Tells me he wants to talk with me later

[Clep]

It bothers me when my boyfriend tells me he wants to talk with me later. He said he is going out tonight and I am welcome to come, and that he want's to talk to me later. I don't know what it is about and I would rather him just talk with me later than tell me he wants to talk to me later.

 

I let him know that I do not like being in the position of wondering what it is about as I am confident it is negative. He said he didn't have time to talk with me about it as he had to go to work but later he would. I let him know if something is bothering him I would prefer not to know about it until he has the time to talk with me about it. That didn't go over well at all and I felt he was argumentative about if he should give me a heads up about it or not.

 

If I have something to talk about with him I wait till there is an appropriate time and talk about it. I think it is a way of trying to keep me involved with thinking about it all day.

 

Watcha think people. Would you want to know about it or would you want to have the discussion at a more appropriate time?

[Malenfant]

i understand.

 

Knowing that someone wants to speak to you later and not knowing what about will always give you a feeling of aprehension. thats totally normal.

 

If they are planning to give you bad news, I feel like the person giving notice about the talk is in some way putting themselves in a position of power, knowing you'll be wondering about it, and waiting for them to put you out of your misery.

 

I only think this is OK when the person is secretly planning some lovely surprise!!

 

i hope all goes well.

[Clep]

You put it so much better than I did. I feel exactly the same way. Thank you for giving me the words to share with him later on how I feel about this type of situation for future reference. Just another thing to work on compromise about.

[and.then.some]

I agree with Malenfant. It reminds me of something a parent would tell a child in order to let him know that he is (or soon will be) in trouble. The only time I think this is acceptable is if you're setting up a time to talk in person. Even then, "I need to talk to you later" might be a little unnecessary, depending.

[Romance]

It makes me worry ALL DAY. I hate that.It could just be like 'oh my mom wants us to come over next weekend" but he makes it sound all serious haha. ugh.

[Clep]

My bf does have something to tell me that he is upset about. It is not something about his family or something simple. I did share with him that since the only time he tells me he wants to talk to me it is negative I don't like hearing about it in the morning to wait all day. He simply said well how am I supposed to say it. We process things differently and you can process it however you want. I find when he is unhappy with something the way he communicates with me changes completely. It turns in to something negative instead of positive communication for a common purpose. Right now I feel like I don't even want to hear or care what he has to say.

[norajane]

If I have something to talk about with him I wait till there is an appropriate time and talk about it. I think it is a way of trying to keep me involved with thinking about it all day.

 

I'd be tempted to give him a dose of his own medicine and do the same thing to him, just to show him how it feels.

 

If he did it without knowing how it makes you anxious, that's one thing. But he knows it makes you anxious and does it anyway. That sucks.

 

If he turns negative when he's unhappy, he hasn't learned good communication tools. If he's unhappy about something, it doesn't mean he's unhappy about everything and suddenly should hate you, all of you. It's just one issue he has with the person he loves - that's how he should approach it.

 

I would say talk to him about it, but guys like that don't listen very well and even if they hear you, they don't care to try to see it from your perspective. I'm sorry, but your guy needs to grow up.

[Clep]

I was sitting on our bed and he comes in and tells me if I am waiting on him to say something, that he has nothing to say now. He let's me know that if I want to get ready in the morning that the light won't bother him and to do whatever I feel I need to and that I don't have to get dressed somewhere else, and that is all he is going to say.

 

He also tells me he doesn't want me to try to dictate what he is going to say and when so if he chooses to tell me what he had to say this morning he has the right to choose not to tell me now. I let him know I do not appreciate how he is going about this and I would just prefer for him to tell me what he has to say and he refused. He said that he has nothing to say now for whatever reason he has decided.

 

I let him know he can play the power game by himself and to grow a set of balls and just tell me he want's to go out by himself tonight instead of with me like we had planned. I simply walked out.

 

Passive aggressive once again. How infuriating. Telling me what he want's to in a round about way. This is ridiculous.

[Malenfant]

I was sitting on our bed and he comes in and tells me if I am waiting on him to say something, that he has nothing to say now. He let's me know that if I want to get ready in the morning that the light won't bother him and to do whatever I feel I need to and that I don't have to get dressed somewhere else, and that is all he is going to say.

 

He also tells me he doesn't want me to try to dictate what he is going to say and when so if he chooses to tell me what he had to say this morning he has the right to choose not to tell me now. I let him know I do not appreciate how he is going about this and I would just prefer for him to tell me what he has to say and he refused. He said that he has nothing to say now for whatever reason he has decided.

 

I let him know he can play the power game by himself and to grow a set of balls and just tell me he want's to go out by himself tonight instead of with me like we had planned. I simply walked out.

 

Passive aggressive once again. How infuriating. Telling me what he want's to in a round about way. This is ridiculous.

 

you're right, he's being ridiculous.

Talk about a power trip.

 

I think if it were me, i'd say well, i'm listening now, i may not be in the mood to listen later on.

Then when he does decide you've stewed enough and he can re-exact his power, i'd say, 'sorry, cant talk now.'

 

TBH if its that important, you'd have spoken about it already.

Play him at his own game and dont wait and when he wants to talk refuse to do so.

It sounds like there isnt much on his mind other than toying with you. that doesnt deserve your time and attention IMO.

[doushenka]

I'm a tell-me-now sort of person; actually, I can't stand the "we'll talk later" if I've no idea what about. Darling man is much the same, so we won't do that to each other.

[Clep]

OMG, after all of this I go to a Beaver meeting with my son as I am a Beaver leader for his scouts. He calls me and I message him letting him know I am in a beaver meeting. He messages me later as my bb messenger sets itself to unavailable when my phone is on silent, and tells me to be an adult about it meaning I shouldn't be ignoring him.

 

I get home and he get's ready, goes out, doesn't say a word to me when he leaves as he walks right past me out the door and sleeps in his children's room when he get's home who he has failed to pick up from their mother's house tonight. I walk in at four in the morning and ask him why he is sleeping in another room and he tells me he doesn't want to wake me which he has never done before.

 

This is all since yesterday. He used to be very passive aggressive and decided to work on it as he said he recognized his choices were causing chaos. Guess that didn't go far.

 

Looks like he now has a new room. He does not have a key to our bedroom for the lock, as we never got him one cut. I have an overnight sitter for my son tonight and I will simply lock the bedroom door so when I get home I can sleep in peace. He should be thinking before he acts.

[doushenka]

*cheers you on*

 

That's the spirit!

[whichwayisup]

How long have you two been together?

 

Your boyfriend is an immature idiot. You can only 'talk' when he feels like it, on his terms, then you get busy, with your kid, he accuses you of ignoring him on purpose? WTF. Uhh, the world doesn't revolve around your boyfriend..

 

What is it that you see in him? Honestly, maybe it's time to re-think the relationship, let alone living together.

[Clep]

I see many wonderful things in him, but his inability or unwillingness to communicate on an above board fashion at times is not one of those things. Everyone in life has character flaws and we all will till the day we die. It is most important to me that we simply recognize them and work on them.

 

We chatted last night and I was unwilling to back down. He starts off by saying he wasn't ignoring me or using emotional and physical rejection to punish me and I called him on that, and well everything. I am not prepared to do as he wishes in many areas. He says he has had poor coping skills in this area for his whole life and it is going to take much practice to learn skills that will bring the desired results. I understand that, but it infuriates me that when he is in the midst of doing it especially when it has been a day or more that he doesn't change it midstream or at the very least recognize he is being an ass.

 

I realize that he has led a life where emotional intimacy has not been a part of it, but he is now with a woman that requires that. He says last night and has maintained that I will be the last woman he lives with and we need to do whatever it takes to make things work as separation is not an option. I feel the same way, I just don't like going through the resistance for a day to have productive conversation.

 

At least he did tell me what the problem was. He says last night he will not stew on a problem until it get's to the point of resentment in the future and then behave all passive aggressive. He says he will just tell me right away in an above board fashion. We will see.

[spiderowl]

'Fraid he sounds like a control freak to me. What he's doing does sound like he's manipulating you to see what your reaction is and to generate fear and tension. It's not nice! If he won't change this way of behaving, then you need to think whether you can cope with this long term or not.

 

It does sound like he's listening to you at the moment and recognises a problem but I don't see why you should have to 'nurse' him through something that's hurting you. If you make him aware it's hurting you and he still does it, then you need to look out for yourself. This kind of manipulation can be very demoralising.

Edited March 5, 2010 by spiderowl
hadn't read later posts and they were relevant

[D-Lish]

If you'll allow me to put a different spin on the matter at hand...

 

When a man with admitted intimacy issues actually takes a step to say he wants to talk about something- isn't that at least a step in the right direction?

 

In some of my past relationships, I have dated men that simply don't talk about what is bothering them, and that's incredibly frustrating to be with someone like that.

 

I think I would have handled it with a "sure, you can tell me anything, let me know when you want to chat"... Sure, I might have stewed about what was going on, but getting upset about it makes him shut down and effectively halts communication.

 

If he has trouble communicating, the best way to get him to open up is to be receptive, not combative. Sure, maybe that entails him having initial control over the when and where at first, but once those lines of communication are open, you have an avenue to be open with him too and tell him how you'd like him to handle future issues.

 

If you show him you are open to listening, he's going to talk more on your terms.

 

I just know from past relationships, looking back on the way I have handled things in the past, that being receptive opens up the lines of communication much more effectively than getting upset.

 

Communication shouldn't boil down to a power struggle- so if he has trouble expressing himself, I think the best way to handle it is to let him know he can tell you anything whenever he wants. Once he opens up about his issue- that's the best time to discuss how you'd prefer him to communicate with you in the future.