i can't believe that i was so thoughtless

[6070]

Ok i am going to jump straight into this story, cos its eating me up inside.

 

I am in college right now and am on a three year course (IN MY FINAL YEAR NOW)

At the beginning of the second year of my course i met a wonderfull couple. (Martin and Sarah)

We all got along very well and i found two wonderfull friends in both of them, although i did get along slightly better with Sarah (i had no feelings for her at this point, we were just friends).

Me and Sarah were always the last ones up when everyone else went to bed including her bf. I must re-iterate that at this point it was all very innocent. We just enjoyed eachothers company.

jump to 3 months ago. . .

We were all chilling out and enjoying a few drinks with loads of other mates. At the latter part of the night she starts flirting with me. Later on in the night i got a major telling off from Martin who acused both of us of cheating.

The following morning both of them come and find me to apologize. I was very confused and upset, what had my friendship with this girl been built on?

In my confusion i began to ask myself do i like this girl?? does she like me??

The weeks went by and we all eased back into a steady friendship, only i began to have stronger feelings for Sarah. I began to distance myself tried hanging out with other people. One day i recieve a text message from sarah asking if we can meet. She immediatily sends another message saying forget it, it's nothing.

By complete coincidence i bumped into her in the park that day, we both sat down on a bench and I told her that Things have felt different since this one night and we both admited that we had feelings for each other, and both FELT VERY GUILTY for Martin's sake. We both said that we would ignore our feelings and get on with things.

Neither of us tried hard enough...sure enough we did spend more time with each other knowing full well that we had feelings for eachother. The flirting started up again we would occasionally hold hands, but nothing more. By this point i had completly forgoten about my other friend, Martin. In my head Sarah was all that mattered and i wanted to be with her so much. I asked her how things were going with Martin once and was told that the relationship was falling apart and that they probably wouldn't last through christmas. On hearing this I was almost happy. (reading this back I know that i am in the wrong, but i have to share this story as a lesson to others who may be in my position)

 

One night we are all drinking again (Me, Sarah, Martin, and a few other friends) after having a few drinks Martin demands that we go for a walk and talk. He knew that something was going on, and asked me what was happening between me and his girlfriend. I told him the truth and from there EVERYTHING FELL APART.

 

Martin sent me a message telling me to give both of them space. Later in the week both of them split up and Sarah knocks on my door and is really flirty. We hold hands and do things like stroke eachothers hair. But it goes no further. I tell her to leave my room and by 4am she finally does, telling me before she leaves that she will end things properly with martin. By this stage i don't know weather to feel guilty, happy or sad. I ended up feeling all three.

 

The following day i was shocked to find out that Martin and Sarah were going to give their relationship another try. I get a letter under my door from Sarah confirming this and telling me that we can no longer be friends.

 

Because we all live in student halls we are all in the same corridor. Which makes the whole situation alot more fragile. We all ocasionally bumped into each other and the atmosphere was deadly.

 

As time went by this atmosphere became more and more toxic. To the point where some of my own friends have turned on me telling me that i have cheated and that i should be ashamed of myself (i allready am) I have decided recently to move out of my current room and into another one across the building to give us all more space. I am alone in this new alien room typing this because i KNOW I AM IN THE WRONG.

 

I have lost my best friend Sarah

Other friends have turned on me

I have had to move

 

The moral of the story is, If you find yourself in love with a friend who is spoken for. WALK AWAY, it simply isn't worth it.

I have shed tears, and i hate myself for how single minded i was. There is nothing i can do to patch things up. It is a friendship that will never be repaired and their relationship (Martin and Sarah) has been damaged.

 

Some close friends have re-assured me that i was only partly to blame and that it takes two to tango. The fact is I WAS VERY CLOSE FRIENDS WITH BOTH OF THEM and i put my own desire before them. Greedy and selfish.

 

This is my punishment.

[Heather1]

Don't beat yourself up....this took 3 to tango. Her boyfriend put the thought in your head by being unreasonably jealous. She followed up with it by flirting and spending time with you, making it kinda real where it hadn't even been a thought before that & you restrained yourself pretty well, considering. You're a victim of manipulation by both of them, nothing else. You should stay away from them though, they're both kind of toxic.

You sound like a great guy....go take out the blonde down the hall.

[6070]

Don't beat yourself up....this took 3 to tango. Her boyfriend put the thought in your head by being unreasonably jealous. She followed up with it by flirting and spending time with you, making it kinda real where it hadn't even been a thought before that & you restrained yourself pretty well, considering. You're a victim of manipulation by both of them, nothing else. You should stay away from them though, they're both kind of toxic.

You sound like a great guy....go take out the blonde down the hall.

 

 

Wow, Its so refreshing to hear that from someone. Everyone in my old corridor has been making me feel guilty as hell (why i moved today). Thanks for making me smile. You have no idea how much that small message means to me. x

[whichwayisup]

Sarah is just as responsible, if not more seeing as she is the one who was/is in a relationship with him...But what I find odd is, her boyfriend, your friend seems to have forgotten his anger towards her.

 

Sorry that you had to move..People can be cruel, so do your best not to let them get you down. Sure you messed up, but it's a mistake you are learning from, as painful as it is.

 

Trust me, in afew weeks, I'd say even in a month people will forget and move onto something else. Plus, if she's cheated on him once, and they have issues, chances are, she'll cheat on him again.. Just do yourself a HUGE favour, if she calls you, or tries to see/talk to you, walk away. She isn't your friend, if she was, she never would have let you take all the heat for this. She's just saving her own ass from embarressment and made you into the bad guy.

 

Focus on school, try to keep your chin up and know that you will feel better soon!

[6070]

Ok so i haven't posted on this thread since i moved and yet again i would like peoples help, advice, etc.

 

Everything happened waaay back in November and i have moved to give all of us some much needed space.

 

I have decided that i would like to try my hardest to patch things up with Martin and Sarah, before we all leave uni and never see each other again.

 

Martin has occasionally spoken to me and i tip my hat to the guy. He really is very good like that. As for sarah, well i haven't spoken to her in months... i barely know her anymore.

 

I figured that you only get one shot at life and, if at one point we were all really good friends why can't we be that way again?? maybe i am being unrealistic.

 

I was thinking of plucking up the courage to go over to their room and give them a knock, and talk to them both about how i feel. At this stage i know in my heart that if i don't try, i will hate myself. I have to try and work things out somehow, they were both such good friends. (please remember that i haven't spoken to both of them together since the incident, i feel i have given them enough time)

 

I was just wondering, is it my place to go up and apologize?? or am i over analyzing it????

[bentnotbroken]

Ok so i haven't posted on this thread since i moved and yet again i would like peoples help, advice, etc.

 

Everything happened waaay back in November and i have moved to give all of us some much needed space.

 

I have decided that i would like to try my hardest to patch things up with Martin and Sarah, before we all leave uni and never see each other again.

 

Martin has occasionally spoken to me and i tip my hat to the guy. He really is very good like that. As for sarah, well i haven't spoken to her in months... i barely know her anymore.

 

I figured that you only get one shot at life and, if at one point we were all really good friends why can't we be that way again?? maybe i am being unrealistic.

 

I was thinking of plucking up the courage to go over to their room and give them a knock, and talk to them both about how i feel. At this stage i know in my heart that if i don't try, i will hate myself. I have to try and work things out somehow, they were both such good friends. (please remember that i haven't spoken to both of them together since the incident, i feel i have given them enough time)

 

I was just wondering, is it my place to go up and apologize?? or am i over analyzing it????

 

 

All the bolded parts are about YOU. Yes you are unrealistic. Their relationship has nothing to do with you, so your feelings aren't valid there. You feel You have given them enough time:laugh:maybe they feel differently. Most people don't feel like 4 or 5 months is a lot of time. Leave them alone and go your own way. If at any point in the future either of them feels the need to allow you into their lives again, then you get to think about what "you" want to do and how "you" feel about that. Until then, back off!

[6070]

Thanks alot for the advice,

 

I have left them alone for months and, the other day somebody told me that i wasn't trying hard enough either. That if we want any chance of working things out it has to be a two way thing, thats why i posted. I just needed to hear other insights and opinions.

 

Does everyone agree with bentnotbroken?

[lkjh]

Don't beat yourself up....this took 3 to tango. Her boyfriend put the thought in your head by being unreasonably jealous. She followed up with it by flirting and spending time with you, making it kinda real where it hadn't even been a thought before that & you restrained yourself pretty well, considering. You're a victim of manipulation by both of them, nothing else. You should stay away from them though, they're both kind of toxic.

You sound like a great guy....go take out the blonde down the hall.

 

 

 

How was the bf being unreasonably jealous? He saw a friend flirting with his gf and called him out on it. Low and behold the guy is in love with his gf

[6070]

I never thought i'd post on this again but here'd goes.

 

I haven't spoken to Martin and Sarah in a year now and i've been moving on with my life, I've graduated and am working hard. I haven't thought about what happened with me and Sarah in ages.

 

3 days ago i got a facebook message from sarah at 2 in the morning saying how sorry she was for everything and how i was the best friend she had at uni and how she misses me so much yada yada. she now wants to meet up with me for a coffee and catch up, i am shocked to receive a message from her after all this time.

 

Do you all think there is an alterior motive to her messaging me and more importantly should i meet up with her or should i stay away from her? After all im told that if you play with matches you get burned.

[6070]

How was the bf being unreasonably jealous? He saw a friend flirting with his gf and called him out on it. Low and behold the guy is in love with his gf

 

Actually SHE was flirting with ME, shes the one who kept knocking on my door to talk to me and she is the one who initiated all of this in the first place...but because i am the man i am the one who automatically gets the blame.

 

I wasn't the bad guy trying to get into her knickers I had to restrain myself so much to prevent further damage. Your right about me falling in love with her, but that happened after months of flirting. I hope you understand.

[Owl]

Why not suggest that the THREE of you get together sometime for coffee?

 

If she balks or suggests that it be just the two of you...you've got your answer.

[whichwayisup]

I never thought i'd post on this again but here'd goes.

 

I haven't spoken to Martin and Sarah in a year now and i've been moving on with my life, I've graduated and am working hard. I haven't thought about what happened with me and Sarah in ages.

 

3 days ago i got a facebook message from sarah at 2 in the morning saying how sorry she was for everything and how i was the best friend she had at uni and how she misses me so much yada yada. she now wants to meet up with me for a coffee and catch up, i am shocked to receive a message from her after all this time.

 

Do you all think there is an alterior motive to her messaging me and more importantly should i meet up with her or should i stay away from her? After all im told that if you play with matches you get burned.

 

How curious are you? First I would ask if she and Martin are still together. If it's a yes, then do as Owl, the wise one, has suggested. SO much time has gone by and you've moved on.. Do you really want to open that door again?

 

Actually SHE was flirting with ME, shes the one who kept knocking on my door to talk to me and she is the one who initiated all of this in the first place...but because i am the man i am the one who automatically gets the blame.

 

I wasn't the bad guy trying to get into her knickers I had to restrain myself so much to prevent further damage. Your right about me falling in love with her, but that happened after months of flirting. I hope you understand.

 

You could have easily said ... No. Just because someone flirts with you and throws themselves at you, doesn't mean you have to take them up on their offer. Both of you are at fault here. It has nothing to do with you being a man.

It takes TWO to cheat and she shouldn't have made moves to begin with seeing as she was with Martin. You let yourself fall in love and nuture those feelings.

 

Why not suggest that the THREE of you get together sometime for coffee?

 

If she balks or suggests that it be just the two of you...you've got your answer.

Yup, the wise one here said it all.