Used up and fed up

[Brooke79]

Okay I have browsed for a while and I am finally going to post my story for some advice from the guys. I am 7 months pregnant and am married with 2 kids already. We have been together since 2003. We had our first two before we got married, but were married shortly after the 2nd. Any how of course I am posting here because our relationship is in the toilet right now. I initiated the talk of divorce and he has not put up a fight at all. We actually went to go and get it done before we knew the actual process but if we could have we would have divorced one another last month. I am on and off the fence on my decision of course (hello being pregnant I get emotional) okay I get down right angry because I feel like I value spending time with him and to me he does not. Just the latest big spat we had was spending New Years Eve together. My family planned a get together and I planned to go and asked him to join me, he had no intention of going (mind you we didn't spend Christmas or Thanksgiving together because I worked), but I thought for sure since I was off New Year's we would do that together but no, it wasn't in his plans. I don't know when was the last time we kissed or hugged one another(oh well when we have company around and one of us is leaving he will ask for a kiss) of course that's not genuine because it is just for show. We do have sex maybe once every two weeks and not because I am unwilling (even though I am pregnant I am not at the point where I don't want to) I read on here and so many men are complaining about their wives and I see how much they are into them and want to be with them and are saddened at the prospect of divorce and then I have my husband who could care less about talking to me, kissing me, hugging me and sometimes making love to me. Just from seeing what you all type and wish I know if he had any true feelings for me it would bother him not to be affectionate and not to talk and have sex, but instead he walks around and doesn't care gets annoyed when I try to call him and talk and treats me as if I am nobody. I am smart enough to know better than that, even though I am pregnant I maintain myself I refuse to let myself go and I get compliments about how cute I look pregnant (from everyone else besides him, I have even gotten hit on--crazy I know) so I don't think it's physical, I think he has just lost his feelings for me and I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about that. I would love to have a long marriage that lasts until death, but I am so undervalued and unappreciated (I cook, clean, do laundry, take care of the kids and work with no help from him except with the kids) I guess I just want some feedback from guys just to see the words written from a guys perspective just to nail it in. If someone doesn't love you or value you, you can stay in it just for the sake of longevity or you can cut your losses and start the process of moving on with the hope of finding someone ( a long time from now) that loves me and appreciates me for the woman I am. And I plan to do the latter, of course things are so complicated with me being pregnant, us sharing a home and all of that and kids but at least I am not in denial and thinking that things have a chance with us, still looking for feedback from the men on board though, thanks in advance guys.

[tojaz]

First a question, have you asked him outright what he is feeling and where his ambivilance comes from???

 

Being a guy, let me tell you.......were DUMB! WE don't always pick up on the clues you ladies put out and sometimes just need to be smacked upside the head with a 2X4.

 

That being said, I cant imagine any way that having a spouse ask for a divorce wouldn't destroy me. It did and has continued to for quite awhile and will be quite a while longer until the effects fade. Everyone deserves to be loved and to be loved the way they need to be. If he is unwilling or unable to give that to you, there is little you can do. If he is willing to try, there is a lot that can be learned through MC or just simple open communication.

 

So to answer your question, as much as i hate divorce and it hurt me, everyone deserves to be valued and loved in their relationship. If that is not present and you continue your marriage just to keep up appearances or for longevity, you will never be happy in it. If you love him and want to put it back thats a different story but only you know the answer.

 

Welcome to LS and keep posting

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

First a question, have you asked him outright what he is feeling and where his ambivilance comes from???

 

Being a guy, let me tell you.......were DUMB! WE don't always pick up on the clues you ladies put out and sometimes just need to be smacked upside the head with a 2X4.

 

That being said, I cant imagine any way that having a spouse ask for a divorce wouldn't destroy me. It did and has continued to for quite awhile and will be quite a while longer until the effects fade. Everyone deserves to be loved and to be loved the way they need to be. If he is unwilling or unable to give that to you, there is little you can do. If he is willing to try, there is a lot that can be learned through MC or just simple open communication.

 

So to answer your question, as much as i hate divorce and it hurt me, everyone deserves to be valued and loved in their relationship. If that is not present and you continue your marriage just to keep up appearances or for longevity, you will never be happy in it. If you love him and want to put it back thats a different story but only you know the answer.

 

Welcome to LS and keep posting

TOJAZ

 

Wait a minute!

 

Since when did you become the Teacher and I the student?

Edited January 8, 2010 by Gunny376

[tojaz]

Wait a minute!

 

Since when did you become the Teacher and I the student?

 

Oh, I still have a lot to learn Guns, but I like using what I've picked up so far.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Maybe he's implimenting the 180? My advice is to talk to him, just ask him what he's feeling, say you would be willing to work it out but you need to know where he is, you have nothing to lose if you've already decided to go, but it sounds to me like you would like him to love you? So, you have everything to gain.

[Brooke79]

Thanks for the replies guys. I really find it hard to approach him again. I have expressed concern about the lack of affection thing and he treats me as if I'm a winer and I actually feel like one. I want to spend time with him and build together and it just doesn't feel like those are things he values and that's why I feel unvalued. There are so many ppl who would value the things I value without me having to encourage it only to be made to feel like a nag. Time and holidays should be a given if both ppl are available. He thinks us doing our own thing is better and I think isn't that what single\dating ppl do. I do my own thing sometime but not holidays. This is brand new by the way because last year it wasn't a problem

[tojaz]

So has anything else changed that may have spurred this on since last year? New job, new friends, the obvious....... Why do you think he has started acting like this. Clues, hints, smoke signals?

TOJAZ

[Brooke79]

Ok here is the story. Basically, we have been at one another's throats. It started last year. I learned that we had some huge differences on what we thought was acceptable. He went to a basketball game with a friend on a weeknight (meaning he had to work the next day and I was at work). So of course he went and around 12 midnight I gave him a callthinking he was on the way home since the game was over. When he answered he told me he was sleep. Sleep, so you are spending the night (the game was an houR and a half away). I started yelling. His reply was he was gonna take a nap for a couple of hours and get dressed in the morning before work! So excuse me if I hadn't called he would have spent the night away from home without me knowing. Again I was furious because aside from the fact that you thinl its ok to spend the night away from home on the fly (not very marriage-like to me) but if that had been busy for me at work and I couldn't call I wouldn't have known! Of course we argued about that intensely because apparently that should fly and I am insecure for not thinking so. So that was one blow up and then he tried to pull the same thing again, only this time it was at his moms after a party we were both at. And he waited until I left (we drove different cars) to say he was too drunk to drive. These two incidents were 2 months within each other and it is showing a pattern that I will never be ok with, unplanned sleepovers from home meaning you go out and I expect you home but you chose not to come home. And trust me I am not crazy enough to believe that the way I think is wrong, but he insisted otherwise and accuse $me of being controlling, crazy and insecure. If I trust him he should be able to spend the night away. I just don't think so. If you plan a weekend away that's fine, we both have friends out of town and we plan trips to visit them with and without each other, but that's planned, it makes a difference when its on the fly to me. Ok going forward, he is just trying to make me feel like my idea of marriage is wrong, he has also started saying that I don't live enough because I didn't want to go riding after a high school football game, hello I am thirty and pregnant why would I want to go and hang out after a high school game anybody doing so in my oppinion is lame and needs to grow up. But that is what he wants to do (that's what his older married brother does) and because I don't want I am old.(Mind you also I made us dinner and wanted to watch a movie at home). But anyway because I realoze I am making it too long, we are just at two different places and going totally different paces, I am thinking he feels trapped and is treating me so bad out of resentment or something.

[tojaz]

Ok, stay with me Brooke

Ok here is the story. Basically, we have been at one another's throats. It started last year. I learned that we had some huge differences on what we thought was acceptable. He went to a basketball game with a friend on a weeknight (meaning he had to work the next day and I was at work). So of course he went and around 12 midnight I gave him a callthinking he was on the way home since the game was over. When he answered he told me he was sleep. Sleep, so you are spending the night (the game was an houR and a half away). I started yelling. His reply was he was gonna take a nap for a couple of hours and get dressed in the morning before work! So excuse me if I hadn't called he would have spent the night away from home without me knowing. Again I was furious because aside from the fact that you thinl its ok to spend the night away from home on the fly (not very marriage-like to me)<your view> That may be true, but might be acceptable for him. Marriage is what you make it. Not a definition in the dictionary. What is and is not acceptable to each of you needs to be discussed. Its alright for you not to want him to spend the night, and its alright for him to think its OK, somewhere in the middle is whats right for the marriage. but if that had been busy for me at work and I couldn't call I wouldn't have known! Of course we argued about that intensely because apparently that should fly and I am insecure for not thinking so<his view> Wheres the middle?>> "Brooke, I think I'm going to sleep here tonight, but I wanted to let you know so you wouldn't worry" So that was one blow up and then he tried to pull the same thing again, only this time it was at his moms after a party we were both at. And he waited until I left (we drove different cars) to say he was too drunk to drive. Very much the same incident. These two incidents were 2 months within each other and it is showing a pattern that I will never be ok with, unplanned sleepovers from home meaning you go out and I expect you home but you chose not to come home. And trust me I am not crazy enough to believe that the way I think is wrong, <your view> but he insisted otherwise and accuse $me of being controlling, crazy and insecure. If I trust him he should be able to spend the night away. <his view> I just don't think so. If you plan a weekend away that's fine, we both have friends out of town and we plan trips to visit them with and without each other, but that's planned, it makes a difference when its on the fly to me. Ok going forward, he is just trying to make me feel like my idea of marriage is wrong, <and your doing the same to him, your own words above> he has also started saying that I don't live enough because I didn't want to go riding after a high school football game, hello I am thirty and pregnant why would I want to go and hang out after a high school game You don't your husband does and would like you to join him. anybody doing so in my oppinion is lame and needs to grow up. But that is what he wants to do (that's what his older married brother does) and because I don't want I am old.(Mind you also I made us dinner and wanted to watch a movie at home). But anyway because I realoze I am making it too long, we are just at two different places and going totally different paces, I am thinking he feels trapped and is treating me so bad out of resentment or something.

Brooke, what i see here is two people failing to see each others side of the fence. You both will never agree on everything, that dosen't exist, but marriage is about sharing two seperate lives. That means you accept a little from him and he accepts a little from you. What those things are has to be decided between the both of you, but everybodies likes, dislikes, and viewpoints have to be valid and welcome. In doing that the both of you will define your own version of marriage.

TOJAZ

Edited January 12, 2010 by tojaz

[Brooke79]

Thanks for the feedback Tojaz, gosh you have such a sensible way of thinking. I couldn't be married to a guy like you, you would probably be right all the time . Although I am the initiator in my instance, I am still doing some self-reflection to try to figure my role and how I affect things. I know I am not perfect, so some inner reflection always helps. I know I have issues with ppl who attrinute selfish behavior as my H does, my mother was very selfish so I make extra effort not to be

[Brooke79]

Anyone heard of the saying good girl gone bad... Well that is what I will be if this doesn't work out. I read on here about guys who chase after women who don't appreciate them and its crazy that loving ppl get screwed

[Chrome Barracuda]

Brooke you should have never asked him for a divorce.

 

You should have plan a'd him.

 

The thing is he might just want to be away from all the nagging and fighting. Right now your all emotional, Because your pregnant I get that, but your pushing him away from your life with all the arguing anf nagging. Plan A him, and just give him love and space. Maybe he'll snap outta it and move towards you, but if he doesnt he may in fact go through with the divorce... but may return and want to reconsile.

 

But stop with the nagging, please. your driving him away...

[tojaz]

Thanks for the feedback Tojaz, gosh you have such a sensible way of thinking. I couldn't be married to a guy like you, you would probably be right all the time .

Funny, my ex wife said the same thing.:(

 

Although I am the initiator in my instance, I am still doing some self-reflection to try to figure my role and how I affect things. I know I am not perfect, so some inner reflection always helps. I know I have issues with ppl who attrinute selfish behavior as my H does, my mother was very selfish so I make extra effort not to be

Thats good to do some self reflection and wanting to know your part. I would also suggest some reading about relationship skills. Good for listening to his wants and more easily expressing yours. Google "The policy of joint agreement" some good links that I think would help in your situation.

TOJAZ

[FeelingLonely98]

Brooke - Welcome to LS. I am surprised no one else has said this. My gut feeling is that there may be someone else. The "on-the-fly" night(s) away, the not communicating to tell you where he will be, the distance he is pushing on the relationship, ... The drunk night at Moms, maybe he wasn't too drunk, maybe he met up with the OW. I hope I am wrong. Just too many similar stories that I read on LS where it usually is revealed that there is someone else. Have you done a little checking up on him? (cell phone records, email, ...)

 

I don't recall anyone else suggesting counseling for you two. At least find a counselor for you if he won't go. My M is over (uncontested D hearing next month) but I have been going since last Summer for ME. Maybe if he finds out you are trying to improve yourself (for the betterment of the M?) - maybe he'll want to join in. If you two don't like the first counselor find a second or third.

 

Keep posting here Brooke ...

 

Good Luck ... PEACE!

 

(P.S. Tojaz --> Gunny's compliment must have had you walking with a little more kick in your step that day!! lol) (I'm still in the student stage I suppose)

Edited January 15, 2010 by FeelingLonely98

[Brooke79]

Thanks guys, I guess I am a little naïve because I never thought that he had OW as I work nights, but he is home with the kids so I guess that's why I never thought. My husband's problem is laziness and complacency in our relationship. I think he is just along for the ride, as long as I am willing, I want more than a roommate with benefits. I want intimacy, love, family time, and I refuse to nag for it. I am better than that, I deserve to have someone who wishes to spend time with me. I am over I am riding it out for other purposes at this point and not my emotion.

[mem11363]

Brooke,

An unplanned/uncommunicated sleepover is totally 100 percent unacceptable behavior in a marriage. My wife is NOT controlling AT ALL and she would FLIP if I did that.

 

I have never had a fight with my wife about who/what/when/where she is or wants to go. I am just not into even trying to control someones schedule but if she pulled an UNPLANNED sleepover on me I WOULD FLIP. It is just incredibly disrespectful. If she wants to go on a girls weekend - even a girls week - hell even if she wanted that twice a year no problem at all. Happy for her to go and happy to watch kids/house while she is gone. She is the same with me. But that is WAY different then getting too drunk to come home - which is a CHOICE - and then just going to sleep - which is seriously messed up.

 

This is not a difference of opinion. This is a man who wants to be married and still get to act like he is single. Not cool.

 

 

Ok here is the story. Basically, we have been at one another's throats. It started last year. I learned that we had some huge differences on what we thought was acceptable. He went to a basketball game with a friend on a weeknight (meaning he had to work the next day and I was at work). So of course he went and around 12 midnight I gave him a callthinking he was on the way home since the game was over. When he answered he told me he was sleep. Sleep, so you are spending the night (the game was an houR and a half away). I started yelling. His reply was he was gonna take a nap for a couple of hours and get dressed in the morning before work! So excuse me if I hadn't called he would have spent the night away from home without me knowing. Again I was furious because aside from the fact that you thinl its ok to spend the night away from home on the fly (not very marriage-like to me) but if that had been busy for me at work and I couldn't call I wouldn't have known! Of course we argued about that intensely because apparently that should fly and I am insecure for not thinking so. So that was one blow up and then he tried to pull the same thing again, only this time it was at his moms after a party we were both at. And he waited until I left (we drove different cars) to say he was too drunk to drive. These two incidents were 2 months within each other and it is showing a pattern that I will never be ok with, unplanned sleepovers from home meaning you go out and I expect you home but you chose not to come home. And trust me I am not crazy enough to believe that the way I think is wrong, but he insisted otherwise and accuse $me of being controlling, crazy and insecure. If I trust him he should be able to spend the night away. I just don't think so. If you plan a weekend away that's fine, we both have friends out of town and we plan trips to visit them with and without each other, but that's planned, it makes a difference when its on the fly to me. Ok going forward, he is just trying to make me feel like my idea of marriage is wrong, he has also started saying that I don't live enough because I didn't want to go riding after a high school football game, hello I am thirty and pregnant why would I want to go and hang out after a high school game anybody doing so in my oppinion is lame and needs to grow up. But that is what he wants to do (that's what his older married brother does) and because I don't want I am old.(Mind you also I made us dinner and wanted to watch a movie at home). But anyway because I realoze I am making it too long, we are just at two different places and going totally different paces, I am thinking he feels trapped and is treating me so bad out of resentment or something.

[Brooke79]

Thanks for your advice Mem. I know someone else did post that we were having a difference of views and mine was not necessarily the right one because oppinions aren't facts. My thoughts on that are yea on not so serious issues like where to store the bread or something not on bringing your butt home at night. Others say I am nagging him, very possible and that might be my fault, but I am only asking for him to spend a holiday together, be more affectionate, etc. Its only nagging if someone is trying to get you to do something you don't want to. And I don't have foolish pride or anything, but if I have shared my concerns with you aka nagged and you don't seek to improve I feel like I am too good to beg, ie keep asking you to be more family oriented when its just not your nature. And I am also not gonna play games like doing NC or 180 to try to lure him back. His actions and feelings won't genuinely be swayed by those things I don't think. If he doesn't appreciate the things in me like being intimate, family and marriage oriented then deuces to him quite frankly.

[Jeff1962]

Unnanounced/unplanned sleepovers? I would flip as well. To me, holidays are to be spent together when possible. This is what married people do.

 

If you talk to other women, 90% of them will tell you that the biggest problem in their marriage is the fact that they do not feel appreciated by their husbands. I don't have an answer as to why a lot of men are this way. I think communication breaks down. People get too comfortable, expect too much from the other person. People get lazy. Take things for granted I guess.

 

Both of you need to make an effort to communicate your needs and desires with eachother. NOT ARGUE. Use words like "I feel", "I need this from you". "This is how I am feeling right now". Try to avoid, "I want", "you need to", "you always".

 

I'm probably not the best to give advice. Look at me. Another Friday nite. Wife is in bed early. Here I sit on the stupid computer drinking beer and being pissed off because I'm alone again.

 

Talk with your husband.

[mem11363]

These are the exact same guys are on hear posting and crying their eyes out their wives have left them. They say "I knew there were some things she was upset about but she never said she would leave me over them". WOW

 

My wife does NOT need to threaten the big D to get my attention. Nor me to get hers.

 

Your man doesn't WANT to spend holidays with you. What a loser. Sorry.

 

 

Brooke,

An unplanned/uncommunicated sleepover is totally 100 percent unacceptable behavior in a marriage. My wife is NOT controlling AT ALL and she would FLIP if I did that.

 

I have never had a fight with my wife about who/what/when/where she is or wants to go. I am just not into even trying to control someones schedule but if she pulled an UNPLANNED sleepover on me I WOULD FLIP. It is just incredibly disrespectful. If she wants to go on a girls weekend - even a girls week - hell even if she wanted that twice a year no problem at all. Happy for her to go and happy to watch kids/house while she is gone. She is the same with me. But that is WAY different then getting too drunk to come home - which is a CHOICE - and then just going to sleep - which is seriously messed up.

 

This is not a difference of opinion. This is a man who wants to be married and still get to act like he is single. Not cool.

[LisaUk]

These are the exact same guys are on hear posting and crying their eyes out their wives have left them. They say "I knew there were some things she was upset about but she never said she would leave me over them". WOW

 

My wife does NOT need to threaten the big D to get my attention. Nor me to get hers.

 

Your man doesn't WANT to spend holidays with you. What a loser. Sorry.

 

While that might be true in a few cases, the majority of BS on here are here precisley b/c we did not know there were any problems, we weren't told, they weren't expressed by our partners, that is why they are called walk aways ie no chance at resolving anything b/c we weren't even aware there was anything to resolve.

 

My ex even said after he left that he had lied to me for years keeping things to himself on purpose b/c he isn't able to resolve conflict (due to his upbringing), so rather than discuss things he just pushed his feelings aside. Trouble is, I had no idea he was pushing any of his feelings aside, b/c whenever we compromised on something I thought he was happy with the compromise b/c he was lying to me. Really what chance did I have?

[FeelingLonely98]

These are the exact same guys are on hear posting and crying their eyes out their wives have left them. They say "I knew there were some things she was upset about but she never said she would leave me over them".

 

VERY big assumption you are making there mem. Probably way off base and uncalled for.

[Brooke79]

Ok guys another shining example today...we planned a family date, 2 movies one for us and one for the kids and something to eat in between. Guess how today plays out, we see his movie and then he's ready to go home and watch the game. Playoffs trump family! He left and I spent the rest of the evening with my girls, we caught their movie and got dinner. No problem, I had a blast with them.

[Brooke79]

Talking to my spouse is not optional, I guess. Last night I asked him 1 question, why does your phone never ring. He went on to talk about he was having problems with his mom, brother, and a friend, and his best friend just recently went overseas. Then he said I'm a lonely guy who lives a lonely life thanks for bringing that to my attention. And further he went on why are you worried about my phone, I have been quiet but now you asking me about my phone just brings our problems to the forefront, so thanks a lot, I was trying to go to sleep. That was really his true response, and that was all I asked Was why his phone doesn't ring! So to stop where the conversation was going I just said it wasn't a serious question and told him to just go to bed and get ready for work, trying to avoid the conflict, but no avail, he went on and on about how he knows that raising the kids is what's best but its gonna be a hard life. Now I am a strong person and am bright enough to know that my question didn't warrant all of the negative feedback towards me.( Its my fault for bringing up he is having issues, I shouldn't be worried about his phone, all of our problems come from me and my insecurities). This is seriously what I got just from one question, I guess to him it is question of strong implications or something, I just start crying at this point. We were in bed with the lights off so he couldn't see or hear. And I just didn't say anything, but that's how I know I have to remove myself from this situation, because as someone else put it he is giving me the ILBINILWY treatment just fueled with resentment. I declared it was over I know but this is why, he sees me as a problem and treats me as such and I am tired of it. The biggest mistake I've made in this relationship is tolerating this crap for as long as I have. Once I deliver I have to meet with a divorce lawyer because I can't make my girls think that this is acceptable. He wants to stay together because of them and I think it would hurt them more being raised in a non-loving home. Lastly he went off on another random spill about how his high school coach stole his glory and didn't let him play enogh due to favortism, and he went on and on about it, again I don't know where it came from, and I am not exagerating his response or downplaying my actions, I really am starting to question his thought process, how he connected those dots I will never understand! From me asking about his phone (which I can get where he might have picked up an implication though there wasn't one on my part I was just asking) but somehow I made him realize his loneliness and problems and then over to the basketball stuff, just plain crazy to me.

[TroyNJ]

I'm sorry for your problems...This sounds like a classic case of him having OW. I'd almost guarantee it.

[Brooke79]

This question is on behalf of a friend. If your mom hated your wife and treated her bad and talked about her and how you should end your marriage would you say anything on your wife's behalf. Or is it not your place to get between your wife and mom? A good friend of mine talks my ear off about her MIl and I will pass on sone helpful advice to her from you guys. Just small background her H is a momma's boy who tells his mother about all of their fights, hence the MIL hatred for her.