Will he ever stop lying? ugh why?

[canhestop]

I'm dating a liar. That I am sure of.

 

Now it's everything else that has me questioning. I've been dating and living with my highschool sweetheart for a year now. We met in highschool, dated, broke up. I dated someone else for a while and my sweetheart fought for two years to win me back and finally did.

 

We were in heaven and I decided to move in with him. So after fighting for me for so long I dont understand why lie to me now when everything is perfect and mess things up?

 

It started small. These damn social networks. grrr After 8 months of dating ( jan-Aug) he leaves his myspace open and I couldn't help it I peeped. And he was writing to his ex gf " Hey you've been lost you don't answer my calls call me" I was so hurt. The message was from July so it was three months old but what happened after is what has me concerned. I confront him and he denies the whole thing, says Im crazy and that someone must have 'hacked' into his account and wrote to his ex to start problems between us. wow..I said are you kidding me? He denied it for a whole day sticking to that story. I slept at a friends and when I came home the next day I gave him one more chance to tell the truth and he lied again. So I started packing my stuff. He broke down and eventually told me the truth after lying for two days. Long story short I forgave him, said we had a clean slate and that was that.

 

A month later he leaves his yahoo open. I already dont trust him at this point so I peep again. ( I know Im guily too but I had to look ) I notice its a yahoo account that he used to email me from in HS. we met at 15 and are know 25. SO he has two yahoo accounts. I'm looking around and he has answers from women on craigslist. From personals. I check the sent box and he had written to three women telling them 'like your pics I can show you around town email me back for my pics' signed a different name than his.

 

So now i'm like craiglist? c'mon! So I confront him in the morning. He says im crazy again that he doesnt know what Im talking about. Goes to work calls me at 1 in the afternoon and says he remembers. That him and his guy friends were bored at work and they were all huddled around his computer and decided to go on craiglist to look at girls for innocent fun. One thing led to another and in typical guy fashion they all competed to write to girls and see who could get a response the fastest.

 

I didnt buy but since I have nowhere to go I just sucked it up and let it go. *(besides this he is the most romantic, attentive, sweetest, amazing boyfriend I have ever had in my life)

 

At this point I know Im crazed. I dont believe anything he says. I always had his current yahoo password but never used it. So I decided to one day and what do I find? and email sent to his co-worker of some chick with her "area" exposed and naked. THe subject just said pics. I confront him again and hje gets angry fo rme snooping and proceeds to tell me he loves me but I need to stop sccusing him. He says his friend who's married, was having an affair with the girl in the pictures who happens to work with the both of them. He said his friend works from his computer on certain days and saved them on his computer and then asked him to send it to him through his email so he could save them.

 

its like hes feeding me bs and more bs.

 

THing is hes always home, always with me on the weekends, never home late. Phone doesnt ring at night. Nothing suspicious yet my gut screams sketchy.

 

So all this leads to know. We got new phones and he wasnt receiving texts. So he asked me to call the provider up and help fix it. as Im in his phone talking to customer service i see a text from a girl asking "could she pass by his job for an oil change lol" ( he works at a dealer) i asked he said it was just a friend from school ( yet i just found out shes 20) so then day before yesterday he gives me his phone to see a pic and when i go send it to myself I see her name in his call log.

 

I go to work and check our phone bill on line and sure enough hes called the number a few times. I ask him and he swore that his mother died he hasn't spoken to her since the text message for oil change.

 

Im just so fed up with the lies. I dont think he could be doing anything wrong but I don't know whats going on? I dont know what to do. I have no where to move to because im school currently and working partime. My family lives out of town and dont really have friends. But I will leave if I have to.

 

It seems he has a perfect story and excuse for everything and I just dont know if i can ever really trust him? any help would be greatful. Even just some people to vent with. Im having a tough day

Edited January 7, 2010 by canhestop

[canhestop]

bump

[Lishy]

Well you know what you need to do

 

Yes he is lying and why shouldnt he? He gets away with it all day long so what reason would he have to stop?

 

Its your call now, what are you going to do?

[canhestop]

I want to believe him so bad

[Lishy]

So believe him!

 

Deep down the know the truth though.

 

You ahve 2 choices as he will never change so you either stay or go ... you need to weigh up how you feel and go with it

[Bejita463]

Deep down the know the truth though.

 

Is that truth that he is going to "work" on days that he isn't scheduled, only she doesn't know that? That would be my guess as to how these behaviors are played out when he seems to be at home when he should be every day.

[Lishy]

The thing with dealing with a liar is that you will never know and always doubt them

 

I would rather be around a theif than a liar at least you would know where you stand

[canhestop]

Bejita463 YOU'RE SO RIGHT.. He's been preparing me for this month saying he has to work this Sunday for 'inventory' at work and then next friday he has to stay late to do inventory.

 

Last year we were late to a party when we were just dating because he said he was doing inventory and that was in JULY. How many times a year is inventory done and do they make workers come in on a sunday to do it? Now im really upset.

[Bejita463]

Those are just the times you know of. I've been there and had that done to me, which is how I guessed it.

[canhestop]

EVerything i've found out has been on line or pictures ..nothing letting me know he's been physical or anything. I feel he hasn't cheated on me. BUt it makes me think not yet.

 

and if hes a liar..what future do I want with a liar..even if hes not cheating on me? this really hurts ..he's so amazing besides all of this. SO great with my family. My family adores him. It would be a shame ...

[canhestop]

Bejita463.. no your correct..then he went through an episode a month ago that he wanted to start the gym and came home late for like two weeks..then just stopped going?

 

said he was tired from work and didnt feel like going.

 

then when he was talking to a buddy of his joking around i heard him say 'just tell her your going to the gym" and started laughing. Ugh\

 

you just always want to believe he wont do it to me.

[Bejita463]

You know, there are guys out there who will treat you right and respect you. Guys who you'll never meet while you are still with this chump. You have better coming to you than this.

 

Just sayin'.

[canhestop]

I feel like telling him I will take him to work Sunday just springing it on him sunday morning to see if there really is inventory.. and pick him up but im wondering if its even worth my time?

[boogieboy]

I feel like telling him I will take him to work Sunday just springing it on him sunday morning to see if there really is inventory.. and pick him up but im wondering if its even worth my time?

 

No its not worth your time because you WANT to believe him.

 

Why should he ever stop lying and sneaking around when he knows he can get away with it?

 

thats just the way it is. He lies, you forgive him, you dont leave. Its a win win for him. He can never lose when he stays sweet to you, and he knows that will keep you there.

 

You mean to tell me you think he is the only one in the world that will be sweet and attentive to you?

 

Go find someone else...he has at least 2 or 3 backups anyway.

Edited January 7, 2010 by boogieboy

[canhestop]

just opened my lunch and there was a note fromhim saying I love you stop being dumb.

 

Ugh

 

Im so torn

[Bejita463]

You suspect him of disrespecting you via cheating, and his way of showing he does respect you is to outright say he thinks you are stupid. Directly in your face. Are you okay with that? Also, with him making jokes you know are at your expense?

 

You aren't being "dumb" and you know it. You just don't want to believe it.

[New_Life08]

I have been in your shoes...lies, excuses, and defensiveness. I think they honestly feel they are doing nothing wrong. These guys are usually the ones who would not put up with the same if you were doing it.

 

I am not sure what triggers the inappropriate behavior, but you need to take a stand and leave no question in his mind what will happen if you even suspect this behavior again. (Make sure you never threaten anything if you are not ready to follow through).

 

One of two things will happen, he will either straighten up his act... OR... he will just start hiding it better. that is okay too. You seem to have good radar, so hiding it better will do him no good.

 

Some people just need a kick in the pants to realize how this makes you feel. Sometimes there is a deeper issue of addiction, or some personality disorder. If he really goes as far as continuing this after you have threatened to leave; he needs counseling for his problem.

 

Checking out something sexy that a friend shows you, or something stumbled upon on the net is one thing. Seeking out past loves and dating sites while in a relationship says something else about his character.

 

I will tell you I have been through similar, and I know it is hard to go on gut instincts when your heart just wants everything to be alright. But, at some point we need to step outside of ourselves and look at it logically, and what you would tell a friend to do in your situation...then take your own advice.

[knowhowyoufeel]

I'm going through the same thing with the man I love - at this very moment in fact.

 

We both know he fabricates stuff and has always told little white lies. I know he has Momma issues and blah blah blah. He KNOWS that I know, and that I've accepted him and his love just the way it is. But he swears he'd never lie to me. (I know THEY ALL say that...)

 

Well before anyone else jumps on the band wagon and tells us to leave these guys, consider the following..

 

Not everyone in the world is content with the "little white picket fence" story - especially those people who opt for it. You know - traditional life: dating, beautiful wedding, 2 kids, jobs, kids college funds, growing apart cuz you don't talk and then - somewhere down the road after 50 years of numbed life, one of you goes postal from all the years of pretending - and it's on some innocent bystander at a grocery store. I'm not saying that isn't a good life for someone else, just not me. I am a person who's always lived a bit "outside the box" and I'm fully aware that I attract these very same people into my life.

 

But on to my theory. There are some people who - for whatever reason - MUST have a secret life. It has nothing to do with them not loving YOU, in fact, the person would probably be hard pressed to explain their logic in the first place so they lie about it. It has to do with validity issues of their own. They LIE to protect you because they DO love you. I know a lot of people will think that's crazy logic, but everyone is complex - our thoughts and feelings don't fit so smoothly into the neat little catagories society would have us believe they should.

 

Yes it hurts when you find things that point to something else. And yes, it's gets extremely tiring knowing if you bring it up all you'll get is one denial or fabricated story after another. No one said it's easy to love a liar - let alone one with a secret life.

 

And you say you love him and he treats you well - just like mine does - so the real question is - can YOU live this life with him?

Edited January 8, 2010 by knowhowyoufeel

[Quest]

 

And you say you love him and he treats you well - just like mine does - so the real question is - can YOU live this life with him?

 

I can't see how lying to and cheating on your girlfriend is treating her well. Sweet nothings are just that - nothing - in the broader scheme of things, nice though they might be to hear at the time.

 

But I agree that the OP has to decide whether she can live with someone who is basically your cliched womaniser - charming but unfaithful. Some women put up with the bad stuff because the charm has such a hold on them. Others wouldn't consider such a man for a moment. Some even try to put up with this stuff because they want the guy so much but find out they can't in the end.

[tigereyes1428]

he is lying and prob cheating - you get the treatment that you accept in life - your allowing him to do this - he is disrespecting you and causing you pain - love should not be that painful or doubtful - stop making excuses for him i personally woul dnot have got over the first lie about sending message to ex - the fact he looked you in the eye and denied it for two days tells you everything - perhaps this has run its course - yes it will hurt - yes it will be difficult but stay and you risk doing permanent damage to your own heart and mind - your self esteem will plummet - you will depend solely on him and he will never respect you again for accepting this rubbish- your young have no kids in the equation - get out and get the relationship you deserve..

[Woman In Blue]

I want to believe him so bad

That's certainly an option if you want to live in happy delusion for the rest of your life.

 

Considering the fact that you just keep accepting his pathetic, lame stories about people hacking into his MySpace account and "the guys at work all contacting Craig's List girls to see who'll get an answer first," he'll just continue to act like a pig. Oh yeah, and he'll continue to tell you how "crazy" you are whenever you catch him at his sleazy little activities (which are constant - I'm sure there's plenty you HAVEN'T caught him at). What a complete jerkoff.

 

There are no consequences for his bad behavior and the utter disrespect he continually shows to you, so why should he stop?

 

He's in the sleazy car business - there's PLENTY of opportunity for him to meet up with women during the day.

[phineas]

just opened my lunch and there was a note fromhim saying I love you stop being dumb.

 

Ugh

 

Im so torn

 

I got a valentines card from my "loving wife" on valentines day.

She was too tired for sex though & at the last minute changed our private dinner to a group thing with friends.

 

2 days later I found a picture of her "just a friend" on her phone. He was clearly in a hotel room.

It was sent to her shortly before her lunch on valentines day.

On that same day during her lunch break she used an ATM at a hotel near her work.

Who the hell goes into a hotel lobby to use an ATM when there are drive-trus everywhere.

 

Guess what, I wanted to believe her so bad I took whatever excuse she gave also.

 

now, to everyone else it was obvious what was going on.

Even to me. but i didn't want to believe it.

 

She has been lying & cheating for 3 out of 4 yrs of our marriage.

I am getting a divorce & my quality of life is so much better with her out of the house.

[knowhowyoufeel]

'Guess what, I wanted to believe her so bad I took whatever excuse she gave also' 'I want to believe him so bad' - The heart refuses to give up what it thought it saw, doesn't it?

 

 

First @Quest - you are right. This is not treatment that you or i would consider "loving" and what's more, you'll probably agree with me when I say that we wouldn't EVER treat anyone in this manner - not even the "liar" - to get him or her back. Charm does have something to do with the hold a person has another in some cases, as it seemed authentic to us.

 

@"Canhestop" - If you are anything like me you will probably agree that the times you've truly given your heart away are few - you have to really have connected to offer it in the first place. In my case - during this whole time that my situation has been happening - my heart keeps telling me the connection with this person HAD to be right and true, how could it be wrong? This is why I say that true love is complicated and not so easily labeled.

 

But another answer - the most comforting one of all: Whether i end up with this person I truly love, yes - TRULY love - or not - where I am now is where I'm supposed to be for a reason and a lesson. I have always learned something I've needed to know about myself from someone else (evenutally anyway:) as in my case the heart is stubborn). The conundrum is - every lesson leads to another faceted sublesson I didn't count on.

Edited January 8, 2010 by knowhowyoufeel

[New_Life08]

I'm going through the same thing with the man I love - at this very moment in fact.

 

We both know he fabricates stuff and has always told little white lies. I know he has Momma issues and blah blah blah. He KNOWS that I know, and that I've accepted him and his love just the way it is. But he swears he'd never lie to me. (I know THEY ALL say that...)

 

Well before anyone else jumps on the band wagon and tells us to leave these guys, consider the following..

 

Not everyone in the world is content with the "little white picket fence" story - especially those people who opt for it. You know - traditional life: dating, beautiful wedding, 2 kids, jobs, kids college funds, growing apart cuz you don't talk and then - somewhere down the road after 50 years of numbed life, one of you goes postal from all the years of pretending - and it's on some innocent bystander at a grocery store. I'm not saying that isn't a good life for someone else, just not me. I am a person who's always lived a bit "outside the box" and I'm fully aware that I attract these very same people into my life.

 

But on to my theory. There are some people who - for whatever reason - MUST have a secret life. It has nothing to do with them not loving YOU, in fact, the person would probably be hard pressed to explain their logic in the first place so they lie about it. It has to do with validity issues of their own. They LIE to protect you because they DO love you. I know a lot of people will think that's crazy logic, but everyone is complex - our thoughts and feelings don't fit so smoothly into the neat little catagories society would have us believe they should.

 

Yes it hurts when you find things that point to something else. And yes, it's gets extremely tiring knowing if you bring it up all you'll get is one denial or fabricated story after another. No one said it's easy to love a liar - let alone one with a secret life.

 

And you say you love him and he treats you well - just like mine does - so the real question is - can YOU live this life with him?

 

I agree with what you say in general...that you can't change people. But are you saying that it is okay to settle...sometimes? Maybe what you mean is if a person has the strength to put up with deceit and betrayal then it is okay, because nobody is perfect? I can't agree with that.

 

For starters partners do not lie to protect us. They lie to protect themselves. "I can't tell her, or all hell will break loose". Means, I know I am doing wrong and if she gets mad and leaves, the I will be alone, and I will be hurt. In cases where partners lie to save the relationship, is no more or less than wanting their cake and eat it too.

 

My theory is that some people are so jaded by today's society that they put no value on commitment. When you commit your love to one person, like it or not, there are sacrifices and boundaries that make a commitment what it is. When a person TRULY loves another they should have no desire to cross the boundaries. When they do this repeatedly, there is something unhealthy going on.

 

The only reason people stay with dysfunctional partners is because they are an enabler. In this case, there are deep issues on both ends.

 

No relationship is perfect and we have our share of struggles without all of the avoidable deception added to it. For people who want a double life, don't not seek out partnerships with people who do not share the same lifestyle. It's as simple as that.

[DiscoChick]

I would rather be around a thief than a liar at least you would know where you stand

 

I have always liked this quote because it is so true.

 

I am going to suggest somethings: call her and find his profile(s) on craiglist. That is, if you remember the chick's number and name he was using. I would also like to suggest that you make some new friends and try and build your self esteem. No one deserves to be tread upon like this.