Mr Right. She's been married for 18 years! If MM were posting this, talking about his MW dumping him, would you be telling him to go find another woman? OR go fix the marriage, or divorce.

 

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh here, but she now needs not only to grieve and let go she has to decide if she wants to reconnect with her H or divorce him.

 

She decided in her last thread that she wanted to divorce her husband. Just because she's been married for 18 years does not mean there is no-one else for her. Somebody who she wouldn't feel the need to have an affair away from. I agree that she needs to sort out her marriage first, for the sake of her and her husband, but I also think that a future with someone right for her isn't out of the question. That's what she wants - all those things she listed in her last thread, and what do we have if we don't have hope?

[Brokenlady]

That was just really unexpected. I'm shocked & really hurt. I honestly didn't know it was on purpose, until today. It took me 2 years to ask about it. Pathetic.

 

NO, not at all. Sometimes we don't ask questions because we already know the answer is painful.

[Brokenlady]

My gut here says that he will call you again at some point. This isn't over. You made him feel bad by pointing out what a selfish prick he's been and rather than take some responsibility, he throws it back on you - that you dared to expect too much. Gosh I know the feeling well. I sincerely hope you will ignore him when he does contact you.

[2sunny]

She decided in her last thread that she wanted to divorce her husband. Just because she's been married for 18 years does not mean there is no-one else for her. Somebody who she wouldn't feel the need to have an affair away from. I agree that she needs to sort out her marriage first, for the sake of her and her husband, but I also think that a future with someone right for her isn't out of the question. That's what she wants - all those things she listed in her last thread, and what do we have if we don't have hope?

 

hope is reasonable if it gives us the chance to be happy. what her MM was showing her and presenting doesn't look like her brand of happy from what she describes.

 

i agree, he was putting her back in her proper place (for him). he doesn't want her to be expecting anything (not even a token gift).

 

if she intends to leave the M she should - if that makes her happy. this MM obviously was telling her that he's unwilling to play the role as her MM the way she expects him to.

 

if she doesn't like it - she should leave.

 

ideally, she should leave the M and her MM. find out what hope and happiness looks like for her, then consider having a man in her life. to expect something from him that he's unwilling to provide just sets her up for disappointment at every turn. that comes with the territory for most relationships with a MM though.

[Hazyhead]

hope is reasonable if it gives us the chance to be happy. what her MM was showing her and presenting doesn't look like her brand of happy from what she describes.

 

i agree, he was putting her back in her proper place (for him). he doesn't want her to be expecting anything (not even a token gift).

 

if she intends to leave the M she should - if that makes her happy. this MM obviously was telling her that he's unwilling to play the role as her MM the way she expects him to.

 

if she doesn't like it - she should leave.

 

ideally, she should leave the M and her MM. find out what hope and happiness looks like for her, then consider having a man in her life. to expect something from him that he's unwilling to provide just sets her up for disappointment at every turn. that comes with the territory for most relationships with a MM though.

 

That's what I meant - not hope from the MM. That one's beyond all hope, and rightly so. I agree with you. Sometimes we hang to things not right for us because the unknown is so scary.

[Heather1]

Thank you for all the really helpful responses!! I took a tylenol PM, so I could sleep & not think about this. I held onto the gift, after reading those posts, and said we wouldn't do gifts. He then said he loves it when I give him things, so I did.

 

I was happy with everything on the side & my emotions where pretty much in check about everything. I'm just not THAT cold, ya know? I didn't know it gets to a point where you can't have any feelings at all, even as a friend. If he wanted no gifts, he should have told me that was a line, and he didn't.

 

As for working on my M & all that, I need to just get over this for now. He did me a favor, but it still really hurts.

[ladydesigner]

Heather1 just think his wife gets to deal with his jacka** behavior. I bet you he is just as mean to her as he was to you. A tiger does not change it's stripes so to speak. If a human being can be that cold and rude to one person then they are that way to others. Like many have said here, you dodged a bullet here and be thankful you are not his wife. Imagine the moods she has to put up from him.

 

You at least have a chance to work on your marriage (hopefully your husband isn't a jerk) and move forward from here.

 

My XOM was a huge a**hole when he ended things with me. I initially had no emotions towards him in the beginning as he pursued me. He moved things along quickly, he even said "I love you" first. When he ended things with me he proceeded to tell me that things just moved too fast and too quick for him...uh hello??? I look back now and thank god I did not end up with such a person that could just turn on a dime, no warning, no nothing. These kind of people are the biggest a**holes in the world and they have theirs coming. My XOM has been unemployed for over a year now so I guess payback is a b*tch.

 

(((Heather1)))