I blew it

[willowfields]

Not to thread hijack, saying something deragatory about one on unemployment is wrong. Even the meanest person I don't speak badly of them on unemployment. It is a tough place to be in.

[Heather1]

LD, thank you for that reminder! I thought about that last year when this happened. I was at home in bed for a week, and I'm never like that. When I finally pulled myself back together I remembered he said his wife suffers from depression. I felt bad for him when he said that, until I was down for the count. So 2 women down, and he's kind of the common denominator. I promised myself, when I got back into it, that I wouldn't let him take me down again. I'm trying really hard to get out & do stuff. I swear, Sunday he was great, we talked for an hour. I sucked it up through all his family holiday trips, he was back, it was fine. I don't know if the A situation is a built in manic situation, or if he's actually manic? He asked me one time if I was?? For a woman, my emotions are usually very even & steady. Yeah, when someone dies (which has happened a lot lately) I get taken out for a bit. For the most part, I'm very even keeled. Maybe that's what attracted him in the first place? He thought I wouldn't have ups & downs?

[ladydesigner]

Not to thread hijack, saying something deragatory about one on unemployment is wrong. Even the meanest person I don't speak badly of them on unemployment. It is a tough place to be in.

 

Willowfields I understand unemployment have been there myself, but my XOM is so lazy he hasn't really even tried looking for a job. He is and was a jerk I am not going back on my statement as mean as it was. It was not directed towards anyone here it was directed towards him and if there is a thing such as karma he is definitely living it.

 

Sorry if my statement was offensive.

[ladydesigner]

I don't know if the A situation is a built in manic situation, or if he's actually manic? He asked me one time if I was?? For a woman, my emotions are usually very even & steady.

 

Heather1 I think most men tend to project in general. It definitely sounds to me like he is the manic one.

[Heather1]

He's all over the map...I'm the one who's never really changed my mind, until now. I mean, if there's rules shouldn't I have known instead of blindly breaking them? I had to ask you all! Well, he's initiated NC, and I'm kind of relieved. Neither one of us had been in an A, so we kind of blundered our way through, telling no one (as far as I know, I haven't told anyone). Neither one of us are cut out for this, but that really can't be such a bad thing?? I'm kinda glad I'm not cut out for this.

 

Now I know to end something before I begin something else. I swear, OM came out of nowhere & I wasn't even looking. Then, after quite a few deaths, I opened up. I know how it all started, and I doubt I'll be in that situation again. My thoughts at the time where "life is short." That, and I'd never really been in trouble before so I felt pretty safe.

 

Besides the sex being mind blowing (for me anyway), I can't go with the no feelings & no respect part. That doesn't mean I wanted to marry him!! I get it was just an A. Do guys not understand what makes a woman put out in the first place? It was the sweet things he did for me before the PA that landed me. No one had ever just "taken care of things" for me. That all stopped w/ the sex.

 

Ok, done ranting. I still don't know how to do the quotes, but everything you've all said has been really valuable to me. It's helping me stay calm & focused.

 

I'm glad I said something to him though, even if it means the end.

[Angel1111]

He shouldn't have gotten mad at you for asking - that's a big part of the problem. His anger tells me that he had guilt about not buying gifts for you. Otherwise, he would've had a more aloof answer like, "Now, babe, you know that gifts are just going to say something else and we're trying to keep this light." Something along those lines. But he didn't say that. His immediate reaction was to get angry.

 

Aside from the obvious aspects of affairs that make them bad news, there are just so many mixed messages, so much guesswork. It's nuts. I know what you mean about how a man takes control and takes care of everything. My xMM was like that - but that never changed. I loved it. I really loved his personality and the way he took control of things and didn't expect me to baby him. I had never been with a man who acted like that. It was a refreshing change. I think most people who get into affairs are in somewhat the same situation you describe - coming out of some catastrophe or heartache in their lives and then thinking that 'life is short', 'where has being good gotten me', etc. You did what you did based on what you were thinking and feeling at the time. It's just sad that so many times these relationships end in heartbreak.

[fooled once]

My take?

 

Heather, i think you invested way too much time AND emotion into this A. I think your marriage sucks so bad that you were looking for and wanted someone (even this LOSER) to love you. I don't mean that to sound like you are unloveable, that is not what I meant. I think YOU were feeling way more than you want to admit to yourself and us ((hug)) and you were looking for validation in him. And part of you trying to get that was giving him gifts, by lowering yourself to a PA when in reality, that isn't what you really wanted. You wanted to feel loved and needed and wanted.

 

I worry that you are still wanting him, still wanting that validation from him and are willing to lower yourself to get that.

 

Do what is best for YOU - get the divorce from your H. Spend sometime reminding yourself that you are WORTH much more than a PA, you don't need to buy some guy a gifts to get him to appreciate you. YOU have so much to offer and I hope you can realize that and demand more than what he was giving you (or NOT giving you).

 

Good luck!

[2sure]

If he wants an affair that involves no risk , no emotional cost to him....duh, he is supposed to be you a car or other major purchases.

He sees himself as a player ...lol...he is a punk. WTF?

[Heather1]

Fooled Once, I did really like him & his attention....totally flattered. Where I messed up is not seeing this the first holiday. I keep re-reading these emails, and I swear I don't know how it escaladed from me being hurt to him being angry. The thing that sucks the most was that HE KNEW!! It's like I can't say anything or have a feeling, ya know. He said something in an email before about being a jerk to me, how I didn't deserve that & it's his way of not getting too close. For some reason I thought that meant he was done being a jerk, but maybe it meant he's going to be a bigger jerk??? So watch out??? It doesn't matter, he told me he wasn't going to talk to me.

 

2sure, I don't really know what that post meant?

 

That talk w/ my Mom turned out to be a nightmare! I didn't tell her what was going on w/ me and this A. I just told her I was having problems w/ my H. Luckily, I didn't say much, because she emailed my MIL! My MIL called my H and said my Mom told her we were having problems!! I'm so pissed that my Mom said that, because now I have no one to talk to about anything!! I come from two mentally ill parentss (and i'm not kidding!) If an A is going to be the worst of my fallout from that, I just don't care. I'm not on drugs, married 6 times, or anything that goes out of the "norm".....besides me going sideways into this affair. Where it's all about him & I can't say voice a feeling without getting slammed. Even to my Mom!!!

 

On a good note, I had a great day. I've been staying really busy, going to the gym & had a great day today. The thing that scares me most about being single, is that maybe that's all I can attract for myself? Narcissists? My Mom is one, and my Dad is over the top NPD. It's amazing I function at all!

[White Flower]

 

on a good note, i had a great day. I've been staying really busy, going to the gym & had a great day today. The thing that scares me most about being single, is that maybe that's all i can attract for myself? Narcissists? My mom is one, and my dad is over the top npd. It's amazing i function at allabout anything!! I come from two mentally ill parentss (and i'm not kidding!) if an a is going to be the worst of my fallout from that, i just don't care. I'm not on drugs, married 6 times, or anything that goes out of !

((((( (((h1))) )))))

[Heather1]

Having a hard time sleeping without crying & feeling so stupid! I think the 2Bsure comment was if he was smart, he would have pacified me to keep things quiet. But he's a moron. The more I think about it, the colder it seems. He's always apologized, etc.. I feel really set up by this because he always says he loves it when I get him things, and he knew all along.

 

I feel really used & sad. I guess the good news is that I won't EVER let him touch me again!!!! I'm so hurt, but I just can't let him know I am at all. I don't want him to ever know I have one feeling for him, anger, love, hate, nothing. I was really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow (before this).

 

I'm just so used to people treating me like dirt, I thought he treated me well??? What does that say about me???

[White Flower]

Having a hard time sleeping without crying & feeling so stupid! I think the 2Bsure comment was if he was smart, he would have pacified me to keep things quiet. But he's a moron. The more I think about it, the colder it seems. He's always apologized, etc.. I feel really set up by this because he always says he loves it when I get him things, and he knew all along.

 

I feel really used & sad. I guess the good news is that I won't EVER let him touch me again!!!! I'm so hurt, but I just can't let him know I am at all. I don't want him to ever know I have one feeling for him, anger, love, hate, nothing. I was really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow (before this).

 

I'm just so used to people treating me like dirt, I thought he treated me well??? What does that say about me???

Heather, you saw him the way you wanted to see him and that is all. Now you see the real him without rose colored glasses on. Treat yourself well, and you will attract those who will treat you well.

 

Hugs.

[Heather1]

I know I did. He made sure I only saw the best, and I was a HUGE ego booster for him.

 

His email to me the other day said he needed a few weeks break, and then we could be friends. Today was the day we'd planned, and he was (of course) a no show. Luckily, I stayed busy today anyway. I'd told him to take all the time he needed & left it on a good note. Today though, I just was so mad at myself for not getting angry myself. He left the door open, in a few weeks, for me to get over it? For us to be friends? So I sent him a note today saying I get it, he meant to hurt me, & to leave me alone.

 

At least eliminating one will help me decide on my M. And, there was no Dday, so I'm the only one hurt in this.....oh well. I mean really, things could get A LOT worse! I wasn't thrown under the bus & no one knows. I'm trying to make lemonade here I guess.

 

And I have to say, I was really pulling back during the winter break. He'd said some things that kind of scared me sexually. I love sex, especially now that I'm older, but porn & cold sex is a total turn off to me. It seems like he was breaking me down to really have what he wanted? When I told him no more sex after the new year (because he gets so guilty) he asked if we could do it one more time. I said no.....probably because I knew huh? I should just be glad this all happened.

 

What surprises me most about all this is how hard it is to get out of!!! I went golfing yesterday w/ these 3 friends of mine, one incredibly good looking, and I was trying to pinpoint when the line was crossed with OM. Certainly, I haven't crossed any lines w/ this guy! I think it was just a mix of flirting, really spending time & enjoying each other's company, being wildly attracted to him....and then wallop, an unexpected death. Our first kiss was the day before the funeral, and he knew it.

 

I'm just rambling, I keep re-reading all your posts and it's really giving me strength. I don't know how I'd handle this totally alone, I thank you all!!

[ladydesigner]

At least eliminating one will help me decide on my M. And, there was no Dday, so I'm the only one hurt in this.....oh well. I mean really, things could get A LOT worse! I wasn't thrown under the bus & no one knows. I'm trying to make lemonade here I guess.

 

Wow I totally identify with this because with my xOM there was no D-Day either he ended things with me stating that he is not a liar and that it turned out his feelings for his SO (Girlfriend of 5 years so they may as well have been married) turned out to be stronger than he had thought. That was a huge crush to my self-esteem HUGE. I almost wish I was thrown under the bus or there was a D-Day at least I would have known it ended for that reason than him just not liking me anymore...god it is so humiliating.

 

Hang in there Heather1 we are all in this together you are soooo not alone.

Edited January 9, 2010 by ladydesigner

[Heather1]

That's how I feel too, he got to know me & didn't like me. He put his best foot forward for over a year. Some of the stuff I just blew off because I figured it was the guilt of an A, and I gave that to him.

 

The last few days w/ my H has been awful. I don't know if I can last until my son graduates in June. I'm the bad guy here. From all appearances, my H is the best, so I'm going to look like the B. My kids see it, and they know. 2 of us cry every night.

[White Flower]

That's how I feel too, he got to know me & didn't like me. He put his best foot forward for over a year. Some of the stuff I just blew off because I figured it was the guilt of an A, and I gave that to him.

 

The last few days w/ my H has been awful. I don't know if I can last until my son graduates in June. I'm the bad guy here. From all appearances, my H is the best, so I'm going to look like the B. My kids see it, and they know. 2 of us cry every night.

What do you mean, '2 of us'?

 

What do you want for YOU? Are you going to D your H or try to work on the M? It is really time for you to decide what YOU want for you. You are right, now that one of them is out of the way you can focus on less giving to him and more giving to you. Focus only on you for now. If you want to save your M, at least you've done work on yourself in order to give your best to someone else. If H is out of the picture, you'll be ready to give your best to someone else when the time comes.

 

Hugs.

[Heather1]

It's so funny you say that, I seem to focus on making others happy, and kind of who cares about me?? This is kind of a make or break it time for my H and I, we've been through a lot the past few years with his family & his illness/injuries.....then I go and escape. We needed something to happen, I wish it wasn't this. But now that it is, and in my mind the A is over, I can at least make a clearer decision on what I want the rest of my life to be like.

 

I disconnect a lot from people. A lot of this is me, and how screwed up I am. I had no problem compartmentalizing. If OM would have just done a few considerate things, I wouldn't think of leaving.

[torranceshipman]

Heather, sounds like you had some negative people in your life, not least from your own parents. This is the start of a new year, and why not really make a change? Resolve to reclaim your life and happiness and start putting yourself first: this means cutting off anyone negative in your life (they're an emotional drain on you) and taking real care of yourself. Clearly you've got a great and potentially strong and positive personality to have grown up with those parents and got through it fine - exercize some of those great personality resources that you have to start moving forward and changing your life in some really great ways. Just because youve attracted negative people in the past doesnt mean you cant change that now - life is great, we only have one - so maximize your resources, clear out the junk and start demanding good treatment wherever you go.

[Heather1]

I really appreciate that! My Dad is finally not homeless & in a state hospital, but I can't see him because somehow his buddies are still bringing him alcohol & the state wants me to sign a guardian waiver.....so I have to pay!! Long story. My Mom doesn't have empathy. So yeah, I'm a miracle.

 

Have any of you seen that movie "The Secretary?" I think OM saw the scars on my legs (kidding), or saw something. Not to take responsibility off of me by any means....but our first kiss was my 4th funeral of friends my age in a short period of time. This particular friend who died someone sent a group email from his account to say goodbye, the email the next morning said he'd died. At least I got to say goodbye. I was so shocked, and OM emailed me that day I found out & I was so upset. I stopped by his work the day before the funeral, and that was our first kiss.

 

I'm doing OK. Haven't heard from him & I don't think I will any time soon. My Mom's not doing very well, so I'll be flying back & forth to help her. That'll get me away from him & keep me busy.

[GreenEyedLady]

That's how I feel too, he got to know me & didn't like me.

 

This has NOTHING to do with how he's treating you.

 

He's married to someone else and doesn't want to get involved with someone who obviously has deeper feelings for him than he has for her and he doesn't know if you'll turn out to be a bunny boiler or not.

 

FORGET HIM.

 

FOCUS ON YOU and getting out of your hellish M. Make your plan and stick to your own time table. You don't have to be with anyone to be happy. In fact, you probably need to spend a little time alone and dealing with the fallout of all this in your life.

 

YOU ARE WORTH IT! YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS! YOU DESERVE SOMEONE TO PUT YOU FIRST!

 

Seize the day and make it worth it!

 

GEL

[Heather1]

He knows I'm not a bunny boiler. The only time we talk is when he calls me & the only time we saw each other was when he wanted to. I've never gone out of my way to see him, EVER!! I don't have one email either, deleted everything. He couldn't have had a safer AP, I haven't told anyone. And no....I never totally fell in love, because I'm not devastated right now. I'm just not available to him for?? Well, a totally cold booty call. That's not what I like or want. I want him to treat me well, because he appreciates all I might be going through- like I do with him. That's really all I wanted from him. I do care about him a lot. I wouldn't really call this love.

[atlnay]

He knows I'm not a bunny boiler ... I wouldn't really call this love.

 

Based on how you've expressed yourself in this thread, you want a relationship. Based on how you've described his actions, him not so much.

 

You posted:

 

NOT what I wanted to hear!! He doesn't give me gifts on purpose, love & gifts are a line he said he won't cross because gifts mean something.

You want something. He is not going to give it. You are miserable. He is STILL not going to give it. You have 2 choices, keep wanting it and being miserable or LET IT GO!

 

If you are unable or unwilling to give up the A for whatever reason, then YOU have to manage your disappointment that your R with him is not going to be typical and he pretty much told you that upfront. As painful as it sounds, please hear him loud & clear, "gifts are a line he said he won't cross because gifts mean something".

 

That coldness you heard in his tone, that unrecognizable voice. that's him TOO! That's just not the fun & sexual him, that's him backed into a corner. A's are "supposed" to be light & about nothing deep, your desire for gifts (which is really a desire for a visible sign of appreciation) are taking things to a level he may not want to deal with.

 

I am sooo very sorry you are hurting from this and hope you can heal soon!

[Heather1]

The A is over. Of course I thought of it as a relationship, he's been in my every day life for over 2 years! I've been really generous to him, and to his friends.

 

The part that makes me upset is he didn't tell me! He accepted my gifts, and didn't tell me one thing until last week about his rules. He waits until I've crossed his line, and THEN tells me!! Then gets mad??? Yeah, that really sucks.

 

Ya know, I'm just not cold like that....and I don't think that's a bad thing. I didn't have expectations beyond the A, but I'm not going to say I didn't have any feelings at all. How is that possible? But yeah, I'm done. That was a TOTAL turn off. If anyone crossed a line, it would be him.

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't really call this love

 

Are you sure about that? Because the way you've worded things, in this post and others, seems that it IS just that..Or it's just a huge ego feed and you miss that attention, all that he gave you. All I'm saying is, if you don't and didn't love him, then why continue to want/miss him? Worry about stuff like how much you meant to him.

 

It wasn't a 'relationship' in the sense of two single people meeting and hooking up..It was an AFFAIR, and both of you are married. Big difference.

 

He is playing a game, just like you are in a sense with him. Each of you had ego feeds and strokes out of this. Anyway, it's over and I really hope you can let go, focus on ending your marriage and being alone, grow from this experience.

[Heather1]

He doesn't want to call it love.

 

I'm going to need more than a week to forget about this. I just post here because no one knows, and that did really hurt the way it all went down.