WAW lying to herself

[CBIIS1]

Well this week my WAW is telling my daughter that she believes, because I made a friend shortly after she left that I never really cared about her during the marriage of 26 years. I used to do her housework for her, do her hair color every month, put up with her family for her. This is getting too weird. Why is she saying things like this? I'm starting to realize that her seeing me with someone else was a terrible blow to her ego but after all she left me. I was devastated and she knew that. I just bounced off of it quick, thank God. Did she leave me expecting to leave me in total ruins over the loss of her love? It was a slice but.... She is telling herself lies and trying to convince my daughter of it on a weekly basis. Is she going through some new phase? Why would someone who left think about whether I loved her or not? She is the one who said she no longer loved me, why would she care if I loved her or even think about that?

[LisaUk]

It sounds to me like she is trying to use it as another reason to reinforce her justifications for leaving. Kind of like "well I was righ to go though, b/c he didn't love me anyway he moved on fast", could be b/c she is doubting her decision now she knows you're ok without her (like the effect of the 180) but it also could just be to ease her own guilt for leaving. Believe me though, if she wanted you back she would be telling you, so try not to take any hope from it (if that is what you were thinking?).

 

She could also be thinking how she wnated to get someone new first, you know kind of petty. Just my suggestions.

[TwoForgiving]

It may be hard for men to understand, and some women too, but I think jumping into another relationship a month after ending a 26 year marriage shows a lack of respect for your former spouse and marriage. She may have not expected you to wallow in pain for months or years but she was probably expecting you to show a bit more respect for your marriage.

 

Basically, the message you sent her went like " Oh well, she doesn't love me, what do I care, I'm going to go find someone else now."

 

I didn't read that she left you for someone else but because she fell out of love with you. You, on the other hand clearly, through your action showed her that her leaving didn't matter to you. So, she got a slap in the face. Is she right to be upset? I don't think it matters whether she's right or wrong but that she is. She was probably in pain even if she left you, leaving after so many years is never easy, but you showed her that it wasn't a big deal (may have not been your intention but that's what it came across to her as.) Maybe she had kept a hope up that you two would reconcile but you slammed that door by getting involved with someone new.

 

OTOH, you moved on with another woman so what difference does it make what your ex is feeling? She'll deal with her pain in her own way.

[mark982]

twoforgiving,you can't be serious. cb's done nothing but try to repair his life,and you suggest he disrespected his wife by dating AFTER she left? let me quess, he's supposed to sit around in self pitty,cring and boo-hooing, cause SHE didn't wanna be around no more.

[Steadfast]

I can relate to this. Soap opera stuff...really.

 

My ex walked into our house (unexpected, after picking up our daughter from a school function) while I was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee with a lady I was dating. It was uncomfortable, but I introduced them and thought she'd leave after that. Instead, my ex asked if she could 'talk to her outside'. What? I tried to block the whole thing but she agreed. I gave it two or three minutes then went out there, and the ex was really laying into her; this is still MY house, those are MY kids, and what are your intentions with HIM? I could not believe it. My lady friend left, stunned.

 

As you can imagine, it was my turn to lay into my ex after that. Easy to guess what I said; you have some nerve, what right do you have, you left, let me get on with my life, etc. Her reaction? She told me it wasn't about me, get over myself, and that she'd apologize when she saw her again.

 

She didn't get the chance, because neither one of us ever saw her again.

 

The point is, it's all about them having their cake and eating it. The same mis-guided reasoning that applies to cheating is transferred over to other aspects of the cheater's life. It's all about them, they are judge and jury. Obviously, this isn't always the case, but when you stop to consider that if a cheater didn't respect your feelings or well-being when they were married or with you, how can you expect them to when you're not?

 

Hard as it is, when this happens to a relationship it's best to cut and run.

[Gunny376]

Its part and parcel the pyschological state of Cheaters, WAS (Walk A Spouses) to justify and to completely rationalize their actions for doing what they have done.

 

Mine has even estranged mine to the point where being in the military is a bad thing, that its cheaper to shop out in the ville at WallyWorld than it is to shop on base at the commissary, that it was better to use Blue Cross and Blue Shield (with higher deductibles and premiums)

 

In the divorce I gave her everything worth stealing from a twelve year marriage, the tax deductions for both children.

 

For years upon years 25 % of my net income went to child support, 25 % to back taxes I owed (because of the X throwing me under the bus behind my back) and the rest toward the bills from the marriage ~ all of which I took.

 

For years I drove used car crap. While the X (back when I was paying child support and she and the new younger toy boy were trading for new cars every two or three years)

 

He's a marginally educated redneck, who worked for the electrical co-op supervising a crew cutting kudzu (a very aggressive growing type of vine that grows any and everywhere) off of power lines. A job he had before and after meeting marrying the XHEX

 

Before all of this he worked this marginally paying job, lived in a single wide used mobile home.

 

But miraculously after all of the divorce, and the above settlement? They're buying land, a double wide, horses, a sky boat. ~ Can I get a "Chi-Ching"

 

She got my then young children (DD10 and DS6) calling this POS from the outset "Daddy"

 

Now at least she's got DD29 telling me, "My Daddy's done more for me than you have!"

 

I intentionally impoverished myself for the benefit of my children benefit and welfare, (I didn't think I could get custody because I was career military)

 

I broke up with my last LTR GF because I could literally not afford to stay in a relationship with her or anyone.

 

Its easy to be a hero on another man's dime or whiskey (Quote from Lakeside Dreams)

 

But its all good now. Its been a long time in coming, I've a great low stress - no stress job, with low stress, no stress bosses and co-workers. Its not overly tasking ~ yet intellectually stimulating. I've no production nor sales quotas, I can read the newspaper, watch "tha Game (Troy University vs MCU and,..................Alabama vs Texas! ROLL TIDE) I've got a lot of freedom in how and when I do my job.

 

I'm making more money than I ever made in my life. I'm retired from the Corps, have all the benefits I had while on active duty.

 

One of the reasons my wife gave for cheating on me and leaving me was that I was a "work-aholic" and that I had to change, (with never listing ONE DAMN THING that I had changed.

 

Thanks to my military training, my educational background, (being taught to go find the answers to the questions and the solutions to the problems myself), having read a book or two, and especially to my good friends here at LoveShack that have taught me and from I have learned so much ~ I've grown a lot, have changed a lot.

 

To the OP I would say ~ I wouldn't worry about what comes out of your X's mouth. She'll rattle on and on about why she left.

 

I would recommend that when it comes to the DD you simply say ~ "I understand!" Shut up and move on.

[LakesideDream]

Couldn't agree more Guns. We've been through most of it. We survived because we were provided the critical skills. At divorce time neither of use knew that we posessed those skills however the stress of the times we faced brought out our talents.

 

There are things I miss not being married to the woman... but not enough to make the mistakes over again.

 

I got the "he's a better dad than you were" thing too... although it was silly as the kids were old enough to drink by then.. but the intent was there. Now I have the joy of knowing that I'm doing fine, have enough, happy enough, work when I want to... and the ex and her soul mate are living happily broke together...

 

Funny, that never happied when I was "Married with Children"..... It things were good it was an accident, if not... well y'all know right? Amazing thing was I actually believed it, some of the time at least.

 

Even Officers get it right occasionally Gunny

 

Semper Fi

Edited January 7, 2010 by LakesideDream

[Gunny376]

Couldn't agree more Guns. We've been through most of it. We survived because we were provided the critical skills. At divorce time neither of use knew that we possessed those skills however the stress of the times we faced brought out our talents.

 

There are things I miss not being married to the woman... but not enough to make the mistakes over again.

 

I got the "he's a better dad than you were" thing too... although it was silly as the kids were old enough to drink by then.. but the intent was there. Now I have the joy of knowing that I'm doing fine, have enough, happy enough, work when I want to... and the ex and her soul mate are living happily broke together...

 

Funny, that never happied when I was "Married with Children"..... It things were good it was an accident, if not... well y'all know right? Amazing thing was I actually believed it, some of the time at least.

 

Even Officers get it right occasionally Gunny

 

Semper Fi

 

Thanks Lakeside.

 

But through it all?

 

We "Just did the RIGHT THING!"

 

It wasn't always easy, it wasn't always fun, A lot of times it was a down right a Mother Trucker I'm here to tell you! It was hard to deal with and a hard lot to swallow. Had to choke down on it!

 

(For those that don't know? Lakeside is a former Vietnam Era Combat Vet that earned his commission the hard way ~ and should be given his proper respect! Sorry Bro! Not to call you out? Its forty or fifty years over due!)

 

I think us military types have it the roughest of the bunch when it comes to separation and divorce. (No disrespect intended) but we're much more committed and much more in than "in for a penny in for a pound!"

 

We've got this whole "to the hilt", "Death before dishonour" thing going on. Not that there's not a shortage of slim bags in the military that feel and think differently.

 

The message I'm getting out here in civilian la~la land is that there no such thing as team ship, one for all ~ all for one, but rather "Why should you care, give a damn, worry about the other guy? Its all for one and one for all? Why should you give a damn about helping the other guy do his job?

 

In my current job I'm on the phone constantly with my plant foreman ~ here's where we're at, this is what we need to do, I would recommend this or that? Lets try this or that?

 

He knows my job, I know his?

 

We're a team. That's on second shift!

 

Doesn't even happen on first or third shift!

 

That's the way marriages and relationships should be!

 

Constant communication!

[Woggle]

Some women just can't stand it when a man does not fall apart after a divorce and instead moves on with his life. Once you seperate with a woman she has no right to make any demands on how you live your life.

[bestplayer]

It may be hard for men to understand, and some women too, but I think jumping into another relationship a month after ending a 26 year marriage shows a lack of respect for your former spouse and marriage. She may have not expected you to wallow in pain for months or years but she was probably expecting you to show a bit more respect for your marriage.

 

Basically, the message you sent her went like " Oh well, she doesn't love me, what do I care, I'm going to go find someone else now."

 

I didn't read that she left you for someone else but because she fell out of love with you. You, on the other hand clearly, through your action showed her that her leaving didn't matter to you. So, she got a slap in the face. Is she right to be upset? I don't think it matters whether she's right or wrong but that she is. She was probably in pain even if she left you, leaving after so many years is never easy, but you showed her that it wasn't a big deal (may have not been your intention but that's what it came across to her as.) Maybe she had kept a hope up that you two would reconcile but you slammed that door by getting involved with someone new.

 

OTOH, you moved on with another woman so what difference does it make what your ex is feeling? She'll deal with her pain in her own way.

 

r u kidding ? He has must have done his best to fix yet she dumped him & u still feel as she is the victim . u need common sense

[seibert253]

Some women just can't stand it when a man does not fall apart after a divorce and instead moves on with his life. Once you seperate with a woman she has no right to make any demands on how you live your life.

 

^^^^^^^

This right here.

 

She's the one who left, as far as I'm concerned, she forefitted all rights to complain or demand anything as far as the husband is concerned.

[LisaUk]

It may be hard for men to understand, and some women too, but I think jumping into another relationship a month after ending a 26 year marriage shows a lack of respect for your former spouse and marriage. She may have not expected you to wallow in pain for months or years but she was probably expecting you to show a bit more respect for your marriage.

 

Basically, the message you sent her went like " Oh well, she doesn't love me, what do I care, I'm going to go find someone else now."

 

I didn't read that she left you for someone else but because she fell out of love with you. You, on the other hand clearly, through your action showed her that her leaving didn't matter to you. So, she got a slap in the face. Is she right to be upset? I don't think it matters whether she's right or wrong but that she is. She was probably in pain even if she left you, leaving after so many years is never easy, but you showed her that it wasn't a big deal (may have not been your intention but that's what it came across to her as.) Maybe she had kept a hope up that you two would reconcile but you slammed that door by getting involved with someone new.

 

OTOH, you moved on with another woman so what difference does it make what your ex is feeling? She'll deal with her pain in her own way.

 

You're kidding right?

 

The OP would have worked it our with her, she choose to leave and you say HE has closed the door on reconciliation?????????????????????????