How do I get my power back?

[bananaboat11]

Right now I am just really angry!!! I want to see my ex and his skanky-ass "online friend" suffer. I am not a violent person but I think they should get what they deserve!!! Karma is a bitch!

 

 

Hun, I know where you are right now mentally... if you need to talk it out...

 

Just remember how incredible you are. He is not worth YOUR time. He walked out.. he has the problem... not you. He can't even face it like a real man... that shows a lack of character.. and eventually, he'll realize what he left behind... but you know what, you won't be there. You'll be with someone else, happier.

[Brokenhearted_girl]

Hun, I know where you are right now mentally... if you need to talk it out...

 

Just remember how incredible you are. He is not worth YOUR time. He walked out.. he has the problem... not you. He can't even face it like a real man... that shows a lack of character.. and eventually, he'll realize what he left behind... but you know what, you won't be there. You'll be with someone else, happier.

 

You're right. He doesn't deserve any of me, even my anger. For the first time I am really believing that he's not worth it. I hope in time I can forget about him and our memories. I want to be happy again.

 

How about you? How's your heart feeling these days?

[bananaboat11]

You're right. He doesn't deserve any of me, even my anger. For the first time I am really believing that he's not worth it. I hope in time I can forget about him and our memories. I want to be happy again.

 

How about you? How's your heart feeling these days?

 

 

Ummmm... Ummmm.. I did a VERY bad thing

 

Kind of hating myself right now... (didn't break the NC though)...

 

I think I want to vomit and then vomit some more.. and i'm not even sick.

 

My good friend (who my ex was jealous of b/c this friend is really attractive.. and I'm not giving up a friend for a girlfriend.. I didn't control who she hung out with and I didn't HATE her friends, but I sure as hell didn't respect a few of them, but I was never outspoken about it. Nicole, my ex KNEW I didn't think highly of some of her friends, though... 'tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you who you are'. These were bad people... sleeping with eachother.. partying nonstop... sleeping with eachother's sig others... sleeping with people who were in relationships... and I trusted my ex with them too...

 

..my ex did say A LOT of ****ed up things to me, but never used the 'I cheated on you card' during our breakup.. so I don't know...) anyhow................

 

my friend keeps telling me even though we had a BAD breakup... (really, really, really bad).. she's going to call me. She keeps telling me this over and over and over and over.. but she isn't going to call me to want me back.. she's going to call me to **** w/ my head. So of course, this gets on my nerves and cuts my heart into 2... and I have to keep repairing it EVERY time... so... yeah... I contacted a mutual friend and we had a not so nice conversation about my ex... she defends my ex... i'm about 2 steps from blocking this mutual friend, too..

 

I just set myself back and I have lost complete respect for myself at the moment...

[HLP234]

You have to remove and not talk to any of her friends. They will always back her up because they know her side and are going with it.

 

Don't feel bad, just don't respond to her if you have been that hurt. I'm not sure you want to if you know for sure she will just screw with your head.

 

My ex has never contacted me since she left for vacation..she will be back here sometime soon and I'm not expecting any contact either. My dad also knows our situation and he advised me to tell her I don't want anything to do with her at all.

 

Basically he said if she calls and I answer to tell her to go Eff herself, but I won't do that, I will just tell her I don't want anything to do with her, because even if she calls, like you said, she won't talk about getting back with me..she has someone else now.

 

Even if she wanted to get back with me, my dad told me he doesn't want to see her at all around me, ever. As much as I want her back, and I really do, it was her choice to leave, what's done is done.

 

I'm hoping she won't say anything and neither will I. So just continue NC, and don't even respond when she calls..or if you do tell her you don't want her hurting you, you don't need her, you need to move on with yourself.

[bananaboat11]

You have to remove and not talk to any of her friends. They will always back her up because they know her side and are going with it.

 

Don't feel bad, just don't respond to her if you have been that hurt. I'm not sure you want to if you know for sure she will just screw with your head.

 

My ex has never contacted me since she left for vacation..she will be back here sometime soon and I'm not expecting any contact either. My dad also knows our situation and he advised me to tell her I don't want anything to do with her at all.

 

Basically he said if she calls and I answer to tell her to go Eff herself, but I won't do that, I will just tell her I don't want anything to do with her, because even if she calls, like you said, she won't talk about getting back with me..she has someone else now.

 

Even if she wanted to get back with me, my dad told me he doesn't want to see her at all around me, ever. As much as I want her back, and I really do, it was her choice to leave, what's done is done.

 

I'm hoping she won't say anything and neither will I. So just continue NC, and don't even respond when she calls..or if you do tell her you don't want her hurting you, you don't need her, you need to move on with yourself.

 

 

Sorry.. I know I was really stupid talking to this mutual friend.

 

My ex is blocked... her 2 phone numbers are blocked (home and cell)

 

i've now officially blocked everyone that knew my ex... that knew me that wasn't friends with me before hand...

 

I can't believe how irrational I was... wow.

[HLP234]

You tend to slip up sometimes and its ok..I think of it as part of the healing process.

 

We may think that if talking to her friend and letting them know how we feel and giving them our side of the story, that they will believe and side with us. But that will not happen..very unlikely.

 

If she did this to me, pretty much means her friends who are siding with her, might have done the same thing to others.

 

There is one saying I remember "Show me who your friends are so I can tell you who you are.."

 

I should remove my ex's best friend from facebook too, but I never had talked to her before and its not like I knew her very well. I don't expect her to ever say anything to me at all anyway.

 

Try and have no hope for you and her anymore, don't even think about what you would do if she calls. If she does, be strong and don't pick up or if they pester you all the time, tell them to leave you be.

 

Most likely if they have hurt you, they are too ashamed to even say anything..especially if now they have someone else. I may have the feeling that is the case with my ex, but I will never know so no point in worrying about it.

[Brokenhearted_girl]

Hi guys!

 

I just came from my 1st session with my therapist and I'm feeling a bit hopeful that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you guys are doing okay as well if not better.

[HLP234]

Good to hear you are doing better! I'm having my usual ups and downs again. Spending time with friends, and now that the semester started, I will try and get some activities in so I can keep my head straight.

 

Generally still feeling the same but oh well, Im being hopeful that something will happen and I will be normal again.

[Brokenhearted_girl]

Don't get me wrong. It still stings. I still have a lot of unanswered questions but after talking to my therapist she made me realize that my ex's cheating was not my fault and it's natural to have those feelings right after the breakup. I thought I was going insane.

 

Breakups really do take a lot of time to get over! I have been google through one stage of grief then bouncing back to another. This is the first time that I am handling a breakup without a rebound guy and it's tough but this is the healthiest way to recover. No bandages on the wound. Just letting time heal my broken heart.

[bananaboat11]

Don't get me wrong. It still stings. I still have a lot of unanswered questions but after talking to my therapist she made me realize that my ex's cheating was not my fault and it's natural to have those feelings right after the breakup. I thought I was going insane.

 

Breakups really do take a lot of time to get over! I have been google through one stage of grief then bouncing back to another. This is the first time that I am handling a breakup without a rebound guy and it's tough but this is the healthiest way to recover. No bandages on the wound. Just letting time heal my broken heart.

 

 

Hun - I'm glad you are seeing someone. I did...

 

Everyday I pray my heart will win... and one day, it will. Yours will too =)

 

I know it's hard to believe, but trust me... I don't care how they show / display it... they're feeling the heartache / broken too... and I'm sure every so often they think of you.

 

I met with my therapist today (started seeing her since my breakup)... and I told her my theories on dating/relationships and she told me it sounded VERY sound and logical. I was expecting her to throw me down on that. And granted... every situation is different, but there exist a typical human nature pattern in how we act/react to any given situation...

 

And in this situation, you are the better person. You're coping in a healthy way... he isn't. You're going to be happy soon.. he won't be. He's in a temporary fixture (as I've said before). He does NOT deserve you. And whenever you ask yourself if he ever cared... if he remembers all the times you had together... (we both were in poor breakups) .. I KNOW... Deep down, superficially, intrinsically, whatever other fancy word here.. Yes. We will never leave their thoughts.

 

Will we? Yes. Will it bother us the same way? No... because unlike them... we had that comfort and compassion ripped from us.. we trained out bodies and hearts to mend/heal...

 

They will FOREVER possess our heart (that little piece they stole from us) in their own... and it will haunt them until their dying day... or until they come begging for your forgiveness (true forgiveness.. which may not happen for YEARS... if it happens earlier GREAT!) and you can kiss them on the forehead.. and forgive to forget. And it is that point you are 100% healed and can care not where their life leads them as they are NOT apart of your own. You are on a NEW path.. to a better, stronger, more successful YOU.

 

You are beautiful, BHG.. and now it's time to show the world.

[Brokenhearted_girl]

Hun - I'm glad you are seeing someone. I did...

 

Everyday I pray my heart will win... and one day, it will. Yours will too =)

 

I know it's hard to believe, but trust me... I don't care how they show / display it... they're feeling the heartache / broken too... and I'm sure every so often they think of you.

 

I met with my therapist today (started seeing her since my breakup)... and I told her my theories on dating/relationships and she told me it sounded VERY sound and logical. I was expecting her to throw me down on that. And granted... every situation is different, but there exist a typical human nature pattern in how we act/react to any given situation...

 

And in this situation, you are the better person. You're coping in a healthy way... he isn't. You're going to be happy soon.. he won't be. He's in a temporary fixture (as I've said before). He does NOT deserve you. And whenever you ask yourself if he ever cared... if he remembers all the times you had together... (we both were in poor breakups) .. I KNOW... Deep down, superficially, intrinsically, whatever other fancy word here.. Yes. We will never leave their thoughts.

 

Will we? Yes. Will it bother us the same way? No... because unlike them... we had that comfort and compassion ripped from us.. we trained out bodies and hearts to mend/heal...

 

They will FOREVER possess our heart (that little piece they stole from us) in their own... and it will haunt them until their dying day... or until they come begging for your forgiveness (true forgiveness.. which may not happen for YEARS... if it happens earlier GREAT!) and you can kiss them on the forehead.. and forgive to forget. And it is that point you are 100% healed and can care not where their life leads them as they are NOT apart of your own. You are on a NEW path.. to a better, stronger, more successful YOU.

 

You are beautiful, BHG.. and now it's time to show the world.

 

Hey Rob!

 

Thank you so much!!! You write beautifully. What was your ex thinking letting you someone like you go?

 

Like you said our exes might realize someday that they made a mistake and ask for our forgiveness or even will want us back. That actually happened to me with my very first ex, the one who broke my heart the first time. He called me back after 4 months from the day he dumped me and said he was sorry and wanted me back... I told him it was too late and I wasn't fully recovered and had forgotten already how it was to be in love with him.

 

I am looking forward for that day to come with my current ex. And by saying that I don't mean that I am expecting him to beg for me to get back together with him. I just want to be free from all his details, our memories together, everything about him, I would like to forget.

 

You are right, we are dealing with our heartbreak the healthy way. This is really the perfect time to be selfish and to indulge in self-love. What betetr way to love ourselves by going to therapy, going to the gym, catching up with old friends, reading self-help books, learning to enjoy life the way we want to (without having to deal with a significant other's opinion)...

 

Our ex's, not sure how yours is dealing with her pain but I'm sure mine is with his "online friend" and possibly popping valium or xanax every now and then. I don't think he's a super human who doesn't deal with the pain of a breakup. He is feeling some pain too, only he is probably numbing it with his new girl and prescription drugs. Whatever makes him happy... I am glad I don't have to put up with his pill-popping ways anymore. And the biggest reward of this break up is that it opens the door for me to meet someone who would like to have a family, the house with a picket fence and a dog. Someday...

 

Oh BTW, have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall? I saw it in theaters but I want to see it again. That is an awesome breakup movie.

[HLP234]

That is a great movie, I could not stop laughing when I went to go see it.

 

I understand that we are dealing with it correctly, but hopefully if that day never comes where our ex's realize what they did, we will be able to move on.

 

My ex doesn't like to be alone, hence why she just went from me to this best friend of hers within not even a month, during our "break" period.

 

I've been keeping myself busy with school work and such but sometimes it gets really bad and its like all the feelings come back all at once, like a complete package of depression or something.

 

I doubt this girl will ever come back and say anything ever, which will be good for me in a way, but still going on and dealing with how she went about it will still haunt me. That is something I will always resent I think.

 

Does the therapist give any insight on how to deal with this situation? I have never seen one before but I wasn't sure some times, weather or not its too hard to deal with this grief on my own.

[thepulse27]

can somebody help me please?!

i thought i was doing so well.

after the worst month of my life i have had 4 amazing days, when i actually believed i was going to be better, that she didnt deserve me. today it came back a little, the horrible cold ache inside that doesnt go away, then this evening it fell apart. i found out something that upset me so much that i called her. it was stupid. i was stupid. its over. and i still cant accept it. i dont want to be back here, but i am. i hate it so much that she is so happy without me. i cant bear this. when am i going to be ok?

i want so much to be strong. i have so much to look forward to. so why is she all i can think of?

this is probably the lowest i've ever been.

[Brokenhearted_girl]

Hi pulse,

 

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I know how much it hurts. I am in the same boat as you. Hang in there. You're going to get through this. Remember there was a time in your life when you did fine without her. It hurts as hell to know that she is happy. I, too, have the same hurt. My ex is happy with someone else but as much as it hurts, I know that I can't do anything about it. He's gone. No matter how I much I revisit and question the past, I can never change the fact that he chose to leave. Sometimes it's best to just let them be.

 

I think you should start with NC again. The less you know or hear about them, the easier it is to forget about them. You said that you are in the lowest point of your life, that you have hit rock bottom, Hun, there's no where else you can go but up. You are going to survive this. Keep NC! Hang in there!

[thepulse27]

Thank you Brokenhearted.

I can't believe I acted that way. But at least 2 things will come of this, 1 good and 1 im not so sure. The first is that I think NC proper begins now. I'm done and I need to heal. I probably should have done this from the beginning, but I don't think I would have been able to. Not knowing certain things would have eaten away at me till I snapped. The second is that I'm pretty sure she won't be coming back (yeah I did all the things your not supposed to do, I'm sorry everyone - we fought and now when she things of me she'll think she made the right decision). Deep down I know this is a good thing, but it breaks my heart all over again realising its true.

I'm just such a mess inside right now. I loved her and I wanted to be with her, but I knew all the problems she had, and ways she didn't deserve me. And now I don't think I want her back, I just want her to want me. That's messed up isn't it?

If I'm better off without her (and somewhere in here I know I am) then why does it kill me that she has just found someone else and happily got on with it. It bothers me so much that she doesn't feel the way I do.

[Brokenhearted_girl]

Hi hlp!

 

My therapist gave me some valuable insights about my relationship that I couldnt have recognized because of current mental state. It was liberating to her from a professional that the breakup and his cheating were both not my fault, that my ex right from the beginning never wanted to be in a relationship with me, and lastly that I should hear myself more, my needs and believe that no matter what I did, no matter how mug I try to contort myself to make my ex happy, the breakup would still happen because he will never change. People don't change for other people. I highly recommend seeing a therapist. They have studied human behavior and they could explain to you a lot of things about sorting out your emotions, that not a friend or a family member can.

 

Right now I am feeling the pain but that's how life is with it's ups and downs. I had another dream about wanting to talk to him and being overwhelmed again with emotions. But I choose to think that this is a part of my book of life, a aprt of my journey to the right one. Life is too short to be with the wrong person. Always remember that.

[HLP234]

Thanks Brokenhearted!

 

If I don't really get any better I may go and see one as well. You are absolutely right about people not changing. My ex said she changed herself for her last boyfriend completely and he hurt her so she can't change again.

 

All in all, its just talk because she was expecting me to mold to her benefit..once she realized I would do anything pretty much for her to feel safe and secure again. You can't really deal with someone that has problems from the past and brings that up when you are in a relationship with them.

 

Those problems have nothing to do with you. I have known my ex for years before we dated and noticed a pattern of how she was codependent and always went to others for confinement. She chose to leave me without speaking a word, which is the most immature thing a person can do after going back and forth.

 

Pulse,

 

Do not ever break NC again. The feelings you are experiencing, we all go through. I know exactly what you mean down to the point. I will fee good for a day or two and then in an instant you feel like crawling in a hole. Don't worry, when those feelings come try as hard as you can do something active or go out, get your mind off of them.

 

I'm sure if your ex saw you with someone else, she would not like it either. The reason they are happy is because they jumped into something with someone else. They are dealing with it this way instead of realizing that time is the healthy way to deal with a break up.

 

You may or may never find out if they have doubts or realize they did something stupid..but the part about that and NC is that, that is what you hope and come to realize as time passes. If they ever come and try to talk to you, whenever that is, you will see that either they are lonely and want to have you for support or you do not care because they have hurt you and you will not give them another chance.

 

They left on their own and of course they will be upset and want to hate you if you ignore them when they come talking to you, but that's what life is about making decisions and taking risks. If it didn't work out the first time, what makes you think the second time it will be fine?

 

It may or may not be, maybe for a few months and then some other problem will come up and most likely end up in the same situation. Like it was said before, people don't change completely because no one knows what is in another person's head. Many say if it was meant to be it would have worked out..I don't really believe in this method too much but it has its validity I suppose.

[thepulse27]

thanks.

just hearing things like that make it easier. crawling into a hole is exactly how it feels, when you think you're getting better and then a setback tears you apart again. I know my life will be better without her, I just wish I could erase the thought of her from my mind, cos then i wouldnt be thinking of her and him. It bores into my head and drives me insane.

I will be NC from now on. I have heard all I need to hear. And finally the little bit of hope I have that this is going to win her back will die. And I will be free.

 

I just wish she missed me! (its pathetic I know).

 

BrokenHearted I'm really glad the therapist is helping you. My mother is a counsellor and I finally confided a lot of what I'm going through to her last night and she really helped. Have you heard anything useful that you think we all should hear?

[Brokenhearted_girl]

thanks.

just hearing things like that make it easier. crawling into a hole is exactly how it feels, when you think you're getting better and then a setback tears you apart again. I know my life will be better without her, I just wish I could erase the thought of her from my mind, cos then i wouldnt be thinking of her and him. It bores into my head and drives me insane.

I will be NC from now on. I have heard all I need to hear. And finally the little bit of hope I have that this is going to win her back will die. And I will be free.

 

I just wish she missed me! (its pathetic I know).

 

BrokenHearted I'm really glad the therapist is helping you. My mother is a counsellor and I finally confided a lot of what I'm going through to her last night and she really helped. Have you heard anything useful that you think we all should hear?

 

Hi Pulse,

 

We are experiencing the same kind of pain. My ex up and left for someone else too. I also wish that he misses me and would realize that he made a mistake. I wish I could hit delete and all the memories of him will go to my mind's recycle bin... but I can't. Imagining him with someone else is breaking my heart all over again...

 

Here are the following insights that my therapist gave me:

 

1. Even if I had become the most amazing gf, my ex would still have not been able to give me the commitment I needed, therefore we would still have that issue in our relatioship, which he would use to validate his urge to cheat.

 

2. Most people who cheat will try to put the blame on their partners, like what my ex did, he told everyone that I had a lot of insecurities and was abusive (he called me abusive because I asked him about the girl who was leaving him facebook messages) For a week I blamed myself for stirring things up and not leaving them be. .

 

3. My ex never really wanted to be in a relationship, and that people don't change for other people and what happened to my relationship was not my fault.

 

4. She gave me pointers like I need to get 8 hours sleep every single day so that I am able to hold my emotions in during work. She said I should exercise everyday to get some endorphin rush to kill my depression.

 

5. She said don't try to meet guys to date since I have a lot to work on like my trust issues with men. My ex really left me even more jaded than ever.

 

6. The most important thing she said is to believe in myself, that I will get through this.

 

I have another session next tuesday and will post whatever insights I learn from her. Right now, just take comfort that this happened for a reason. God has better plans for you.

[HLP234]

That all is very useful information. I'm glad classes started again so now I have something to do and work to keep me busy. The feelings are all there and come back now and then but I've been suppressing them by going out all the time now.

 

I never really went out much before our relationship, and she didn't like me to go out and drink when I was with her so I did not do it then either. So its kinda working for me now, but real results will come from just ignoring everything and going through it each day.

 

We all wish they would miss us, but that won't happen, we must accept that its done and I too wish I could delete every memory of her. Sometimes it hurts so much I wish I never got in a mess like this or met the girl..but I know that's not right and whatever happened, is done now.

[Brokenhearted_girl]

That all is very useful information. I'm glad classes started again so now I have something to do and work to keep me busy. The feelings are all there and come back now and then but I've been suppressing them by going out all the time now.

 

I never really went out much before our relationship, and she didn't like me to go out and drink when I was with her so I did not do it then either. So its kinda working for me now, but real results will come from just ignoring everything and going through it each day.

 

We all wish they would miss us, but that won't happen, we must accept that its done and I too wish I could delete every memory of her. Sometimes it hurts so much I wish I never got in a mess like this or met the girl..but I know that's not right and whatever happened, is done now.

 

Oh boy, what I would give to just go back in time to stop myself from falling for my ex. I would have done things differently. But you are right, what is done is done and we can't do anything about it. What we can do though is work on ourselves and to stop romanticizing the past, to constantly live in the present and to look forward to a better and brighter future. We're already hit rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up.

 

I'm glad you are keeping yourself busy and going out. I am doing the same thing but it's still hard. Even when my ex cheated on me, in my mind I know and recognize this is the best for me but my emotions are taking longer to follow. It's even more difficult when I dream about him and then wake up early in the morning and realize that he's gone. That is real torture. Do you ever have those dreams of your ex?

[HLP234]

I know the dreams you are talking about, the ones I wake up to in the morning feeling like crap. Usually if I had drank the night before, they don't usually happen as long as I fall asleep quickly.

 

I wish I could cut back going out so much, but all my friends like to go during the week nights for some reason and its really bothering my parents..they don't mind but they don't like it either that I go out 2 or 3 days in a row. That's also adding to the stress..but you can expect that from foreign/strict parents. Hell, I'm graduating, have a job already and they complain still..lol.

 

The dreams will soon go away one by one..which is why I have been going out so much trying to meet new people. I have somewhat accepted that its done and it doesn't bother me as much, but the pain is always there anyway.

 

I have also come to the point that there is no need to worry about the ex, what ever happens will happen and she may or may not come and talk to me..but when she does or if she ever does (doubt it)..I will ignore her and pretend she never existed. Gotta stand your ground even if they don't realize what they did was hurtful/bad.

[thepulse27]

Does anyone else notice how physically draining this is?

I have a very busy life anyway; I manage a bar and I work crazy hours 6 days a week usually, plus since this happened i've been getting up to go to the gym every day before work (which doesnt help the tiredness, but it does help everything else - i wish there was a non obvious, NC way of letting my ex see how ridiculously good i look, even if i am an emotional wreck!). But this emotional weight im carrying around with me is exhausting. And I can see that I feel much better when I'm rested, which obviously isnt often, as even when i do get to bed, sleep can be pretty hard to come by nowadays.

Has anybody else found this?

[HLP234]

I should start going to the gym as well but I'm too emotionally drained to even do anything other than go out with friends and complete my course work. It is very exhausting because at night you don't sleep and during the day you are trying to keep your mind off of it.

 

Sitting at work in my cube is especially boring on slow days, as there is nothing to do for hours and I tend to just drift off into the emotional land for a bit at a time.

 

What also makes it tough is when everyone else is trying to get you to do things that you are not in a mental state to do. For example, my parents are pushing me to consider taking the GRE, going to graduate school when i can't wait until May to just get my bachelor's.

 

I don't want to think about studying for a test when I just want to focus on whatever school work I have left to finish off the semester. Mentally, I am not prepared for that and it makes it harder when people just don't understand exactly how you feel. They know it hurts, but they have no idea that it should drain you.

[Brokenhearted_girl]

Hi Pulse and HLP,

 

I feel physically and mentally drained as well. It's like even in my sleep, I couldn't even escape him. My work performance has suffered a bit due to this. I still couldn't get 8 hours of sleep, often find myself waking up at 5 in the am. It is hard, I feel like it's a never ending cycle of the 5 stages of grief. At times I have accepted the loss but then when a memory pops up in my head, I am torn to pieces again.

 

To be productive though, I have planned to enroll in adult swimming classes. I am 29 and I have a fear of the water. So I decided today to conquer that fear. Hopefully by being busy physically I can fill the void that I am feeling. I have also decided to dress well every single day and to look like I am not grieving. It has helped me realize that I am still desirable by the opposite sex however, what I crave is intimacy and love and I realize that it is going to be a long time until I can share that with someone again. This thought makes me angry towards my ex again. Ugh... I recognize that this is just not going to help me so I need to let go of my anger and accept that no matter what I do, the breakup was inevitable.

 

woosah!