can 36 year old girlfriend have a midlife crisis?

[adamt]

I'm slowly moving on after a break up about 8 months ago(where has that time gone?) but sometimes i am still trying to work where it went wrong. A bit of self reflection so i can take things i have learnt into my next relationship.

 

 

I've posted a lot over the months so i will keep it brief on my situation. went out with my ex for 3 years, great 2.5 years to the point we were ready to buy a house together and started looking. we both seemed happy and content on how things were going. but her mom had been fighting cancer and passed away. she also had an ear operation to sort out titinitus.she was withdrawing from me and keeping things to herself.she started going to the gym and losing weight. became a lot more self concieous on how she looked(she was fine looking already). more selfish.

 

got dumped not long after her mom died. she said she jsut wants to be on her own and no plans to look for someoene else. 8 months on i get scraps of info and she seems to be into designer labels, buying a new flashy sporty car, totally change in dress style. no more jeans and baggy tops but dresses and skirts and tighter fitting clothes,reconnected with old friends, drinking more and goign out a lot more(she was always content staying in and having wine and food), had lazer eye surgery. she travelled to australia to visit a friend who emigrated a few years ago. no new boyfriend on the horizon(i'm not holding out for false hope) it feels like she is trying to sort issues out in her life and doing things she wish she had done earlier. trying to relive her 20s again.

 

maybe i have worked out why it went wrong. I feel i still have had issues with thinking it is all my fault we split up. Has anyone else suffered from their ex having a midlife crisis?

[Blueberry7691]

Wow!

I know someone very close to me who at the age of 39 questioned her attraction. Okay, it was me! Anyway, at 39, I wondered..am I still attractive to men??? I used to get sooo much attention in my 20's...where did the time go? Well, yeah, I was still attractive to men. It wasn't until I 'woke up' or had this crisis, that it was brought to my attention.

 

I did things to change. I worked out, took better care of my skin, bought makeup, clothes, etc....

 

So, I think your gf was devastated from losing her mom and was sort of hit in the face with reality. Life is short and unpredictable.

 

I think you're right.

[brock9911]

got dumped not long after her mom died. she said she jsut wants to be on her own and no plans to look for someoene else. 8 months on i get scraps of info and she seems to be into designer labels, buying a new flashy sporty car, totally change in dress style. no more jeans and baggy tops but dresses and skirts and tighter fitting clothes,reconnected with old friends, drinking more and goign out a lot more(she was always content staying in and having wine and food), had lazer eye surgery. she travelled to australia to visit a friend who emigrated a few years ago. no new boyfriend on the horizon(i'm not holding out for false hope) it feels like she is trying to sort issues out in her life and doing things she wish she had done earlier. trying to relive her 20s again.

 

im not gonna sit here and pretend i know your scenario or hers but she sounds alot like what im going through...only i was the one who got dumped. my ex cheated on me right around when my pops died. i stayed wit her to try to work things out. about a year later she dumped me saying she thought i was cheating on her...go figure.

 

now mind you she dumped me back in late may which is approx 8 months ago. either way, i started going out alot more. drinking became excessive, i just started to cut back. i mean 5 maybe 6 nights a week i was going out. i went from skater clothes to stylish clothes, dress shirts and so on. redid my whole look. i had a huge falling out with a number of friends, we're all really close again and chill all the time. i bought a nissan titan...not a sport car but a big truck none the less. i booked a trip to Ireland for the spring and im traveling to boston at the end of this month. and im booking skydiving for the spring as well.

 

its kinda weird but it seems your ex and i are doing similar things. the difference is im out there actually looking for something, a g/f a new identity. who knows. i know i feel lost and im just trying to live and gain back some of the years i lost with my ex. im only 26, but i was with my ex for 8 years. i think its just her way of trying to live and recreate herself. its probably her own low self esteem like mine thats making her want to be more adventerous and fit in more. who knows, maybe im way off par, but i had to respondf cuz it sounded alot like my predicament. hope i helped

[Blueberry7691]

im not gonna sit here and pretend i know your scenario or hers but she sounds alot like what im going through...only i was the one who got dumped. my ex cheated on me right around when my pops died. i stayed wit her to try to work things out. about a year later she dumped me saying she thought i was cheating on her...go figure.

 

now mind you she dumped me back in late may which is approx 8 months ago. either way, i started going out alot more. drinking became excessive, i just started to cut back. i mean 5 maybe 6 nights a week i was going out. i went from skater clothes to stylish clothes, dress shirts and so on. redid my whole look. i had a huge falling out with a number of friends, we're all really close again and chill all the time. i bought a nissan titan...not a sport car but a big truck none the less. i booked a trip to Ireland for the spring and im traveling to boston at the end of this month. and im booking skydiving for the spring as well.

 

its kinda weird but it seems your ex and i are doing similar things. the difference is im out there actually looking for something, a g/f a new identity. who knows. i know i feel lost and im just trying to live and gain back some of the years i lost with my ex. im only 26, but i was with my ex for 8 years. i think its just her way of trying to live and recreate herself. its probably her own low self esteem like mine thats making her want to be more adventerous and fit in more. who knows, maybe im way off par, but i had to respondf cuz it sounded alot like my predicament. hope i helped

 

Yep!! Low self-esteem... At least, for me, that's what it was. And I know when my dad was very ill when I thought he was going to die, I looked at life differently. I started to think about life's meaning, purpose, my purpose...

 

It could be a combination of those things for your ex.

[adamt]

thanks for your replies. It does feel she is trying to find herself again. The way she is now seems a total stranger to the one i went out with. I felt i was to blame for not being supportive enough but when i look back she kept pushing me away and pushing me out. I think in the end she was just waiting until her moms ashes were buried then dump me(same day!) didnt even get a chance to work things out. she seems to disagree with anythign i said and did towards the end.i felt i was never out of order and let her have her space to deal with her loss. She became very selfish to the point that on my birthday she was dictating where we went to eat. But i never pushed to force things. Only positive thing is that we didnt buy that big house before it happened.

 

Towards to end she was looking at her pictures on facebook and commenting on how she looked nd wanted to lose weight. she even talked about maybe getting bottox. not that she needed it!

 

As for it effecting me, the usual heartbroken mental stuff. been on a few overseas trips. I've lost 22lbs and joined a gym. Had to reconnect with friends. i'm 38 and got me reflecting that am i ever going to have a family. took up snowboarding,getting fitter, trying to get outside more. naturally i am going out with friends and drinking more. realise i have to make myself looks as good as possible. stil hate those nights in alone. so bought a ps3 to get me through quiet evenings. been on a couple of dates and one is very nice and hope things move on

[Blueberry7691]

thanks for your replies. It does feel she is trying to find herself again. The way she is now seems a total stranger to the one i went out with. I felt i was to blame for not being supportive enough but when i look back she kept pushing me away and pushing me out. I think in the end she was just waiting until her moms ashes were buried then dump me(same day!) didnt even get a chance to work things out. she seems to disagree with anythign i said and did towards the end.i felt i was never out of order and let her have her space to deal with her loss. She became very selfish to the point that on my birthday she was dictating where we went to eat. But i never pushed to force things. Only positive thing is that we didnt buy that big house before it happened.

 

Towards to end she was looking at her pictures on facebook and commenting on how she looked nd wanted to lose weight. she even talked about maybe getting bottox. not that she needed it!

 

As for it effecting me, the usual heartbroken mental stuff. been on a few overseas trips. I've lost 22lbs and joined a gym. Had to reconnect with friends. i'm 38 and got me reflecting that am i ever going to have a family. took up snowboarding,getting fitter, trying to get outside more. naturally i am going out with friends and drinking more. realise i have to make myself looks as good as possible. stil hate those nights in alone. so bought a ps3 to get me through quiet evenings. been on a couple of dates and one is very nice and hope things move on

 

Your gf sounds like me. I didn't want my ex-bf so I distanced myself until I broke up with him (long story). Nothing you can do about her but you can certainly continue to take care of yourself like you're doing. Good for you!!! You should be proud of yourself.

[adamt]

brock9911, wow- 8 years together since 16 is a big thing. lots of growing and changes in that time i imagine. i used to think by the time people reach mid 30s they know what they want out of life, but then i suppose a big sledge hammer comes along and changes all that. feels like i've just wasted a big chunk of my 30s cos i was with someone who i was expecting to settle down and have a family with. i used my teens and 20s to go out and have fun

 

blueberry, can i ask if you have kids. i think my ex may never have kids, she never brought it up wanting them. this midlife crisis, will it last a few years. wonder if she hits 40 then panics she hasnt settled down

[brock9911]

Dude, as of now, your friends are gonna be your crutch. their mine, and i also hate the nights alone. thats why i was going out so much. and iv also lost 20 lbs. its natural though. you were comfortable with yourself and surroundings. your fishing and your the bait...gotta be an attractive piece of bait so naturally we drop the pounds, go to the gym. i personally love playing hockey, handball and racquetball.

 

but the drinking had to be controlled, so i too have turned to my ps3 to keep me occupied when im by myself...nothing like getting rid of some aggression by playing some call of duty.

 

38 is still young...no need to stop having fun. just in a responsible manor. dont hurt yourself in the process. i know age is on my side, but i still hate it

[adamt]

Dude, as of now, your friends are gonna be your crutch. their mine, and i also hate the nights alone. thats why i was going out so much. and iv also lost 20 lbs. its natural though. you were comfortable with yourself and surroundings. your fishing and your the bait...gotta be an attractive piece of bait so naturally we drop the pounds, go to the gym. i personally love playing hockey, handball and racquetball.

 

but the drinking had to be controlled, so i too have turned to my ps3 to keep me occupied when im by myself...nothing like getting rid of some aggression by playing some call of duty.

 

38 is still young...no need to stop having fun. just in a responsible manor. dont hurt yourself in the process. i know age is on my side, but i still hate it

 

it's nice to hear someone is going through similar, so i am not alone. yeah i dont feel too old, apparently i look good for my age and in good shape. Just me thinking nearer 40 than 30 since last time i was single

 

A positive for you is I think it is better to have your heart broken at a young age cos you learn so much from it and can take that into your next relationship. first time i have had my heart broken. in the past i've called it off or it was just mutual.

 

I only drink on a saturday night. So keeping that under control. a fix at the gym helps lot. never been one for 1 night stands so no rebounds

 

as for the ex, well i should have sussed more when the sex dropped right off in the last few months. I thought it was just the stress of her mom's situation

 

i'm waiting on a 34 year old to come back from oveseas for month. fingers crossed she still wants to go on a 2nd date.She is stunning and certainly not a rebound. The wait is a pain though. but if it works out she will be the medication to get me right.

[Blueberry7691]

blueberry, can i ask if you have kids. i think my ex may never have kids, she never brought it up wanting them. this midlife crisis, will it last a few years. wonder if she hits 40 then panics she hasnt settled down

 

Yeah, I have kids so it wasn't about getting married and having kids. I had LOW self-esteem. I never realized it until much later. Still working on that. Think it stems from childhood but what do I know?

[Blueberry7691]

i

as for the ex, well i should have sussed more when the sex dropped right off in the last few months. I thought it was just the stress of her mom's situation.

 

Oh boy..Do you think it's possible your ex was seeing someone else???

[adamt]

Yeah, I have kids so it wasn't about getting married and having kids. I had LOW self-esteem. I never realized it until much later. Still working on that. Think it stems from childhood but what do I know?

 

I'm not hoping to get back together, but wondering if any feelings return for the ex down the line or maybe have thought wondering if it was the right thing to do. I think my ex was relieved to be single and not looked back. I took it personally when she change her facebooks status pretty quickly but now i think its more about her state of mind.

 

It had crossed my mind she might have been seeing someone else, although she isnt the sort to have a quick shag or cheat on someone. I did ask her when we split up to be completely honest but she said there was no one and she wasnt looking to get a boyfriend and didnt know when she would want one. apparently she is still single and jsut hanging out with her sister and a few friends she lost touch with. i think only her dad she wants close to her in her life at the moment. she left home 18 and only saw her parents once every few months, even when we were going out. maybe there is some guilt to look after her dad now. seems to have got closer to her sisters too.

Edited January 7, 2010 by adamt

[brock9911]

well it sucks waiting on what looks to be a good thing, but remember things are so much sweeter when you have to wait and work for it. and i guess your right, but i put all my eggs in one basket with this one. i expected her to be the one i settled down with, but i guess life never goes as planned.

 

it has opened me up to some good experiences over the past few months and i can only hope they keep getting better. I personally want a change of scenery. im so sick of New York and the same old sh*t. i feel all i do is live to work cuz its so expensive.

 

and asfor the drinking, yeah i had to stop, or cut back. alcoholism is a killer in my fam. and i just fell right into that path, just glad i realized earlier than later.

[adamt]

well it sucks waiting on what looks to be a good thing, but remember things are so much sweeter when you have to wait and work for it. and i guess your right, but i put all my eggs in one basket with this one. i expected her to be the one i settled down with, but i guess life never goes as planned.

 

it has opened me up to some good experiences over the past few months and i can only hope they keep getting better. I personally want a change of scenery. im so sick of New York and the same old sh*t. i feel all i do is live to work cuz its so expensive.

 

and asfor the drinking, yeah i had to stop, or cut back. alcoholism is a killer in my fam. and i just fell right into that path, just glad i realized earlier than later.

 

when i was 29 i decided to change things. thought i could spend the next 20 years in my job. quit my job andstarted contract work and worked in many places. glad i did it. i also bought a new sports car when i was 30! your 30s fly by.

[nobmagnet]

Hi......Nob here.

 

Im 39...............ugh. However after lowly dumped moi I found a new Hobby!! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.!! I have spent tons of his cash on MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

I look better and feel better than I recon I ever have! It took his crushing blow of leaving me (after 3 years of put downs) to think.........hello??? WTF??? I am going to have fun now. No dosapproving git on my shoulder saying no.

 

I am going to america to a cattle ranch (city slickers) on my own in may for my 40th. Im gonna take my kids abroad I am going to have the best time ever! I have had my eyes opened like brock9111 and its sweet.

 

She had a life changing experiance in her parent dying. Life changing experiences make us re-evaluate ourselves. Mid life crisis? maybe but its more likely it was the daeth of her parent.

 

Im sorry your going through this but why not grab the world by the Boll*cks and have some fun too? Imagine if you two do hook up in the future?? What alot to talk about!

 

best wishes x

 

Nob

[brock9911]

You only live once. and im gonna take advantage of my freedoms and lack of bills and explore the world for now...where abouts in america...i know not New York...Texas?

[GrayClouds]

We all go through periods of rediscovery. How we do that is the question. We can do it in a unhealthy or healthy way.

 

Unhealthy way is to focus on external factors an look for them to give you satisfaction. If I had a new relationship that would make me happy, our if I upgrade my material things then they would give me worth. But often these things are short lived.

 

Or that rediscovery can be done in a healthy way. What things can I do to hep improve my relationship. What things can I do to have greater satisfaction with myself. I will take some effort to understand form where my dissatisfaction comes. Ironically enough it is the same work a person should do to help people heal from a break up.

 

In the unhealthy way it is ready -shoot -aim way of problem solving vs the healthy way of ready-aim-shoot way. The first usually produce a great deal of stay bullets that hurt other people and generally produces distraction not permanent results. Sad that this is often the result many people take, for they have no the knowledge, discipline or courage to take the other way.

 

It sounds like your gal. Sorry, though it will get better for you, just remember to focus on not what happen but what your going to make happen. That is the healthy way.

Edited January 7, 2010 by GrayClouds

[adamt]

We all go through periods of rediscovery. How we do that is the question. We can do it in a unhealthy or healthy way.

 

Unhealthy way is to focus on external factors an look for them to give you satisfaction. If I had a new relationship that would make me happy, our if I upgrade my material things then they would give me worth. But often these things are short lived.

 

Or that rediscovery can be done in a healthy way. What things can I do to hep improve my relationship. What things can I do to have greater satisfaction with myself. I will take some effort to understand form where my dissatisfaction comes. Ironically enough it is the same work a person should do to help people heal from a break up.

 

In the unhealthy way it is ready -shoot -aim way of problem solving vs the healthy way of ready-aim-shoot way. The first usually produce a great deal of stay bullets that hurt other people and generally produces distraction not permanent results. Sad that this is often the result many people take, for they have no the knowledge, discipline or courage to take the other way.

 

It sounds like your gal. Sorry, though it will get better for you, just remember to focus on not what happen but what your going to make happen. That is the healthy way.

 

good post that. she is getting materialistic stuff to give her a temporary high. she used to say she couldnt spend £400 on a new handbag then eventually she did. now she is into labelled clothing

[nobmagnet]

Soz maybe I am not going about this the wrong way in your oppinion grey but it feels right for me and my family.

 

I havent been able to take my children on holiday till last year....on my own for 5 days. The look of excitement on their faces was worth any money I could ever spend. We only went to the seaside! They have missed out on soooooo much to. I am taking more time for them, I am taking more time for me I beleive this is going to help all our self esteem and happyness. If you think thats wrong? well thats ok. I dont.

 

I have spent money on me. Its not masses but I have enjoyed investing in my appearence. Im not 60 in 39.

 

Brock,

 

Im am going to texas! I am in the process of reasurch right now and I cant wait. My family are all behind me. I know it will be a life changing experience.

 

nob x

[brock9911]

nob

 

i understand what grey is getting at. but its different for everyone. i personally have always loved to travel. unfortunately i havent been far off the east coast of the US...iv been up and down the shore, and to Mexico but thats about it. i cant wait to explore other countries and even more of my own...theres so much more outside of this shell i live in called New York where the people think their better than you and cause more stress than relief from the burdens of life.

 

have you ever been to the US before?

[carhill]

She had a life-altering event (her mother dying when she was relatively young) and it affected her psyche. Suddenly, her own mortality stared her in the face and she re-evaluated her perspective.

 

Her seemingly drastic change perhaps is a rubber band from where she once was, but, in reality, her natural setpoint really was somewhere in between and it was hidden from view. Maybe it will settle out. Maybe not.

 

Having been through something similar and examining my own psychology in MC, I'll offer it up as one possibility. I doubt it had anything to do with you.

[nobmagnet]

brock

 

Never!!!!!! I am so excited. I have travelled through-out europe and have been to south africa but not USA. I am really looking forward to it.

 

Memories for my kids is important to me. be it holidays, days out, doing things for other people. When Lowly was around it was all about him. We had to tow the line behind him. We didnt have the chance to travel or do exciting things as we had to do as he said. Well........no more.We have some catching up to do.

 

Nob

[brock9911]

well hope you enjoy it...we od have a lot to offer interms of scenery, history isnt nearly as old as what you've seen, but interesting none the less. and texas is "everything is bigger in texas" state" and cattle rounding is quite enjoyable, and messy. just dont be discouraged by the declining economy...our past few presidents i think have had an I.Q. of 48...they havent led this country very well...

 

as for me i am looking foward to visiting Ireland in spring...i heard the cliffs and caves are amazing, and cant wait to go spelonking.

[GrayClouds]

.

 

. I am taking more time for them, I am taking more time for me I beleive this is going to help all our self esteem and happyness. If you think thats wrong? well thats ok. I dont.

 

Not wrong at all, I find it admirable, for in your own words the intent is about time and togetherness. It is about building and creating, a pursuit life sustaining values. If you said I just purchase a new Porsche 911 GT3 RS with my 401k to show the neighbors I do not give a damn the EX broke my heart, then I would question it.

 

My point was not that spending money is inherently wrong. If the money your spending is complimenting the process of healing then fantastic. Spending money on a gym membership-great, spending money on a new haircut-super, spending money to have quality time with those who matters ideal. Spending some bucks on a new bike to peruse a hobby and I am jealous. Even the occasional self gift is beneficial if it is to remind you of your own self worth. Use it to grow, gain personal insight, discover your what is important to you.

 

If it is just for a temporary high then it is spent as a distraction and becomes just another drug that keep people form dealing with their problems.

 

It is about intent. If it is about acknowledge self worth, pursuing self discover, investing it in the values that will endure and sustain a quality life.

Edited January 7, 2010 by GrayClouds

[nobmagnet]

I am humbled. I got the wrong end of the stick love:o:o:o:o

 

soz love Gray/grey......its grey here in blighty by the way!

 

You are right. My ex is buying a swanky loft appt. Showed me the details. Getting a sports car, showed me the details, getting a moped:lmao::lmao::lmao: I do declaire I held it in till then. I burst out laughing. Wet me pants a bit:confused:

 

 

his plans are material. MINE.............ahhhh the memories.:D:D

 

 

grey/gray clouds......my sinsere apologies for taking it the wrong way. See what you ment now:love::love: