I have noticed

[pureinheart]

I have noticed a great deal of judgementalism, cruelty and absolute disrespect in replies to those seeking compassion. We do not have to agree with the reason for the need of compassion, love or understanding, although is there any among you without sin? Is their sin "greater" than yours, or are you arrogant believing the lie that you are perfect.

 

I am not trying to preach, I just do not know of any other way to communicate this.

 

At this point, after what I am seeing, I do not care which forum it is, this is just terrible and very immature.

 

I can tell by the OP's that they are sincerely hurting, right....wrong...or indifferent, they are sincerely seeking love, understanding and compassion...some are seeking advice....if this be the case the advice should be respectful and not judgemental based on old hurts from the person replying.

 

I am seeing abusive replies.....and it's no wonder the world is the way it is.

 

One reply was so disturbing concerning the sheer joy out of another persons pain, it was this reply that prompted this knowledge that those that will not judge themselves first will have the mirror turned on them and those that find pleasure in anothers pain will have a broken mirror turned on them.

 

In 1993, during much counceling I ran around blaming everything and everyone else....the mirror got turned on me and I cried for 4 days...that was the beginning of compassion....some of you have a very long way to fall because you lack mercy and are arrogant....you will need great mercy and you will find none.

 

Concerning "I am better than you because I do not do that"....you are able to point out anothers wrongs especially when they are posting and have admitted wrong where it is due them...God help you is all I have to say. I have been down this arrogant road and was dealt with.....get ready and don't be surprised....

Edited January 7, 2010 by pureinheart

[Austen]

I'm brand new here, but thank-you for this post I've been on both sides of an affair, and the situation is never simple, and more often than not, people don't set out to hurt each other.

Relationships are the absolute most complicated things we deal with in this life.

[pureinheart]

I'm brand new here, but thank-you for this post I've been on both sides of an affair, and the situation is never simple, and more often than not, people don't set out to hurt each other.

Relationships are the absolute most complicated things we deal with in this life.

 

Yep me too....lol...I've cheated, been cheated on, and had an EA with a MM....it's all so hard.

 

I've been on and off this forum for the past 3 years and it has helped me reach a great deal of forgiveness for my most recent hurt.

 

I had a real problem with MM, total unforgiveness, although have chosen to judge myself and have fallen short once again....I was very angry with MM that threw the OW under the bus asking them to lie to their W's, and other situations like those....to me the W and OW gets thrown under the bus.

 

Now if a MM who had done this posted on this forum asking for advice and was humble that might have been different, not sure, it didn't happen...but still I am going to try to not let my own hurt and anger come forth in replies.

 

In your sitch, I know his profile by his Military history...I've worked with the Military all of my working life....90% of our unselfish homekeepers are respectful and actually "knights in shining armour"....JMO....I love them all....and thank God for them....

 

My God we are free because these brave men and women have sacraficed their lives....we owe them everything....and g/f, to hear that his W cheated on him really pisses me off to say the least....she sounds selfish and self-centered.

 

Anyway, my prayers are with the two of you....he deserves a good woman....

[moaningmyrtle]

I have noticed a great deal of judgementalism, cruelty and absolute disrespect in replies to those seeking compassion. We do not have to agree with the reason for the need of compassion, love or understanding, although is there any among you without sin? Is their sin "greater" than yours, or are you arrogant believing the lie that you are perfect.

 

I am not trying to preach, I just do not know of any other way to communicate this.

 

At this point, after what I am seeing, I do not care which forum it is, this is just terrible and very immature.

 

I can tell by the OP's that they are sincerely hurting, right....wrong...or indifferent, they are sincerely seeking love, understanding and compassion...some are seeking advice....if this be the case the advice should be respectful and not judgemental based on old hurts from the person replying.

 

I am seeing abusive replies.....and it's no wonder the world is the way it is.

 

One reply was so disturbing concerning the sheer joy out of another persons pain, it was this reply that prompted this knowledge that those that will not judge themselves first will have the mirror turned on them and those that find pleasure in anothers pain will have a broken mirror turned on them.

 

In 1993, during much counceling I ran around blaming everything and everyone else....the mirror got turned on me and I cried for 4 days...that was the beginning of compassion....some of you have a very long way to fall because you lack mercy and are arrogant....you will need great mercy and you will find none.

 

Concerning "I am better than you because I do not do that"....you are able to point out anothers wrongs especially when they are posting and have admitted wrong where it is due them...God help you is all I have to say. I have been down this arrogant road and was dealt with.....get ready and don't be surprised....

 

I agree there should be no abuse, cruelty or the taking of pleasure in another's pain on this forum. I agree with you too that disagreeing (even strongly) is not the same as disrespect.

 

As for judgment, some posters ask for others' opinions and advice and this by its very nature requires a judgment on the part of those responding. This judgment may not always be favourable to those seeking advice or opinions. With that in mind I can't agree with you that there should be no judgment on these forums.

 

Not every poster needs "love" from other posters either but certainly a level of compassion and understanding often helps.

 

I am sorry to say that I personally don't consider it helpful when posters suggest that in some way some sort of retribution will be reined down "from on high" (some might call it karma or god's wrath or whatever) for arrogance, or whatever else a poster considers has been done wrong.

[pureinheart]

There is a difference between being judgemental and simply "judging" a situation....in fact of the a lot of the "advice" IS so laced with judgementalism based on personal hurts that it is pathetic...

 

Sorry if you don't like me or others communicating consequences for abusive actions (words) towards others from "God" or "Karma"....although that is the way it is....you have a real problem when I call out abuse towards OW. Do you enjoy or agree with abuse towards the OW?

 

You are confrontational for all of the wrong reasons, I suggest you work out your anger in the infidelity forum.

[TaraMaiden]

Excuse me, just to add some input....

 

Karma is not judgemental.

 

God might be, but don't pull us "non-Godists" into it.

 

I thank you.

[Simon Attwood]

I think you may have got out of the right side of the bed today, Tara

[pureinheart]

Excuse me, just to add some input....

 

Karma is not judgemental.

 

God might be, but don't pull us "non-Godists" into it.

 

I thank you.

 

Save it....just to add imput....and for the record, God is not judgemental....k ....have a good day , and figure out what you are talking about before you say it....

[moaningmyrtle]

There is a difference between being judgemental and simply "judging" a situation....in fact of the a lot of the "advice" IS so laced with judgementalism based on personal hurts that it is pathetic...

 

Sorry if you don't like me or others communicating consequences for abusive actions (words) towards others from "God" or "Karma"....although that is the way it is....you have a real problem when I call out abuse towards OW. Do you enjoy or agree with abuse towards the OW?

 

You are confrontational for all of the wrong reasons, I suggest you work out your anger in the infidelity forum.

 

I thought "judgmentalism" simply meant "being judgmental" ie "making a judgment" about something. Sorry if I got my meanings wrong. But in any case I still maintain that it is often necessary to make a judgment when giving advice or opinions. Any judgments so made will probably be based on the life experiences of the poster concerned and this may of course include personal hurts as well as personal high points. It's sad that you find people posting based on their life experiences "pathetic".

 

I simply don't agree that consequences from god is "the way it is". I don't believe in your god. I appreciate and respect that others do, but I think you need to be aware that not everyone on this forum shares your views; so just telling them that consequences from god or whatever will be divinely visited on them is not helpful to posters who do not share your beliefs. (In my opinion of course)

 

Actually I have already said I don't agree with abuse of anyone on this forum. Weren't some of your posts deleted only last week for being abusive?

 

You accuse me of being confrontational and angry - I certainly obviously disagree with you and sometimes others.

 

I hope you find this post respectful and not abusive of you. I merely don't agree with you about everything, that is all.

[Simon Attwood]

Save it....just to add imput....and for the record, God is not judgemental....k ....have a good day , and figure out what you are talking about before you say it....

 

 

The god of the old testament was extremely judgemental. Verging on spiteful and child like in his temper.

[pureinheart]

The god of the old testament was extremely judgemental. Verging on spiteful and child like in his temper.

 

That is certainly your opinion, no that is not God....that is humanity.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Concerning "I am better than you because I do not do that"....you are able to point out anothers wrongs especially when they are posting and have admitted wrong where it is due them...God help you is all I have to say. I have been down this arrogant road and was dealt with.....get ready and don't be surprised....

 

I don't know you or your story, but I think you need to explain why abusers need compassion and comfort over victims? Yours strikes me as a selfish and evil philosophy.

 

Those people who come here and have gotten themselves into a bad situation and truly want to change... are often treated VERY well.

 

Those people who are emotionally abusing other people are typically criticized and treated harshly. Though not always, because it depends mostly on their attitude.

 

So, my question to you is simple. Why do you feel it is required to offer compassion to people who knowingly hurt others and have no interest in changing?

 

If a man came on this site and stated that he beat his wife... and planned to continue... I see no moral difference between him and many of the emotional abusers on this site.

[TaraMaiden]

Wow....some of the replies I received were completely uncalled for....typical....one poster was such a reminder and the mind twisting that goes on in abusive relationships...perfect example....wow what a bumber.

 

This posts origins were in defence of the garbage that has been being said to exOW or current OW....this is not a safe forum for the OW...this is ridculous.

 

I say this to every Other Women....do not allow others to abuse you in any way shape or form....if you communicate in this forum that you feel guilty I can guarantee you you will be a target....this forum belongs to BS's and those who hate OW....it changes for a bit but the bottom line is it is not safe....there is too much hatred from others here......and excuse me if I offend the ones who continually abuse the OW.....I hope this gets deleted because this is really the hatred for OW forum

 

I really do not know what you're talking about - or whom, for that matter. If you have a personal issue with one particular poster, it would be better to either discuss it with them personally and reach an agreement, or if you feel it's a serious violation of the ToS and forum guidelines, you should simply report the post and detail why you're reporting it.

 

But to open a thread ostensibly complaining about people's judgemental attitudes - and then go on a flying-spree doing exactly the same thing, is somewhat hypocritical, and really neither sensible nor appropriate.

 

Try to calm down and discuss this rationally, because you're making little sense....

 

Love your signature, by the way.

[pureinheart]

Is it rude that I don't know who you are referring to because you didn't give the name of the person or the thread? I am only left to assume. Show me where to find the facts! All I know is you come here complaining that other people are rude in their statements yet you are rude in yours!

 

If you frequented this forum you would understand....it is impossible to state every thread....read the recent treads in this forum, they are long...you would have to keep up with them. Show me what gives you the right to judge me based on one reply, you are rude one and I am done dealing with you....this is almost funny and a waste of precious time.

 

It is interesting that you consider me "complaining" because I am fed up with the abuse of OW....that says it all my dear, I wish the best for you.

[greengoddess]

lol this is funny. So your idea of support is all flowers and roses? It's ok I know it hurts to sleep with another womans husband. Here honey let me help you think of ways to make him leave his wife or spend more time with you or hey get a pay as you go phone. Is this the support everyone should offer?

 

The only positive support I can even conceive on this board is to make the ow/om realize their worth and their value. To help them see they are worth so much more than waiting around for a man to leave his family. They are worth so much more than waiting around for the phone to ring because they are not ALLOWED to call the one they love. They are worth so much more than sitting at home wondering what the one they love is doing with his wife at his home while they are all alone. Support for this forum should be helping the ow/om find their self respect and tell the married person that they can not continue having a relationship in the shadows and if they don't respect them enough to show them off to the world then they can't do this. If the mp loves them they will move heaven and earth to leave.

 

Do you really think the mp respects the other when they are willing to sneak around and be a secret? That's not how someone who loves you treats you.

 

I was just reading on another ow board about an ow who had aborted the mm's baby and the mm is right now with his wife in the delivery room. HE asked her to abort his child, is having a child with his wife and she still believes he loves her. WHAT HEARTBREAKING PAIN for that ow. Do they support her by telling her please please get out of this relationship it is nothing but pain? NO they tell her to get her mm to buy a secret phone. OMG how on earth is that support? Someone needs to help this woman. It is so sad. Oh and the POS MM had a dday a month ago while his wife was pregnant and chose to work on his marriage and they still advise her to be the happy little ow and not make waves. HOW SICK IS THAT? That is not support. That is helping to enable a no win VERY PAINFUL situation. This poor woman could leave that pos with the newborn and be deleriously happy in a new relationship with a single guy in three months but NO they encourage her to keep on keeping on.

 

You want to support someone? Help them to be the best person they can be not enable their poor decisions and yes having a secret relationship that causes you to lie to everyone is a poor decision.

[pureinheart]

I don't know you or your story, but I think you need to explain why abusers need compassion and comfort over victims? Yours strikes me as a selfish and evil philosophy.

 

Those people who come here and have gotten themselves into a bad situation and truly want to change... are often treated VERY well.

 

Those people who are emotionally abusing other people are typically criticized and treated harshly. Though not always, because it depends mostly on their attitude.

 

So, my question to you is simple. Why do you feel it is required to offer compassion to people who knowingly hurt others and have no interest in changing?

 

If a man came on this site and stated that he beat his wife... and planned to continue... I see no moral difference between him and many of the emotional abusers on this site.

 

Read what this forum is.....support for those who find themselves in ......

 

Compassion and support mixed with love is "evil philosophy"....for me I try to support all....mainly those trying to get out....

 

Have you ever lied? If so you are a liar....have you ever stolen anything? then you are a thief....I'll get you a pile of stones to throw at others....k....

[Untouchable_Fire]

Read what this forum is.....support for those who find themselves in ......

Compassion and support mixed with love is "evil philosophy"....for me I try to support all....mainly those trying to get out....

Have you ever lied? If so you are a liar....have you ever stolen anything? then you are a thief....I'll get you a pile of stones to throw at others....k....

 

Support is not high fiving someone who is making bad life choices... especially when they are creating collateral damage with children.

 

Sometimes supporting someone is telling them the truth, letting them know when they do wrong.

 

I've taken my fair share of hits from stone throwers. I thank those people, they were honest with me when others lied and flattered. It has helped me be a better person and to not repeat the same mistakes.

 

And yes, if you emotionally support someone who is damaging another persons family/children... You become partially responsible for that outcome.

 

Sometimes you need to think... am I making this world a better place... or just feeding the misery.

[Simon Attwood]

That is certainly your opinion, no that is not God....that is humanity.

 

 

I totally agree with you, yes it was humanity.

 

But then humanity has always seemed to have a habit of creating gods for the purpose of excusing itself for it's worst acts of atrocity, violence and brutality upon itself.

 

But I was being specific to how The Bible describes Yahweh, the god of the old testament; The god that condoned and ordered the murder of women and children. The god that condoned and ordered the murder of brother by brother. The god that condoned and ordered rape and imprisonment of virgins. The god that is said to have actively encouraged genocide....

 

In fact this is how Richard Dawkins describes him;

 

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully

 

and I think that sums it up quite well

 

During the conquest and destruction of the Canaanite nation by the Jews, which The Bible alleges was at the instruction of God. The Bible states;

 

“When the LORD [Yahweh] your God has delivered them over to you and you have defeated them, then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy - do not leave alive anything that breathes”

 

This is just one example of many from The Bible. And it was this god that i was referring to.

[pureinheart]

Most of the individuals who attacked me in this thread attacked the OW in a previous thread....and these were OW who had either gotten out and went back after MM left the wife or was considering getting out....I pointed out the judgementalism of all of you.....

 

Were you BS's....if so you did not own your H....he has a right to do what he wants....blaming others does not help....guess what you are not in control of anyone , and maybe that controling nature led to the break up anyway...who knows....this has turned into a very abusive forum, some manipulative with selective wording laced with manipulations....

 

And where any of you say that I support adultry you can....even current OW don't....and ya know what if they do that is ok too because you are NOT in control opf anything....this forum should strictly be a OW forum or change it to only betrayed S.....this is ridiculous and childish and I am done

[pureinheart]

I totally agree with you, yes it was humanity.

 

But then humanity has always seemed to have a habit of creating gods for the purpose of excusing itself for it's worst acts of atrocity, violence and brutality upon itself.

 

But I was being specific to how The Bible describes Yahweh, the god of the old testament; The god that condoned and ordered the murder of women and children. The god that condoned and ordered the murder of brother by brother. The god that condoned and ordered rape and imprisonment of virgins. The god that is said to have actively encouraged genocide....

 

In fact this is how Richard Dawkins describes him;

 

 

 

and I think that sums it up quite well

 

During the conquest and destruction of the Canaanite nation by the Jews, which The Bible alleges was at the instruction of God. The Bible states;

 

“When the LORD [Yahweh] your God has delivered them over to you and you have defeated them, then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy - do not leave alive anything that breathes”

 

This is just one example of many from The Bible. And it was this god that i was referring to.

 

Thanks for being respectful.......I don't agree, although I respect and appreciate what you had to say....it's important to share different opinions....I love hearing and reading other beliefs...it broadens my perspective....hey thanks...you put a cool smile on my face!

[pureinheart]

I don't know you or your story, but I think you need to explain why abusers need compassion and comfort over victims? Yours strikes me as a selfish and evil philosophy.

Why should you receive compassion for anything ever...forgot how perfect you are or proclaim to be

 

Those people who come here and have gotten themselves into a bad situation and truly want to change... are often treated VERY well.

 

Those people who are emotionally abusing other people are typically criticized and treated harshly. Though not always, because it depends mostly on their attitude.

 

So, my question to you is simple. Why do you feel it is required to offer compassion to people who knowingly hurt others and have no interest in changing?

 

If a man came on this site and stated that he beat his wife... and planned to continue... I see no moral difference between him and many of the emotional abusers on this site.

 

For the record this reply is referring to OW....you have a very hard heart...you are conditional by nature...love is not apart of you....this is sad

[Untouchable_Fire]

Most of the individuals who attacked me in this thread attacked the OW in a previous thread....and these were OW who had either gotten out and went back after MM left the wife or was considering getting out....I pointed out the judgementalism of all of you.....

Were you BS's....if so you did not own your H....he has a right to do what he wants....blaming others does not help....guess what you are not in control of anyone , and maybe that controling nature led to the break up anyway...who knows....this has turned into a very abusive forum, some manipulative with selective wording laced with manipulations....

And where any of you say that I support adultry you can....even current OW don't....and ya know what if they do that is ok too because you are NOT in control opf anything....this forum should strictly be a OW forum or change it to only betrayed S.....this is ridiculous and childish and I am done

 

Those BS's who attacked you deserve your compassion more than anyone else here. Do they get it?.... No. Do you think they get hurt less? I personally think it hurts them more.

 

Your too stuck in the OW vs. BS thinking.

[pureinheart]

lol this is funny. So your idea of support is all flowers and roses? It's ok I know it hurts to sleep with another womans husband. Here honey let me help you think of ways to make him leave his wife or spend more time with you or hey get a pay as you go phone. Is this the support everyone should offer?

 

The only positive support I can even conceive on this board is to make the ow/om realize their worth and their value. To help them see they are worth so much more than waiting around for a man to leave his family. They are worth so much more than waiting around for the phone to ring because they are not ALLOWED to call the one they love. They are worth so much more than sitting at home wondering what the one they love is doing with his wife at his home while they are all alone. Support for this forum should be helping the ow/om find their self respect and tell the married person that they can not continue having a relationship in the shadows and if they don't respect them enough to show them off to the world then they can't do this. If the mp loves them they will move heaven and earth to leave.

 

Do you really think the mp respects the other when they are willing to sneak around and be a secret? That's not how someone who loves you treats you.

 

I was just reading on another ow board about an ow who had aborted the mm's baby and the mm is right now with his wife in the delivery room. HE asked her to abort his child, is having a child with his wife and she still believes he loves her. WHAT HEARTBREAKING PAIN for that ow. Do they support her by telling her please please get out of this relationship it is nothing but pain? NO they tell her to get her mm to buy a secret phone. OMG how on earth is that support? Someone needs to help this woman. It is so sad. Oh and the POS MM had a dday a month ago while his wife was pregnant and chose to work on his marriage and they still advise her to be the happy little ow and not make waves. HOW SICK IS THAT? That is not support. That is helping to enable a no win VERY PAINFUL situation. This poor woman could leave that pos with the newborn and be deleriously happy in a new relationship with a single guy in three months but NO they encourage her to keep on keeping on.

 

You want to support someone? Help them to be the best person they can be not enable their poor decisions and yes having a secret relationship that causes you to lie to everyone is a poor decision.

 

You have no idea what you are saying and I will not even justify this with an answer....God help for what you have assumed I am....I am a post abortion councelor....so do not go there....you do not know what you are talking about where I am concerned and I wish you the best and am done with you....

[jennie-jennie]

"the hatred for OW forum"

[pureinheart]

"the hatred for OW forum"

 

No lie...something needs to be done...this is the second time that it has been so bad and disrspectful....what can be done about this????? I am serious!!!!!