Is it over?

[G-O]

Let's cut to the chase. I have been with my wife for 17 years. She is 35 I'm 43. Around Thanksgiving she told me she loves me but isn't in love with me whatever the hell that means. We talk about things and try to work it out. Monday the 4th she is acting wierd and we start talking and she says she feels that at this point in her life she doesn't want to be married to me. I say fine and move out. Not going into detail but we both admit that we haven't been nice to each other. The day after I move out she calls me yelling about the thousand bucks I have on me and how she needs money to pay bills and how I'm going to screw her and the boys over. I never would never do that. So I put the money in the joint acct. I go to get my paycheck today and she calls me yelling about money again. She tells me she needs space and time to think. She calls me at least three times a day. I tell her i love her and miss her and then she says I'm smothering her. I really don't get it but I don't want to throw our marriage away. I haven't seen her since monday and we're supposed to see each other and talk things over on Sunday. I'm going to tell her that if I'm gone my money comes with me and my obligations to her have changed and she has to deal with that part of it as well. It hurts that we aren't together and she knows how I feel about us getting a divorce. I'm so confused as to what to do it's unreal. Any tips and advice would be greatly appreciated. Haters and mean people need not respond.

[Gunny376]

Haters? Mean people? There's no such thing here for the most part. After all this is LoveShack, with an emphasis on Love. Oh there's the occasional poster that comes along that might make such comments ~ but they're not around for very long.

 

Now you may find some here at Loveshack ~ such a I ~ that will offer up some tough love. And it may be a little painful to hear ~ or even what you don't want to hear.

 

Its been most of our general experience that when you have the spouse telling you "I need some time and space" ~ "I Love you, but I'm not in love with you" or "I'm not happy" the reason is that there's someone else, or at least that there's someone else they've become emotionally attached to. Or at the very least has in mind.

 

For most men anyway the way this thing works is that you've gotten too involved in your own thing. It might be hunting, bowling, golfing, your hobbies, even work.

 

At any rate you've become involved and have invested way too much time, effort and energy into whatever it is. (Mine btw was trying to earn a living, provide for my family, trying to survive twenty years in the Marine Corps, yada-yada) and not enough time investing time, effort and energy in your marriage ~ your spouse.

 

Soooooooooooooo, they get to looking around and find someone else. Its there own insecurities that make them do it. Maybe you became complacent and didn't compliment her enough or often enough. You quit romancing her ~ doing the things that it took to get her ~ which are the same things that it takes to keep her. You've got to date your mate ~ Mate!

 

The problem is? When your up to your @zz in alligators, snakes and Indians, you tend to forget that your initial objective when you first started out was to drain the swamp.

 

That an most of just didn't have the prerequisite knowledge, experience and skill set to pull it off to begin with.

 

Which is "news you could of used" when you first set out back in the day, and isn't worth a damn here and now.

 

The first thing you need to do is adjust your perspective. More than likely than not there's another man (or woman) in the picture that at the very least she's making an emotional investment in, because she sure as Hell isn't making it in you!

 

Look at it this way? What was? Was! What is? Is! And what will be will be!

 

Don't focus on the past ~ that's done, did, and over with. You could've, should've and would've ~ but you didn't so there's no need going back over old ground and sitting around digging up bones. If your like most of us? You did and gave the best you had at the time.

 

With that adjust your attitude about yourself, your Life, and your situation.

 

If crying, begging and imploring couldn't make her stay? It sure as Hell won't make her come back.

 

There's a such a thing as psychological projection, in which how we view ourselves, our world, our life ~ determines how people treat us, react to us and interact with us.

 

If you walk around mad, depressed, carrying the weight of the whole world on your shoulders ~ guess how many people are going to want to interact with you, be with you, hang out with you? Zilch, nadda, none.

 

So you need to put on your happy face as though you have a care in the world. Fake it until you make it.

 

Any phone calls you may get from her ~ don't jump to answer them. The phone is there for your convience ~ not her nor anyone elses. If and when you do answer and she gets rude and crude, you do the same thing as you would with any such person. You hang up.

 

You don't let her get into "your kitchen" which is to say that you don't react to her reactions, words nor deeds.

 

You control your emotions ~ not her.

 

You set down and identify your weaknesses and seek self improvement daily.

 

You control your emotions, not her.

 

Most people are about as happy as they make their minds to be. Your going to have to make that decision daily. Your the one (and always have been) responsible for your happiness and contentment in life ~ not someone else.

 

People come and people go throughout your life. "There's no one monkey that makes a show!"

 

The financial aspect can be kind of tricky. As a general rule of thumb you owe her financial support about 12.5% of your net income per child. Past that? Her credit cards, bills in her name etc are her problem.

 

The tricky part is "Joint Accounts" ~ just go ahead and assume that they're your accounts for the time being, the important part being that you keep the them current and the minimums are at least paid.

 

Meanwhile go ahead and pay the $8.50 per credit reporting agency (there are three major ones) to get a copy of your credit reports, (Since its a new year, your entitled by federal law to a once a year free one from each one) and go ahead and pay the extra bucks to find out what your FICO (Credit Score) is.

 

Just to make sure you don't have any "Joint Accounts" (Wives are well know for forging their husbands signature on credit applications to open credit accounts their husband know nothing about)

[imagine]

There are a couple of plans that will be recommended. All of them require you not to talk about relationships. Do not say I love you.

 

Make yourself look good and make the house look tidy. Socialize. Join a club or gym. Let her fall in love with the old you!

 

Find out what her emotion needs are and meet them - This is the Plan A program and the one which I prefer. Read the Marriage Builders articles and give us a shout.

[G-O]

Thanks for the replys. I really don't think she has cheated on me. We just weren't getting along. I'm going to lay it all out on the table to her on Sunday. I've been reading some of the posts and I agree with some of it and disagree on other parts. The hurt of the initial seperation is about gone. I can just shut stuff off inside of me and not dwell on it. I'm just a little confused on setting a time table. I'm not wanting to meet someone new but I also not going to sit around and wait forever. I'm going to read some more things on this sight and make more decisions for myself. The hater's and mean people statement comes from other forums I belong to with people that are just plain negative. Don't have time to deal with those type of people. Thanks again for the replys hope we can help each other through the mess that seperation and divorce brings upon us.

[seibert253]

I suggest you move back into your home, for many reasons:

1. You say you're sure she's not seeing someone else. Are you ABSOLUTELY 100% on this one? Research all the guys on this forum who got the ILYBINILWY speech. MANY said the same as you, they were sure no one else was lurking in the wings. Guess what, they were wrong. Being away prevents you from investigating to either prove or disprove this notion.

2. You have as much right to the home as she. If she's the one who wants "space", then she can seek it. She can move out.

3. In many states, she can file for abandonment if you leave the home. If it gets nasty, she can and will claim you abandoned the family, even though it was her idea in the beginning.

 

You can still give her space, even while residing in your home. Read up on the 180 and start now. But, I can't suggest enough, you need to move back home.

[G-O]

seibert253,

 

My two teenage boys are home with her. I go to the house daily when she is working and hang out with my kids. I truly don't think she has cheated on me. I know most people on here have had that happened but my wife and I haven't been getting along for awhile and it has come to this. Besides that the truth will come out in the end as they say and I'll just have to deal with it. Sundays big talk is my next hurdle. After reading what some have had to say I think the no contact thing is a good idea. I'm putting together a list of things she and I need to discuss. This will probably be one of the hardest days of my life telling the woman I love that I don't want to talk or see her for a week. I've already not seen her in almost a week. The no more saying I love you will be put into effect and I'm done doing things around the house for her. I stopped myself today. I folded the boys laundry and started to do the dishes and said to myself I need to take in some of the advice of gunney and leave it for her. Thanks for reading. It is helping me deal with my anxiety alot.

[Gunny376]

Ever since I've first went through divorce I've been studying it. That along with divorce, seperation, relationships, romance, seduction, etc.

 

The culmination seems to be between Divorcebusting and Homer McDowel.

 

Interset "The Game" and other "Dating Gurus" methods"

 

The answer seems to be in being your own person, independent.

 

That combined with many years of being on LoveShack?

 

Let her go! Be yourself!

 

Live your life for yourself!

 

She walks out the door just let her know that once she does? There's no coming back ever!

[angeleyes63]

divorce doesnt come with handbook with answers, you can still live in the home and still give her space. you go to your job do the normal things you do.. go out for a walk,long ride to get your mind straight is this marriage worth saving? you need to have a pow wow with your wife let her know how your feeling and where do we go from here? if she has made her mind up then it is time to walk away. now you didnt say if she worked or not so she must have money for some bills. but were you paying all the bills in the home? you can tell her I will take care of the most important bills rent,electric depending on the situation. you dont want her to say you up and left her high and dry. yes it hurts I am going thru the same thing so its hard for me also.

[G-O]

angeleyes, gunny thanks for talking with me. She works but I make like three times as much as she. Her work hours and mine are different which allows me access to the house and kids while she's gone to work. I have hurt her with words and have been not the nicest person. She also has been mean and vindictive. I'll be seeing her for the first time in five days. This is going to be one of the hardest things I've done since losing my brother when I was 13. I've made myself a list of things we must take care of right off the rip. Us: Is it over or our we going to work through this. Kids: I'll see them like I do now and take them every other weekend till we go to court if it goes that far. Money: I'll give you X amount till we go to court and a judge sets the amount. House: Refi and buy one of us out or what ever. Have other things written down because I know it will be an emotionally charge meeting. I have already started the no I love you but what do I do when she says it to me? Some may not agree with some of this but I'm not going to just yank the carpet from under her and see her and my children struggle. I come from a single parent home and money was always an issue. My kids will not go through that crap.As far as leaving the house it was my idea and I can't stand to be there looking at the woman I love and she looks at me as if we're a mile apart. Thanks for letting me rant. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

[whichwayisup]

Doesn't matter, move back in the house. Sleep in a different room if need be, but get back in there.

 

Sorry you are going through this..But, for your kids sake, don't give up yet. Try marriage counselling, and if she won't go, you go..If anything for your own sanity and to help you cope better..

[G-O]

Why should I move back in? She said at this point in her life she doesn't want to be married to me. So I'm giving her that. I haven't given up yet but I can't make her want me in her life. I want to set up ground rules as to where she and I stand and what is expected from one another.

[Gunny376]

Your probably t'ain't going to like this post ~ but I'm giving you the benefit of both formal and informal education ~ and many a book I've read on the subject of marriage, relationships, men & women etc.

 

At 35 your wife is at her sexual peak. She's lost dazed and confused and is probably is tempted by any and everything male. Male pheromones along are probably driving her NUTS! And they are everywhere she goes. WalMart, the gas station, the convience store.

 

You would have to read up on the subject of the affect of hormones on women, (just their menstrual cycles, pregnancy ~ let alone menopause)

 

Damn few if any men have read up on the subject, or ever do. Women's hormones play Hell and havoc on them.

 

The nerve endings in a woman's vagina aren't fully developed until their mid thirties. In history's past this wasn't so much a problem as most women were dead by then.

 

You might want to read a book titled "Brain Sex" for a better understanding.

 

The hormonal influence that a woman goes through with just a menstrual cycle, let alone pregnancy, let alone menopause is un-real!

[G-O]

Gunny

 

It didn't bother me as to what you said. I know she's all hormonal and the like at her age. She has always had low selfesteem and issues with her mother, weight and thinks she's ugly. She calls me on the phone alot and I try not to talk about our relationship and keep everthing on a positive level. From previous breakups with girlfriends I have the mindset of you don't want to be with me so I can't question you as to where are you where have you been so on and so forth. She was supposed to call me back but hasn't it bothers me somewhat but I can't put all these thoughts in my head as to why she didn't. I just have to man up and push on. I have about eight hours before I see her. Got me some sleep but as you all know from dealing with this you don't really sleep well. Will let you know how it all goes then. Gonna lay back down and get myself prepared for this next phase of the transition. I'm wanting to put this divorce on the fast track if that's what is going to happen. When I was thinking of the things I wanted to say to her my knees where knocking from the anxiety of telling these things to the woman I love. Really want to get this over with as fast as I can.

[JaneDoe35]

G-O - just wanted to say good luck for the meeting with your wife. I know from experience that if you can, it is best not to become emotional in your conversation with her. I know that it is easier said than done. But if you can remain grounded and calm you will not feel as if you have lost all your power.

 

I have had a few 'meetings' with my husband and I often told him that I loved him and wanted him to return. As soon as I allowed myself to get emotional it was all downhill and I would take days to recover from a 30 min chat.

 

I was scared that if I didn't tell him I wanted him to come back that he would think I was ok and then forget about me. It isn't the case - when you back off they come forward. You still may not end up saving your marriage but you will come out slightly less damaged psychologically.

 

It is beyond horrible to have to confront this sort of meeting. Do the best you can and don't let her bully you into agreeing to just anything so you can just have things done. Take notes and tell her you will be in touch after seeking legal advice.

 

JD

[G-O]

Janedoe35,

 

Thanks for the support. The time stamp on my post's is wrong I never set up my profile or anything yet. Just wanted to jump right in and start the process. It's 7:20 am here and I have showered shaved and all that good stuff. Going to go and have myself some breakfast and get my mind in the right place so I can deal with this. Hope all goes smoothly. Wish me luck fellow loveschackers.

[hopesndreams]

Women, too, get it from their husbands. The ILYBNILWY speech. It's carefully crafted, so they think and they all got it from the same book. Did she tell you this with no emotion? Chances are, she did. This means they have checked out.

 

There is a 99.999% chance she is fooling around or has someone in mind to fool around with.

 

Even a loving, nice spouse gets too engrossed in other things, when life throws them hardballs and they are busy and not being attentive enough to their SO, the weak spouse, the needy spouse gets hurt and thinks you no longer love them and because of this, they start detaching from you and seek someone else to give them the attention they crave. Instead of being supportive and riding out the storm, they take the easy way out and bail.

 

Do move back into your home. She wants out of the M, she needs to be the one to leave.

 

Do investigate and find out the truth because without it, the M is doomed. You need to know who the enemy is before you can fight it, or to then know if it is even worth fighting for.

[yunkie_girl]

your journey of love will show you how deep is your love and how deep is your wife love..

 

i know you were confused, but don't put your confused mind at the biggest area at your soul.. put love at the biggest of your soul..

whatever mistake of your wife, try to forgive her and let the love be with you and your wife..

 

remember, you must do the right things with love to save your marriage..

 

best regards,

 

http://www.howtotalktogirls.org

[G-O]

Didn't even get the chance to talk to her. She called when I was making my way to the house. Started fighting with me right off the rip. So confused. I was shaking uncontrollably. My nerves are shot. All I wanted to do was lay down some guidelines so we could both work on this. It seems as if she doesn't want to. Had to log on and vent. She changed the time on me to 3 oclock. It's 10:45 here. Four hours to sit here and drive myself a little more crazy till I get this off my chest. Stay tuned for the play by play.

[hopesndreams]

Pack your bags and go to your house. Walk through the door and say, "Honey, I'm home!"

 

That would shake her world. It also puts you in control.

[hopesndreams]

I suggest you move back into your home, for many reasons:

1. You say you're sure she's not seeing someone else. Are you ABSOLUTELY 100% on this one? Research all the guys on this forum who got the ILYBINILWY speech. MANY said the same as you, they were sure no one else was lurking in the wings. Guess what, they were wrong. Being away prevents you from investigating to either prove or disprove this notion.

2. You have as much right to the home as she. If she's the one who wants "space", then she can seek it. She can move out.

3. In many states, she can file for abandonment if you leave the home. If it gets nasty, she can and will claim you abandoned the family, even though it was her idea in the beginning.

 

You can still give her space, even while residing in your home. Read up on the 180 and start now. But, I can't suggest enough, you need to move back home.

 

Your best and only option. Sitting around and fretting will get you nowhere and fast.

[G-O]

Things aren't going well. She is upset with me and doesn't want to talk till 3 o'clock. Have three hours to kill before the big talk. Not expecting to get everything done one day but hopefully we can work out some preliminary things so she can have less on her mind as well as I. Shaking like crazy. I know all of this isn't going to be easy but atleast we can get the first meeting done and overwith. I want to get it over so I can come back to my sisters and cry. Pretty much I'm letting her go today. Starting the no contact thing for a month and then meet again and take it from there. Feeling better after venting here. Stay tuned for an update.

[WonderingWhy]

Do not talk about boundries etc. I know that will be hard. That is what I did in the beggining and it didn't work. Agree with her that the relationship is over. Realize that you will be fine, and that you are moving on. She needs to be the one to initiate those conversations. But you should definately move home. This will be better in the end for you and the kids. Just do not even talk to her when you are together, but definately move back home. Oh and definately keep posting, it does help alot.

[G-O]

Well fellow loveshackers the meeting went better than I thought it would. She and I had a very long talk about everything I had written down. Some of it made her cry so hard it scared me. Ok I'm getting tired of saying this so here it is for last time. NO OTHER MAN!!!! I didn't treat her like I should have and said mean things to her. I never new words could hurt so much. I have hurt her so many times that she shut herself off emotionally to me. Made me feel like crap. She said hitting her would have been easier to take. She loves me I love her but she is afraid to open herself up to me and get hurt again. She and I will see each other again in a month after no contact. She is hurt and scared and I understand that. I'm glad there is no other man because I could never get past that I would go straight to the lawyer and file.

[G-O]

She has called me twice already after we agreed to no contact for a month. Don't get it.

[floridapad]

Don't get it?

 

She doesn't get it herself. Slow down. You have a little control here.

 

I'm going to be honest with you. You are panicking. This process is not a moment by moment thing...but if you act that way you will surely f@&ck it up.

 

Think Clint Eastwood, think whoever your role model is, but don't get too excited. Or at least don't act like it in front of her. Take it easy