What is she thinking?

[MrDazedAndConfused]

I could really use some advice here.

I'm in a long term relationship, which, if im honest, has become an empty love held together by nothing more than the presence of children.

Last summer i met a woman whilst commuting to work who shares the same journey as myself. Things quickly progressed from just saying hello to sitting together and becoming very close. We typically spend about 4/5 hours a week together just talking. Our conversations have become increasingly personal and there is undoubtedly a strong chemistry between us. She is also in a long term relationship but claims to be happy and content with it.

I've made no secret of my friendship with this woman to my partner and she says she has told her partner she talks to me.

 

In my 'planet man' head, because we dont date or have any physical aspect, she is in the 'friend' category, allthough if i'm honest im pretty sure ive fallen in love with her and the whole situation may have fallen into the emotional affair category.

 

Recently i made a flippant suggestion that one day she may meet my partner and her response was that she didnt want to and that it would be a really bad idea for me to ever meet her partner. I replied "..but were friends arent we?" to which she made no reply and just stared away from me.

 

What i need to know is whats going on in her 'planet woman' head? She's still content to talk to me for hours on end but is it likely that she may have developed feelings for me too?

Part of me wants to tell her im in love with her, but im fearfull of scaring her away. Part of me wants to confront her and talk about whats going on between us. I suspect we must both be getting something from eachother that we're not getting in our respective relationships, but, allthough i admit my relationship is not ideal she 'claims' hers is good - but im not sure it can be if she's allowing herself to get so close to me.

If im brutally honest, I would end my current relationship to be with her if she genuinly wanted to be with me too, but i just dont know whats driving her.

I would welcome any advice please.

[paddington bear]

This is why a lot of women fear the other woman in work or wherever that their man can talk to more than say some very good looking woman. The emotional connection leads to more serious feelings than just an initial sexual attraction and is therefore dangerous.

 

suggestion that one day she may meet my partner - good idea to test the waters, friendship or more on her side.

but were friends arent we?" to which she made no reply and just stared away from me. - I think you have your answer here, no matter what she says about her relationship, not wanting to meet your other half and not replying to the only friends comment I think is very telling as to what's going on in her mind.

 

I am planet woman myself and the guy I fancied the ass off had this ex who he still had a lot to do with. While I still thought there was a chance with him, I really didn't want to meet the ex, and have her assess me, or 'make friends' with me (she wanted him back) and then for me to feel guilty for having feelings for him because this woman would then be a real entity as opposed to some shadowy figure in the background.

 

I finally agreed to meet her and allow her into my life only when I'd realised that this man was never, ever going to make a move on me and was still confused about her. In my head I thought 'she's won, I give up' and tried to make friends with her and pursued dating other people and told her and him about these dates, to make her feel secure that I wasn't trying to 'steal' him from her.

 

The situation you're in is messy. You've fallen for her, and if it wasn't her, it'd be someone else sometime due to your marital situation. She may claim to be happy in her relationship, but not be. Or, maybe she is happy in her relationship with you gives a bit of excitement into her life, something a bit naughty and she cherishes it, but would never take it any further because of the total mess that would ensue - 2 relationships broken due to it etc.

 

Due to her not responding to the we are only friends statement and not wanting to meet your other half, would indicate to me that yes, she has developed feelings for you too. Unfortunately, you're never going to work out what's in her head unless you talk to her.

 

Your choices are:

 

1: things go on as they are, you fall harder, nothing happens, nothing is said apart from hints and looks and trying to guage reactions, you get frustrated with her, things don't progress either way, she still continues with her man and yet wanting what she has with you, you get hurt, you end up not speaking, you end up bitter.

 

2: you speak to her, find out the truth (which might take some time and conversations to eek out of her, as maybe she's not clear on how she feels about you - hard to have clear feelings when you are distracted by another full relationship), and then take it from there. Maybe it will be too hard for you to be around her when you can't have her, maybe she will say that she has no feelings for you and doesn't want to see you any more, or you two eventually get together.

 

Either way, there is a huge opportunity for you to get hurt, but IME, bad as it is, it is better to know sooner rather than later, or you feel like you've invested so much emotionally over so much time, and of course you fall deeper and deeper and so when you finally do find out the bad news it is totally crushing - all those months of expectations quashed in an instant.

 

On a side note, if your LTR is on the rocks, perhaps you should leave anyway, whether this women is in your life or not. Perhaps she has come into your life to focus you on what you do want or don't want in a relationship. You being 'single' again would make things a lot easier with either her or others - If I was her I would hate to be the reason for breaking up a couple with kids, even if that relationship was going downhill anyway, I would feel incredibly responsible and guilty that I was the key to the downfall of that relationship.

[MrDazedAndConfused]

Thanks Paddington_B. Thats given me food for thought.

Your option 1 doesnt appeal at all, 2 seems better.

But should I actually tell her i've fallen in love with her or maybe has her feminine intuition already worked that out?

 

Developing into a full blown affair is out of the question as i simply cant face the thought of all that sneaking, lying, cheating etc. I genuinely think way to much of her for that and wouldnt disrespect my partner in that way.

 

I dont necessarily want to be the reason for her relationship breaking up either. Again, i genuinely want her to be happy. If thats with her current guy, then thats what i want for her too.

But maybe there would come a point where we face the facts that we're living a lie in our current relationships.

The way i see it, the first thing we have to do is be honest with ourselves, then honest with eachother, and finally honest with our existing partners.

So should i be honest with her and tell her how far ive fallen in love?

[paddington bear]

Well, I guess, if I was you, I would, to protect myself from putting it ALL on the line. and to protect her from a total bombshell to tell her that you've developed feelings for her, rather than dumping the big 'I LOVE YOU' onto her lap.

 

The thing is you don't actually know what's going on in her head...and she may never admit to you what's going on in her head. You know her and her personality so I guess will know yourself how to talk to her or what would be best to say. She may be totally shocked if you admit you've fallen for her and simply run away because it's all too intense.

 

Saying you've developed feelings for her allows you to express that something has changed on your side in your relationship to her, but without putting it all on the line so that if she laughs or is like 'what? are you kidding me?' you can retreat with some pride intact. It also allows her to say something like 'I think my feelings for you have changed too' rather than to having to admit love, which is a hard thing to do when she is with another man.

 

So, in short, be honest with her - but not in a scary way! And give her time to be honest back...if she's not, or you feel she's lying there's not much you can do other than accept whatever she presents you with. But...be prepared not to get the answer you want. This could get very hurtful and painful emotionally and you might lose her, so tread carefully and assess if you can cope with the fallout from being honest.

[MrDazedAndConfused]

Additionally Paddington_B, you've absolutely hit the nail on the head when you say...

You've fallen for her, and if it wasn't her, it'd be someone else sometime due to your marital situation

but using reverse logic when you say...

Due to her not responding to the we are only friends statement and not wanting to meet your other half, would indicate to me that yes, she has developed feelings for you too

surely this implies that if it isnt me then it'd be someone else at some point for her too?

[paddington bear]

True...but you are doing what I have done in the past. I fell so hard for someone and every little thing they did and said suddenly took on so much importance and I analysed it all to bits to make it into the answer I wanted it to be i.e. that he wanted me too.

 

Turned out he didn't...I think he might have if circumstances had been different, but that's beside the point, ultimately there were clear signs there that he was into me, had feelings for me, he'd said certain stuff...but ultimately not enough.

 

So, even if your observation might be true, beware of doing what I've done, you need to speak with her, otherwise you may end up having this fully-formed imaginary relationship in your head with her, which might not be reciprocated to the degree that you are willing it to be.

[MrDazedAndConfused]

Well, we had a chat. It took the form of a discussion about our shared journey and how, if either of us changed jobs, I supposed we would have to say goodbye. I pointed out that this would make me quite sad as I had grown very fond of her. We were sat side by side and she wasnt looking at me at the time, but i saw her smile as i said it.

I also asked her about our previous chat on the subject of being friends to which she'd made no reply. She then went into this bizarre analogy of a pie and how her partner occupies the main slice and her existing friends take all the remaining pieces, so that she had no pie left for any more friends!!!!! What the heck does that mean? I was left thinking "girl, you need a bigger pie!".

We also had a separate chat about the nature of love and how for a small word it had so many meanings ie love of a friend, love of a parent, love of a pet etc. I mentioned that falling in love was completely different and that you had no control of it, couldnt influence it and that it just happened whether you were looking for it or not.

As a separate development, she has now started wearing an engagement ring which her partner surprised her with.

I'm more confused than ever now! Any thoughts anyone? Do you think she's got the message that i've got feelings for her?