midlifecrisis Posted December 25, 2003 Share Posted December 25, 2003 Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays everyone! I've gotten the best Christmas present ever.... a newly blossoming relationship with a gorgeous woman that has a wonderful (and wonderfully compatible) personality! I've posted before about how we met, etc.... and I'm happy to say that things are continuing to work out wonderfully for us. Our first two non-coffee dates, were the two nights before Christmas eve. The first night, she invited me for drinks after work at her house. It was really nice because I saw her in her own element, in "around the house sweats" just hanging and talking on her couch. Very platonic until we gave each-other a good-night "peck". I felt sparks, so I just asked... "can I have another one of those?" I'll spare the detailed description, but lets just say "wow" for how the kissing went after that! ;^) Her kids were going to be with her Christmas eve, and the following week, so we talked ourselves into another date before they arrived, since it will be nearly a week before we can meet again... (we both believe in being very discrete around our children until we are sure something is there). We went out to dinner. It felt so natural, comfortable, and wonderful. I had told her I was embarrased to show her my place... a small studio apartment, because it makes me feel inadequate (being that I'm 40).... even though I'm actually well off -- but sending all the $$$ to my ex and our kids. She said she'd like to see it -- I believe because you can tell a lot about what a person is like by seeing where they live. After hemming and hawing, I agreed to show her. To my relief, she thought it was cute! Now... the kissing we had the last night was just too good to not do over again, so thats where things progressed to quickly. This time, however, (although both of us kept our clothes on), things got extremely intimate. It was much different than just making out and taking her home though. We would pause for lengthy amounts of time just to talk -- we really connected. After about 4 hours of that, it was late, and I offered her a "grope free zone" on my bed if she wanted to stay and sleep, but she opted to go home because she needed to get up early. I'm finally to my question..... she wrote me a very nice note saying what a wonderful time she had and just how comfortable I made her feel. Her last quote: "Here's to a great start at friendship -- the first and most important step!" This made me think.... perhaps too much, but I'm wondering if I should purposefully slow things down a bit to make sure that we are well grounded? I've made the "sex before compatibility was established" mistake before. Hey -- I'm a guy -- but she's very special to me, and I don't want to blow the opportunity to make this the best relationship I possibly can. How sensible is it to purposefully be platonic -- does that really work better in the long run? Thanks in advance for your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 25, 2003 Share Posted December 25, 2003 How sensible is it to purposefully be platonic -- does that really work better in the long run? In the abstract, not necessarily. If she wants to go slow then, by all means, go slow. On the other hand, if you're both ready, go for it. You're not fragile , immature 16 year old kids. Good luck, and have fun! Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted December 25, 2003 Author Share Posted December 25, 2003 Thanks for your reply Bark -- but I remembered a situation that happened to me about a year ago -- where we mutually discovered not too long after having sex that we weren't going to be compatible in the long run. Although the split was painful for me, it appeared to be traumatic for her -- and I think that the intimacy played a large factor. She would say things like "I'm never going to do THAT again!" I HATE being the cause of anyone's pain... but I suppose you are right... at my age, we know what we are getting in to... so "batten the hatches and full speed ahead?" ;^) Link to post Share on other sites
AllyKat Posted December 25, 2003 Share Posted December 25, 2003 Well, I must say you are off to a great start with this woman!! She is right, friends first is a good way to go. Sometimes, I have had sex just ruin a relationship, because there was no foundation to hold it when the sex was over. If you are worried, talk to her, she sounds like a good person. You need to communicate in order to advance your relationship. I dont think you have anything to worry about! Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 Nature, that dear little trickster, has set us up. Having sex can set off chemicals which cause bonding. They seem to be stronger in women than men (figures ). IMHO, the reasons for abstaining from sex before marriage or at least for some time in a relationship are that to do otherwise opens one to falling prey to one's biology. It's a horrible pain in the patootie but that's the way it is. Friends is safest for these reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted December 26, 2003 Author Share Posted December 26, 2003 Thanks AllyKat for the insight -- and words of encouragement! Moimeme, you are so right! In my case, a quick trip to my urologist a few years ago has taken care of any biological prey-falling issues. I have two lovely kids and don't feel I have the time to raise any more. I just talked to an old friend of mine, a woman, who told me that her approach was to get the sex over with early -- 'cause otherwise there was no reason to continue! Now there's an interesting approach! ;^) I guess my approach for now will be to just communicate with her openly and honestly, then let her set the pace.... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 In my case, a quick trip to my urologist a few years ago has taken care of any biological prey-falling issues We're talking alligator-brain issues here. You could cut off all the equipment but the imperative/bonding chemistry is still intact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted December 26, 2003 Author Share Posted December 26, 2003 LOL -- I guess I am now demonstrating my aligator brain! So, the general theme is: protect yourself from falling into a relationship without substance by holding off for a while..... good advice, but you are right, how frustrating! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 how frustrating You got that right. Particularly when you're all grown up and having sex isn't some big major deal. However it pains me, I've decided to treat sex like crack cocaine - beware of its potentially fatal lure Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 I'd say that she is being protective of herself. What would you think she would say? "let's do IT right now!!" Seems like you are going great, she sounds nice or you'd be already intimate. I'm the same way, but, when a woman puts up her boundaries, like she did, you must respect them otherwise you could be heading for failure with her. If you can be patient and "getting laid" isn't all you are after...congratulations! sounds like the start of something reat! Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted December 26, 2003 Author Share Posted December 26, 2003 Now that I have thought about it more -- I think you are right -- she is trying to protect herself by not getting into all the complications of a sexual relationship too early. As we've established here, this is a darn good (but frustrating) idea! However, I also feel the need to keep letting her know that my interests go farther than friendship. I've also fallen into the friendship-trap years-ago, only to find out much later that she was really interested, but I didn't make any moves! Finding that subtle balance will be key I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 I've also fallen into the friendship-trap years-ago, only to find out much later that she was really interested, but I didn't make any moves! Finding that subtle balance will be key I suppose. Ah, the joys of mind-reading! Too bad we didn't all have a strip someplace that changed colour depending on what level of interest we had. Would make things a hell of a lot easier! Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme Ah, the joys of mind-reading! Too bad we didn't all have a strip someplace that changed colour depending on what level of interest we had. Would make things a hell of a lot easier! I believe you are definitely on to something here...perhaps I should get my mood ring out of the jewelry box and dust it off... Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 However it pains me, I've decided to treat sex like crack cocaine - beware of its potentially fatal lure LOL. That's hilarious. I think everyone is right here, about taking things slow. I don't think it matters what age you are at - if you are looking for a relationship, it is usually best to establish the friendship. And I think your woman couldn't be more right when she said that it's the most important step. I really think she is protecting yourself and I'm glad that you're respecting that! I do believe that if you are intimate early on, it could work too, because your friendship could be developing as quickly as the intimacy. But this is rare since friendship usually takes a while to establish. In any case, try to think with the head on your shoulders and you should be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midlifecrisis Posted December 27, 2003 Author Share Posted December 27, 2003 Thanks again everyone for your responses. Guidette -- you are right -- I am spending WAY too much time thinking about this. I'm going to stop thinking about it now and just let her set the pace! Link to post Share on other sites
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