monkey Posted December 25, 2003 Share Posted December 25, 2003 Dear All I love my girl so much, we came to America together to try & start a life. I was there for 3 months & came back at beginning of November, she is there until March au-pairing for someone. She is my entire world & i miss her so much, 1 month before i leaft i started getting really bad panic attacks, mainly because i didn't want to leave her & i was returning to England & everything i wanted to escape from! I planned to return after xmas but she tells me she needs space, she was more like my nurse for the last 4 weeks we were together, putting up with my emotional problem. I couldn't help it. I feel so guilty for what i did & put on her, i've been on medication & feel a lot better. Every day is a nightmare being away from her, we email 1 or 2 times a week & hopefully we can start telephoning soon but i know i can't push her. The first week back i emailed her twice a day & she got mad because of it, i just missed her so much, i understand why she was angry with me, i just hate being away from her. Can anyone tell me what this space thing is all about & why it is mainly females that need it? does it normally work out for the best when given space & will she respect me more & not pushing things. I feel like writing every 5 minutes. My whole life is in limbo & i just want to rush things, but i know i can't. Everyone tells me to get on with my life & don't push things, but i feel i've done nothing wrong, i never hit her or cheated, i just was ill a little. Please help, i just want to go to bed until we see each other! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 25, 2003 Share Posted December 25, 2003 1. "Can anyone tell me what this space thing is all about & why it is mainly females that need it?" It's not just females, it's all healthy human beings. Nobody wants somebody of the opposite sex trying to climb up their butt all day. If you back off, you'll get almost any female's curiosity up but when you email twice a day you leave nothing to the imagination...you leave no challenge....you give her no desire because she's getting such a heavy dose of you already. It's nauseating for many females in certain situations to have a guy so persistant. The BEST thing you could do is stop contacting her entirely and find someone else. Short of that, communicate with her every two weeks. Dance with her. If she emails you every five days...then wait five days to reply to her email. If she calls you every two weeks....call her every 2 1/2 weeks. There's nothing more sickening to a woman than a man who is needy. Most women in your situation are looking for a confident man, not a wimp. The more you show her you can live without her, the more she will want to be with you. Hey, this is basic first grade stuff. I think you may have gone to the bathroom too much back then. 2. "does it normally work out for the best when given space & will she respect me more & not pushing things." Back off and she'll respect you a lot more for sure. What you're doing now is only going to work out for the worst. There is no way of knowing where this lady's heart is but the sooner you stop caring, the sooner you can get on with your life. Don't put such importance on the decisions she makes...make your own decisions for your life. Hedging your existance on the whims of some other person miles away, across a whole ocean, is absolutely insane. And judging from her actions and responses, you may have to change the way you do things for a very long time if you want her around. I personally would just ignore her for a while and find somebody nice right there where you are. I lived in England for a while and I met new ladies every day and they were GREAT!!! The only thing was they ate weird food I didn't particularly care for so I always carried fish and chips in my coat pocket. You blokes in England eat pretty bland stuff! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 25, 2003 Share Posted December 25, 2003 She is my entire world Monkey, this was your mistake. No human should allow another human to become his or her 'entire world'. That puts a huge responsibility on the object of your obsession (because it's way past affection) to be everything to you. No human can bear that burden. There's a difference between contacting someone frequently because you both enjoy each other a great deal and contacting a person out of terror and panic. Tony's rules of contact are helpful for the early stages of relationships in which you're not yet sure that the other person is really into you, but following rules won't help you if you don't work on yourself to become a confident, fully-rounded person. If, between your periodic bouts of contact, you're at home obsessing and panicking, then that will still be off-putting. However, if you become a strong, confident man with an interesting and full life of your own, I'm sure she'd be glad to be in contact with you much more. You may never be 100% secure, and that's fine. Few people are totally secure - but to be insecure to the point of panic is just not good at all. Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted December 25, 2003 Share Posted December 25, 2003 I have got to say that Tony, once again, has given picture perfect advice on how to conduct your self. I would take heed in what he says because when push comes to shove, you getting shoved right out the door, by her.... Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 It's just human nature, monkey. People need their space, and "neediness" on your part isn't attractive to her. She probably needed space because she got some bad vibes about being around you and worrying about you so much. I know it's difficult, but try to find a way to give her and yourself some space. Just tell her that you're going to respect her wishes and you'll try to limit your contact. And when you do contact her, make sure you don't overdo it by being too dramatic. Just let her know (once or twice a week) that you're doing okay and that you'd be glad to hear what she's up to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monkey Posted December 26, 2003 Author Share Posted December 26, 2003 Thanks very much everyone, you are all right, i know this! It's just so difficult when your used to sharing everything together & then moving to a beautifull part of the world to start a life, & then here i am again, right where i started. She says she needs this & what keeps me positive is that when we met, she didn't want anyone, we carried on being friends & she changed her mind, so whatever she says, no-one knows the future! Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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