Used up and fed up

[FeelingLonely98]

This question is on behalf of a friend. If your mom hated your wife and treated her bad and talked about her and how you should end your marriage would you say anything on your wife's behalf. Or is it not your place to get between your wife and mom? A good friend of mine talks my ear off about her MIl and I will pass on sone helpful advice to her from you guys. Just small background her H is a momma's boy who tells his mother about all of their fights, hence the MIL hatred for her.

 

I personally would NEVER let my Mother treat my mean or talk badly about my Wife or Significant other. Girls, stay away from "momma's boy" types.

[trippi1432]

I personally would NEVER let my Mother treat my mean or talk badly about my Wife or Significant other. Girls, stay away from "momma's boy" types.

 

My first ex was a "momma's boy" and it is a hard life to be in that situation. She was a mean, hateful and spiteful woman. In her opinion, I should have never been upset that her son left me sitting pregnant at home without a phone, without a car, in the middle of nowhere while he partied for 3 straight days and didn't come home many, many times. I was the one being selfish.

 

If this woman is anything like the woman I mention above, your friend's ears will burn even if she leaves the marriage. According to my ex's second wife (after they split up), I was always the topic when they visited his mother. That woman hated me!! The best thing I ever got from that divorce was divorcing my MIL. She went on to have 13 husbands in her short 54 year life and died of brain cancer several years ago. I feel for all of her husbands...only 3 of which outlived her. (And NO! I'm not making that up!! )

[Brooke79]

Ok after that big spill the other night with no additional communication, I get home last night and he is trying to cuddle. I do not understand him at all, you bark one night with no resolution and then the next night you want to cuddle (after sex I suppose but no happs there buddy). I am in no way passive and before I would have argued with him, but I am so fed up with arguing. I guess he mistook my silence for something else I can't do the argue and fuss and then bam cuddle and sex, once u hurt my feelings I guess I hold a grudge. Oh well the saga continues I guess, at least for now. I feel like I am an limbo, I can't do anything to progress towards moving on, it would really feel good to have a goal and direction. Right now is just misery, living with someone who can't stand you because I am pregnant and because of schedules and everything.

[Brooke79]

I am feeling totally depressed and annoyed. My husband and I used to talk during the night, now he doesn't call me and I don't call him. He used to at least call so the kids could say good night before bed. I guess I am feeling extra emotional and hormonal or something. Oh well life goes on, just me whining and venting.

[dearhunter]

Brooke..my husband was acting just like yours..and just like you I didn't understand what was going on. I suspected, but turned a blind eye, because, of course, he would never do something like that to me. He had been seeing another woman for months. He was resentful and angry that I was in the way of his being with her. It won't work out for them, but it will destroy our marriage just the same. Do some investigating..look at his phone..see if there are texts or calls to the same number you don't know. The sleepovers are pretty suspicious. I even asked my H straight out and he told me no..over and over. It was a co-worker..check it out.

dearhunter

[Brooke79]

I have been doing some recon since everyone says that my husband is definately cheating. So far other than the emotional distance and coldness, I can not find anything concrete. I work at night so he does have the opportunity, except for the fact that he has the kids who are 3 and 4 so if they do anything they tell me, so it would be hard for him to take them or have them around someone. I do not think that all is innocent though, I think that there is someone else that he is interested in and that's were the resentment and harsh treatment comes in. He is mad that he has created this family and committment and wants to bail, and my pregnancy probably upsets him more because it puts him in deeper and he already wanted out(even though we did talk about having another one). I think the other person to him is probably younger and more into the party scene that he talks about missing and that I don't get into and critiques me for it. He probably does talk on the phone to this person at night, but i do not think he has crossed the physical line. I could be naïve though, I don't know.

[Brooke79]

OK everyone like I said I have started the recon process and I am onto browser history and I found 3 messages sent from an unknown female name(no one he has ever mentioned to me). Now this is where I will need serious support from you guys on restraint because that's something but not concrete. I am so mad though that I am about ready to curse him out when he walks in the door, but I know that this would be too premature and not much value with what little I have I have to be quiet and keep letting him continue and think I don't know anything so he makes more slip ups because I can tell he has been deleting some browser history. He slipped up one day and that's when I saw the messages from the woman 3 of them and I see that he was signing out and back in while he browsed, trying to be sneaky because I was downstairs! Probably on LS, chatting to you guys and he is up here typing and exchanging who knows what with this woman! I need to calm down because right now I am fuming, the other problems were one thing but now to c that he is sending some unknown chic messages, it is really pissing me off!

[Brooke79]

I could not contain my self I blew up! Really bad not about the inet stuff, his phone, I looked at it and all of his calls were erased need I say more, I will post everything in detail when I get to work

[LisaUk]

I have no experience of this, but you need to install a key logger on his computer and get an itemised bill (back dated) for his cell phone. Now you have accused him though, he may be more careful, unless he thinks he has convinced you it means nothing. Get that cell phone bill, any numbers you don't know that are called a lot, call them.

[Brooke79]

Okay here is the full spill. We only have time to usually do a hand off of the kids so usually its hi bye for us. I know partly because of the inet thing I was just upset but I really tried not to let on. Then he complained of issues with his phone so I asked him to let me see and his call log was completely erased. I had just gotten off the phone with him from his ride home. So clearle he erased it right b4 he walked in. I asked him why and he said that it was because he always did, a lie of course. So then I looked at his text msgs and the same thing with the exception of three msgs. One from me and one from his brother and one from an unknown number. I questioned him on it becaise he saved it and it was from back in dec. The last one from me n the brother was from today. I asked him over and over who it was (unconstructive I know and he would not tell me he just kept saying he didn't know). I told him to call it, and of course he wouldn't. I thought that I could live peacefully with him and get things straightened out but I can not deal with this. It is too stressful, I am crying and have had a massive loss of appetite and I go into my eighth month of pregnancy so I need to eat. But the angst and anxiety in the pit of my stomach makes it feel impossible to do so. I really am torn up about this. I just want him to leave and I know he won't. And then I work 4 nights a week so the kids stay home with him, so much to deal with and the worst possible time.

[dearhunter]

Brokke, I'm so sorry to hear your suspicions confirmed. It is a bit of a relief if I remember correctly when it happened to me..to put a reason for his odd behavior. I thought I was crazy. Anyway, I'm sorry you have to go through this when you are pregnant and your life should be so full of joy waiting for the new arrival.

 

I'll tell you what everyone told me. Back off. I know it's hard, and I didn't do it..and now we are heading toward divorce. So if you want it to work, I suggest marriage counseling, if he won't go, then you go. Be strong, be silent and act like you have your sh** together even if you don't. I wish I had done that..what I did was talk and write letters and talk some more and I ended up pusing him away. He moved out to "think things thru". Then he was free to come and go with her as he pleased and it just set the hook deeper. Just leave him alone. My friends and counselor told me that but I didn't listen. Get some good friends who can help you thru this and not tell you to bail and how bad of a person he is. I wrote in a journal on my computer just to get the words and feelings out. It helped. Find some hobbies, be a good mom- I can guarantee your kids can feel the tension and hear the fighting, read a good book, take a class. Everyone told me to do these things and I didn't listen..I thought I could reason with him or talk him into seeing what he was doing and throwing away. Believe me when I say that they can't "see" anything when they are in the state of mind it requires to have an affair. Just leave him alone. Tell him you love him and hope you can work it out and let it go at that.

dearhunter

[Brooke79]

And I'm sitting now on the phone with him and he is giving me a pitiful explanation as to why he erases his call log. He just started a new job and there are women there who call and text him to do stuff. He is in no way giving them signals of nething they just text him and invite him to do stuff. I will post later with an update

[Brooke79]

I just talked to him for about 2 hours, his explanation as I posted earlier is that he always has erased his messages. Why would you need to do that right before you walk in the house. He got a new phone in the mail today and was complaining about his phone so there was the possibility of me looking. Now he went through this whole spill about he is new on the job and there are other new people there too and how they all go out and they constantly hang out. There a few of them that go out all of the time and they are always inviting him and trying to get him to come along. Now that I am typing it, I realize what a load of BS he was feeding me to just stop me from being so angry. Why would you need to hide that? I was a little understanding when hearing him talk but now I can see thru the fog now that the conversation was over. Do you think I am controlling for insisting that he show me the actual cell phone usage printout online, I also told him that I insist that he call the number from the text message. This has been one dramatic day, now of course he is professing his eternal love and dedication to me. I would never cheat on you he is pleading, I love you, blah, blah. I know that is just a cover. Where was all of that professing a month ago, when the word divorce was being thrown around.

[Brooke79]

Would it be pointless to leave just for the weekend. I have to come back so my daughter can go to school. But I want to get a hotel just to be away from him because he will smother me and keep on trying to convince me of his lies and he is relentless. So many different stories and coincidences, just insulting my intelligence with all the lies. I want to create the space so that he knows that I am not dealing with this, do you guys think that the weekend is enough time or is it pointless to go to a hotel for the weekend

[JaneDoe35]

Trust your instincts Brooke - I know you don't want to believe he could be cheating on you. But it really doesn't look good. If it is possible I think you should go away for a day or two. Don't answer any calls or respond to any text messages from him. He has been busted big time and is freaking out.

[Brooke79]

Thanks for the advice Jane, I have left the and now he is calling and texting like crazy but I don't plan on communicating with him at all. I feel so betrayed and I will never trust him again. Its great to have a place to vent, thanks to all who give advice.

[JaneDoe35]

Be strong Brooke. Do not speak to him. He needs to know that you will not accept this behaviour under any circumstances. He will try and minimise what he is up to. Don't believe him. He is lying to you and until he comes completely clean I don't think you should discuss this with him. He will keep lying to cover up the truth. Take care and I am thinking of you!!!

[Brooke79]

Day one is over and done. I want to stay longer but I really don't need to spend all of my money on a hotel. He called yesterday evening that was it, he stopped around 5. I had to take the kids with me so I wouldn't have to go back to the house but I didn't work all night of course, around midnight I drove by the house because he hadn't called or texted since earlier and of course he wasn't home. So he is probably glad I am gone with the kids, now he can do what he wants. Tonight my best friend is in town and we were supposed to hang out for her bday, if so I will have to see him to give him the kids.

[Brooke79]

Well day 2 is winding down and didn't go as planned, I called my husband about keeping the kids and he refused. He started yelling about how I am crazy for not coming home and he will show me tonight, I couldn't even get out anything else, so I wound up just going to dinner and not out to the bar with my friend but I still enjoyed myself. I was very upset on the way there the problems were taking a toll on me, but I actually had fun once I got there. I will definitely need more of that to get me thru this. Tonight I guess my husband and I both are not staying home! It just makes me want to stay away even more, I am contemplating going to my moms house tomorrow, she lives at least an hour away from my daughters school, but I am thinking about it. Just avoiding the trouble and lies about the phone and emailing crap. How did my life and marriage become such a mess?

[Brooke79]

Somehow my husband thinks he should be mad at me! I told him I was leaving and that I wouldn't be home because I was too upset about the cheating, and he refused to leave so I did. HE curses me out Saturday and hangs up on me and we haven't spoken since. I got home last night but we didn't speak he only spoke to the kids and then proceeded to slam doors all night. I am on the verge of ruining my credit because I just want to leave and abandon this house and I don't trust that he will take care of it, I am too stressed out and he doesn't care. He gets caught texting, emailing and who knows what else and because I wanted space after finding that out he can try reverse fault and act like I have wronged him! I am at a loss, I don't know what else to do, the only way I can put on a brave face is because of the kids, but I am mentally spent and exhausted. I am just here and numb and stuck and I don't see a way out. It would take a lot before I could get back stable, I need a new job and to sell this home and in this economy there is no way!

[Brooke79]

Do you guys think I should talk to my husband. We haven't had a regular conversation since. Thursday. Everything since has been fussing and fighting and since I got back we have said nothing at all to each other, I guess that's basically no contact and we live ib the same house. Do I talk to him or not?