Should I Tell the Wife?

[dmchatster]

I'm new to this site, so forgive me for not knowing all the abbreviations.

 

Here's my situation: after years of being in a loveless marriage - where we stayed together for the kids - in October I found out that my wife was having an affair with a married neighbor down the street. I confronted her about it and she denied it, but the result has been that we're now planning on moving forward with a divorce.

 

So my question is whether I should tell the BF's wife. They have no kids, and the affair is still ongoing (even in the BF's house when the wife is out of town on business), so I can't shake the feeling that I should tell her. I don't have plans to tell her, but I have to confess that it's very hard not to - since I know that if the roles were reversed my STBX would probably be telling everyone.

 

The couple of people I've asked have been emphatic that I shouldn't tell the wife, and I suspect that'll be the general consensus here - but I am interested in hearing the range of opinions.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

The OM is cheating on his wife.

She has the right to know that he is being unfaithful.

 

He is putting his wife at risk for STD's.

 

I am not saying that your wife has and STD, but HE doesn't know that.

Furthermore, he may be or have been involved with other woman.

This is often the case with cheaters.

[dmchatster]

You know, I haven't given much thought to STD's, but that's a good point. I mean, it's telling that my STBX recently got a new prescription for birth control - since I would interpret that to mean that maybe they're not using condoms.

 

Thanks for the new perspective which I haven't heard from anyone else I've discussed this with.

[doushenka]

Oh, gawd, tell her, especially if it's still going on. That's hideous.

[hopesndreams]

Tell her. I often wonder who knew of my H's A and how they thought so little of me by not letting me know.

[american-woman]

If you dont want to tell in in person. You can always send a letter. She has a right to know for many reasons

[freestyle]

I personally would deeply resent being denied the option of making an informed decision about the most important part of my life.

 

Being the last to know would heap insult upon injury.It's humiliating.

 

If I was in that woman's shoes, I'd be grateful to whoever tipped me off.

[jennie-jennie]

Being the last to know would heap insult upon injury.It's humiliating.

 

I have lived this, and it is humiliating. I am now the other woman in an extramarital relationship, but I have been the betrayed spouse, and my advice is to tell. It really hurt to find out not only that my SO was having an affair, but that others knew and had not told me.

[dmchatster]

I appreciate the responses. And I have to confess I'm surprised that it's currently unanimous to tell the BF's wife. I do want to share a couple of other pieces of info, and see if that changes anything out there.

 

Probably the key reason I haven't told the wife is that I'm trying to keep things peaceful between my STBX and me as we start the divorce process. In the past, she's threatened to really fight me for custody - but currently she seems amenable to joint, 50/50 custody (though admittedly it could be an act.) My concern is that if I tell the wife, once my STBX finds out, she'll dig in her heels and look to turn things nasty - which unfortunately would really be in character for her. I suspect things would likely end up at 50/50 custody anyway, even if she did turn nasty - but I also imagine we'd be tacking on several thousands of dollars on to our legal bills for the custody fight. Which leaves me thinking is telling the wife worth the chance of that happening.

 

The second thing I was going to mention is that I don't really know the wife. We're not friends, and not even acquaintances. So it would really be like her hearing this from a stranger.

 

Theoretically I could send an anonymous letter (as suggested), but I feel pretty confident that my STBX would naturally assume I sent it, and wouldn't believe otherwise.

 

I'd like to be able to tell the wife and have her claim she discovered it on her own - to reduce the likelihood of my STBX turning our divorce nasty - but there's absolutely no incentive for the wife to do that, so that's a pipe dream.

[BUENG1]

I appreciate the responses. And I have to confess I'm surprised that it's currently unanimous to tell the BF's wife. I do want to share a couple of other pieces of info, and see if that changes anything out there.

 

Probably the key reason I haven't told the wife is that I'm trying to keep things peaceful between my STBX and me as we start the divorce process. In the past, she's threatened to really fight me for custody - but currently she seems amenable to joint, 50/50 custody (though admittedly it could be an act.) My concern is that if I tell the wife, once my STBX finds out, she'll dig in her heels and look to turn things nasty - which unfortunately would really be in character for her. I suspect things would likely end up at 50/50 custody anyway, even if she did turn nasty - but I also imagine we'd be tacking on several thousands of dollars on to our legal bills for the custody fight. Which leaves me thinking is telling the wife worth the chance of that happening.

 

The second thing I was going to mention is that I don't really know the wife. We're not friends, and not even acquaintances. So it would really be like her hearing this from a stranger.

 

Theoretically I could send an anonymous letter (as suggested), but I feel pretty confident that my STBX would naturally assume I sent it, and wouldn't believe otherwise.

 

I'd like to be able to tell the wife and have her claim she discovered it on her own - to reduce the likelihood of my STBX turning our divorce nasty - but there's absolutely no incentive for the wife to do that, so that's a pipe dream.

 

Tell her after the divorce.

[imagine]

If you live in an area where adultery in her case can be to your advantage, check it out. They usually use these threats against you in order to get their way.

 

It's called wayward entitlement. Stay strong and tell OMW. She will become your asset in the divorce.

[mark982]

this is one of those cases, that you just have to say damn the costs. your wife and her bf need exposed. your wifes running on the idea, that i'll just threatin to be the azzhole that i can be,that will keep him inline.burst her bubble.

[road]

Tell the OMW.

[reboot]

Tell her now.

[confusedinkansas]

I wouldn't tell her .........

Ask yourself these questions

1) What do you gain by telling her? Is it out of revenge or spite!

 

2) You're divorcing your wife anyway - what difference will it make in the whole scheme of life?

 

3) By telling this other woman - You are opening up a whole can of worms for the entire community to be "In Your Business"....Are you prepared for that?

 

4) Are you without any indescretions yourself? Make sure of that first - Cuz I'd hate for your wife to get ugly IF you do this & start tossing dirty laundry on you around town.

 

Why is it that people think that just because there is an infidelity that the other persons spouse NEEDS to know MUST know. How do you know she'd want to know? I just don't get butting into others marriages where you were not asked to go.

My husband would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS have gone to my XAP's wife & my affair ended badly & my husband knew that. It's not our business to be in their marriage. What they do behind closed doors is just that - Their closed doors. Also, how do you know that his wife doesn't already know & is turning her head to it? THAT HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN MOST OF US THINK.

[RedDevil66]

Tell her. All is fair in love and war!

[reservoirdog1]

I have lived this, and it is humiliating. I am now the other woman in an extramarital relationship, but I have been the betrayed spouse, and my advice is to tell. It really hurt to find out not only that my SO was having an affair, but that others knew and had not told me.

I find this post odd.

 

1. You've experienced the humiliation and embarassment of being the "last to know" when you were betrayed, and you mentioned how much it hurt you.

 

2. Now you're participating in dishing out the very same impending hurt and humiliation you experienced yourself, by being an "unrepentant" OW (as per your sig line).

 

How do you reconcile those two facts?

 

And still retain credibility while giving advice to somebody dealing with the pain of an unfaithful partner?

[Lizzie60]

Nope... I would not tell her.. what would that solve?

Move on with YOUR life.... never mind hers

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I would've told her yesterday. I agree with a PP. The knowledge of it all hurts but to find out others knew and didn't say anything..HUMILIATING~!

[DrIndigo]

Tell her.

 

No, I've never been a BS and am in fact an OW, but I do know what it's like to be misled by your romantic partner while making decisions about your life based on a lie.

 

She may already know/suspect, and she may have decided she doesn't want to know. But in case she's really in the dark, you should tell her. Do it for the right reason (not revenge) - everyone has the right to make decisions about his/her life based on the truth. If the A is going strong and her husband doesn't seem inclined to come clean, she has the right to know. And who knows? She might be willing to keep the source of her new information a secret or she might "shoot the messenger." Either way, the standup thing to do is to let the poor woman in on the secret.

[PhoenixRise]

Do you have any proof? Emails? Texts?

 

I think you should tell her either way but I think it will be better if you have proof to combat any spin.

 

If it works better for you...tell her after your own divorce and custody arrangements are settled.

 

OR maybe you could arrange for the information to come from another source.

[dmchatster]

I hadn't mentioned this, but I do have proof. When I first suspected something was up, I installed a keylogger on our home computer to get access to her email. Maybe not the nicest thing to do, but I wanted to confirm my suspicions.

 

So, yes, I have many emails that are inadmissable in court, but could convince the OMW. However, I don't want to even bring them up because I learned later that my use of the keylogger was illegal. I also have videotape footage from a PI of my STBX and the BF. That I could explain away without ever needing to mention the emails.

 

I do tend to think it's probably wisest to tell the OMW after my custody arrangements are settled. I have to admit that originally I wanted to tell the OMW out of spite or revenge (because my STBX has systematically tried to undermine my relationship with my kids for years), but my feelings on this issue have evolved. Now - especially after reading some opinions on this thread - I'm more inclined to tell the OMW (if I tell her at all) because I kind of feel sorry for her, and the fact that she doesn't know what her husband's doing to her.

 

I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with what to do, but it's good hearing different people's opinions.

[Lizzie60]

Why hurt her?

How would you feel.. let's say, you tell her.. she 'flips' and kills herself.. how would you feel???

[hopesndreams]

She doesn't need your pity...she needs the truth.

 

I doubt you'll tell her.

 

(if I tell her at all)

[GorillaTheater]

As far as I'm concerned, telling her would be a humanitarian act. But yeah, I can see the self-interest in not wanting to throw a monkey wrench in the custody issue. One thing to consider though is the possibility that your stbxw would actually welcome the nuking of her bf's marriage.

 

How long before the D is final?