LovelyDaze Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 I see so many threads about dumpees who break NC and contact the dumper or a person who asks how they can get their ex back through a this and that tactic. The way you can be sure that your ex wants you back for real is if THEY contact you first and not just contact you but honestly wants to work on themselves, the relationship and the issues that caused it. Seems like what dumpees want to do even when they didn't initiate the breakup. Often, we get back together with our ex because we miss each other.That is just not what works to sustain a healthy relationship. They need to miss you,think clearly AND truly want to work things out from scratch. Meantime, live your life as if they disappeared(most have). Go to school, work, whatever..just keep moving and don't wait by the phone for a single minute. Doesn't matter if you don't answer your cell, they'd e-mail you. Doesn't matter if you don't respond to your e-mail, they'd call you. Doesn't matter if you don't respond to cell or e-mail, they'd be at your door.If they really want you back...they WILL find a way. And always keep in mind that you don't want the same ex back. You don't want the same guy who didn't resolve his possessive ways or the girl who was prone to being unfaithful. You want a person who spent some time ALONE to think things over, not fresh off a rebound that didn't work out. Relationships are difficult enough when the two are committed and true to each other so just imagine when a breakup is involved. The fracture exists and it is up to both to spend some quality time with their own selves to assess what it is they want and need in a relationship. Settling should NEVER be an option just to say that you have someone to cuddle with at night. Dumpees deserve the same energy in wanting an ex who will dissect, analyze and prioritize the issues that broke up the relationship to make things right. That's what everyone should want when it comes to reconciliation. Someone who wants to do the hard work with you. Stay NC until your ex proves otherwise. No frivolous "checking in", broken promises, flirting, ex-sex, wasted time with crumbs they gave, just NC. A little voice will tell you that your ex is or isn't being sincere because you will feel it in your gut. Anytime my ex promised he'd leave his recent fiance' to work things out with me, I felt that voice telling me that something was just not right. And that little voice was correct. Sure, ALL of our exes have the potential to change...but do THEY want to? Link to post Share on other sites
bananaboat11 Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Thank you. You are strong. I need your power... Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Thank you. You are strong. I need your power... Superhero like... You should see her cape... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyDaze Posted January 7, 2010 Author Share Posted January 7, 2010 I adore you guys! Just trying not to have us all have a broken heart again from people that we know don't deserve it. If our exes can easily break our hearts once, they can do it again. Just means they have to work harder to get us back. No one loves a doormat. Link to post Share on other sites
ginyi1111 Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Thank you LD. Your words give the clarity of mind to try to stop dwelling if there would ever be a chance that he would come back to me. If there is a second chance for us when the breakup was so abrupt and that I couldnt believe he could have just stopped loving me just like that... I agree that if we ever get back with our ex, we shouldnt strive to have the old relationship back. Something must have changed in order to move forward, if not it would just have the same sad patheticc ending. Both parties would need to want it bad enough, and the dumper should prove they want it even more because they made the decision to let go in the first place. However im wondering if it is a matter of pride on why should always the dumper to make the first move for reconciliation and not the dumpee. Is it a way for us to salvage what little dignity that we have left after being dumped? Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Ok Dazy Duke, less about the Ex more about you. What are you going to do for fun tonight? What new and challenging thing are you planning for the weekend? Link to post Share on other sites
ditched Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 excellent post. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 No one loves a doormat. Maybe they do actually... http://www.whitepages.com/search/Replay?facebook_count=0&lower=2&more_info=1&search_id=30071320810069789984&search_type=findperson&site_id=10583&twitter_count=0 Link to post Share on other sites
bananaboat11 Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 I adore you guys! Just trying not to have us all have a broken heart again from people that we know don't deserve it. If our exes can easily break our hearts once, they can do it again. Just means they have to work harder to get us back. No one loves a doormat. This is why I love my signature's quote. "Beginning of the End" by Spineshank =) thank you LD! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyDaze Posted January 7, 2010 Author Share Posted January 7, 2010 Ok Dazy Duke, less about the Ex more about you. What are you going to do for fun tonight? What new and challenging thing are you planning for the weekend? Hey friend, Just work & DVDs with my best friend! Nice and quiet;) I love how I can smile and laugh honestly again! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyDaze Posted January 7, 2010 Author Share Posted January 7, 2010 Maybe they do actually... http://www.whitepages.com/search/Replay?facebook_count=0&lower=2&more_info=1&search_id=30071320810069789984&search_type=findperson&site_id=10583&twitter_count=0 Doormats exist alright! Poor person. LOL! WE should be glad that is not our name.Too easy to live up to , if you let it. Link to post Share on other sites
gaudi Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 I like this thread. It certainly puts a lot of things into perspective. My EX would have to go a LONNNNG way before I would begin to consider taking her back. Anyone ever actually heard/had experience of a DUMPER going through these kind of actions in order to get someone back, and then the DUMPEE actually accepts it ?? Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 I love how I can smile and laugh honestly again! Yes it use to scare us when you would smile and laugh dishonestly Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Yes it use to scare us when you would smile and laugh dishonestly Indeed, hearing her bellow ... 'mwahahaha.... mwaaaaahahahaha!!!' was creepy. Link to post Share on other sites
bananaboat11 Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 I honestly don't see my ex (dumper) going through those steps to get me back.. hm. Link to post Share on other sites
gaudi Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 I think LovelyDaze is letting us know (subliminally) that if you're still hoping for a reconciliation with a dumper, then they would need to go through the same motions a lot of dumpee's go through ie) NEVER GONNA HAPPEN !!! Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 I honestly don't see my ex (dumper) going through those steps to get me back.. hm. Just wait till you are over them... Thats when they do.... First Scene... Link to post Share on other sites
gaudi Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Just wait till you are over them... Thats when they do.... Yeah they may well reappear, come back, ask for another chance, but you reckon they go through all the begging and pleading if the dumpee's done that already ??? Link to post Share on other sites
myhearthurtsbadly Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 hahaha i read your post whilst listening to leona lewis better in time and suddenly had this feeling of complete empowerment over my ex and hope for the future, thankyou so much, i was having a bad one today! Link to post Share on other sites
bananaboat11 Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Just wait till you are over them... Thats when they do.... First Scene... HA. just my luck. Link to post Share on other sites
selena_cat Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Lovely Days you are the best-est! i will copy and paste your wise advice to my folders so i can read them always. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Pretty much! If they really loved you, if they really wanted to be with you -- THEY WOULD BE. They would not be dating someone else. PERIOD. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyDaze Posted January 8, 2010 Author Share Posted January 8, 2010 (edited) I like this thread. It certainly puts a lot of things into perspective. My EX would have to go a LONNNNG way before I would begin to consider taking her back. Anyone ever actually heard/had experience of a DUMPER going through these kind of actions in order to get someone back, and then the DUMPEE actually accepts it ?? Oh yes! My best friend's ex-husband. They met when they were 13 and were junior high/high school sweethearts. We ALL thought, "They are going to last forever." They split up at age 17 & had long term relationships well into their early 20s respectfully. They got back together at 25, married and then the crash happened. The husband cheated hardcore, eventually having a baby through one of his affairs, separated from her to party with those women,he was always verbally abusive and would stay out late until 5am. My best friend had to seek counseling and at age 28, HE divorced her! It was so painful to see her still wanting to make it work but she learned to go NC and just move on. Now, she is 32 and doing great as an asst.mgr of a clothing store, has her own home and lots of friends & family! She did take him back after he spent time alone and not dating. It was great for awhile but one of those times that they did reconcile, guess what??? He started to verbally abuse her again and started hanging out late...just like before. This time, SHE left and he is still trying to win her back! She NEVER answers the phone, never responds to his texts, and leaves his letters mostly unread. The ones she does read, he says he has changed and all but my friend says it is a road she doesn't want to travel again. She is currently dating and having fun hanging out with our group of girls, I admire her strength and will continue to do the same thing. Don't know if my ex will change and even if I will WANT to give him another chance. For my friend's ex-husband, it was too little-too late. You can give a person only so many chances that you just don't buy what they are selling anymore. Edited January 8, 2010 by LovelyDaze Link to post Share on other sites
4givrnt4gtr Posted January 8, 2010 Share Posted January 8, 2010 Funny, whenever I read stuff like this I go "yeaahhh!! thats right! THATS why im not going to contact him, THATS why if he wants me back he's gonna have to come and beg me back!!! ....and then i remember that it was me who dumped him.... ...and from his posts...he wants me to ask him to get back, as I was the one who ended things... But the thing is...I dumped him for a reason, and if i were to ask him back, it would never work. So....i wonder, how many dumpees feel like the dumper should be begging for a second chance, when the dumper feels like the dumpee needs to get his/her ish together, recognize their wrong doings and put the work that a healthy relationship needs??? hm....i suppose i would never know... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 8, 2010 Share Posted January 8, 2010 Doesn't matter if you don't answer your cell, they'd e-mail you. Doesn't matter if you don't respond to your e-mail, they'd call you. Doesn't matter if you don't respond to cell or e-mail, they'd be at your door.If they really want you back...they WILL find a way. Ain't that the truth, as they say here. It took a long while to get that through my thick head earlier this year when going through being dumped. I would justify contacting him with 'what if he likes me and I stop contact and he takes that as a sign that I don't like him?' without once telling myself that if he liked me and wanted to be with me, he'd be the one making that happen, not me. Link to post Share on other sites
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